tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83022110552263564392024-02-07T04:26:50.341-08:00Reflections of a Navy WifeLainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.comBlogger87125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-43543955321775542852014-11-11T09:07:00.002-08:002014-11-11T09:07:33.306-08:00Link to New BlogHi Everyone,<br />
My new blog is up and running now. I've made my first post. I will continue to make new changes to make it my own, but please head over and continue following me over there.<br />
Here is the link:<br />
<a href="http://livingthisimperfectlife.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">http://livingthisimperfectlife.blogspot.com/</a>Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-34991724352039584492014-10-03T10:06:00.001-07:002014-10-03T10:06:34.401-07:00Starting a New BlogHello everyone. I know I've been MIA for quite a while but I am back to make an announcement. I'm leaving this blog and starting a new one. The new blog will be for the same purpose....sharing my thoughts and stories with you. I've loved writing on this blog but I started it when I was in a bad place and I want to move on and start a new chapter. I've changed a lot in the past couple years and I want to keep moving forward. I hope that you will all follow me on my new blog. I will post a link when it's ready.<br />
Thanks.<br />
LainaLainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-14133379314045142522014-02-13T18:18:00.001-08:002014-02-13T18:19:06.644-08:00Having nothing to say<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You've probably noticed I haven't been blogging regularly in quite a long time. Everyone's noticed that know me because I hear about it and am asked about it. I find myself not having anything to say, yet inside I feel cluttered with words and thoughts and emotions, but they are jammed on the way out. I live in a lot of solitude and a lot of the time I enjoy it that way. Although when the opportunity presents itself, I end up talking someone's ear off and an explosion of words tumble out of my mouth. I notice that I will talk without even having anything important to say but wishing I had something of substance to talk about. But, for me, blogging is different than talking. I'm not sure this is a popular position based on many blogs I've read that post useless and nonsense material. Blogging is personal though and is a platform for a multitude of purposes. But my blog posts need to mean something....to me. It is a form of sharing, it's true. Sharing of information, opinion, and self. I wish I had more to say than I do. I wish my thoughts and emotions I could make sense of so I could express them. I wish I didn't think and analyze so much. I wish I could see the good in everything and make the most of each moment and be grateful for all the good in my life. Truth is I do have times that I experience this, but they are minimal. The pessimism and boredom takes over and the ruminating begins. Ruminating is a powerful and destructive thing. We are our own enemies. I feed the lesser me and give power to the doubt, fear, and weakness. Not wanting to make the effort or take the time to confront and stand up to it. The thing I wonder is, what kind of me would I be without those stumbling blocks? Will I find the strength and willpower in this lifetime to find out? When will I care enough to make a change? I hope soon.Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-31691671177183373732014-01-16T10:10:00.000-08:002014-01-16T10:14:54.575-08:00New Year, Same Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">I've definitely been that person with the list of all the resolutions I'm going to make, and ways I'm going to change as of the first of the new year. As if that is such an easy thing, like the flipping of a light switch. </span></span>I've done it every year for as long as I can remember. The list usually consists of of about fifteen things and by the end of the year I average about two things that I can check off. Quite unsatisfying. I have astronomically high expectations of myself as well as how I want my life to be, which is always a dangerous thing. And every year January 1st rolls around and I truly would expect that I would radically change. That motivation, determination, and desire would be strong enough to reroute all my bad habits. That I would appear to have it all together instantly in a pretty package. That the bad habits of laziness, procrastination and disorganization would vanish, and my mind would have the power to instantly and immediately start over fresh as of this day. And every year this lasts for about seven days if I'm lucky. I put in a google image search for "new year same me", the title I wanted to give this post. The image at the top of this post was one of the results. <b>I am</b>. That by itself is so powerful, but what do I put after that? What am I now? What do I want to be? Polar opposite answers. Do you ever have desires for a big, huge change? Like life-altering? You get stuck in a rut with the monotonous routine and just need to shake things up a bit. But at the same time, the idea of a major life-altering change is frightening. The anticipation and fear of the unknown are powerful forces that can both yield vulnerability. Vulnerability means weakness to many. Something that's been on my mind for months now is what "living" means to me. The past few years I haven't been doing this, I've grown accustomed to "surviving". How long until the adapting phase is over? How long til the idea that the stable foundation that I stand on metaphorically is gonna shake and crumble underneath me? How long til I can look in the mirror and accept who I see in the reflection? And how long can I avoid it? Will the feeling of brokenness ever go away? And will the fear that it won't ever subside? <i>I am</i>. Maybe that will be something to work on this year. Adding to it. I've been trying for many years to be somebody else. Nobody in particular, just someone other than myself. Why? Because myself has too much damage and brokenness that is far beyond repair. The only big enough answer to mend this would be God. Yet I still seclude myself and can't quite let go enough to let Him in. New Year means time is moving forward as it always does. There are no guarantees of the future. Quotes and sayings surround us...<i>no time like the present...time flies...make every moment count. </i>I live in the sunny state of Arizona, where the warmth blankets your skin. Yet I feel a dark gray cloud lives above my head and follows me around. Hope for a turnaround is still there thankfully, but as time moves on that hope dims a little more. However, since it's still there I'm gonna draw from it and hope that this year will be a brighter one. Much of that rests on me and my attitude and the choices that I will make. Realign where my focus is and change my attitude towards things. Change begins with me and starting with the things I am in control of. Or is it the other way around and learning to let go of control when things shift? Well, this whole "I am" thing definitely has me thinking. Cheers to your new year, my friends. </div>
Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-21032969075452258112013-10-29T21:28:00.001-07:002013-10-29T21:28:53.079-07:00Acknowledging Progress<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Tonight I sat down and officially and seriously began working on my book that I want to write. In the past few months I have jotted down some notes on possible title and chapter names, but today I got out all my journals and read through previous things I have written to begin breaking down sections and forming some kind of outline. I tell myself that I can do this, half-believing it of course, but it's a start. I have struggled with this idea and desire to write a book because I haven't been able to narrow down a theme to focus the book around. Well, reading through my journals and writings, it is clear to me that there are three themes. They definitely intertwine at times but can also be their own separate thing as well. All three themes are about my personal journey through these three different aspects of my life. My fear that no one will be interested in what I have to say is still there, but my desire to write is becoming more dominant all the time. I am pushing through the fear one baby step at a time.<br />
Now, I want to talk about my journals. As I was reading through them, I was able to see and appreciate how far I have come since my darkest days that began about five years ago. There is most definitely a journey that slowly progresses and goes through stages. I can see a separation between then and now. Though it is not a night and day distinction, it is still there, and for that I am grateful. Re-reading the emotion-filled rantings of desperate pleas and angry outbursts as well as loneliness and hopelessness was eye-opening. It was really, really sad actually. This person was so lost and just miserable, but her perspective was so off. She couldn't help herself, she was sinking in a sea of quicksand. I can't believe that was me. I am grateful that I feel I have moved on from that part of my life. I am thankful that I now have a glimmer of hope. That there is still possibility for me. That if I change my perspective and open up my mind and my heart, things can get better. And they have. I thank God for that. I pray and I feel restored. I am trying to see myself in a way that I think God might see me. Through His eyes and not through my own flawed ones. I am a vessel; that's what I am. I am what I am. No over-estimation; no under-estimation. I don't have to be what I was or even what I am now. I can choose what I am to be. And teaming up with God opens things up to even more possibilities. This is the way I want things to be. This is how I choose for things to be. It is not too late for me. There is still time. It's all about making the choice. Removing the pressure. Removing the expectations. Enough with the over-analyzing and micromanaging. When I have questions and need some direction and guidance, I know where to go. I am feeling positive and hopeful and I'm grateful for that.Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-82355645841925584672013-10-16T09:36:00.001-07:002013-10-16T09:37:52.001-07:00Letting Go<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">I am most definitely in need of letting go of my past. I am stuck. The scars of my past are magnified to the point where I struggle to see clean flesh that is reserved for the future. The future is fuzzy to me and I lack excitement for it. I am too focused on the past and its unanswered questions and confusion. I constantly go back to thoughts of my former self at my happiest times and dissect it in sadness why I can't get back to that place. The reality is I can't go back there because it's in the past. That teenage girl knew herself; she had peace in her heart and mind. She saw things in black and white. She knew who to trust and she knew what she wanted. She followed her heart bravely. She loved fully. She was open and honest and happy to experience the world. What happened to her? Painful, traumatic memories surfaced in her mind that led her to her death. You can't undo time. You can't un-know something or un-hear something. It's time to stop chasing her and say goodbye. It's hard to let go of her innocence. I must learn to make peace with this person that I am now. Learning to like this person and change the things I am able to change. This person with fear, and hurt, and worry. Whose black and white world turned different shades of grey. The uncertainty of everything is overwhelming. She learned that her superhuman loved ones have flaws and are imperfect and do, in fact, let her down. The only ones she can truly count on is God, because even she lets herself down. She is a mystery to herself. There are secret doors inside herself that she has been locked out of for her own protection. Though slowly the locks are unlocking, but the question remains...is she brave enough to open them? Because she sure as hell isn't curious. I feel she is made of glass and wonder why everyone around her insists on her strength. I do not see what they see at all. Perhaps they just don't know the whole story. See, you can never be sure of what you see because it could easily be an act. A show. Because what you allow others to see is the one thing you CAN control. I spend far too much time trying to understand and analyze everything about my past that has brought me to this day. So much of it doesn't make sense to me. I cannot move on until it does. But what if it never does. I suppose that's where faith and trust in God comes in. When our inability as flawed and imperfect people falls short and breeds un-fulfillment. The sadness that comes with that is the fact that that teenage girl that I miss and love is gone. There are no traces of her anywhere inside me. That is quite a lot of power to give a past. It's up to me to take that power away and give myself some control back. Because I CAN do something about the present. I never think about the future; it's pointless to me. The battle is to live in the here and now. Not to forget the past, but not to give it the power that it holds right now. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">A few weeks ago I stood in the mirror, looked into my eyes, which appeared empty and lifeless, and repeated out loud, "everything's going to be okay". This lasted about five minutes. I would open my mouth and that is all that came out. I was trying to comfort myself. I am trying to learn to be okay with this person that I see in the mirror. She still seems like a stranger to me. But maybe it's time to change the perspective. See the possibility and hope to make this person a great one. Let go of the weights around my neck and the chains that shackle my ankles. What are the lables of these weights? What do they represent? It's fuzzy to me, but pain and sadness come to mind. I'm so tired of feeling sad SO OFTEN. Not all the time but more than I feel is appropriate. It's time to let go. Take back the power instead of giving it away to everything that comes into my life.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">My wish is to feel peace within myself. A quiet rest for my mind. What I miss most about that teenage girl is that she experienced freedom inside and peace. She did not have a painful past (that she knew of yet) and did not feel the weights and chains. So I call out to the heavens and ask God to break the shackles, give me relief and hope. </span>Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-26158237760118073482013-10-15T20:05:00.000-07:002013-10-15T20:06:44.742-07:00What Now?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<u style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>What Now?</b></span></u></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #351c75;">I've been listening to Rihanna's new song "What Now". Well, it's new to me anyway. I just love the angst and emotion in her voice. Not that I love that she feels that way but it makes for beautiful music, and believable and relate-able too. I, too, have felt this in recent months. See, I've been on a quest for feeling for quite some time now. Anything besides numbness. Not sure if it's due to medication I've been on, or if it's just a dense fog that has overtaken me. Either way, it's very unsettling. I try not to get lost in the big questions, such as "what's the meaning of it all?" and "what does it matter anyway?". Then the analytical side of me takes over and it's all downhill from there. It takes weeks to come out of. I get bored of being stationary, yet I don't like being too mobile either. So, what does that mean exactly? That I'm fickle? Can't make up my mind. My biggest weakness is laziness tied with lack of follow-through. I require high levels of motivation to do anything. Simply because it needs to be done is not a good enough reason for me. This discourages me and makes me want to live in a hole. I'm uncomfortable in large gatherings of people because I am uncomfortable with people in my personal space. Yet I get depressed when I am alone because isolation is toxic for me. I cannot make a decision for what I want to do with myself. I have been learning to accept myself and after a nasty battle with depression, I had to re-learn how to like myself. But the hard questions surface when I gather the courage to face the mirror. Do I trust myself? How well do I know myself? What am I hiding? What am I afraid of and am I brave enough to face it? When faced with the fight or flight response, I always flee, followed immediately by hiding and pretending to be invisible. If I avoid it and pretend it's not there, it will just go away. Pretty immature if you ask me. Yet I feel there is sadness that dwells inside me; a heaviness that I avoid strongly. I cannot stop digging for answers and truth. Yet when I find them, it's too scary to follow through to the end. That's where the healing begins, right? I fear that the weights will always be there. How do you live with a person you don't understand? And what if that person is you? Do you ever feel like you don't really know yourself? I struggle with the knowledge that once I faced the truth about my past, everything I ever once knew about myself was a lie. That person I once was has died. It's been replaced by this hollow shell of a person who has perfected the routine of going through the motions. What I long for is depth and meaning and purpose. Medication. Therapy. Books. Research. It helps, but only goes so far. I am realizing that I need to go more powerful. When I have exhausted all my power, and I still feel lost, I guess that's my answer. That this is bigger than me. Time to look up. The Ultimate Healer. Yet my pride wants to fix it on my own. It's a battle and I have to make this much harder than it needs to be. There is a quiet strength that surfaces when you reach desperation. You reach that point where you just want anything to be different. Just to feel something besides hopelessness, and sadness, and heaviness. Where you let go and release control wholeheartedly. Only then can the first step of healing and moving forward begin. Time to stop belittling myself and demanding expectations and punishing myself when I continue to fall short. Reality check, Miss Alaina. You are due. </span></span></div>
Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-37210347462942539242013-08-02T08:55:00.001-07:002013-08-02T09:21:10.956-07:00Being Thankful<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So, I'm realizing that I've slowly become a very negative person about my life. I think I complain a lot about things that I'm not happy about. Those small and minor things that aren't going the way I want have become life-size, and have crowded out all the many blessings and good things in my life, making them much harder to see and take notice of. The truth is, from an outside view there really isn't anything to complain about. I think my attitude and perspective needs to be adjusted. I don't consider myself a very happy person and I don't want to be that way. I saw on Facebook and on the internet some posts labeled "Thankful Thursdays". I know it's Friday, but I think I'm gonna jump on board this train. I will just post mine a day late.<br />
Since I have become a glass-half-empty person, I very much need to be forced or pushed into doing something or the two evils in my life, laziness and procrastination, will lead the way.<br />
I want to take the time to remind myself to be thankful, because I have a lot in my life to be thankful for. The picture at the top of this post reminds me that being thankful can and should begin with the basics: I'm alive. And the people that mean the most to me are alive too, and in my life daily. So many people lose their lives and their loved ones through tragedy and hardships...the soldiers who lose their lives fighting for our freedoms and the loved ones that they leave behind to mourn; car accidents, cancers and illnesses, drownings, kidnappings, shootings, suicide, heart attacks, and so much more. Being grateful for life, that's where it begins. It is a gift. Every day.<br />
