Reflections of a Navy Wife

Can I pursue my dreams despite my fears?

2012-02-04T13:12:00.000-08:00

What a great question....
I think this question is the one that precedes our dreams. It is for me anyway. I have many dreams that I am just now discovering exist deep inside myself. They are constantly in the back of my mind. They are things I believe I am meant to do in life; part of my purpose. They are pretty clear in description. Yet I try to ignore them. Why, you ask? Simple....fear. What kind?

Most of us have this fear in common, though we mask it so no one can see our vulnerability and weakness. Isn't it just easier to not try at all, than to try and fail? With that ending, it would seem that effort was a waste of time to not produce a desired result. But there was still a result, just not the one we wanted. It's still growth and allows us to move forward. I'm at the point in my life where I'm tired of standing still and just coasting day to day. Afraid to try new things for fear of the unknown. You all know by now, that though I have many dreams that I would love to pursue, my biggest one is writing. To be a writer. I've had so much positive feedback and encouragent, both from people I do and don't know. Yet, I'm scared. Me? A writer? I've never been to any fancy schools and I don't have any special knowledge and skills that could possibly come close to measuring up to all the brilliant writers in this world. The odds are stacked up against me everywhere I see. All I have going for me is my natural talent that I was born with. God-given talent. Is it enough? Is what I have to say from my little corner of the world important enough for people to listen to? Would people want to?
I guess I should be firm in expressing my desired outcome. To become a writer to me is not to become famous. It's not to make lots and lots of money. It's using words in a magical way to connect with another person. To bring someone on a journey in their mind through words in different forms. For me it would be a form of encouragement, to touch someone's life; to make a difference. Words are so powerful, people. They can completely change lives when put together in positive form. I want to make a contribution to the world. To give back. What I'm doing now in my life is just simply not enough for me and I won't settle for standing still. I want to challenge myself. The problem is, I can't seem to follow through with it. But if I don't try, I'll never know, and I'll always wonder. There's always room for growth of a person since perfection is unattainable; and I'm due for a growth spurt.
I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. Everyone has fears. But you'd never know with the show we all put on. Put on our warrior faces when we step out the door and make sure no one sees anything but strength. I understand that we live in a time where that's necessary for survival. But, make sure you have some kind of outlet for the fears and pain and weakness in your life. Because when kept locked up, it eats away at you and turns into anger which leads to hate, and we can all agree there is far too much of that in our world.

The Absence of a Father

2012-01-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

It's only been the last few years that I've realized on a personal as well as an observant level, how important it is to have a father who cares in a child's life. I'm sure it's important for young boys to learn from their father how to be a man, but it's equally important for young girls to learn from fathers how to be treated by a man. I know this from personal experience. Now, my mom is the greatest mom in my book, she took on the role of both mom and dad in my life, since I've never met my father. He left both her and I when I was a baby. My mom has incredible strength and she managed to provide all my needs and was there for me in every way. I wasn't that lonely, sad child who wished for a daddy secretly and wondered what I was missing. My mom was more than enough. Besides, why would I want to know somebody who didn't want to know me? There were a few father figures in my life growing up, but only one with staying power that made any kind of difference...my stepfather, Dave. Came into my life when I was about 8 or 9 years old. Complete opposite of my mom in every way I could think of at the time. Now, remember, my mom is my hero and she can do no wrong in my eyes, so everyone was unworthy of her to me. No one was good enough, because she deserved the very best and to be treated the way I felt she deserved. Now, Dave was a really good man, but he didn't show affection the way I thought he should, he just had a quieter, shy personality, unlike my mother's outgoing, outward displays of affection I was used to. So...not good enough. I focused on all his flaws and magnified them. Not till after he passed away and I was shaken to the core because of it, did I realize the good in him. And he loved my mom and took care of her in all the important ways, just in his own way, not my way. I learned a lot from him. But, unfortunately, because of my judgment and hostility towards him for years, we were never close. He was always there for me and provided all my needs and most wants, but I put up a wall that he could never break. I realize that I have barriers to this day because of it. It makes me uncomfortable to have affection from a man, because I'm not used to it. Though I love my husband, there is still that hesitancy. Because it is taken completely different when a man says something to me in comparison to a woman. Now that I'm older, I realize how much I wish I had that closeness with a father when I was younger. Since I grew up without a father, when choosing to spend my life with a man, that was one of the top "must-have's" in my book......had to want kids and I had to think he would make a terrific father....and I succeeded on that quest. My husband is a wonderful father and he adores my little girl. And she looks at him like he is her whole world. I'm so thankful she has that. But occasionally, I have "little girl" moments myself, where I wish when I was a kid that I had a strong father to pick me up and tell me I was his world. And whose arms I would run into when I was hurt or sad. Someone who would tell me I was good enough and remind me of the good in me. My mother is my #1 fan and has that covered brilliantly, but it's not the same. Because even though my husband is the best and I know he thinks a lot of me, there is still a part of me that thinks I will screw up enough one day that he'll leave me and realize that I'm not worth it. Maybe it's low self-esteem, but I can't help but think that a part of it is because my father didn't think I was worth it. Thankfully, many years ago I accepted Jesus as my Savior and was born again, so I now have a Father in Heaven looking out for me that I can talk to in prayer. But every once in a while, I wish for a physical hug or arms to wrap around me.

So, I guess I just want to say to all the fathers who choose their children as priorities, and to the women out there who chose these men.....good for you. It matters. Take this role seriously, because as a little girl, they don't see their father's flaws. They don't see the complications of life. They see a hero, and they will give him chance after chance after chance. When a father doesn't fill those expectations....the blame shifts to us little girls. We are not enough.

A New Year....what shall I do with it?

2012-01-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I'm excited for a new year, a fresh start and new beginning. I want this year to be a turning point for me. It's time to start taking action and stop wasting time. To start doing all the things that consume my thoughts. These great ideas and dreams I have I just keep to myself and they stay unfulfilled. It's time I take a chance. Sometimes the biggest rewards stem from the biggest risks. I've played it safe for too long and it has left me very unfulfilled. I know I have more in me to contribute to this world and it's time I let it out. These last few years have been the worst of my life internally and emotionally for me. It is odd, since I've been given so many blessings during this time. I'm going to stop waiting for my life to be what I want and wait for it to all fall perfectly into my life, it's just an immature thought and not how it works. Time to grow up and take charge and make these things happen. I will slowly take you on my dark journey I've been on as I hit my rock bottom. I am slowly climbing my way up and my focus is one foot in front of the other. Normalcy seems unattainable and unreachable as I've fallen so far, but I learned a lot from that fall and I can use that to help someone else with those same feelings. This year is going to be a great one. Last year I finished school and I have a diploma for medical transcription. It made me feel good that I accomplished something totally on my own that was only for me. I have put myself on the backburner for so long that it has become unhealthy and has formed resentment and anger. I need to make myself more of a priority and stop being a martyr, I must do this to make peace with myself and be able to look at myself in the mirror instead of seeing hate in the reflection. I'm going to be the me I know I'm meant to be, the one I was created to be, the me I know I can be. It's time to stop giving up just because perfection is unattainable, that simply means we can always strive to be more, not that we're not good enough. There's something good in all of us, something we can contribute to our world. I consider myself very, very weak...but I want to strengthen myself and not continue to stay weak. It's all a choice. Choosing to live this way and think this way and be this way. Well, 2012....a new me is surfacing. I'm getting rid of all the skeletons in my life that I am just now discovering that are holding me back and keeping me so limited. I will overcome them with determination for a better life, for me and my family. They deserve better and so do I.

The theme of this year is going to be CHANGE. I know, I know....isn't that the theme of every year, right? Yes, but I am changing who I am from the inside out. I know, I'm sooo melodramatic...LOL. But, it's how I feel. There are big changes in store for me this year. We are looking to buy our first house in a different state. Eric is back on a ship now which means deployments, long hours, underways, and less time together as a family. Time to draw strength from within and equip myself...if I can't handle my life in the good times where everything's going my way, what does that mean for me when things really get rocky and all that is familiar to me takes an abrupt turn. I don't adapt well to big changes in life but it's time I start. I have a three year old that depends on me to feel secure in her life and a husband who gives so much of himself that he needs to know I can take care of things and give him less to worry about on the homefront. The change starts with me. You all know that famous quote that I love so much and I'm sure most of you do as well....."be the change you wish to see in the world." It's one of my favorites. I'm feeling that this is the year for this quote to become reality and I would challenge you to apply it to your life as well. No matter what we do, we can always do more, go the extra mile, start small but be consistent. This is what I am striving for.

So...on another note...inspiring this change, I woke up New Years Day with a song in my head, the words flowing through and I couldn't get them out of my head. Maybe God's challenge to me...my new years anthem...

It's a new year, it's gonna be great,
It's gonna deliver whatever my fate
Filled with laughter and memories of things that I love
Hoping and praying for what I dream of....

Peace for the restless, and homes for the homeless,
Food for the hungry, and cures for the sick.
Strength for the weak, help for people in need,

The change in this world that we seek...
Let it begin with you and with me.

It's time to start the change,
It's time to rearrange,
What's most important in our lives...
Is it houses and cars and clothes that we wear
To make us look good, but who really cares?

The change in this world that we seek...
Let it begin with you and with me.

I've decided that this year I want to change me,
From the inside out and fulfill my destiny.
I know I am better than this complacency.
What can I do? So many possibilities...

A smile to the people I pass on the street,
Lending my time or a hand to where I see a need.
Thinking of others out there, not just family and friends,
But strangers who might have no means to an end.

I have so much more than I need...
Because God has been so good to me.

It's time to give back with compassion and kindness,
Selflessness, friendliness we can find inside us.
Whether we think they deserve it or not,
It's not up to us to judge someone else's plot.

Give with no reason except cuz it's right,
Could one simple choice of mine change someone's life?
It just might......

What can I do to better my life?
Be the best I can be and look forward, not behind.
Pursue my dreams, despite fear of failing,
Not being good enough can be very scary.

Our world needs a change...
And it all starts with you and with me.

Change starts with a choice...
To do something or not to.

I'm Coming Back Soon

2011-11-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

Hello dear bloggers,
How have you all been? It's been a long time and I've missed reading your thought-provoking stories and encouraging words in your blogs. Thank you to any of you still willing to follow me after such a long silence. I'm here to give you a message....I'm coming back to blogging, I'm also here to tell you why the absence. So, here goes...
Those of you who used to read my blog regularly, and I know who you are, know that I've struggled for a while with the trials of being a stay at home mother to a toddler as well as feeling very run down. After much time, I decided to get some help, because whatever I was doing just wasn't cutting it. This was a difficult decision for me. But at that point, I had reached rock bottom and I had zero to lose. I decided to see a counselor. It was very helpful and felt comfortable right away, oddly very comfortable pouring out my problems...probably because I have a habit of keeping them bottled up. It was very helpful to me. He told me to get evaluated by a physician, so I did. I was told I had postpartum depression as well as a very high anxiety disorder. That explains a lot. So, I began taking medication and seeing my counselor once a week and my doctor once a month as well. I am doing better these days but it is a slow process. It was a gradual fall, so it must take a gradual climb to heal the bruises and scars. I'm glad I did it and I feel I have a message to share with so many out there who feel lost like I did. Who hate what they see in the mirror and wonder what point there is to keep on going. It was a scary time. But I have hope. Hope in my future. I've learned much about my life and who I really am. Not the me I pretended to be but what I really want and what's really important. I thought I knew myself but I really didn't. That's where the counseling really helped. Not sure why counseling gets such a bad rap. It's quite educational.
My relationship with God is distant at the moment, but my faith is not gone. I know He is still there as always and He hears me when I call to Him. What saved me from going further down that road? I don't know. I still don't. I did pray over and over...so maybe God delivered me from my pain. I say God is the answer when you don't see an answer.
Anyway, moving on....we are moving to California and I can't wait to go! To leave this place filled with bad memories can't come soon enough. But I've really missed blogging and journaling my thoughts and reading about yours too. So the crazy fun of the holiday is coming soon and once things settle down I will be returning to blogging after the new year.
I have hope in my future and I can't wait to see what's in store for me. Just because I am imperfect and have countless flaws, doesn't mean my life isn't important, which I once thought was so. I've decided to embrace life. To watch my daughter grow up and grow old with my husband. To share with people my story and find the voice within myself.
I have small accomplishment to share. I finished school and got a diploma in medical transcription after two years. I did it all on my own and passed with a 92 average. I also have decided to pursue my dream of being a writer. It is my passion and I hope I can believe in myself enough to realize that there is much power through words and writing. I choose to use that power for good and share my message through my journey I've been on.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season! You'll be hearing from me soon!

