Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Not sure what's happening lately, but I am growing weak and tired and frazzled. I am not sleeping well and my patience is running dry. I can't think straight because there is so much noise. Noise of the tv always on, which was once comforting in keeping me company and not feeling lonely, but now has become a nuisance....everything, and I mean everything annoys me...the neighbors and loud vehicles outside, the phone ringing, the dog barking......but the most disturbing noise of them all....the noise that won't stop....the noise that bothers me more than anything...brace yourselves because this isn't pretty....it's the sound of my daughter's voice never ceasing. I know, I know, but I can't help it. It's overwhelming me. So many people have it so much harder than me, but having a two year old is just running my resources dry. She went 5 hours straight talking without a break (that's right...I know what I typed), all the while in a voice that is about 10 decibels louder than I am comfortable with. She isn't a child that stays still and quietly watches a movie or playing with her toys...she has to be entertained at all times and can't be still, she has to be moving and running around and goes from one thing to the next out of boredom. What has happened here? I loved being a stay at home mom when she was an infant and didn't talk and didn't walk. It was controlled and managed. Am I not cut out for this? Do I not have enough patience for this? I long for the day when she can be more independent...go to the bathroom herself, feed herself, play by herself, so I can go back to doing my own thing. I mean, how selfish is that? I've been told so many times that I'm gonna miss this time. When she goes to school and doesn't need me anymore I will miss the days where I am wrapped around her finger and am her whole world. I just don't feel that way right now. Maybe I need to ask God to change my heart. A lot of times I feel like a single parent on my own. Eric works nights so he sleeps in late and then sometimes he goes running before work, so really he only has a couple hours to help me during the day and he's usually doing his own thing..either with the computer or the truck or the tv. I need more breaks I think. We don't have family or friends around that we trust yet to babysit Becca, so I don't get any breaks except for when we visit one of our parents who help out sometimes in watching Becca. I just feel like a well run dry, or a car running on empty. I don't feel depressed or sad, because I have much to be thankful for and am past hating myself. I have gained a lot of acceptance of who I am and am still in that process, I just feel a bit maxed out. There is just no balance in my life. It's hard sometimes being a military wife. And I struggle with adapting to my situations. It comes very difficult for me and it takes me a long time. Maybe it's a time management problem. If I utilize my time better when Becca is asleep, I can make the time to focus on me instead of filling it with things that need to be done. I feel I've been neglecting myself and my own needs to serve everyone else's. Like when you don't eat for days and your system shuts down and you grow weak and tired and lack energy...that's how I feel. Something's gotta change around here.