My beautiful house is something I am thankful for. After living in apartments or staying with family for months at a time, I am thankful that I was able to choose a house that I love that I can call my own. Not abiding by anyone else's rules and free to do whatever I want with it. I am not homeless, out on the streets in the cold or in the heat.<br />
I have a husband who works at a job he loves with great benefits and great stability. Many people in this country are job hunting every day with no luck. This job provides us money for clothes on our backs, comfortable living, vehicles to get us to and from, food in our mouths, education for our daughter, and a place of safety. I am thankful for the wonderful and supportive people in my life, both family and friends, who make living life better because they are a part of it. My husband is my best friend and partner in life, who supports me, believes in me, and takes care of our family. Our daughter that we are blessed with who is beautiful and smart and funny. So many out there are unable to have children or had them and then they were taken from them.<br />
I am thankful that I know God loves me and that He gives love and forgiveness and chance after chance and I don't have to do anything to earn it. It is by grace. I am thankful for free will and that I live in a country where I can believe what I want and live how I want and not be killed for it through some dictatorship. Though my life is not perfect, it is a really good one. I have everything I need. When I remind myself of these things, and think about how others out there don't get the basics, all other things seem trivial and petty. So, I'm going to try and choose gratitude. Sometimes it's hard to see the good when life stings you. Things don't always go as planned, life is messy like that. It's a block in the road. Okay, take a deep breath, and walk around it or remove the blockage.<br />
I've been thinking about starting a gratitude journal and writing in it every night. Or maybe when I notice a small blessing or good thing that happened, to write it down. So, when I'm having a bad day, I just open it up and read a few things. I encourage you all to remind yourselves of the basics when things just aren't going your way. When we look at the big picture, we can find something to be thankful for. We are alive. Let's start there. We are not fighting for our lives to keep breathing. Maybe metaphorically, but not physically. Time to realign our focus back to the big picture. Happy Friday everyone. Enjoy your weekend!<br />
<br />Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-55066133165594149902013-06-01T09:22:00.001-07:002013-06-01T09:34:26.168-07:00Writing. Just Because<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I don't know that this post is about anything. I just really felt like writing. Something. Anything. This urge is a common and regular one in my life. The problem is not always knowing what to write about. It's a release for me. A calm. A stillness. An escape from the routines and happenings of daily life. I want to immerse myself in the waters of the written word. To dive in for the exercise and refreshment. For cool relief from the heat that surrounds me. To come out feeling relieved and recharged. I used to write as a personal release. To vent deep emotions that I didn't want to say aloud. I always felt I could express myself better through writing. There seemed to be a break in connection on the path from what I was wanting to say to what actually exited my mouth. I've always felt that way. That's why I tend to say less. I actually pause before I speak to concentrate on what I want to say. Not the smoothest transition. Anyway, so I used to write to journal my thoughts. Maybe something that I was thinking about that I just wanted to express. Most times it was about an emotion I was feeling. I still write about those things mainly, but I am currently feeling a desire to write outside of my comfort zone and outside of what I know. To write about things that are outside of myself. To challenge myself and improve what I consider to be my craft. To get to be really good at something in life, it involves practice. To dedicate time and effort to refine something good into something greater. The thought of me being a great writer one day gives me great pleasure. Now if I can get out of my own way and try to overcome the fear of not being good enough, I can move forward on that desired path. The thought of something that I write being released into the world for others to see. I would hope that the end result would make a small impact on another person. Maybe something that I write will improve someone else's day. Or that my words give someone pause to think and reflect on. I want my writing to matter. I've always loved words. English was my favorite subject in school. So many journeys that a string of words can take you on. Can unleash every emotion. Choosing certain words to put together can mean most powerful things. When I was a kid I had a love of books. I took them everywhere. Reading in the grocery cart in the supermarket, in the backseat of the car on road trips, anywhere and everywhere. As a teenager I would read the teenage chapter books about the dramas of school and other people's take on life as a teenager. Seemed like a different era. And the love of words and reading are still there today. The impact that words have in music. I love lyrics to music. Pairing a melody to bring words to life and stir up an emotion within. It's all magical to me. So powerful. I want to be a part of that and the idea that I could someday be paired into the same grouping of great writers is a dream, but in my mind a farfetched one. The writers that inspire me, both in the written word as well as the music world are in a different class. I look up to them and strive to learn from them. I hope that someday I will be a great writer. Not for fame or recognition. But for my words to have an impact in the lives of others, the way the great writers have on us. For my words to stir up emotion in others. To make a difference. To inspire. Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-22625276304230883952013-05-27T11:45:00.000-07:002013-05-27T11:49:35.739-07:00Memorial Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am taking pause to remind myself of what this day represents. </div>
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It is a bittersweet day. The sweetness is for celebrating the fact that we can live our lives in freedom. We can have our barbecues and pool parties and shopping sprees in peace and live our every day according to the way we want to. The bitterness is the reason we are able to do these things. It's because of someone else's sacrifices. We silently honor and respect those individuals every day, but today we actively bring attention to them. They give their lives to us every day. These people deserve our respect, honor, appreciation, and gratitude.<br />
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Memorial Day is a day to remember. It's right there in the name. What exactly are we remembering? The men and women who have sacrificed their lives for our freedom, both in their life and from their life. The people whose lives were taken, we think of them. But it doesn't end at the end of their lives. Let's not forget the people they leave behind who are left with grief and losing someone they love so we can live in peace. All those people are someone's sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers.<br />
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Let's remember that the men and women who lost their lives protecting what freedom stands for, lost a future with their loved ones. They knew they were fighting for something more. Something that they were willing to let their life be represented by. That sacrifice meant leaving behind a parent outliving their child. A child growing up without their parent. Those loved ones left behind for a greater cause, doesn't make the hurt go away. And let's not forget that sacrifice doesn't just mean loss of physical life. Let's not overlook the veterans who've served and survived. What about those brave service members who have become disabled? Loss of limbs and body parts, whose lives will never be the same and will have a physical limitation reminding them of their bravery. What about mental, emotional sacrifices? The horror they've seen and experienced, possibly fellow soldiers falling to their death before their eyes. The trauma, the nightmares, the difficulty of experiencing normal life after living the extremely abnormal. It takes a determination, strength, and power we do not know. To brainwash your mind into being okay with killing and fighting back at those trying to take our lives by taking their lives in return. Yet they volunteer to live this life. Unforced. To make their lives a sacrifice. Their bodies, their time away from loved ones, missing out on opportunities and memories, all so we can be free to live our lives as we choose. Not having to fight, because they do it for us. They take that on.<br />
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Men and women who are serving and have served your time: Thank you so much for your dedication. Thank you seems not enough. Two tiny words. I appreciate you and honor your service to our country. The sacrifice you make every day to wake up and do your job. It's not just a job. You are heroes. Thank you for making that choice, knowing that it could mean ending your life for the freedom of others. Even those who you don't know. I admire and respect you all. Grateful that I have my life that you work every day to protect. Thank you so very much. I'm so proud to be an American and to live in this country. It is flawed but our lives are our own. We have much more than others do. Thank you for protecting it.<br />