Stop the Noise

2011-06-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

Not sure what's happening lately, but I am growing weak and tired and frazzled. I am not sleeping well and my patience is running dry. I can't think straight because there is so much noise. Noise of the tv always on, which was once comforting in keeping me company and not feeling lonely, but now has become a nuisance....everything, and I mean everything annoys me...the neighbors and loud vehicles outside, the phone ringing, the dog barking......but the most disturbing noise of them all....the noise that won't stop....the noise that bothers me more than anything...brace yourselves because this isn't pretty....it's the sound of my daughter's voice never ceasing. I know, I know, but I can't help it. It's overwhelming me. So many people have it so much harder than me, but having a two year old is just running my resources dry. She went 5 hours straight talking without a break (that's right...I know what I typed), all the while in a voice that is about 10 decibels louder than I am comfortable with. She isn't a child that stays still and quietly watches a movie or playing with her toys...she has to be entertained at all times and can't be still, she has to be moving and running around and goes from one thing to the next out of boredom. What has happened here? I loved being a stay at home mom when she was an infant and didn't talk and didn't walk. It was controlled and managed. Am I not cut out for this? Do I not have enough patience for this? I long for the day when she can be more independent...go to the bathroom herself, feed herself, play by herself, so I can go back to doing my own thing. I mean, how selfish is that? I've been told so many times that I'm gonna miss this time. When she goes to school and doesn't need me anymore I will miss the days where I am wrapped around her finger and am her whole world. I just don't feel that way right now. Maybe I need to ask God to change my heart. A lot of times I feel like a single parent on my own. Eric works nights so he sleeps in late and then sometimes he goes running before work, so really he only has a couple hours to help me during the day and he's usually doing his own thing..either with the computer or the truck or the tv. I need more breaks I think. We don't have family or friends around that we trust yet to babysit Becca, so I don't get any breaks except for when we visit one of our parents who help out sometimes in watching Becca. I just feel like a well run dry, or a car running on empty. I don't feel depressed or sad, because I have much to be thankful for and am past hating myself. I have gained a lot of acceptance of who I am and am still in that process, I just feel a bit maxed out. There is just no balance in my life. It's hard sometimes being a military wife. And I struggle with adapting to my situations. It comes very difficult for me and it takes me a long time. Maybe it's a time management problem. If I utilize my time better when Becca is asleep, I can make the time to focus on me instead of filling it with things that need to be done. I feel I've been neglecting myself and my own needs to serve everyone else's. Like when you don't eat for days and your system shuts down and you grow weak and tired and lack energy...that's how I feel. Something's gotta change around here.

Poem I wrote

2011-05-26T18:30:00.000-07:00

When I feel I need some space, I take a walk outside,

I seek peace, I breathe at ease and look up to the sky.

I feel the air brush through my hair and tickle the top of my skin,

I close my eyes and think of God, hoping to connect with Him.

I begin to feel that He is there,

Reminding me that He still cares.

The truth is that He never left, it's me that pushes Him away.

Why I fight Him, I don't know,

Living my way, I'll never grow.
Without Him present in my life, I'll never find my way.

Eyes still closed, I feel the sun's warm rays upon my face,

It's God's way of embracing me and restoring my faith.

He gives me the peace I struggle to find behind my home's four walls,

These walls are closing in on me and I struggle to breathe.

I need to find an escape from this place,

To feel free and to be me.

I feel constrained and confined,

Release me from this cage.

These chains of life have bound me,

And at moments I feel enraged.

I cry, "where are you God? Oh please help me."

He replies, "I'm right here, no need to fear, I've heard your plea."

I sit in His presence saying nothing at all,

He reads my soul and answers its call.

He comforts me, knowing exactly what I need.

I can finally rest, I can finally breathe.

In His presence, He digs deep through the layers, uncovering the hidden real me.

I feel my chest open up, my back feels lighter,

He lifted my burden my outlook is brighter.

Thank you, God for rescuing me and renewing and restoring me once again.

Learning to Manage Stress

2011-05-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough couple of weeks. I haven't really written much or been checking up on my favorite blogs that I follow. Not that I don't care or don't have anything to say, I feel my head is just a bit jumbled and in a fog right now. You know when you just have so much on your mind it kind of becomes a big blur and all the separate issues just combine into a hazy mess of thoughts? I struggle to find where to start and how to form it into words and sentences. All these issues I've been stressing over just all combined together at one time. They are not small issues, every single one is life-altering in a huge way and they involve my life as well as people I am very close to. It was starting to affect my health with headaches, sleeplessness and backaches as well as struggling to focus and lack of patience with daily things around the house. I am an emotional stress mess. The way I relieve stress is to talk about it and then I feel a release within me. I can't really do that this time around because some of these stressers deal with other people's lives that I have been asked not to repeat. I need to lift up all of these stressers to God, because He is the only one who can handle this because it is simply too much for one person to carry. For any of you willing, please pray that I can give these burdens to God instead of trying to handle everything on my own strength which is clearly not willing. I am very stubborn, and though I know in my head what to do, my will is stubborn and addicted to being in control. I need to trust God and let go instead of having to have all the answers immediately. I also can't stress about things beyond my control, especially when it's a decision that someone else has to make in their own lives. We can't always save someone, they need to save themselves or see that they need to be saved. I can only be responsible for myself and my actions and decisions. What's done is done and needs to be left in the past...not question things and go down the "what if?" lane. What is the piece of advice everybody always gives?.....one day at a time, focus on one thing at a time or it is too overwhelming. I, myself have said it, but I struggle to live it. It all makes sense in my head, and words of wisdom come to mind at the right time that I need it, but putting those thoughts into action in my life is a totally separate thing. It's so hard to actually do it for some reason. I will keep working on it. I need to ask God for help with it because I believe He can help equip me with the right shoes to walk on this stony path. Now if only I could do more than just talk about what I want to do and say all the right things, if only I could apply it to my life and do it and take my own advice. Time will tell....

I Spoke Too Soon

2011-05-12T06:12:00.000-07:00

Guess I'm not quite out of the woods like I had hoped and even assumed. One of my last posts I mentioned I had stopped the Depression Cure program I was doing because I was feeling so much better I naively thought I was cured. I credited God for my miraculous change. I do believe God helped lift me out of the "dark place" as I call it, but I am not cured. I stopped taking my vitamins and reading my Bible for the past couple weeks and I am feeling some of those emotions creeping back in. I need to get back on my vitamins and my reading and praying. I guess I didn't realize that I would have to keep at it and incorporate these continually, instead of thinking of it as a quick fix. I read that most people with a history of depression continue to struggle with it over many years. So, it's a much deeper problem that I must continue to apply the things that work, even when I'm doing well, and not just when things are going poorly. I don't know what it is that I reach out to God when I've exhausted everything in my power that has not worked, I go to Him as my last resort because I know He can fix everything, and then He does, and I thank Him, but I just go along on my merry way doing things the way I want. I need to learn to go to Him even when things are good. I also noticed my patience is wearing thin at home with my husband and daughter. My husband is never home, and when he is he's in the middle of projects that he's working on. My daughter is going through a really difficult time...I know now why it is called the terrible two's because they really are awful. She is so highly energetic, she lacks focus and cannot keep still. She is stubborn and gaining more and more independence and defiance with each day. I am simply not used to such a strong personality, and it is difficult for me who is more passive and quiet and low key to keep up with her. She wears me out so quickly. I need to not have such a short fuse with her, she is just learning and I am the one to teach her how to be. I can't get upset and frustrated just because things aren't the way I want them to be, I need to just deal with what the reality is and find a way to come up to her level instead of trying to pull her down to mine.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T19:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there. I had a wonderful weekend with my mom. She drove down here to visit with me this weekend and we had a girls day out yesterday. First we exchanged gifts...my mom gave me money to go shopping with as well as an Italian shirt and some Italian magnets for my fridge along with chocolate covered pretzels..my weakness. For her, I spent all week working on her present. I made her a shadowbox with pictures of the two of us as well as a poem that I wrote for her. She loved it! We went out to lunch at an Italian bistro and then went shopping together for shoes and dresses for some special occasions coming up this summer. It was really fun. We brought dinner home and then had ice cream for dessert later on. Today I wore one of my new dresses I got from yesterday and my husband made us waffles for breakfast, then we took some family pictures outside and after that my mom left to go home. I'm glad to have had that time with her though. It was a lot of fun. So, Becca and I watched a movie together after she left and then I painted her toenails and fingernails and then I did mine. We both got dressed up and then we just played with her toys. We had dinner just me and her on the porch outside and had spaghetti and meatballs. Nice and low key but I just enjoy spending time with her. Here are some captured moments from this weekend...

The gift I made for my mom


Me and my mom on Saturday

Wearing my new dress on Mother's Day

Becca in a pretty dress

Week #2 - The Depression Cure

2011-04-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I have to say I'm not totally keeping up with the program. I did a little this week and I still am taking my vitamins, but I really don't feel anything like what I felt when I was depressed. I think I'm over it. This week I was supposed to write down times where I was sad, and it only happened twice and it wasn't even that bad. So, thank the Lord, because I think He pulled me out of it, because I don't see any other explanations. I just simply stopped feeling that way. Though I don't feel depressed, I have a long way to go, but I do see progress and that's encouraging. I no longer hate myself. I am trying to just stay positive and see the good instead of magnifying the bad. There are some big changes happening over here. Eric will be finding out his orders next week and we will know where we're moving. I'm excited for a fresh start and I am hoping and praying we will be able to buy our first house with the money we've saved. I am learning all over again to trust God with everything, because His way is better than mine. You can say that all you want, and I have, but it's completely different to actually believe it and live it as if you do. Life application.

Week #1 - The Depression Cure

2011-04-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

The first week of The Depression Cure was a great one! What a terrific start to the program. I am very optimistic and feeling positive about the whole thing. The first week focused on Nutrition. I took the suggested Omega-3 Vitamin and Ginkgo Biloba…both help with depression and increase mental focus. I also took my two iron pills for my anemia (one isn’t enough for me), as well as a one-a-day woman’s multi-vitamin and a Vitamin C too. So, all these I took once a day for a week. I felt such a difference. I was focused and I had lots of energy. I normally am tired a lot and just want to lie down; I didn’t feel this way at all. Also part of the program you have to watch your food and drink intake. So, I wrote down everything I ate and drink…I had to increase my liquids. The first day was pretty bad….I saw on paper how I actually eat. But I’m getting better. I also incorporated some personal things into the program that I wanted to get in the habit of….to read my Bible every day and spend a little more time on my appearance in the morning, so I don’t feel like a troll all day, like I usually do. Spend an extra 5-10 minutes and do my makeup…it really makes me feel good about myself and puts a little boost in my self-esteem. And reading my Bible every day realigns my focus and perspective with God’s and things seem a little easier to manage and deal with. Anyway, the results of the first week were encouraging. I was very focused, I had energy, I wasn’t tired or moping around. I even felt positive and good about myself, and didn’t feel sad or depressed at all that week, and I even got some difficult news that could've made things bad for me. But I didn’t dwell on it, just dealt with it like a grown up. I was in a good mood and was encouraged that I have the power to turn things around by taking small steps. Week #2 begins tomorrow and I still have to keep up with all the things from week #1, but this week focuses on Rumination. This means any time I start to feel negative or have depressing feelings, I write them down. Looking forward to the next week : ) Take care everyone.

Hope you had a nice Easter!

Being an Adult

2011-04-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

What exactly makes an adult anyway? It's only partially age until you reach a certain number I suppose. Is it maturity? Attitude? Responsibility? Choices? I know people older than me who seem like less of an adult,even childish; yet I know people younger than me that seem like more of an adult than me, with even more wisdom. It's during the lowest times that our true self is revealed. Our natural response surfaces with our true feelings, not just what you want other people to see. Our walls go up to protect from vulnerability, hiding what is raw within. Maybe it's putting other people before yourself. Making the right decision, even when it's hard to do and involves sacrifice on your part. Isn't it sad that many times terrible trauma that happens to children force them to grow up too soon? But what makes them more grown up then us? That they had to face adult issues way too soon? Most definitely. I am 28 years old and don't feel completely like an adult. I think there is so much expectation as an adult. Get married, have kids, possibly have a career. It's like the checklist of your life. I have compared my life with the lives of my friends around me for so long, I feel I've lost a bit of myself. My life shouldn't be like everyone else's, and it isn't, but I need to celebrate my individuality more, what makes me stand out from everyone else. Maybe I'm too much of an adult, taking care of my responsibilities and trying to be the perfect stay at home mother and wife, but I'm not having any fun along the way. The fun is supposed to be in the journey, right? I just might be too focused on getting to the end result I'm not enjoying myself. Maybe part of being an adult is finding the right balance in life, and the right perspective and attitude as well. I put more pressure on myself than anyone else. Make sure the house looks perfect, that there is always a good meal to eat, that my husband and child's needs are met. My list in life doesn't even include myself, and I am now realizing how wrong that is. I need to give myself permission to take time for myself and make sure some of my needs are met too, and I'm now realizing that isn't a selfish thing. Jesus tells us in His Word to put ourselves last and others first, and it's true....but that doesn't mean I neglect myself...that's the difference. Maybe maturity is also looking at the bigger picture in the long run. Choosing to have a positive attitude. Doing the right thing when you really don't want to do it. Maybe I'm too focused on being an adult, I feel old and boring. I want to get back to enjoying each day, not just what I need to do to get through it. Do I want my daughter to look back at her childhood and remember me as being boring and not wanting to do anything? All I do is clean and cook? That's not what I want. That's not how I want to be. Here's the funny part....I have the power to change that...I just have to choose to.

The Depression Cure

2011-04-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

I finished reading “The Depression Cure” by Stephen S. Ilardi PhD a few weeks ago, and I decided to give the program a try. It’s a 6-step program to beat depression without the use of any kind of medicine. I think my depression has gotten better. I’ve definitely come out of that dark place I was in last year. That place of hopelessness where you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and you convince yourself that every day is going to always be the same and never get any better. This state of negativity is toxic and the isolation is my poison. Every person I care about many miles away, it just made me sadder and sadder. Though I am a Christian, I shut out God, wanted nothing to do with anybody. Just wanted to be alone, yet I despised being alone. The worst war is the one within yourself, when your mind battles against your heart. I guess I never really understood what being depressed was until I experienced it. I thought it was just being sad, but it’s so much more than that. It’s actually a mental imbalance that manifests itself. So, when people you love get frustrated with you and wish you would “snap out of it”, it only makes it harder because you can’t. It’s just not that easy. Your mind takes over and you lose control. So, anyway, this book really helped. It’s nice to know you’re not alone and not the only one who feels this way. Apparently it happens to a lot of people but no one wants to talk about it. Fear of being judged maybe, or a sign of weakness. But when I experienced the depth of depression, I reached a point where I no longer cared what people thought of me being depressed. I was mad at myself though, that friends of mine have more hardships than me to handle, yet somehow I couldn’t handle my own simple life. I don’t work, I only have one child with no special needs, so why does everything seem so hard? I guess my coping skills have gone down the tubes, because it seems I can’t think as clearly as I should be able to. The control freak that I am doesn’t like to ask for help. I like to do everything myself my own way. Then I get frustrated that I can’t do it all. If I could clone myself I think I might be able to. So, reading this book and getting more information about depression is my way of the first step in looking for help. It was actually really helpful. It relies on behavioral methods and natural remedies and not medicinal ones. It is a 7 week program, applying one new focus to each week and carrying them through the whole 7 weeks. The 7 focuses are: Nutrition, Rumination, Exercise, Light, Social Support, Sleep, and the last week is Evaluation. I’ve decided to follow it, adding my own twist to it and incorporate my own things I want to work on. I incorporated reading my Bible every day as well, and making myself put makeup on every day too. I don’t do it at home, but when I do, it makes me feel better about myself and puts a small boost in my confidence that I don’t look like a troll today. So, today is Day 1 of Nutrition week. I am keeping track of my food intake and forcing myself to drink more. I normally eat twice a day and drink about 10 oz of fluid the whole day. So, I am going to eat at least three meals a day and at least a full glass of liquid at each meal to start with. Also, the program says to take Omega-3 Vitamin, one-a-day vitamin, and Vitamin C every day which I got and took as well as my iron pills that I have to take because I’m anemic. I got up at 7:30am…took Max for a walk, showered, put on makeup and read my Bible. Just enough time before Becca woke up. Hopefully I can stick to this routine. I love schedules. I need schedules. I’m also trying to eat healthier, so for breakfast I made a breakfast sandwich (English muffin, egg, cheese) with a banana and 8 oz. orange juice. I am feeling good. I am feeling positive and optimistic that it’s a good start and every little bit of a good thing is a step forward. I am working my way up from not being able to look at myself in the mirror because I hated what I saw. Just hating everything about myself and nothing I did was ever good enough. I am trying to have a better attitude and look at things more positively, and learning to accept myself. That despite my shortcomings, inside I know I’m a good person and I have potential to do good things. To be a better wife, a better mother, a better person, a better me. The me I am meant to be.

The battle with laziness

2011-03-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

I think I am a lazy person. It's the thing about me I have come to loathe. Now, I am a stay at home mom, so that in and of itself is a big job, and I handle the things that come with the job, but in my opinion, I do the bare minimum. I am my toughest critic, and I want to do more and do better. If perfection is unattainable, then there is always room for improvement. It is my own fault for being lazy. I think I base far too much on my emotions and how I feel at the time. I am lazy because I don't feel like doing things...plain and simple. I need to make the choice to take care of my responsibilities, whether I feel like it or not. I have been blessed with so much, and I need to take care of those blessings to the best of my ability...my husband, daughter, home, and even myself. I need to learn to include myself on the priority list, because if I don't take care of me, I can't take care of my family or my home unless my mind and my heart are in the right place. I need to find the proper balance. I can't spend all my time doing chores and cleaning because I neglect the most important people in my life and I end up feeling like a maid. I can't spend all my time on the people I love because the laundry piles up and the house becomes a chaotic mess. I need to put the Lord back in His rightful place at the top of my list, because He is the reason I have all these blessings. He is the ultimate navigator when I've lost my way, and man am I lost. He is whispering to me to come back to Him and I cover my ears and reply with a "later", and it has led me to unhappiness and loneliness and feelings of emptiness. Why don't I pray and read my Bible, even though I know I will be refreshed and my perspective will be re-aligned? Simple....because I don't feel like it. I need to make the choice to do the right thing, even when I don't feel like it, because the root of laziness is selfishness. It makes me feel good for this moment to sit and watch TV or read a magazine, rather than read my Bible or play with my daughter, or empty the dishwasher. Instead, I need to choose my daughter, because she will be off to school in a few years and all this free time with her will be a memory that I didn't fully utilize. I need to take care of the house, maybe put on some favorite music to make it more fun so it's not so boring. I need to force myself to get up a bit earlier in the day to pray and read to start my day off with the right focus and attitude. I need to make myself take care of my health by remembering to take necessary vitamins and eating and drinking properly to give me the energy to keep up throughout the day. It's all about choice. Choose to be lazy or choose not to be.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T07:49:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day!
Eric and I don't make a big deal about Valentine's Day. We don't get lavish gifts for each other usually or anything like that. Most of the time it's a simple card and I'll make a nice dinner for us. It is a nice reminder though that it's important to show our love towards our significant other in special ways once in a while. It doesn't have to be the pressure of Valentine's Day, but after many years of marriage and when children enter and remain in the scene, romance takes a backseat. This year I decided to step it up a little bit. I am getting myself all dolled up...nice outfit (maybe a dress), makeup, curl the hair, the whole works. He has to go to work at 4pm so when Becca takes her nap at 2pm I will make us dinner (chicken parmesan) and set the table nice with candles and romantic music. Maybe dancing in our dining room? It's not much, but it's what I am able to do right now. I'm hoping it's enough to show him what he means to me. It's all about making an effort in the little things. Wish me luck. I hope you all have a lovely Valentine's Day reminding your special someone how much they mean to you.

Instead of a card I wrote him this poem:

You keep my feet on solid ground,

You are the rock that I have found.

You see past my surface pride,

And find the real me that hides inside.

You make me laugh, can make make smile,

Please come and stay with me awhile.

Wrap your arms around me tight,

And tell me everything’s all right.

You make my frown turn upside-down,

Though I have tried, from you I cannot hide.

Your faith in me makes me believe,

I can be all that I have dreamed.

You guide me safely to that place,

That I am able to escape…

All the bad that’s in my life,

I am so proud to be your wife.

You accept me flaws and all,

Baby, of you I am in awe.

You lead me when I can’t see,

And then I start to believe…

That I can stand tall, don’t have to fall,

I can be the real me after all.

You make me whole, restore my soul,

You make me shine, so glad you’re mine.

Will you be my Valentine?

Love Always and Forever,

Alaina

A Few Hours to Myself

2011-02-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

I’ve really missed blogging and would like to find my way back into it. I took a break for a couple months from both writing and reading blogs. For some reason I just wanted to be by myself. A lot of times when I get stressed and overwhelmed I shut down and hide in my own little corner of the world. I also have this insecurity about my writing in that I feel I don’t have anything important to say. But on the other hand, am I writing for my readers or for myself? Anyway, during this time off from blogging I didn’t really want to talk to anyone or talk about anything. I wanted to escape. Truth is I really don’t have a clue what I want. Like today, Becca was being really loud and I’m always wishing for some quiet time to myself. So, Eric was home and he offered to take her into town because he had to go to a specific store. I was looking forward to a quiet couple of hours to myself. So, I packed up some stuff for him to bring with him, kissed them goodbye and closed the door. As I watched her walk away from me in her daddy’s arms with her tiny arms wrapped around his neck, a mix of emotions suddenly overcame me. The house to myself! To do whatever I wanted. Yet there was an immediate feeling of emptiness. I plopped down on our uncomfortable couch to decide what to do with my time. It took all of three minutes to miss Rebecca. Well, I’ll just use this time to catch up on my TV shows I recorded. So, I watched them but felt very unsettled and not calm. Wondering in the back of my mind if they were alright. Said a prayer that they would be safe out there and not get into an accident. Not sure why that popped into my mind. I got nothing done except free up some space on my DVR. Then I hear the faint sound of a car door shut. Could that be them? Are they home? Hooray! At last! They came through the door and I felt relieved. I swoop up my little girl and shower her with hugs and kisses. Be careful what you wish for. My time alone wasn’t what I imagined it would be. It was oddly unsettling. Maybe I like the security of the routine and mundane day I know to expect. It is safe and familiar and I am in control of all things involving my daughter. I guess I really don’t want the house all to myself. Or maybe it was just an off day. I guess I underestimate how connected I am with my daughter. She really does light up my world. Frustration and all.

Work in Progress

2011-01-23T19:10:00.000-08:00

I do miss blogging, it’s been awhile. After a rough year last year, I feel things are improving positively. Although I still have those days where I’m feeling down...but doesn’t everybody? I guess the difference is how you handle those days and how truly low those “down” days are. I think part of it is boredom, to tell you the truth. I mean, there’s always stuff to do around here…taking care of the house, Becca, errands, etc. But, nothing really exciting to look forward to. My days are pretty monotonous. I am just taking baby steps right now. Trying to focus on having a good attitude and being thankful and content about myself and my life as it is now, instead of zeroing in on all the things I dislike about myself and the things I want to change. I need to accept myself as I am, and I am working on that. I want to be the best I can be for the people who mean the most to me. And maybe a little for myself.

I am still studying to be a medical transcriptionist. It’s beginning to be more stressful as my course is quickly coming to the end. I am eager to see what this new education will bring to my life. I hope for good things. It would be nice to stay away from sales. I really don’t want to do that anymore.

Though I am training for this transcription capability, I am quietly pursuing writing on the side. It is a passion within me that is growing more and more and calling out within me to be used and explored. I love to write, but didn’t quite realize how much until recently.

So, a new year is here. One I am quite excited about in fact. There are some great events to look forward to this year. Like what, you ask? Like a new move for us…possibly our first house. Like my daughter’s 3^rd birthday and my niece’s 1^st birthday. Like my little brother turning 18 and graduating high school. And top it off with me and Eric’s 10 year wedding anniversary, just to name a few. Thinking of these special things make me smile and give me motivation to be a better me. To enjoy this year and all its milestones. To choose to be positive and see the potential of big changes. Let’s hope my darkest days are finally behind me. To learn from the memory and use those experiences to help others and to remind myself of the person I don’t want to be. Cheers to you, faithful readers of my blog. I appreciate all your kind words and support to a stranger. You are encouraging to me. My poison was loneliness and both God and friendships were the cure. Bottom line is it comes down to the choices you make and the attitude you have. Both things I can control. With Jesus as my guide, I must keep Him close; and with support of family and friends, I’m gonna be just fine.

The Darkness Has Passed

2010-12-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

I feel I can breathe again. A weight has been lifted. A lot of people have been worried about me, and for good reason. For those of you praying for me, please don't stop; I need those prayers. Be encouraged that I am doing much better, though I still have far to go. Every journey begins with a single step, right? Well, that first step for me out of the darkness, was to pray. Admissions and confessions long overdue; I simply couldn't continue on the path that I was on any longer. I was exhausted and drained in every way. I needed help. So, I reached out to the most powerful source there is; and He answered and provided immediate relief. The aches and pains and burdens are gone. My pride is extinguished and I am trying to re-focus. I've stopped demanding perfection of myself, because I can never achieve it. I'm learning to ask for help and accept that it's okay that I ask and it doesn't mean I'm being a burden for asking. I've decided to stop pretending that things are okay when they're not. I want to be real. I want to push myself to be better. I know I can do it. So, in the light of the holidays, I want to savor the moments. Cheers to a New Year. Cheers to not allowing the mistakes I've made to define who I am and what I can become. Cheers to new beginnings and challenges for growth and maturity. Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Power Struggle

2010-11-07T07:11:00.000-08:00

I feel empty and that my soul is dark. The light has gone out and it is just me. The loneliness is like a virus that has overtaken me. I am losing the battle warring within myself. Who is the enemy that I seem to be powerless against? Is it selfishness? Is it the devil? Is it sin? Why do I feel defeated? What is wrong with me? There is very little I am sure of anymore, but one thing is true…I am not living my life…I am surviving…I am existing…going through the day to day motions. Am I depressed or is my loneliness at an extremely unhealthy level? I live like a hermit. No interaction with anyone besides my 2 year old. No adult conversation. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. No challenges. No growth. No obstacles to overcome. No excitement. What a depressing life of a human being. I absolutely do not enjoy my life. Which is a shame because I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. I am sad, but also numb. If I talk about how I feel out loud, my emotions flood out of the crevices within my soul where they hide comfortably. I suppress my feelings and they build and build and one day a small pebble trips me up and causes the emotional volcano to erupt within me. I don’t think anybody really cares about what I’m going through. Most people don’t know what I’m going through so I have no expectations, it is just my wounded spirit that’s sensitive and feeling crushed and overwhelmed. I don’t want people to look down on me or feel sorry for me. I don’t think anybody can help me. My mom thinks I am a victim of circumstance. Living a military life forces us to move very far from family and friends. Doesn’t bother my husband, he makes new friends through work wherever he goes. The adjustment hasn’t been easy for me. But, it doesn’t matter. I’m not the only Navy wife who has to move away from loved ones and start over, so how come I have such a hard time adapting to new things? Why do I pull away and hide instead of being brave and facing new situations like an adult instead of a scared kid? I have a daughter who I need to teach how to live in this world and I am not willing to face the world myself. I miss feeling joy and feeling good about myself. Being the control-freak that I am, I want to fix this all myself, without any help. But I don’t know how. The funny thing is, I haven’t lost hope. I am optimistic that things will get better and that it’s possible my best days are yet to come. I just need to hold on to that hope. Hold it close to me as my source of light when I am walking around in a state of dark fog. Where is my faith in God through all this? I know He is still there and always will be. He is distant and has remained that way for years because of me. I continue to be in a power struggle in wanting full control of my life. Convincing myself that I don’t need Him to have an active role in my life. He is my Heavenly Father and I know He’ll always be there when I need Him, but I want to do everything myself. Maybe I just want to be taken care of but I don’t want to ask to be. I’m so confused and I feel lost. I’ve gotten down on my knees before Him because I know it’s what I need to do, but then I can’t find anything to say or I say what I need to say but don’t really feel it. Nothing makes any sense.