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<br />Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-66609857597428012892013-05-24T08:56:00.001-07:002013-05-24T09:01:27.568-07:00Tired<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yes, I am tired. In a deep sense of the word. Exhausted, fatigued, weary. Physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. Such an easy response to the "are you okay" question. Just tired. It's a great answer because everyone already knows what that answer entails. But does the assumption fit the reality? Tired because I have trouble sleeping? I have trouble sleeping because most of the time I sleep on the couch because that's where I am most comfortable emotionally not physically. I don't like sleeping in my bedroom. Most bedrooms in fact. I have bad memories of bedrooms. When I do sleep it is a restless one. A lot of tossing and turning and waking up multiple times. This has sadly become a regular part of my life. Also for the past few years I've discovered I grind my teeth when I sleep resulting in a sore mouth and jaw when I wake up. Tired of the daily, monotonous routine of no routine. Desiring so much more but laziness, fear, procrastination all get in the way. I am my biggest stumbling block to my own happiness. Laziness because I want a change, any change, and it needs to be a big one; but I don't want to put in the effort or work to make one. Fear because change means different, which is out of my comfort zone and familiarity. Fear that what I want in my life I can't obtain because I don't have what it takes to obtain it. Procrastination because there is always tomorrow and next week and next month to make the change. I have this delusional idea that I will be a different person and have the things I want in the next few years without knowing how it happened. It will just happen somehow. Sounds immature, I know. I'm tired of not having things the way I want them to be, yet tired that I'm not content and making the best of the way things are. Because the truth is, I have a great life. Everything that I always dreamed I'd have when I was younger. A husband that is my best friend and who is a good father. A child of my own. A beautiful house very close to family. It all looks right on the outside. The perfect picture wrapped up in a pretty little bow. Yet it's not enough. And I'm tired of the lack of fulfillment feeling. It's draining, and hollow. There is a stirring inside, an irritation, and that's how it starts. Then it gets stronger and slowly turns into anger. I'm a pretty quiet person emotionally. I am very good at covering up how I feel and maintaining composure on the outside. Yet on the inside I'm screaming. It's actually quite loud in my head, more often than you'd think. More often than I'd like. I long for quiet. Not only in my surroundings, but inside as well. I'm tired of being tired. What will finally be enough motivation for me to put action behind my words and behind my desires? What will it take? How long can I talk about being tired without doing anything about it? It's been said that if you want a different outcome you must do something differently. There's also the famous mantra that it's never too late. But it's uncomfortable. But I'm too tired today. But it won't happen overnight it will take time. But I don't feel like it. But I'm not good enough. But I've never done it before. The poisonous words I tell myself that cripple any type of motion forward. God tells us to keep our eye on the prize. To follow the straight and narrow path. To look on things above and not below. Such simple truths and yet I am still distracted by "things". Realigning my perspective is the key I think. The bigger picture. I guess we'll see. Time will tell. But God, the universe, luck, fate, and all outside forces can't do all the work, right? I've got to do my part right? It all comes back to choices doesn't it? Opportunity knocks, you answer. A door opens, you walk through it. Something must be done about it. You can't just listen to the knocking or stand still and stare at the door. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Gotta keep moving. <br />
<br />Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-28471634597754699952013-03-19T08:28:00.001-07:002013-03-19T08:33:18.804-07:00Failed Blog ResolutionWell, it looks like I've failed my New Year's resolution to write a blog post every day this year. I've definitely been shying away from blogging as you can see from the gaps in time between blogs. I am continuously asked if I'm writing and if I'm writing on my blog again and the answer is always no. Not sure why I avoid it when writing is such a release for me. It's a comfort, form of expression, and good practice on my quest to becoming a writer. Maybe it's laziness. Or the dreaded fear of no one caring about what I have to say. I think that is something everyone can relate to. What in the world do I have to say that anyone is going to care about? Why would someone care about what kind of day I had or what I'm thinking about? I guess the key is to remember why I write....for me. It's therapeutic and thoughts take on new meaning when they are put into words in front of you to see. I'm actually a very internal person. I process internally and say very little. I'm a very poor talker, which is why I turned to writing. When I audibly speak, my words come out jumbled and twisted and far from how they begin in my thoughts. But when I write, it flows like running water...smooth and clear. I hope so anyway :) What am I so afraid of when I blog? Well, I keep a few journals at home that I write in too. Not as regularly as I should or would like to, but more often than I blog. The thing is, fear of judgment is very real to me. And I'm not so fearful of judgment from strangers as I am from people I know such as family and friends. I think there is an image that we put up for all to see, and we build on what we want people to see. We try to control how much of ourselves we reveal. After all, what would people think of us if they know the whole truth? What's really going on beneath the surface. Those dark emotions and dark thoughts that we all have, how do we release them? There must be an avenue of escape before they explode out of us after being bottled up. And blogs are great, in that we can express ourselves behind the safety of a screen. But, what about the things inside us that might be socially unacceptable? The things that are uncomfortable to talk about? What about those things? The things that make us real....flawed....human. What about those? The danger and curiosities. The things we secretly wish but would never tell. People's feelings might be hurt. They would look at us differently. Think less of us. How unimaginable to tarnish that precious image we fight so hard to display. But, what about the saying that the truth shall set us free? Is that a blanketed statement meaning ANY and ALL truths? Where is the socially accepted line that shouldn't be crossed? And free from what exactly? From the internal chains that bind us and enclose us and free us from feeling trapped? The American Dream is that anything is possible, right? But, not really ANYTHING, right? That's where we're stuck. Sure anything is possible, but not for me. I don't have the money or the time or the ability or the intelligence. What limits do we put on ourselves? I put many limits on myself. It goes back to the fear of failure, doesn't it? It always goes back to that. Failing people we care about and failing ourselves. Why bother even trying? Why putting forth time, money and hard work when the chances of succeeding and my true desires coming true are so slim? Because of the possibility of something more. More fulfillment. More reward. More opportunity. To not be stuck somewhere because it's the easier thing and it's more convenient. So, the real reason I don't blog more is this...what I write about is about something more. I can't seem to write about everyday things. My writing is my release and it must reflect the things that I need to express. Many times those thoughts are very heavy and I've been told that sometimes they are too heavy. My fear is that most people don't want to hear about that stuff. They want to hear about how things are going to get better, that people can change and situations can change. We all want to hear that. So, why not write about those things? Because that's not me. I must challenge myself to get past my fear and realize that maybe by sharing myself more, people can find a way to relate by reading something that we all tend to feel but are too afraid to say out loud. At the core, we are all the same. We want to be accepted and loved. We want happiness and at the end of our time we want to look back and say "I had a good life". Not perfect, but good. I want that. In order for that to happen to me though, I think I have to push myself to go to uncomfortable places. To stretch and challenge myself. To better myself and really put forth effort towards the things I really want. Then, at the end of my life, at least I will have peace that I tried. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Words we live by. Well, my friends, I am going to try and face my fear and be less afraid of what people think and be true to myself. So, let me ask you....what fears are holding you back from what you truly desire? Thank you as always for listening :)Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-43809062206670056852013-03-12T17:38:00.000-07:002013-03-12T17:39:35.531-07:00Shower Me Clean<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love taking showers. It's like an attainable escape. So simple. So ordinary. I turn the silver handle and hear the water pour out. It shoots out and pitter-patters to the bottom of the tub. It's waiting for me. I turn the handle all the way to the left allowing the water to heat up to its hottest temperature. I reach my fingertips in to feel if the water is the temp that I want it. It is. I step in and let the steam surround me. It encompasses me like a warm blanket wrapped around me. I wash and am clean and there is something so wonderful about that. I stand there and close my eyes as the seething water runs down. I close my eyes as it covers my face. I just want to stay in here. The water washes everything away and I am renewed again. I don't have to do anything right now, except just be. An isolated, quiet moment of freedom and peace cut off from the world. I can let my mind escape, even wander to another place. Nothing and nobody to worry about right now. Let go, Alaina, let go. Just for a few moments. Where will my mind run off to? An island perhaps? With the beating heat of the sun that makes you feel as if you're in an open sauna. No worries. In the next moment the water will wash it away. I am clean. I am pure, just even for these few minutes. I choose to only hear the rush of the water and feel the warmth of the steam. Peace, sweet peace. The tensions release in the toasty steam around me. My body unwinds and I feel relaxation. But my time is up and I must get on with my day. Until next time.Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-66398550442981098012013-01-10T20:58:00.001-08:002013-01-10T20:59:04.055-08:00Therapy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Okay, I'm going to reveal something about myself that a lot of people do not know about me. I am currently in therapy. I have been for over a year. It helps me deal with sensitive issues from my childhood, as well as difficulties in my daily life right now. I guess I just wanted to say that it has helped so much more than I expected. I was definitely one of those people who avoided it, for fear of what it meant and fear of being judged when people found out. I felt I was a failure if I went. The first day was a complete surprise. I know it's different for everyone, and some people find it uncomfortable to air their troubles to a stranger; I found it to be the exact opposite. This person doesn't know me, what have I got to lose? I actually enjoyed the opportunity to have an hour to just talk about me and have someone give me undivided attention. It was amazing to me. I just spilled all my issues out with no problem and it was a very freeing feeling. More than anything, it's been a learning experience for me....about myself. And it really is a journey that I've been on. The most surprising thing is how they get you to say those things you're afraid to say out loud and it transforms you. Things that are buried so far deep inside that is difficult to access somehow comes to the surface. But even though it sounds like a bad thing emotionally, it really is a step forward in healing and confronting things that need to be confronted. So, I guess I just wanted to say that I think therapy has gotten a bad rap in the past, but it's a really great thing. It's really helpful. I recommend it if you're struggling and need a little help. What's so wrong with needing help?Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-69752142923150653002013-01-07T09:25:00.002-08:002013-01-10T20:59:26.980-08:00Les Miserables<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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WOW. So, I went to the movies with my Mom yesterday afternoon and we saw the Les Miserables movie. Neither of us had seen the old movie or the play. We both loved it. It was absolutely sensational! The acting was superb and so was the directing. The movie was beautifully made. The story was so powerful and moving. It was so intense, that I didn't want to blink for fear of missing something. The actors took acting to a new level with the emotion and rawness that was portrayed. The makeup and scenery and costumes, it all went together beautifully. What a wonderful story of redemption and sacrifice and love. I think it was one of the best movies ever made and definitely one of the best I've ever seen and a new favorite for me. Everyone needs to go see this movie. It's such a beautiful story with so much depth. I hope it sweeps all the awards this year :) For all of you out there who saw it, what did you think?Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-40313374397140776152013-01-06T00:07:00.000-08:002013-01-10T20:59:46.057-08:00Enjoying Life ImperfectlyEvery January 1st since I can remember, I make this plan that I'm going to somehow start living every day perfectly. Gonna get up early, read my Bible, shower, full face of makeup, hair perfect, clean the entire house, make a perfect breakfast and go through the day the way I "should". After three days, it's basically gone to hell. Not this time. I'm enjoying each day imperfectly.<br />
It's much nicer going through the day without expectation of myself. Just to live the day moment to moment. It's absolutely freeing. Liberating. What a thrill to not plan your day before it even begins.<br />
Enjoying the moments that add up the day, instead of how it may appear on the outside and to other people.<br />
<br />Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-24201595350837632452013-01-04T21:51:00.002-08:002013-01-10T21:00:09.210-08:00Learning to Play Piano<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I decided to learn how to play the piano. I already have a keyboard that I bought many years ago. I played around with it a little bit, but nothing really stuck. Then life just got busy and back in the box it went, and has stayed there since. Well, my cousin Ashlynn got a guitar for Christmas this year and has been playing it non-stop since. I love listening to her play and sing. It has inspired me to get my keyboard out and learn to play. She taught me a few things and then today I went on to youtube and learned how to play two songs that I love...."It will rain" by Bruno Mars, and "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. It's been really fun getting involved in music and learning to play piano is something I've always wanted to do. Makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Challenging myself. Learning new things. I'm tired of standing still. Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-30460788201777367032013-01-03T13:47:00.001-08:002013-01-03T13:47:29.348-08:00Working on the house<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Well, since New Years Day I have been a busy bee. I've been working on the inside of the house a lot. Trying to get it to look past the "just moved in" stage. We moved in last May. Everything is nicely painted and there are some pictures up and stuff but there are no bookshelves or much beyond that point. We have a lot of space, so that's not the problem. It's a matter of utilizing and organizing the space we have. I'm feeling really good about what I've done so far. I am quite lazy and tend to put things off.<br />
I bought a coat rack and shoe rack for behind the front door in the entrance-way. I also bought a ladder bookshelf for the living room to display some pictures and books. I organized the office/playroom and found a place for everything. It looks nice and tidy now. I hung up a corkboard in the kitchen to display all of Becca's artwork and crafts. I also put the shelves up in my china cabinet and displayed all of my great-grandmother's china that was given to me. It looks really nice. My big purchase, though, I made New Years Day and it just got delivered three hours ago. I bought a brand new Dining Room Set. I finally saved enough money up over the past few months and I got a great deal on it too. It was a New Years Sale plus I got a military discount as well as friends and family discount. I just love it! We've been using a large folding table for a while and the table we had before that was a $50 Ikea table that was super tiny. So, finally we have a nice set to be proud of and can seat 8 people comfortably. Dark brown wood with dark brown upholstered chairs. It was bought with money that was left to me from my stepfather when he passed, so I think of it as his gift to me. Something I will always have. I'm real proud of myself for making my home more of a home. Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-69855877718174531882013-01-02T08:29:00.003-08:002013-01-02T08:30:38.217-08:00The Strong-Willed Child<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm reading the book, "The Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. I had heard of it before and was interested, and then my mom bought it for me. I wish I had started reading this book much earlier. Turns out it's all about my daughter. It's been such a struggle, the past year and a half with her. I find it very difficult to parent her. Especially doing it by myself while Eric is deployed. It has given me a new respect for single parents. Of course it doesn't help that Becca has her father's personality as well as everything else. I wonder what she got from me besides physical attributes. We have opposite personalities. I am shy, quiet, and avoid confrontation. Becca is never quiet, requires constant attention, and thrives on battles and testing limits. I am very early on in the book, but a comfort I have read already is that it is part of her genetic makeup. I have felt like a parental failure because of her behavior. Make no mistake, I do play a part in this, a big part. I struggle with discipline and consistency with her, which adds to the problem big time. My passive, non-confrontational personality conflicts with her frequency to start a battle between us. Another thing the book encouraged was prayer. To pray for my daughter. For the Holy Spirit to tame her strong will without destroying her spirit. This really spoke to me, and I've immediately started to do that. I'm definitely one of those people who pray as a last resort; when everything else I've tried has failed. God has more power than I do, and He loves my daughter more than I do too.<br />
I need to learn control with her and teach her. I am glad I have this book, though. It is a great read and I recommend it to you other mothers out there who are struggling with the same battles I am.<br />