The Ugly Truth

2010-11-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

I’m 28 years old and when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t see a person who has come a long way, I see someone who has fallen off the path. Someone lost and alone, isolated and insecure. I feel the me people see on the outside in no way reflects the me I know is on the inside. They wouldn’t like her, wouldn’t want to be around her, have nothing to learn from her or gain anything from knowing her. How insecure and tarnished is that? What a pity party I’ve made for myself. Could I be any more immature? Have I always been this way? Am I being too hard on myself? I so badly wish I had someone to talk to to drown out the voices in my head that ring “you’re a pathetic loser.” I have become negative and pessimistic. I can’t even stand to be around me, I don’t know why anyone else would want to. I question everything about myself…my intelligence, my abilities, my personality, my talents (or lack thereof), my roles in life (as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend), etc. I feel I am inadequate and not good enough. Do I have the power within myself to change my life for the better? Am I strong enough to make the choices to change? And change what exactly? On the outside, my life is wonderful, so why am I so unhappy? Why not choose to be happy? Sadness has become a complacency. It’s much harder and takes more work to be happy and force yourself to be positive and see the good. I’m not sure I have the energy. I’ve gotten used to the sadness, even though it is destructive and a toxin to my soul. It is much more powerful than I thought it could be. The sadness is familiar and if I did something different, what would happen? What is this obsessive need for me to control everything? Maybe I feel a loss of control in life. That is something the Navy takes away from your life I suppose. Why can’t I be more like my husband? Just adapt to new situations and go with the flow. He is successful in just about everything he does in life. I wish I was more like him in that way. What in the world does he see in me? I’m sure he doesn’t want to introduce this insecure, helpless, fragile person as his wife. I don’t want to embarrass him. I want to be strong; someone he wouldn’t look down on, but be proud of and see as his equal. He is light-years ahead of me and I am just another person in the house to take care of. I don’t want to be an unhappy person. That’s not a way to live life. I want to enjoy my life. What’s it gonna take? How do I feel okay pouring out such vulnerable feelings to all of you, many of whom know me personally? Do I fear judgment? A little. I do care what other people think and I want to be liked. But now….I’m not sure I know anyone whose judgment would be more painful than my own judgment of myself. You know that saying “you’re your own worst enemy”? I definitely am living that statement.

Becca Updates

2010-10-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

First thing first...all Becca's tests came back negative. They checked for kidney and thyroid problems as well as ruling out Celiac's disease to eliminate any of these as factors to her lack of gaining weight. So, that was a huge relief to be told nothing was seriously wrong with her. I am doing my part in what I can to help feed her the right things to help her gain weight. I've been doing research as well as seeking advice from friends and family. A few suggestions that are working....she has pediasure every night before bed; she has two daily vitamins every morning with her breakfast; I've been sneaking in baby food fruits and vegetable purees into her pancakes, pasta sauces, muffins, etc. and I try to put peanut butter on as much stuff as I can ;) It has been very stressful for me because I am concerned for her health and nobody seems to think it's a very big deal. I happen to think it's a very big deal. But, it's true I can be over-dramatic and for some reason everything in life is made out to be this huge ordeal for me. I wish some things could be simpler, although I don't know why I complicate everything.
Anyway, moving on....Wednesday was Becca's first day of daycare. We toured three different daycare facilities and decided on the one we felt the most comfortable with. So, Eric came with me for the first day. We were all nervous, although I don't think Becca realized what was happening. We had been there a few times already so she knew some people and the center fairly well. Still, she's never been away from people that she knows before so it is a huge adjustment for her. She did cry for a few minutes after we left and then she was okay. I told Eric I needed a lot of distractions while she was there. So, he gave me the ultimate distraction...He gave me money to go shopping for new clothes! The perfect remedy! We picked her up a few hours later and got a full report from her teacher. She pretty much kept to herself most of the day, cried a few times off and on, but she had a lot of fun outside on the playground. When she saw us she ran to me in tears hugging me so tight and that's when my emotions started to swell. I held it together all morning with a knot in my stomach for the time that I was dwelling on it. Trusting the most important part of my life with a stranger that I barely know is not an easy thing at all. And when I pick her up and the sound and sight of my little girl in tears of sadness just makes my heart ache. I cried the way home. I need to continue to remind myself over and over that this is best for her. And I know it is. She just needs some time to adjust to this new change in her life. I don't like change. I usually don't take to it well. My instinct as a mother is to sweep her up and tell her she never has to go again and it will be just me and her and daddy. But that's putting my wants ahead of hers. I guess I just didn't expect my first experience of letting her go to be this early. She's only two years old. Still a little baby in my eyes in a lot of ways. I just want her to be healthy and happy. I don't want to fail her by not exposing her to opportunities or putting her in the wrong environment. I also don't want to cripple her by doing everything for her where she depends on me for everything and can't do anything for herself.

Catch Up

2010-09-16T06:14:00.000-07:00

Lots going on over in my household, mostly with me. I toured two different daycare/preschools for Becca. I have narrowed down four in the area that I am interested in. The two that I toured...one I really liked a lot and would be comfortable taking her. She actually played around the kids and seemed okay. The people were very friendly and were talking with her. They have a very structured curriculum that incorporates learning and group activities. Everything I want for my Becca. The other place I toured I didn't like at all. It made me uncomfortable just being there because I felt the workers didn't really want to be there either. So, that's a definite no. I emailed two other places and haven't heard from either one, so I will call them on the phone and see if that works better.
I began making my Christmas cards last week. I have 80 to do and I bought all my paper and ribbon I needed...I already have my stamps I'm going to use. So, that's fun :)
I am getting back into God's Word after a concerned friend help give me a reality check. I am thankful for that friend. God always uses her specifically to help re-align my focus where it needs to be. She is the one friend that I count on to tell me what I need to hear when I don't want to hear it. The bare-bones honest truth. Sometimes you just get stuck on the conveyer belt of life, just coasting, not really going up or down or doing anything meaningful...that's where I was. Just going about my way, doing what I want the way I want it. Nothing harmful, but I was miserable and unhappy. I need to be filled with the spirit and be soaked with God's Word and not allow the ways of the world to cloud judgment and get caught up in materialism and greed and being self-absorbed. But I want to be used by God, so through Him my life will have a higher purpose, be used for good. To look outside my own problems and reach out to others in this world. Use my strengths, instead of dwelling on all my weaknesses. Choosing to have joy and be content with my many blessings instead of throwing myself a pity-party about all the things I'm not happy about and wish were different. I need to focus on the things I can change and make those things better. There is distance in my relationship with God and it is my own fault. He is always there, I put that distance there between us. And it is up to me to put my pride, and ego and self-centeredness aside and acknowledge that I don't know what's best for me and release the controlling hold I have on my own life which is headed for internal destruction. See, you can appear to have it all together on the outside but be broken on the inside. It's called living a lie, and there is a lot of it going on in the world. Very few people have it all together, they are just too afraid to be vulnerable and reach out and be honest about it. Wow, I am getting carried away here, airing it all out at once. It's just a jumbled mess of thoughts with no clarity. I am trying to make some sense in my head and it started by finally beginning to get things right with God. Putting him back in the drivers seat instead of in the trunk. I've been too lazy and stubborn to do the right thing for my life. Wanting to do things my way, without God, and I feel that way leads to a dead-end with a meaningless existence. It is a daily decision to live a spirit-filled life, and it is hard to do the right thing when the wrong thing is so much easier and more comfortable. But it doesn't bring lasting peace or joy. It is just for a moment and then it fades. Things we all have heard a hundred times, but you have to first experience it a hundred times sometimes before it feels true. I am raising a daughter. She is my motivation for everything. I am her example for how to live and what am I teaching her by watching me? So, that is something personal I am going through right now.
Also some not-so-good news about my daughter. She had her two year doctor appointment on monday and it wasn't great. We learned that in one year she has only gained two pounds. She is in the 1% for kids her age. Not good. She is a very fussy eater and she has an over-abundance of energy. I kept track of everything she put in her mouth for a week and wrote it all down for the doctor to see and she said I am doing everything right. But how can that be? So, they drew blood from her and are going to check her kidneys, her thyroid, check for Celiac disease and also check if her metabolism is high. If all that comes back negative, they will check her heart with an echocardiogram. I am very concerned about her and I try everything I can on my part...I give her pediasure, I give her breads and muffins and hide fruits and veggies in them, I give her pastas made with veggies, I give her yogurt and things with peanut butter. If any of you would be so kind, please mention a little prayer for my little Rebecca that we can find a solution. I just want her to be healthy. We should get test results in a week by phone. Thanks for listening. It's nice to have a support system anywhere you can find it. And when you are in the military and move away from family and friends, it is very lonely. I'm glad I've found some virtual friends :)

A Tough Decision

2010-09-10T05:01:00.000-07:00

Hello out there,
I have been out of the loop, I know. There is so much going on, it's like a daily whirlwind that is leaving me exhausted at the end of each night. What's so exhausting? Life. hahaha. I really don't have it that hard, I just don't think I'm very tough. So, my latest news is wrestling with a decision I am having to make regarding my daughter, and it is not an easy one. I have decided to put her into daycare part time. Just looking at those words and the thought of handing her over to people I don't know is like gut-wrenching. It's like being punched in the stomach. I am a stay at home mother and I chose to be that so I wouldn't have to make this decision. So why am I? Because I need to put my daughter's needs first. She is restless, un-focused, and needs socialization and interaction with other kids her own age. She is afraid of every adult besides her parents and her grandmother. For the past year she has been behind on her social skills and some developmental areas because of it. I truly think this is the right thing for her. I try my best to take her to the playground, and walks, and do activities with her, but she is still restless. She needs structure and things that will challenge her to grow. It has been so emotional wrestling with this decision. My husband and both of our parents have thought this was the best thing for her as well as her doctor for some time now, I just wasn't ready for my first experience of "letting go" to be this early. Now, we are only looking at part-time so it would only be like 2 days a week. I would still have her home most of the time, but somehow it doesn't help the way I feel. It's all part of the parenting process I suppose. I did throw myself a pity party. Accusing myself of not being enough for her, not doing a good enough job as her mother to provide all of her needs. I just want her to have the best there is and I want her to be healthy and happy. The idea of bringing her to a strange place with people we don't know....I don't want to frighten her or for her to think I won't be coming back. But at the same time, she is so dependent on me it is bordering on an unhealthy level, and it's important for her to learn to do some things on her own. But still, she's only two. May be officially a toddler, but to me, she is my precious baby girl. My joy. My angel. The light that brightens up the room when she smiles. So, today I have an appointment to tour a daycare center. I found four that I approved of based on online reviews and researching their websites. It would be so kind if any of you could mention me in your prayers just once if you remember. Please pray for wisdom to make the right decision for my daughter and to find a place that is trustworthy and will meet her needs and best interests. Thanks for listening :)

Book Review: Writing Down the Bones

2010-09-06T18:47:00.000-07:00

This was an amazing book! It is a must read for anyone who writes. It totally captured my passion for writing, as if the author took a microscope to my thoughts on writing and put it into this book. It was very helpful and useful for improving your own writing including tips on how to write to your audience and how to "practice" writing. I never even knew there was such a thing, well I do now. The author speaks very candidly and it is well-written and very inviting to read. It made me want to write even more than I did before I started reading. I definitely recommend this book :)

Re-Enlistment

2010-08-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

My handsome husband has been in the Navy now for 10 years. I still can't believe it whether I say it, hear it or read it. I've been by his side supporting him the whole time. I fully support this decision to re-enlist and continue on the military journey. I know he wants to make this his career. He excels in what he does and I know he enjoys the majority of it. It comes with a price, involving much sacrifice in our lives, but it works for us. We've made it this far and have learned how to adapt. It's not easy, but there are tremendous benefits and the Navy provides a pretty decent life. I am so proud of him and have a great deal of admiration and respect as he continues without complaint. It was very moving to watch him re-take his oath during his re-enlistment ceremony. He takes his job very seriously and understands the greater meaning behind this role.

At the end of the ceremony, Becca and I were called up to be given an honorary certificate acknowledging our support. That was a nice gesture that was completely unexpected. Because we spouses do our part too.

Eric's parents came down for the ceremony. They've gone to every one of them. They are very proud of their son and support him 100%.

My mom also came down for the ceremony. She's never been to one and was so glad she came. She is also very supportive and proud :)

As you can see, we took the opportunity for some family photo shots. We don't have many with him in his uniform.

Me and my sailor man :) I'm so proud of him. We have a good life together :)

Becca wasn't really in a picture-taking kind of mood, but that's okay. She was there. And she looked beautiful :)

Book Review: What's Right With Me

2010-08-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading this book last week. Somewhere in the past couple years my self-esteem has plummeted into the ground and feelings of not being good enough have taken over. So, I saw this book and decided to give it a try to help me focus on my strengths. This book is a great way to do that and it asks you hard questions and forces you to look deep within yourself to find the answers. It is also part journal, so you can physically write down your answers and look back on them. Sometimes when you see how you really feel about something written in front of you on paper, it makes it more real. The questions force you to give yourself credit for things you may not feel are credit-worthy, and that is really important. I think many of us do that...we focus on the things that need work and overlook the hurdles we overcame and the strength it took to jump over those hurdles. After reading this book I do feel a lot better about myself. I realize some of my strengths and I choose to focus on the things that I do well. Maybe those strengths I can incorporate into my weaknesses for some balance. I also unlocked a secret dream of mine. We all have one....one that would come true if all the stars were aligned in the sky....in a perfect world....the one we think will never come true...but, hey, I can dream right? That secret dream is to become a writer. I've always loved reading and writing, but I didn't realize just how much I love it. So, I think I may look into strengthening this passion and putting a little more time into the things that I truly love and am good at. This was a good book. It accomplished it's purpose and forced me to be the center of attention for a time. :)

I'm an Auntie!!

2010-08-24T06:20:00.000-07:00

My niece: Julia Kathryn Corrado Maier

8/15/10 --- 8:59 pm

8 Ib. 2 oz. 20 inches long

Hello to all my beautiful readers. Thank you for continuing to check back on my blog after such a long time away. It's been a very busy couple of weeks. Definitely not the norm for our family to be gone such a long time. We were standing by our phone waiting for the call that our niece was born, and the call never happened. My SIL's (sister-in-law's) due date came and went. So, her and my BIL (brother-in-law) invited our family up that week, hoping something would happen while we were there. So, we left the day of her due date (8/9/10....that would've been a cool birthday ;) and drove up to Connecticut. Friends of theirs went out of town and offered us their house to stay in right down the road from them, so that was real nice that we didn't have to invade their space. We had a nice time with them. We stayed there a week and nothing was happening. Finally, 5 days later, the contractions began slowly and began the labor process. Family drove down and we all waited in the waiting room. The more exciting part of waiting was the fact that they didn't know if it was a boy or girl, they wanted to be surprised and they didn't tell us the names they decided on, they wanted that to be a surprise too. Finally, my BIL Jason walked through the doors and announced...."It's A Girl!!" Tears were flowing from all of us. What a wonderful moment. I am so glad we were there to be a part of it. Mom and baby did very well and are healthy. When I held little Julia it was just amazing. That overwhelming love that flowed over me for her...this beautiful, innocent child that was born from two people that I love so much. I was so happy :) We stayed there a couple extra days so we could welcome them home and see they were settled. All in all, we were there 9 days. It's good to be back home. Although we weren't alone quite yet. Our parents came back with us for Eric's re-enlistment....more on that in my next post :)

Waiting.....

2010-08-08T04:36:00.000-07:00

I thoroughly cleaned the house, packed all our bags and they are in the car ready to go. Now, we just wait for the phone call. My SIL (sister-in-law) is due to have her baby any day now. Her official due date is actually tomorrow. She lives in Connecticut and we are waiting for the phone call that she is in labor to drive down and spend time with them and their new baby. It's about an 8 hour drive, so we want to leave as soon as possible, hoping not to miss the arrival. I am SO excited! Becca will have her first cousin only two years younger than her. I'm glad they will be close in age. I am really close to my first cousins. They are like siblings to me. There are so many surprises in store....we don't know if it's a boy or girl, and we don't know the name. So, lots to look forward to. :) Cameras and videocameras are charged....woo-hoo! They are going to be great parents. I'm so excited for them and for me.....gonna be an Auntie! :)

Do you take risks or play it safe?

2010-08-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell

I came across this quote in a book I'm reading, and it made me pause and think for a moment. When I was young I kind of mapped out how my life was going to end up. Not thinking of details, but I figured I'd get married and have kids and live a happy life. I mean, that's what happily ever after is all about, right? So, I finally got my prince charming and my beautiful daughter...does that mean this is it? My whole life has reached its end result at age 28? Do I spend the rest of my life just coasting through life? I am a very shy person and tend to keep to myself. But, looking back, some of the most wonderful and memorable moments in my life were brought on by challenging myself and stepping outside of my comfort zone. I tend to be a homebody and I stick to my comfortable circle of friends. This is playing it safe. Never trying anything new or going somewhere new. I make up excuses. I stay with what's familiar to me; what I know. But, there's a flip side to this. What am I missing out on? A new friendship...a new favorite restaurant...a new hobby...a new memory or experience? I feel I've gotten into a rut and have gotten too comfortable in this rut. I want to be able to step outside of my familiar and take a risk here or there. How do you guys feel about this? Do you still take risks and challenge yourself or you stuck in your routine as well? I know marriage and parenting bring new responsibilities to our lives, but that doesn't mean it has to be it right? I've decided it's not the end for me. There is more to me that just wife and mother and I'm exploring what that might be. I have interests and dreams that have been pushed aside and I'm ready to re-discover them. But, sometimes I wonder....how come being a wife and mother isn't enough for me? Many women dream of being a stay at home mom....not have to work...for their husbands to make enough where they can be home every day with their kids. And I do love that luxury....being there for every moment of my daughter's beginning years...never missing a thing. But I do miss working, and being a contributor to society. Interacting with the outside world and giving back in some small way. I feel I am isolated and cut off in many way and that can be very lonely. I just wondered what you guys thought about this. Leave me your opinion :)

Catch Up

2010-08-02T04:48:00.000-07:00

No big exciting news going on over here to talk about, so I thought I would catch you up on some small random things...
STAR WARS
My husband has always been shocked that I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies, so a few weeks ago, there was a marathon of all 6 movies on the Spike Channel so we DVR'd them. It took a while to find the time here and there, but I finally watched them all. At first, I thought it was going to be pretty boring and uninteresting, but I really ended up liking them a lot. There are so many references to Star Wars in movies and tv shows, it was nice to finally know what everyone's talking about :)
BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING
One of my favorite kinds of shopping is back to school shopping. I have no idea what you must be thinking, this is probably boring and dreadful to most people. Especially since I have never had any children in school, nor do I now. This shopping is for me, oddly enough :) I always do a big shopping trip this time of year and stock up on needed and sometimes unneeded supplies :) I get notebooks, pens, dividers, index cards, folders, binders, and whatever else I need. I've always loved office supplies, isn't that bizarre!? I even like to just walk through office stores as if it were a small Disneyland :) I always wanted to work in some kind of office, even if it was my own home office. I love paperwork and tedious office work. So, anyway, I went this weekend and stocked up. Then yesterday I was completely deflated when I read the newspaper only to learn that next weekend is the weekend with no tax....why couldn't I have waited a week! Oh well, it was still a lot of fun!
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Some of you know that I am currently in an online program to be a medical transcriptionist. It's funny, I never took any interest in the medical field, it was kind of a leap. However, the more I'm learning through this program, the more I like it and I can't get enough learning! I am just now beginning the dreaded terminology part of the program. I was not looking forward to memorizing long, boring words that no one seems to understand. But, as I started to get into it, it became incredibly fascinating to me how these words are formed and the meanings behind them. It's like a foreign language that I am picking up fairly well. Half the battle is actually enjoying what you're learning and I am definitely there :)
7 NEW RECIPES IN 7 DAYS
I have a confession to make...I hate cooking in the summer. When it's 100 degrees out, the last place I want to be is in front of a hot stove or oven. So, I tend to slack in the cooking department this time of year. My husband has been on my case about missing my cooking. I just love to cook any other time of year though, it's not something I usually avoid. So, anyway, I was missing cooking too. So, I flipped through some Wegmans Menu magazines and Food Network Magazines and picked out 7 new recipes for 7 days. I truly love to cook and try new things. And every time I make a new recipe I have my husband rate it on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being amazing). Anything that he rates below an 8, I never make again. Fortunately this has happened less than 10 times in our 8 1/2 years of marriage. Anyway, these are the seven new recipes I made......
1. margarita pizza on Naan flatbread; 2. strip steaks w/ caramelized onions and portobello mushrooms, 3. grilled chicken fajitas, 4. shrimp scampi over linguini in a lemon/garlic sauce, 5. prosciutto, mozzarella and roasted red peppers panini on ciabotta bread, 6. stir-fry with garlic stir-fry sauce and veggies, 7. homemade mac and cheese
*the mac and cheese was the only unsuccessful dish, all the rest I will make again :)
A NASTY FALL
I took a nasty fall a few days ago while walking Max, our dog. He pulled me too hard and I struggled to hold onto the leash. I couldn't keep up with him and I fell down and slid across the sidewalk. Fortunately it happened right outside my house and it didn't do much damage at all. It only took off a few layers of my skin where the bottom of my leg and top of my foot meet. Eric was there to disinfect it with peroxide and put gauze on it. It hurt and stung for days, but I'm better now. I must say, I am a huge baby when it comes to being hurt or sick. My entire body shuts down leaving me completely useless. I think I have a very weak immune system. Fortunately, I don't get sick very often, but when I do, it lasts for a long time.
So, that is to catch you up. Hope you are well :)

Eat. Pray. Love

2010-07-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading this incredible book. I was not expecting it, but it turned into being one of the best books I've ever read. Definitely in my top 10 favorites. Don't you just love it when you connect with an author or story or character on a deeper, more personal level? That's what this book did for me. I really could relate to this woman as I accompanied her in my mind on her incredible journey. I found myself glued to her story and captivated, eagerly anticipating what I would find in the following chapter. This woman set out on a journey of self-discovery seeking peace, balance and healing for herself and I find myself longing for the first two desperately. With no plan, she heads to Italy, India and then Bali on her personal quest. I so admire this adventurous spirit of hers with much respect in throwing caution to the wind and challenging herself and taking a risk for the sake of peace and happiness in her life. I mean, although I find the idea tremendously exciting, I am a plan-every-move-I-make kind of person and would be overwhelmed with worry of the unknown too much to enjoy and appreciate such a unique opportunity. As I read her story, I learned about the culture and history of each place she went. She pursued her passions and mastered them as best she could. I secretly desire a self-discovery voyage of my own. A personal quest. Some days I feel I am just living my life going through the motions that I'm programmed to do as a housewife and mother. That somewhere deep inside is a part of me I know nothing about because it has not been explored or developed. We, as humans, are the most complex beings that I would think take a lifetime to figure out our complete depth. There are times I feel incomplete, like something is missing from my life. There is more to me than this I just know it. It's funny, ever since I accepted Jesus Christ into my life I always thought I had a greater purpose. God was going to use me to do something great. I always wanted to make a difference, even in some sort of small way. To help someone, to show someone kindness or compassion in a unique way. I have found myself recently praying for God to reveal His path for me and I am excited to say I am starting to narrow it down. I am getting closer. I have a lot of myself to give and I want to do that. Anyway, reading this book made me look within myself. I would definitely recommend it, this is a great read. :)

NY Trip - Day 8 - Driving Home (last day of trip)

2010-07-26T03:49:00.000-07:00

Time to go home. I'm ready. I miss Eric and I actually miss my boring old mundane daily routine. It is familiar and comforting. But I had a great trip and staying a few extra days was definitely worth it.
I got up early and packed the car up. Went out to breakfast with Larry (my mom's boyfriend), my mom and my brother Joey before I had to get on the road. The route I took to get home was awesome! Simple and easy to follow. I didn't get lost and made decent time. Although Rebecca was a handful to say the least. She was a gem the first three hours, but that was it. After that, she had decided she was fed up with sitting in the carseat for so long and just had a complete meltdown for two hours straight-screaming and crying. This of course made it very difficult to focus on driving. I even pulled over and took her out of the car seat and held her but it did no good, she continued to meltdown. I was getting very overwhelmed and then I, myself, had a small meltdown of my own. I sat next to her and just cried. I put her back in the car seat and continued to drive, not long after that she fell asleep...finally. We arrived home a little after dinner time. I was so happy to see Eric. He helped me unpack. I could've kissed the floor I was so glad to be home. :)

NY Trip - Day 7 - Good Friends

2010-07-25T07:35:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to leave this morning to go back home, but there were a few more people I really wanted to see while I was here but didn't have enough time, so I decided to stay one more day, and I'm so glad I did. I talked it over with Eric beforehand, of course, and he was fine with it. My close friend, Erin, and her daughter came over for lunch to visit. Her daughter is 6 months older than Becca. We had a great time together. Later on after my friends left, my mom watched Becca while I had a girl's night out with my best friend from high school, Vanessa. It was one of the best times I've had all year. It was nice for both of us to get away and have time to ourselves minus kids and husbands :) We have a very special friendship, in that, I probably only see her once a year, but when we do finally get together, it's as if we've been hanging out every day since high school. It's so comfortable and natural. It's wonderful spending time with her. It's a friendship I always wanted and hoped for. I just wish we lived closer so we could do these times of things more often. We went to dinner and then we got starbucks and walked along the canal and just talked. It was so relaxing and peaceful and we just enjoyed the moment and weren't worried about our kids or housework or anything else but the here and now :)
I came home in time to put Becca down for bed and then I did some packing before going to bed myself :)

NY Trip - Day 6 - Family Time

2010-07-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

This morning Becca and I visited my best friend, Christy, and her kids. They are family to us and we try to make time for them every time we come to New York. It's always great to see them. They have three young girls, who I call my nieces. Christy's sister, who I am also good friends with, Traci, also came over with her two young kids. Unfortunately I don't get many opportunities to see her, so I called her and asked her to come over for a visit. It was great to see them as well :) We had lunch together and then Traci had to go home with her kids and soon after that, all the kids were down for a nap at the same time. It was nice because it gave Christy and I some one-on-one alone time. We had a great talk. She's like a sister to me. After the kids woke up we let them play a bit longer then me and Becca had to leave. We went back to my mom's house where my stepsister and my two nephews were waiting to see us. We don't get to see them much either. Kids change so much so fast. It makes me sad that I am missing out on so much of their lives :( Anyway, we had a nice quick visit and then me, Becca, mom, Larry (my mom's boyfriend) and my brother Joey took off to my Aunt's house for a big family gathering. About 1/4 of our extended family was there. They met Larry for the first time and I think he fit in quite nicely. I found out later that everyone approves :) It was nice to visit with family I don't normally get to see and have Becca warm up to them. We were there way past Becca's bedtime so she went right to sleep when we got back to my mom's house. :) It did make me miss Eric though, having everyone ask where he was and then seemed disappointed that they didn't get a chance to visit with him because he left so early. It's really hard traveling without Eric and having to do everything myself. It can be done, but it's much more exhausting and not as easygoing.