<br />Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-74147442014134495632013-01-01T06:23:00.005-08:002013-01-01T06:26:58.163-08:00365 Posts for 2013<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Well, hello everybody. It's been a long time I see. I didn't realize just how long it has been until just now when I saw the date of my last post. And what a year not to post. Let's just say I had a lot to write about. I just never did. Nevertheless, it's a new year and I want to take writing to another level. Those of you who regularly read my posts and those of you who know me personally, know by now that my dream is to be a writer. The extent of what kind, is yet to be determined. However, it is clear to me that it's what I'm meant to do. So, here I am at 6:30am, on the first day of the new year. I've decided to start back up again on my blog with a challenge to myself. I am going to write a post every single day this year, whether I feel like it or not. I've read many, many books on writing and how to be a successful writer. Every single one of them state strongly that in order to be a good writer, you must write constantly. I've actually been asked by many friends why I stopped posting on my blog and if I still write. The answer is yes, I still write. Not as much as I should or would like to. I stopped posting on my blog because most of the things I write about are very, very personal. My writing is vulnerable and I write about a lot of stuff most people in my life do not know about. Why not share it? Well, in the past, fear of judgment and giving people close up access to deep, dark places in my life. But isn't that what all good writing is about anyway? For the writer, it's about unleashing inner emotions and thoughts. For the reader, it's about a connection to something beyond the page; beyond the words of the subject matter. I can't be 80 years old and still be saying I want to be a writer. There must be progress. So, this is me taking a step forward. Sharing with you my upcoming year. I know you missed last year, but this year couldn't possibly be worse. In fact, I would like to start the new year off right, in saying that this year I plan to take steps toward healing, and moving on from the past. Not forgetting it, or the mistakes and hurt and pain that came with it, but to no longer allow it to hold power over the present. I want this year to be a year of change for me, from the inside out. As a person, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a child of God, and all of the other roles that I have. I will share with you that my biggest weakness is also my most hated trait about myself. It has been the Achilles heel of my life. Lack of follow-through. It stems from laziness. Great ideas that lead to nowhere. A decision that is never carried out. To put something off until the next day, week, or month. This year I want to make a conscious effort to work on that. To become more productive. Despite however I may appear, like most people, I am very hard on myself. To the point where, for an entire year, I did not look in a mirror because I hated what I saw so much. I've come far from that point to a place of acceptance. To have peace within myself. Believe me, it has taken many years to get to this point, and it was a path of self-hatred and self-destruction. Words I live by; they are my own: if perfection doesn't exist and is unattainable, there is always room for improvement. I will never be perfect, but that means I can strive to better myself and grow and improve on weak areas in my life. I've also learned to find what few strengths I have, and maximize and extend them towards other avenues in life.<br />
So, anyway, I am re-opening my blog this year. I hope you come on this journey with me. I am nervous to let you inside my thoughts, but risks can bring forth great rewards, right? <br />
I'm going to end each post with a concluding message to you, my readers.<br />
Today's is: Happy New Year to you. Some people make resolutions for the new year or goals to work on. Tell me one of yours. If you are not one to make resolutions, I would ask you to simply think to yourself how you would like either yourself or your life to be different from this time next year. Life is short. As we've read in headlines the past few months, there is a lot of negative in the world. It's time to embrace the good and strive to better ourselves. After all, that is all we can be accountable for, nobody else.Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-9285967276066078062012-02-04T13:12:00.000-08:002012-02-04T13:33:08.373-08:00Can I pursue my dreams despite my fears?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEOPOV3_up13fjTIxDcfdKBGtmKpvCbtGZSdC2HM9_OpUC6Q1Ec1FF933d9uc2Jxf2goFDR65AOL08Y72CMBKQd5E0phQDW5GABXRVWW-tt2bnh1uWImheDvtvioKn8kSORsZj2dWMKZ4l/s1600/fear_of_failure.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEOPOV3_up13fjTIxDcfdKBGtmKpvCbtGZSdC2HM9_OpUC6Q1Ec1FF933d9uc2Jxf2goFDR65AOL08Y72CMBKQd5E0phQDW5GABXRVWW-tt2bnh1uWImheDvtvioKn8kSORsZj2dWMKZ4l/s320/fear_of_failure.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="color: #20124d;">What a great question....</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">I think this question is the one that precedes our dreams. It is for me anyway. I have many dreams that I am just now discovering exist deep inside myself. They are constantly in the back of my mind. They are things I believe I am meant to do in life; part of my purpose. They are pretty clear in description. Yet I try to ignore them. Why, you ask? Simple....fear. What kind?</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.yesandspace.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/fear-of-not-being-good-enough-300x225.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.yesandspace.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/fear-of-not-being-good-enough-300x225.jpg" /></a></div><span style="color: #20124d;"> Most of us have this fear in common, though we mask it so no one can see our vulnerability and weakness. Isn't it just easier to not try at all, than to try and fail? With that ending, it would seem that effort was a waste of time to not produce a desired result. But there was still a result, just not the one we wanted. It's still growth and allows us to move forward. I'm at the point in my life where I'm tired of standing still and just coasting day to day. Afraid to try new things for fear of the unknown. You all know by now, that though I have many dreams that I would love to pursue, my biggest one is writing. To be a writer. I've had so much positive feedback and encouragent, both from people I do and don't know. Yet, I'm scared. Me? A writer? I've never been to any fancy schools and I don't have any special knowledge and skills that could possibly come close to measuring up to all the brilliant writers in this world. The odds are stacked up against me everywhere I see. All I have going for me is my natural talent that I was born with. God-given talent. Is it enough? Is what I have to say from my little corner of the world important enough for people to listen to? Would people want to?</span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"> I guess I should be firm in expressing my desired outcome. To become a writer to me is not to become famous. It's not to make lots and lots of money. It's using words in a magical way to connect with another person. To bring someone on a journey in their mind through words in different forms. For me it would be a form of encouragement, to touch someone's life; to make a difference. Words are so powerful, people. They can completely change lives when put together in positive form. I want to make a contribution to the world. To give back. What I'm doing now in my life is just simply not enough for me and I won't settle for standing still. I want to challenge myself. The problem is, I can't seem to follow through with it. But if I don't try, I'll never know, and I'll always wonder. There's always room for growth of a person since perfection is unattainable; and I'm due for a growth spurt. </span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;">I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. Everyone has fears. But you'd never know with the show we all put on. Put on our warrior faces when we step out the door and make sure no one sees anything but strength. I understand that we live in a time where that's necessary for survival. But, make sure you have some kind of outlet for the fears and pain and weakness in your life. Because when kept locked up, it eats away at you and turns into anger which leads to hate, and we can all agree there is far too much of that in our world. </span>Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-80582388846925066512012-01-08T10:51:00.000-08:002012-01-08T10:57:35.749-08:00The Absence of a Father<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.artsdesiregifts.com/uploads/demdaco_fatheranddaughter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.artsdesiregifts.com/uploads/demdaco_fatheranddaughter.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