NY Trip - Day 5 - Visiting Friends

2010-07-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

This morning my mom made us a delicious breakfast...eggs, sausage, toast. There is something comforting being back in my mom's house with her cooking. When Becca woke up, me, my mom and Becca went in the pool again. It's been beautiful weather here. I was on the phone all morning making plans for the remainder of my visits, filling as much time as I could with friends and family. After lunch I put Becca down for her nap and my cousin came over shortly after. It was nice to visit with her and catch up. You know, when you live far away from the people who mean the most to you, you make the best of it. You talk on the phone, you send emails, maybe even an occasional letter. But nothing can come close to sitting with them face to face in person. There's nothing like it. We had a lovely chat and it meant a lot that she made the time to visit with me. Becca woke up and my cousin left. Becca and I had plans to have dinner with some high school friends of mine that I am still very close to. They had moved since I last visited, so it was nice to see their new place and for Becca to get to know their two young kids. We stayed late and we left right at Becca's bedtime. We headed home to my mom's and went right to sleep.

NY Trip - Day 4 - Relax and Leisure

2010-07-22T05:01:00.000-07:00

Today was a much-needed relaxation day. We all slept in this morning, which was really nice. I got some great sleep finally. Eric left early this morning to head back home because he had a class to teach later tonight. He didn't complain though; he never does. Becca and I and my mom went in the pool this morning. It was so nice and peaceful and quiet and just beautiful out. My mom's boyfriend, Larry, came out and sat by the pool with us and chatted. He's really nice, and easy to talk to. We went inside for lunch and then Becca took her nap. Larry and I watched the finals of the soccer world cup. What an intense game that was. Later on around dinner time my friend Shannon came over after work to visit. We had dinner together....my mom's homemade sauce and meatballs....yummy! Then my brother joined us and we all went to the nearby canal so Becca could feed the ducks. She loved it! It was a real nice time. Then we came back and put Becca to bed at my mom's and all of us watched the movie The Proposal, which I've never seen. It was a cute movie :) Then it was bedtime. So nice to have a relaxing, low-key day :)

NY Trip - Day 3 - Becca's Party

2010-07-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day. It turned out like I had hoped it would. Eric arrived at my mom's at about 6am after driving 8 hours straight. He went straight to bed to get some sleep before the party. Becca and I headed over to my MIL's (mother-in-law's) house to start setting up. My mom came over at 11am to watch Becca so my MIL and I could run some errands. We picked up the balloons at Party City...there were 3 Dora balloons, 2 pink star balloons, and 4 different colored latex balloons with the number 2 on them. Then we went to Wegmans to pick up the cake...chocolate and vanilla with custard filling with a picture of Dora and Boots on the top with multi-colored flowers. They did a beautiful job, as usual :) We got back to the house and Eric had arrived and then soon left with my FIL (father-in-law) to get the tables, chairs and tent we were borrowing from family members. Becca went down for her nap at 1pm and we began to set up. We put up the balloons, streamers and banners. We had 2 canopies with toys and games for the kids to play with...bat and balls, coloring books, dolls, bubbles, etc. Since Dora is Spanish, we did a Dora the Explorer fiesta theme. So there was chips and salsa on all the tables as well as animal crackers for little ones. We also had jello and a big fresh fruit platter. My cousin had to work during the party so she came early to help set up and see us. And my friend Shannon came early after work to help as well. I was grateful for their help. Becca woke up from her nap at 4:30pm and the party was set to start at 5pm. We had a lot of people turn up. I was so glad.

Me and Eric

Becca and her Nana (my mom)

We had a taco bar for dinner and hot dogs for the kids who didn't want tacos.

Becca and Daddy

After dinner, we opened presents.

Becca got lots of great gifts...most of them Dora-themed, which she loved.

After presents we had cake.

People started to head home after cake. There were several small kids who needed to go to bed. My mom showed up with her new boyfriend from Florida. She just picked him up from the airport. We all met him for the first time. I was very appreciative to the fact that he went through so much trouble to get there for the party. I didn't get a chance to talk to him much because I was busy cleaning up after the party, but so far so good :) Eric packed up the truck to take home all the presents which wouldn't fit into my car. He had to head home early tomorrow morning to get back to work. But I'm glad he was there for the party, even though it was inconvenient with his work schedule. He always makes time for our daughter. It was a great party and I am thankful for everyone who played a part in it :)

NY Trip - Day 2 - Preparations for the party

2010-07-20T06:08:00.000-07:00

Terrible day yesterday, followed by a terrible night of non-sleep. Went to bed at 11:30pm and didn't sleep well at all. The room I'm staying in has hardwood floors so I kept hearing Max's nails tapping the floor and his chain collar against the floor every time he laid down. (Why I didn't just take the collar off of him is beyond me). But Max slept the entire 13 hour drive in the car, which is why he was awake all night walking around the room, sniffing all the new smells. Then I heard his tongue lapping while he gave himself a bath...very distracting. Becca was up at 5am. I brought her into bed with me and when she started nodding off I put her back in the pack n' play and I left the room so she could get some more sleep. Later that morning Becca and I went to my MIL's (mother-in-law's) house to get ready for tomorrow's party. We chopped onions and tomatoes and, for the most part, visited and talked about plans for tomorrow. Becca and I went back to my mom's for dinner and later that night my aunt and uncle came over to visit. They were unable to come to the party tomorrow so they came tonight to see us. It was a real nice visit and I was happy they made time for us. Every time I come to NY I always go to bed much later. My mom's a night owl. I'm used to going to bed around 10pm at home, but when visiting in NY it's usually closer to midnight. That's okay though, I try to visit and spend time with family as much as possible. That's what vacations are all about right?

NY Trip - Day 1 - A Long Drive

2010-07-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, time to rewind and finally tell you about my trip. I will spend the next week filling you in on each day of my trip...so today we begin at Day 1. Are you wondering how I did my first time traveling with Max and Becca minus Eric? I would give myself a big, fat F. I failed miserably. The trip started out as one of the worst traveling days in my life. Failure #1- I had to leave late because I didn't know how to put air in my tires so I waited for Eric to come home to do it. Failure #2- Eric gave me the easiest route that I couldn't even follow. I left at 7am and 10:30am I realized I was 45 minutes from my house in the opposite direction I started from. Now, imagine one of the worst places to be lost...well I was in the equivalent of wherever you're thinking. I was shaking and nervous and immediately realized I just added 3 1/2 hours to an 8 hour trip. I called Eric in tears who rescued me with a new route and I made it out of there. I stopped for lunch, which took an hour. We sat outside in close to 100 degree weather because I was afraid to leave the dog in the car if we went inside. Fed and walked Max. Becca is beet red and not drinking or eating well, which leads me to think I am not taking care of her well. Failure #3- My poor daughter had to sit confined in her car seat for 5 extra hours because of my mistake. I took a wrong turn which tacked on a lot of extra time. Not to mention all the construction the whole way which took me on two detours, which added even more time. Failure #4- I asked for a simple route, knowing it would take longer, with an energetic two year old. I should've known better and just took the quickest route. This back-road route put me on 40mph roads behind slow trucks and lots of lights...not helping the situation. I cried several times in the car all the while feeling as if steam was coming out of my ears I was so mad at myself for putting us in this situation. Finally I got to my mom's house. It took me 13 hours which normally only takes 8. I was exhausted, but why? All I did was sit in a car all day. But the emotional and mental bruises from beating myself up in my head took its toll. My mom took Becca in her pool and entertained her while I unpacked. My energy was depleted. I was so weak and felt my legs and feet were as heavy as rocks. I had been up since 5am and didn't have nearly enough to eat and drink...I was so concerned about Becca and Max and taking care of them I forgot about myself. My cousin surprised me by stopping over after work. It was so great to see her and visit with her. Definitely the best part of my day. We watched the movie Grease together and just chatted. It meant so much to me that she took the time to come see me. Every time I come into town she tries to see me as much as possible....unlike some people...anyway...I was so glad to get to bed so I can end this stressful day and begin a fresh new one.

Happy Birthday Becca

2010-07-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

My beautiful baby girl turns 2 years old today. She has graduated to toddler hood, but she's still my baby, I don't care what anybody says. I can't imagine my life without her. She brings so much joy to my life and she just lights up my little corner of the world. I never thought I would be so lucky to have a daughter. I always assumed I would have kids when I got older, but when I married a man who has all boys in his family, I assumed I would only have boys as well. But, in my heart I always wanted a girl. The day we found out she was a girl we were stunned. There was silence in the room for a few minutes and it continued for a short period of time because we were so surprised. But that surprise turned into excitement after the shock wore off. It's been fun dressing her in frilly, girly clothes and brushing her curly blond hair. Her sparkling blue eyes are captivating, her nose is as cute as a button, and her smile warms the chilliest day. Though entering toddler hood is challenging and stressful at times, it is also a fun, new experience. She is becoming more interactive and talking with more words; and it thrills me as she learns the basics....her ABC's, animal names and sounds, counting numbers, etc. She is playful and energetic, yet sensitive and loving. She is a perfect blend of my husband and I. Being a mother is the most rewarding job, even though it is tough. In the end, she is worth it. She makes me want to be the best mother I can be. She has changed my life and I look forward to the next year and all the wonderful things it will bring. Happy Birthday Rebecca, My Angel. Mommy loves you.

I'm Back

2010-07-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful time in New York, but it is so good to be back home. I'm glad to get back into my boring daily routine. There is something comforting about it. I am very busy these days. Becca's birthday is tomorrow so hopefully today we will be buying her birthday presents and doing some last minute running around. I will still fill you in on my NY trip when I can find the time. Things are always crazy the first couple days home from a long trip. So, please be patient with me my wonderful followers. I missed you all and missed reading your blogs while I was away, so I am eager to see how you all have been. I will fill you in soon; there is much to tell :) Have a great weekend everyone and thanks for sending lovely wishes my way while I was gone :)

Headed for NY

2010-07-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning I am leaving for New York. Becca's 2nd birthday party is on saturday. Her actual birthday isn't til next week, but we are doing a lot of traveling this summer and are trying to space it out a little bit so it's not too overwhelming for Becca. I am really excited for her birthday party. It should be a good turn out and the forecast is looking promising. It's going to be a Dora the Explorer theme...that's her favorite show. :) So, I have much to do. I need to make lists for everyone, and then pack everything on the lists. Then I need to clean out the car, which is still a mess from our last trip to NY in May. This trip is going to be a first. The will be my first driving trip alone with Becca and Max (our dog). Usually Eric (my husband) is always with us but he couldn't get the time off. So, he will be coming up separately on Friday and then he has to leave Sunday to be back to work Monday. I wanted to take the opportunity and spend a little extra time in town visiting family and friends I rarely get to see. Every time we go to NY we can only stay the weekend and there are so many people we don't get to see. So, this time I am coming up early and then staying in town 3 extra days without my husband. But, it'll be good. :) I probably won't have much computer access so I will post about my trip when I return next week. Hope you all have a great time while I'm gone and I'll catch you up when I get back :)

Thoughts in the Car - Part 2

2010-07-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

I was able to have several hours to myself today, and because it is such a rare occurrence, I try to savor and appreciate every moment. I needed to go to Party City to get supplies and decorations for Becca's Dora-themed birthday party next week.
So, those of you that have read my previous posts know that going into town is a 40-minute drive one way. I tend to do a lot of reflecting when I'm in the car by myself. Anyway, on my way to the store I popped in a CD to listen to. Which one? My faithful readers know...yup, that's right, again...my favorite CD..."Fearless" by Taylor Swift. The song "Fifteen" comes on...the music starts...the first word is spoken, and I am taken back to my high school years. I am fifteen again. The memories flood my mind as Taylor Swift perfectly describes being a high school freshman. The awkwardness and uncertainty. Walking down the halls on your first day of school, getting lost in what feels like a hollow museum. Gazing around at your new schoolmates, looking for familiar faces but avoiding eye contact with strangers. And of course...there was that one boy. You know the one. When he smiles at you or even makes eye contact with you, it makes your entire day. I had a crush on a boy for 5 years, beginning in 7th grade. This boy was completely wrong for me, and I knew it. He was a slacker, had a wandering eye, used me, and ended up in jail, yet knowing all this, he still had the ability to give me butterflies. (No, I didn't marry this frog...we never even dated, I just admired him from afar and later found my prince).
The song continues..."you sit in class next to red-headed Abigail and soon enough you're best friends...laughin' at the other girls, who think they're so cool, we'll be outta here as soon as we can." Immediately high school best friend, Vanessa, comes to mind and I smile. :) I remember we had the same classes and we always sat next to each other...with one look we would smirk as we read each others thoughts. Chorus class we would giggle at our oddball teacher who marched to a different beat. We dragged our matching sandals, wearing our unintentional matching outfits to English class 5 minutes late and get scowled at by our teacher who was awaiting retirement that year. Study Hall we sat at "our table" at the library, not studying, but commenting on the fashion magazines we looked at together. Before class we would meet up at the cafeteria and each get a bagel and cream cheese and sit and eat together. People thought we looked like sisters; we were always together. Maybe not sisters by blood, but definitely by heart. There are no other years like your high school years. Seems like a former lifetime; forever frozen in time. Yet, with all the drama that high school comes with, I can now look back on it with a smile :) I graduated 10 years ago. Would I want to go back and re-live high school? Not a chance.

Birthday Wishes

2010-07-01T04:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 28th birthday. Do I feel older? Yes. But not in a bad way. I am truly happy about where I am in my life right now. Last year was actually a terrible year for me, personally. I was very lonely and sad and unhappy with myself. Avoiding mirrors and hating what I saw in the reflection. The past six months I have been doing some soul-searching. Looking deep within and asking myself the hard questions. The big questions. I have been living my life day by day just to get by. Not really enjoying the life I have. I truly believe there is a lot more within me to explore. I want to be the best person I can be and not settle for mediocre. I want to challenge myself, learn new things and explore new opportunities. I am a quiet person and afraid of change, yet I complain that there is no excitement in my life. I want to be happy and confident in who I am and feel whole as a person. I am not there yet, but I am getting closer. My life is a good one, but what am I doing with it? My life could be taken away from me at any moment, so how come I'm not living to the fullest? I hope this next year brings new changes to me. I don't wish for things, I wish for personal growth. I am learning just how wonderful being a wife and mother truly is. Looking beyond the housework, and the sleep deprivation, and the responsibilities, to what really matters. Having a spouse who sees all the good in me, who loves me with all my flaws and out of all the women he has or hasn't met, has chosen me to spend the rest of his life with. Having a daughter who lights up my world and can melt my heart with a single smile, who depends on me to teach her how to live her life. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends who have very good lives. I want to embrace what is good in my life instead of focusing so much on what is not. Because there is so much more good than bad. Our attitude and our choices are what makes up our lives. I am focusing on my strengths and good qualities and trying to find opportunities to put them to good use. And my weaknesses I can choose to try to improve on but realize that I am not perfect, no one is. Another thing I am learning is to stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks of me. Sometimes I feel I live my life according to how everyone I know lives or how they expect me to live instead of making my own choices and finding out what I want out of my life. And most of all, the important thing that exceeds everything I've been learning on my path to self-discovery, is that I need God to direct my life because I suck at it. The older I get, the more I try to control everything, but I find that it only leads to dead-ends. Nothing but God can bring the satisfaction and fulfillment and inner peace and joy that is lacking in my life. He knows exactly all the things I am searching for, and He can lead me to the answers, He is just waiting for me to let go and ask Him for direction. Thank goodness He never gives up on me and is always there. Continues to love me even when I turn my back on Him out of selfishness and laziness. I look ahead to the next year with open-mindedness. Thankful for the struggles I've been through that has led me to who I am today. To become a complete puzzle, you need every single one of those pieces, both smooth and rough. I choose to believe my best days are still ahead of me and I have much to look forward to :)

100 Followers

2010-06-29T07:30:00.000-07:00

I saw that I had 99 followers yesterday and I hoped today I would write a post about reaching 100, so I check this morning and I have 102! WOW! I can't even believe it; I never expected such a warm welcome to the blogging community. Thank you followers of mine for reading my blog and taking interest in the things I have to say. Me, a stay at home mom, married to my sailor who is my hero. Not much of an exciting life I live over here, but I'm happy to have this blog to share it with you. A place to document cherished memories, brag about an accomplishment, vent some frustrations, share a few thoughts on my mind, and make new friends. A place to be myself. My true myself. Thank you to those of you who leave me kind words of encouragement. It brings a smile to my face and they are greatly received and appreciated :) Thank you for keeping up with my blog and faithfully reading my latest posts. You guys are so great, and such a lovely addition to my life...my blogging friends. I hope you have a great week :)

Night Shift

2010-06-28T07:09:00.000-07:00

My husband is back on the night shift. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but my husband (Eric) is an instructor on a Navy base at a Navy school. He has been doing this for the past three years. He normally works a regular day shift, but now he is teaching a night class for the next few weeks. He's done this a few times in the past. He adapts really well and easily to change, which helps with the ever-changing Navy lifestyle that we live. Anyway, last night was his first night on his new shift. It will be somewhat of a 10pm-8am schedule for the most part. So, he left after I made a pot of coffee for him to take to work and there I was, alone for the night. I took the opportunity to watch a movie that he won't watch..."17 Again" (I have a little crush on Zac Efron). When that was over, I watched the Emmy Awards on TV. That was a horrible award show; very poorly done. I went up to bed at 11:15pm but didn't fall asleep till probably midnight. I woke up twice because of shark dreams (I have a fear of great white sharks because of "Jaws"). I don't sleep well without Eric, and last night was no different. I got up at my normal time, 5:30am, to feed and walk Max, our dog. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't...images of sharks kept entering my mind. So, I went downstairs and checked my emails and read some new blog posts. Eric finally came home a little after 8am. I could tell he was really tired. He hung out with us (me, Becca and Max) for about 30 minutes and then went to bed, where he is now. I expected this. Just a new adjustment to make. I've got to figure out a system that works so he can get the sleep he needs and still have enough family time :) One thing's for sure, after being married for 8 years to a military man, sleeping alone is one thing I never get used to.

Under the Weather

2010-06-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

What a strange saying, feeling "under the weather". Where did that saying come from anyway? The point is, I'm sick. Feels a lot like the flu. I've been out of touch with the outside world all weekend because of it. I felt so bad for Eric, because Father's Day I spent the majority of the day laying on the couch useless. I wasn't able to make it as special a day as he deserves to have. And he made my Mother's Day perfect; I just wanted to pay it forward back to him. He said all he wanted was to stay home, relax, and watch the NASCAR race, and that's exactly what we did. And to top it all off, his favorite driver, Jimmie Johnson, ended up winning the race, so that made his day :)
I made myself some pastina soup to soothe my sore throat. My mom used to make me homemade chicken soup whenever I was sick. It was like magic, in that, it would make me feel so much better right away :) I wish I had some of her soup right now. I have the recipe, but lack the energy and time to make it. I remember as a kid, whenever I was sick I would lay in bed and my mom would rent movies for me to watch all day and she would bring me food in bed. She always made everything better. Maybe it was the love in her touch, or her gentleness or sensitivity. Every time I feel "under the weather" it makes me want my mommy. Hahaha. Now I am a mommy.
I have medicine to take, that isn't really working all that well and I've already gone through 2 boxes of tissues. We are always told the best thing to do is rest, right? How am I supposed to do that with a husband who works long hours, an energetic toddler, a curious puppy, and keep up with daily housework? My answer: I have no idea. I actually don't get sick very often, but when I do, I am a big baby. It completely takes over me, weakening my entire system, unlike my husband who toughs it out and is better the next day. I want to be tough too! Well, Becca just went down for a nap....here's where the choices present themselves....do I take this time to clean the kitchen which is a big mess....or do I take the time to rest on the couch? I'm going to be selfish for once and lay on the couch. Hope everyone is having a nice week :)

New Blog Award!

2010-06-18T04:31:00.000-07:00

How exciting! I got a new award! What a lovely one, too! :) Thank you SO much to Babblings of a Mommy for this! I enjoy keeping up with your blog and reading your posts and dishing about fashion ;) It does mean a lot to me that people care about what I write :)

Okay, now to follow the rules I will list 7 things about myself....
1. I have three weaknesses.....starbuck's mocha frappacino, any kind of cheesecake, and Snickers ice cream bars....never will I ever turn any of them down :)
2. I have a severe phobia of great white sharks and snakes, which I am trying to conquer on my own
3. I am a huge football fan.....go Carolina Panthers and Michigan Wolverines!
4. I love to decorate and look at ideas online and in magazines
5. I have a secret....I love all the High School Musical movies...that's right, I said it!
6. I love to take pictures of my family
7. My favorite color is hot pink

Now my favorite part of accepting awards...passing it onto other deserving bloggers. These ones are definitely worthy as I read them on a daily basis. Your inside beauty shines through your blog :)
1. Aging Mommy
2. Ordinary Inspirations
3. Searching for Starlight
4. Faith & Deployments
5. A Little Pink in a World of Camo
6. Make it Matter
7. Home Sanctuary

Friendships

2010-06-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

I have lots of friends. But how many of them are the tried and true friends that I long for? We share fond memories together and our friendship is timeless, in that, no matter how big of a time gap there is between communication, our next encounter we pick up right where we left off, as if nothing has changed. The only difference is that during the peak of our friendship we were young and dealt with high school issues, now we have more layers to our lives....a husband, children, greater responsibilities, etc. So, I say to you friend:
Why have I not heard from you? Our friendship has to stop just because I've moved away? Am I not worth keeping in touch with? I don't understand. When I needed a friend the most, none of you were there. It isn't your fault though, because I kept my feelings to myself as always, so how could you know I needed a friend? My darkest hours in life I talked with you of superficial "how've you been's" and "what's new?". Never did you know the depth of sadness that was behind my voice.
And we all have these conversations with long lost friends..."how are you?" But do we really want to know? Are you really bold enough to say the truth? That things aren't great, that you're not doing well. What you're really thinking is, "I don't want to air out my dirty laundry".....to a friend? That's what they're there for aren't they? Because when I ask these questions, I really want to know. I consider myself a really good friend, but maybe I'm not as good as I think I am, because it's so easy for everyone to go on with their lives without me being a part of theirs. Maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe I'm too "friend needy"?
I have harbored a bit of bitterness in my heart towards many of my friends. I've been angry that they are so busy with their own lives not to look outside beyond their circle and extend themselves to others. Maybe they do extend themselves, just not to me. Maybe I'm the ousider. This makes me doubt my self-worth and causes my self-esteem to become non-existent. And when you see the bitterness, and then a bit deeper you see the anger, dig much deeper and you will find the root of it.....the hurt, the disappointment knowing that these friends are capable of better. Well, here is some news for you.....no more! I released these bad feelings. During my darkest hours, I find that there is one who I can ALWAYS count on and is ALWAYS dependable. God above. I find comfort in Him. With tears pouring out, I got down on my knees and I let go of this weight that I've carried for years, yes years, and I feel peace as He washes those toxins away and cleanses my soul. I forgave everyone, even though they weren't even aware they hurt me. It is not a crime to live their own lives, especially if they don't help someone they aren't aware needs help. And to my friends who have hurt me, I don't cut you out of my life, I am still thankful to know you and I cherish the wonderful memories we have. I am learning to be content with the new phase of friendship we have.
So I say to you bloggers...don't become so self-consumed in your own lives that you overlook someone who might be in need of a friend. It may not appear that way on the outside, but you never know. Call a friend who has been on your mind, but you haven't "gotten around" to calling or emailing or writing them. Isolation and loneliness are powerful and dangerous things. Make the time to reach out to someone.

Slowing Down TV Time

2010-06-11T05:11:00.000-07:00

I am getting so tired of TV. During the year, I have a lot of shows that I regularly watch. Very few of them I watch live because most of them Eric doesn't like. So, I normally DVR them and watch them either before Becca wakes up or during her nap in the afternoon. All of my shows I watch during the year have come to an end. Finally! Seems like they've been on for a year ;) Hahahaha. LOL. These are all the shows I watch during the year....

American Idol
Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood
The Office
Glee
Top Chef Masters
Kendra
Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty
Undercover Boss

So, now the summer shows begin. I normally watch "So You Think You Can Dance" but I am so sick of TV that I am not even in the mood to watch that this year. I will watch "Hell's Kitchen" because that's one of the few shows I watch that my husband watches with me, and a new season of "Top Chef" is about to start up that I will watch as well. But that's it! No more! This number of summer shows is significantly smaller than my yearly shows and that is a relief to me. It is important for me to have a few shows I watch "for me" to give me a small escape from reality :) But I am feeling spent. I live in beautiful Virginia...time to turn the TV off and explore my surroundings. What can I fill this time with? I can think of a few ideas....sit outside in the fresh air reading a book, take a nap on the couch, call or write a friend. So, I am not sad that my favorite shows are over for a few months, my mind needs some refreshing and my eyes need to be unglazed!
So, bloggers, tell me what TV shows do you regularly watch?

Questions Answered Part 2

2010-06-08T04:51:00.000-07:00

Okay everybody, here are the rest of your questions and my answers. Thank you to all of you who took the time to ask them and/or read them. Now you know a little more about me. Have a great day :)

11. Nine years into your marriage, is military life all you thought it would be? Is it better or worse?
That's tough to say. The military life is not simply black or white, because it's mostly gray. It's not good or bad, there is good and bad to everything, it is what it is. You take what you know and live your life making the best of it. I was 19 when I got married. I was naive and didn't really know what to expect. I didn't know a whole lot about the military before marriage. I guess I didn't really realize how much control the military has on your life. It's impossible to plan anything, and plans already set in motion can change day to day. That is hard to adjust to. When your husband is on a deployment that is only supposed to last 8 months and it ends up being 11, that is hard to adjust to. On the positive side, there is a mutual understanding and a connection that military families have that is wonderful. They stick close together and I have made some one of a kind friendships through that.