<div style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-size: small;">It's only been the last few years that I've realized on a personal as well as an observant level, how important it is to have a father who cares in a child's life. I'm sure it's important for young boys to learn from their father how to be a man, but it's equally important for young girls to learn from fathers how to be treated by a man. I know this from personal experience. Now, my mom is the greatest mom in my book, she took on the role of both mom and dad in my life, since I've never met my father. He left both her and I when I was a baby. My mom has incredible strength and she managed to provide all my needs and was there for me in every way. I wasn't that lonely, sad child who wished for a daddy secretly and wondered what I was missing. My mom was more than enough. Besides, why would I want to know somebody who didn't want to know me? There were a few father figures in my life growing up, but only one with staying power that made any kind of difference...my stepfather, Dave. Came into my life when I was about 8 or 9 years old. Complete opposite of my mom in every way I could think of at the time. Now, remember, my mom is my hero and she can do no wrong in my eyes, so everyone was unworthy of her to me. No one was good enough, because she deserved the very best and to be treated the way I felt she deserved. Now, Dave was a really good man, but he didn't show affection the way I thought he should, he just had a quieter, shy personality, unlike my mother's outgoing, outward displays of affection I was used to. So...not good enough. I focused on all his flaws and magnified them. Not till after he passed away and I was shaken to the core because of it, did I realize the good in him. And he loved my mom and took care of her in all the important ways, just in his own way, not my way. I learned a lot from him. But, unfortunately, because of my judgment and hostility towards him for years, we were never close. He was always there for me and provided all my needs and most wants, but I put up a wall that he could never break. I realize that I have barriers to this day because of it. It makes me uncomfortable to have affection from a man, because I'm not used to it. Though I love my husband, there is still that hesitancy. Because it is taken completely different when a man says something to me in comparison to a woman. Now that I'm older, I realize how much I wish I had that closeness with a father when I was younger. Since I grew up without a father, when choosing to spend my life with a man, that was one of the top "must-have's" in my book......had to want kids and I had to think he would make a terrific father....and I succeeded on that quest. My husband is a wonderful father and he adores my little girl. And she looks at him like he is her whole world. I'm so thankful she has that. But occasionally, I have "little girl" moments myself, where I wish when I was a kid that I had a strong father to pick me up and tell me I was his world. And whose arms I would run into when I was hurt or sad. Someone who would tell me I was good enough and remind me of the good in me. My mother is my #1 fan and has that covered brilliantly, but it's not the same. Because even though my husband is the best and I know he thinks a lot of me, there is still a part of me that thinks I will screw up enough one day that he'll leave me and realize that I'm not worth it. Maybe it's low self-esteem, but I can't help but think that a part of it is because my father didn't think I was worth it. Thankfully, many years ago I accepted Jesus as my Savior and was born again, so I now have a Father in Heaven looking out for me that I can talk to in prayer. But every once in a while, I wish for a physical hug or arms to wrap around me. </span></div><div style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-size: small;">So, I guess I just want to say to all the fathers who choose their children as priorities, and to the women out there who chose these men.....good for you. It matters. Take this role seriously, because as a little girl, they don't see their father's flaws. They don't see the complications of life. They see a hero, and they will give him chance after chance after chance. When a father doesn't fill those expectations....the blame shifts to us little girls. We are not enough. </span></div><table class="postFields" style="color: #351c75;"><tbody>
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</tbody></table>Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-56812143159219095542012-01-02T13:19:00.000-08:002012-01-02T13:22:08.454-08:00A New Year....what shall I do with it?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.freeimageslive.co.uk/files/images007/new_year_2012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://www.freeimageslive.co.uk/files/images007/new_year_2012.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Happy New Year!</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #741b47;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #741b47;">I'm excited for a new year, a fresh start and new beginning. I want this year to be a turning point for me. It's time to start taking action and stop wasting time. To start doing all the things that consume my thoughts. These great ideas and dreams I have I just keep to myself and they stay unfulfilled. It's time I take a chance. Sometimes the biggest rewards stem from the biggest risks. I've played it safe for too long and it has left me very unfulfilled. I know I have more in me to contribute to this world and it's time I let it out. These last few years have been the worst of my life internally and emotionally for me. It is odd, since I've been given so many blessings during this time. I'm going to stop waiting for my life to be what I want and wait for it to all fall perfectly into my life, it's just an immature thought and not how it works. Time to grow up and take charge and make these things happen. I will slowly take you on my dark journey I've been on as I hit my rock bottom. I am slowly climbing my way up and my focus is one foot in front of the other. Normalcy seems unattainable and unreachable as I've fallen so far, but I learned a lot from that fall and I can use that to help someone else with those same feelings. This year is going to be a great one. Last year I finished school and I have a diploma for medical transcription. It made me feel good that I accomplished something totally on my own that was only for me. I have put myself on the backburner for so long that it has become unhealthy and has formed resentment and anger. I need to make myself more of a priority and stop being a martyr, I must do this to make peace with myself and be able to look at myself in the mirror instead of seeing hate in the reflection. I'm going to be the me I know I'm meant to be, the one I was created to be, the me I know I can be. It's time to stop giving up just because perfection is unattainable, that simply means we can always strive to be more, not that we're not good enough. There's something good in all of us, something we can contribute to our world. I consider myself very, very weak...but I want to strengthen myself and not continue to stay weak. It's all a choice. Choosing to live this way and think this way and be this way. Well, 2012....a new me is surfacing. I'm getting rid of all the skeletons in my life that I am just now discovering that are holding me back and keeping me so limited. I will overcome them with determination for a better life, for me and my family. They deserve better and so do I.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #741b47;"> </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvx4t1bae01qeweoho1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="296" src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvx4t1bae01qeweoho1_500.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #741b47;"> </span></div><span style="color: #4c1130;">The theme of this year is going to be </span><span style="color: #20124d;"><i><b>CHANGE</b></i><span style="color: #4c1130;">. I know, I know....isn't that the theme of every year, right? Yes, but I am changing who I am from the inside out. I know, I'm sooo melodramatic...LOL. But, it's how I feel. There are big changes in store for me this year. We are looking to buy our first house in a different state. Eric is back on a ship now which means deployments, long hours, underways, and less time together as a family. Time to draw strength from within and equip myself...if I can't handle my life in the good times where everything's going my way, what does that mean for me when things really get rocky and all that is familiar to me takes an abrupt turn. I don't adapt well to big changes in life but it's time I start. I have a three year old that depends on me to feel secure in her life and a husband who gives so much of himself that he needs to know I can take care of things and give him less to worry about on the homefront. The change starts with me. You all know that famous quote that I love so much and I'm sure most of you do as well.....<i><span style="color: #351c75;">"be the change you wish to see in the world."</span></i><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"> It's one of my favorites. I'm feeling that this is the year for this quote to become reality and I would challenge you to apply it to your life as well. No matter what we do, we can always do more, go the extra mile, start small but be consistent. This is what I am striving for. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">So...on another note...inspiring this change, I woke up New Years Day with a song in my head, the words flowing through and I couldn't get them out of my head. Maybe God's challenge to me...my new years anthem...</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>It's a new year, it's gonna be great,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>It's gonna deliver whatever my fate</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Filled with laughter and memories of things that I love</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Hoping and praying for what I dream of....</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Peace for the restless, and homes for the homeless,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Food for the hungry, and cures for the sick.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Strength for the weak, help for people in need,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i> </i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>The change in this world that we seek...</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Let it begin with you and with me.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><br />
</b></i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>It's time to start the change, </i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>It's time to rearrange,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>What's most important in our lives...</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Is it houses and cars and clothes that we wear</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>To make us look good, but who really cares?</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>The change in this world that we seek...</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Let it begin with you and with me.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>I've decided that this year I want to change me,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>From the inside out and fulfill my destiny.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>I know I am better than this complacency.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>What can I do? So many possibilities...</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>A smile to the people I pass on the street,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Lending my time or a hand to where I see a need.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Thinking of others out there, not just family and friends,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>But strangers who might have no means to an end.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>I have so much more than I need...</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Because God has been so good to me.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>It's time to give back with compassion and kindness,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Selflessness, friendliness we can find inside us.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Whether we think they deserve it or not,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>It's not up to us to judge someone else's plot.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Give with no reason except cuz it's right,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Could one simple choice of mine change someone's life?</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>It just might......</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>What can I do to better my life?</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Be the best I can be and look forward, not behind.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Pursue my dreams, despite fear of failing,</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Not being good enough can be very scary.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Our world needs a change...</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>And it all starts with you and with me.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Change starts with a choice...</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>To do something or not to.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></span></span></span></span></span>Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-84005840531621117232011-11-04T18:12:00.000-07:002011-11-04T18:12:19.536-07:00I'm Coming Back SoonHello dear bloggers,<br />
How have you all been? It's been a long time and I've missed reading your thought-provoking stories and encouraging words in your blogs. Thank you to any of you still willing to follow me after such a long silence. I'm here to give you a message....I'm coming back to blogging, I'm also here to tell you why the absence. So, here goes...<br />
Those of you who used to read my blog regularly, and I know who you are, know that I've struggled for a while with the trials of being a stay at home mother to a toddler as well as feeling very run down. After much time, I decided to get some help, because whatever I was doing just wasn't cutting it. This was a difficult decision for me. But at that point, I had reached rock bottom and I had zero to lose. I decided to see a counselor. It was very helpful and felt comfortable right away, oddly very comfortable pouring out my problems...probably because I have a habit of keeping them bottled up. It was very helpful to me. He told me to get evaluated by a physician, so I did. I was told I had postpartum depression as well as a very high anxiety disorder. That explains a lot. So, I began taking medication and seeing my counselor once a week and my doctor once a month as well. I am doing better these days but it is a slow process. It was a gradual fall, so it must take a gradual climb to heal the bruises and scars. I'm glad I did it and I feel I have a message to share with so many out there who feel lost like I did. Who hate what they see in the mirror and wonder what point there is to keep on going. It was a scary time. But I have hope. Hope in my future. I've learned much about my life and who I really am. Not the me I pretended to be but what I really want and what's really important. I thought I knew myself but I really didn't. That's where the counseling really helped. Not sure why counseling gets such a bad rap. It's quite educational.<br />
My relationship with God is distant at the moment, but my faith is not gone. I know He is still there as always and He hears me when I call to Him. What saved me from going further down that road? I don't know. I still don't. I did pray over and over...so maybe God delivered me from my pain. I say God is the answer when you don't see an answer.<br />
Anyway, moving on....we are moving to California and I can't wait to go! To leave this place filled with bad memories can't come soon enough. But I've really missed blogging and journaling my thoughts and reading about yours too. So the crazy fun of the holiday is coming soon and once things settle down I will be returning to blogging after the new year.<br />
I have hope in my future and I can't wait to see what's in store for me. Just because I am imperfect and have countless flaws, doesn't mean my life isn't important, which I once thought was so. I've decided to embrace life. To watch my daughter grow up and grow old with my husband. To share with people my story and find the voice within myself.<br />
I have small accomplishment to share. I finished school and got a diploma in medical transcription after two years. I did it all on my own and passed with a 92 average. I also have decided to pursue my dream of being a writer. It is my passion and I hope I can believe in myself enough to realize that there is much power through words and writing. I choose to use that power for good and share my message through my journey I've been on.<br />
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season! You'll be hearing from me soon!Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8302211055226356439.post-60949237269331690832011-06-01T11:25:00.000-07:002011-06-01T11:29:18.564-07:00Stop the NoiseNot sure what's happening lately, but I am growing weak and tired and frazzled. I am not sleeping well and my patience is running dry. I can't think straight because there is so much noise. Noise of the tv always on, which was once comforting in keeping me company and not feeling lonely, but now has become a nuisance....everything, and I mean everything annoys me...the neighbors and loud vehicles outside, the phone ringing, the dog barking......but the most disturbing noise of them all....the noise that won't stop....the noise that bothers me more than anything...brace yourselves because this isn't pretty....it's the sound of my daughter's voice never ceasing. I know, I know, but I can't help it. It's overwhelming me. So many people have it so much harder than me, but having a two year old is just running my resources dry. She went 5 hours straight talking without a break (that's right...I know what I typed), all the while in a voice that is about 10 decibels louder than I am comfortable with. She isn't a child that stays still and quietly watches a movie or playing with her toys...she has to be entertained at all times and can't be still, she has to be moving and running around and goes from one thing to the next out of boredom. What has happened here? I loved being a stay at home mom when she was an infant and didn't talk and didn't walk. It was controlled and managed. Am I not cut out for this? Do I not have enough patience for this? I long for the day when she can be more independent...go to the bathroom herself, feed herself, play by herself, so I can go back to doing my own thing. I mean, how selfish is that? I've been told so many times that I'm gonna miss this time. When she goes to school and doesn't need me anymore I will miss the days where I am wrapped around her finger and am her whole world. I just don't feel that way right now. Maybe I need to ask God to change my heart. A lot of times I feel like a single parent on my own. Eric works nights so he sleeps in late and then sometimes he goes running before work, so really he only has a couple hours to help me during the day and he's usually doing his own thing..either with the computer or the truck or the tv. I need more breaks I think. We don't have family or friends around that we trust yet to babysit Becca, so I don't get any breaks except for when we visit one of our parents who help out sometimes in watching Becca. I just feel like a well run dry, or a car running on empty. I don't feel depressed or sad, because I have much to be thankful for and am past hating myself. I have gained a lot of acceptance of who I am and am still in that process, I just feel a bit maxed out. There is just no balance in my life. It's hard sometimes being a military wife. And I struggle with adapting to my situations. It comes very difficult for me and it takes me a long time. Maybe it's a time management problem. If I utilize my time better when Becca is asleep, I can make the time to focus on me instead of filling it with things that need to be done. I feel I've been neglecting myself and my own needs to serve everyone else's. Like when you don't eat for days and your system shuts down and you grow weak and tired and lack energy...that's how I feel. Something's gotta change around here.Lainahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10908436103293843647noreply@blogger.com6