12. Where all have you been able to live as a result of the military?
We lived in San Diego, CA for the first 6 years of our marriage. Then we came here to Virginia for Eric's shore duty, where we've been living for the past 2 1/2 years. There are things I've liked and disliked about both places.

13. If you had a day all to yourself, go anywhere, do anything, what would you do and why?
This has been the toughest question to answer out of all of them. There are so many possibilities. When I have time to myself I like to have peace and quiet. So, in this case, I would probably go to one of my favorite places.....go to a Barnes and Nobles and get a drink and a danish and sit and read for a while, then I would go to Old Town Fredericksburg and walk around the town going in and out of antique malls and antique stores which I love to do, have lunch at a coffee house, then see a movie by myself ( I did it once and I loved it!) and get take out dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and come home and eat in the quiet. Light a few candles, maybe read a little or listen to some music. Sounds like a dream just reading it. This would be a great day for me :)

14. What is your favorite and least favorite thing about being a military family or military wife?
My least favorite thing is definitely having to pick up your family and move around so often. I have yet to do this with children, and I am not looking forward to that.
My favorite thing is the fact that our life means something. Our family sacrifices for our country and it matters. We are making a small contribution to our country's freedoms....even my daughter and I. I am proud of my husband and proud to be a part of the military community.

15. Where was your favorite assignment/duty station?
Definitely here in Virginia. I did not enjoy living so far away from family and friends in California. I love to visit there, but not to live there.

16. If you could take one thing back that you have done/said in your life so far, what would it be?
I would take back the few mean things I said to my mom when I was a clueless teenager.
I answered this part of the question on a previous question, I wouldn't have done so much physically with boyfriends before marriage.

17. What is the best thing about being a military wife?
Being married to an honorable military man and being his support so he can do his job the best he can. See question #14.

18. If your husband could be assigned anywhere, where would you want to live?
I don't know, I'm not very adventurous. I don't like living far away from family and friends and being so isolated, it is very lonely. So, maybe the Carolina's...as long as it's someplace that still has seasons. We lived in California, and it was beautiful with perfect weather, but Christmas without snow just isn't for me.

19. Do you have any dreams for the future?
I want my family to be happy. Doesn't matter how much money I have, but that I made the most of my life. I want to challenge myself and be the best person I can be. I don't want to just be planning and working towards the future and end up missing out on enjoying the journey. I want my 30's to be better than my 20's, my 40's better than my 30's and so on. I want to show my daughter the world and fill her life with opportunities and experiences.

20. Do you have to move often as a Navy wife?
An average military family moves every couple of years. We have moved seven times in my husband's military career. Together, we have lived in California and Virginia, but he has gone on three 10-month deployments and each one I have gone back to New York to live with family. On the upside, every time we move, each new home has been nicer and in a better area than the previous one. New places mean fresh starts, new opportunities and new experiences.

Questions Answered Part 1

2010-06-07T04:17:00.000-07:00

WOW! I didn't expect so much interest in me! It's a lovely surprise. Thank you for your great questions! They were a lot of fun to answer, and some required a bit of thought. There ended up being 20 total, so I will post the first 10 questions and answers today and the last 10 tomorrow.

1. What made you start blogging?
Being a military spouse, we've always moved far away from family and friends and it gets lonely. I needed an outlet to express myself, and I just wanted to be heard. To connect with others in the world I could relate to...other mothers, other military spouses, SAHM, etc. The blogging world became the social connection I was missing.

2. You say you're a "quiet person," Do you find that you express yourself better by writing, or are you able to express yourself "in person" just as well?
I express myself best in writing, no question about it. I am a terrible speaker, even in a casual conversation. I stumble over my words, I studder, and my thoughts in my head are clear, but they don't come out through words the way I want them to. When speaking, I definitely do the best one on one. I am more comfortable writing though, the words seem to flow better.

3. What's the last book you read? ( I don't mean "The Very Hungry Caterpillar;" I'm really asking what you read for YOU.
Well, I saw the musical Wicked three months ago and LOVED it! So I went out and got the book that the play was based on, but I didn't even finish it because I didn't like it. The last book I read was "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer and that was a good book. I like to read inspiring stories, true stories.....I mostly read Christian books and self-improving/motivational books.

4. What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
I don't eat very adventurously. I have eaten eel and shark, but I wasn't impressed with either.

5. Do you prefer coffee or tea?
The only time I drink hot tea is when I have a sore throat (works every time). I love coffee!

6. Do you prefer heels or flats?
I love shoes! I love the way heels look style-wise, but I can't wear heels because I have very weak ankles. I prefer wearing flats or shoes with a wedge.

7. Do you think Adam and Eve had belly buttons or not? ;)
Hahaha. This question made me smile. Never in my life have I ever thought about that...that's interesting though. I don't know....maybe not.

8. What are a few items you can't live without? Besides your beautiful family of course.
I couldn't live without chocolate :) My wedding ring/engagement ring and my mommy bracelet with my daughter's name on it are very special to me. I don't feel complete when I take them off. My Bible is my life guide, so I need that. A purse of some kind, because everything I need when I am away from home is in there. A notebook and pen because my life consists of lists.

9. What is your greatest achievement?
That's an easy one....having my daughter and becoming a mother.

10. What is your greatest regret?
Doing too much physically with boyfriends before marriage.

Questions Anyone?

2010-06-04T04:49:00.000-07:00

Hello bloggers and followers! I have decided to do something a bit different than my usual posts. I am going to do a question/answer post. I have seen many other bloggers do it on other blogs and it seems like a lot of fun. I enjoy getting to know the people behind the blogs that I read on a regular basis. People come from all different places, have different childhoods and upbringings, likes and dislikes, beliefs and convictions, etc. So, this is about any questions you may have for me. It can be about anything.....childhood, likes and dislikes, favorite things, hobbies, marriage, parenting, being a military spouse, beliefs, etc. Leave me a comment asking me anything you want to know, and on Monday I will put up a new post answering EVERY question I receive. I may get one, I may get many...I've never done this so I don't know. I think it would be fun letting you into my world and getting a bit personal so you can get to know me better and the person behind the posts :) Have a great weekend!

Memorial Day Weekend

2010-06-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

We had a lovely three-day weekend. The weather was hot and sunny, so much of it was spent outside and on the porch.
Saturday we did our grocery shopping. Eric wanted some time to himself, so he went into town to shop at Wegmans and I stayed close to home and shopped at the commisary on base. I was given a lovely surprise when Eric brought home some things for our porch. He bought two chairs to use on the porch, because up until now we just brought out our uncomfortable wooden kitchen chairs. He also bought two sets of white rope lights, which he strung up all the way around the inside of the porch. It looks so nice all lit up at night. He also got an American Flag to hang outside of our porch; and he got a new light fixture as well, to replace the one that came with it that is old and outdated. It looks so nice! Such small changes make a big difference in the atmosphere. For dinner we had steaks on the grill. New York strip steaks with carmelized onions and sauteed mushrooms with baked potato and pasta parmesan for side dishes. It was delicious! We of course ate on the porch. It was lovely :) After Becca went to bed we watched Avatar on Blu-ray, our newest Netflix rental. It was a really good movie, I liked it a lot.
Sunday we had a nice big breakfast out on the porch...eggs, biscuits, bacon, sausage, coffee. There is something so peaceful about eating on the porch...feeling the fresh air, smelling the trees and flowers in the air, watching birds and squirrels scurring about, as well as people walking their dogs or pushing their child in a stroller.
Eric went to the store real quick while I cleaned up breakfast and came back with another surprise! He bought a birdfeeder and some birdseed to hang outside of our porch so we can watch the birds while we're out there! I was so excited! I've been wanting one for a long time, but it's been low on the priority list of course. Becca loves to watch and feed the birds at my mom's house in NY when we visit, so I'm excited that she can enjoy that here in her own home :) So we hung it up and it looks so nice! As I sat on the porch watching the birds, my mind began to drift to thoughts of my grandmother. She passed away when I was a teenager after losing a long battle with breast cancer. She loved to feed her birds. When I went over to visit at her house we would go to her backyard and she would sing and talk to the birds. She had several birdfeeders and different kinds of birdseed to attract a variety of different kinds of birds. Within seconds of her calling out to them, there would be a dozen different kinds of birds all around her feet and gathering on the feeders. They loved her. They would bathe in her bird bath......it was home to them. It was a very special thing that I will always remember. :)
Back to our weekend......We brought out Becca's little blow up pool since it was almost 90 degrees and sat outside with her in our new chairs while we watched her swim and splash in the pool! She had a ball! It also made her sleep really well for her nap, which made us really happy :)
After her nap we went across the street to Eric's friends' house to watch the Nascar race. There were a bunch of other families there. We had a nice time :)
Memorial Day we spent the whole day home as a family. We brought out the pool again for Becca and this time I put on my bathing suit and laid out by the pool with her. I even got a little tan! We had hot dogs for dinner with homemade macaroni salad...yummy! I made the salad with this new macaroni that I saw in the store and it's made with carrots, spinach and tomatoes.....one serving equals your daily serving of vegetables! It turned out really good! I made a berry shortcake for dessert. It was homemade shortcake that I used cookie cutters to make it shaped like a star for the holiday. I added fresh strawberries and blackberries and topped it off with homemade whipped cream.....it was one of the best desserts I've ever had in my life! Yum!
After Becca went to bed we watched another Netflix movie.....Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. It was a cute movie :)
What a great weekend with the family. I have so much joy in the little things. Like making small additions to the porch to make it more our own. Sitting outside as a family together and watching my little girl splash around and swim like a fish! My husband surprising me in little things like getting me a birdfeeder which he knows I've been wanting for a while. I am thankful for my beautiful family and lovely home....and my wonderful husband who provides me with all that I have.

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

I questioned whether or not I was going to write a post about Memorial Day. I thought about posting a nice poem, so I typed in "Memorial Day poems" into Google (I Google everything). After reading 20 different poems and coming across many pictures like this one above, my heart felt very heavy.
It may be hard for you to believe, but even I, a military wife, have taken this day for granted. Memorial Day rolls around and I think to myself....Hooray! Eric gets the day off! What plans can we make, who can we see?, what should I make to eat? Harmless thoughts of course, except that's all I think about.....forgetting the reason behind this special day. I drive down the road and see people opening their pools, grills out for BBQ, people in patriotic clothing. Is it me or does this have the same appearance of the 4th of July? Maybe it looks that way on the outside, but Memorial Day takes on a completely different meaning. It is not a day of celebration like Independence Day, it is a day of respect and honor for all of our military men and women who's lives were sacrificed for our freedoms. This also includes their families who they left behind. Let's not let their deaths be in vain, but be thankful for the freedoms we have that they so bravely fought to protect. We owe our lives to them. Let's not take that for granted, but remember them in honor and respect.
Thank you to all of our service members out there who are living sacrifices. Thank you to all their families who are the support team behind them. Thank you for protecting my freedoms so I can have the life I choose to live. Thank you for fighting for my life, even though I am a stranger to you. Thank you for choosing what you know is right, even knowing that the possible end result is death. I have the utmost respect and admiration and gratitude for you all.

NY Trip - Baby Shower & Lilac Festival

2010-05-27T04:58:00.000-07:00

I'm back! It's always a treat to go back "home" to NY and spend time with family and friends, but it's also great to come back home, to the familiar routine. I get frustrated because it's the same thing every day, no change. Then when I go back to NY every day is filled with events and being surrounded by people. So, it's nice to come back to our peaceful life in Virginia.....the familiar quiet and being able to control my day the way I want it. Sometimes you have to step out of your daily surroundings to appreciate it more.

We were in New York for almost a week and it definitely felt like a vacation. Not the peaceful one though. It was a lot of fun but also hectic. I've only attended showers and have been the guest of honor for my own; I've never been behind the scenes in helping plan one. I helped my MIL (mother-in-law) with lots of ideas and decorated her house for the shower. It was so much fun! I loved being in charge! I also helped make the favors and the layout of the party and where things should go. The shower was on Saturday and it went great! It was actually supposed to rain but it never did. Thank goodness! It was held outside and the weather was sunny and hot! We had BBQ style food....very laid back and homey.....corn on the cob, beef ribs and salt potatoes. Jason, my BIL (brother-in-law) and Carolyn, my SIL (sister in law) got some wonderful gifts. There were about 35 people who came and 40 were invited, so it was a great turnout!

Me and Carolyn at her Baby Shower

Our family at the Baby Shower -from left to right--Renee (my mom), Eric (my husband), me, Becca (my daughter), Jason (my BIL), Carolyn (my SIL), Kim (my MIL), Chris (my FIL) and Cathy (Carolyn's mom)

We went to the Lilac Festival the next day. It was a lot of fun. I used to go every year when I was younger. It is a big deal for Rochester, it is famous for its Lilac Festival. It's been cold there lately and most of the flowers weren't in bloom which was unfortunate. Of course, we did go on the last day so maybe they were nicer in the beginning of the week-long festival. It brought back memories though. :) We walked through the park and enjoyed the few lilacs that were in bloom. They are just beautiful and give off such a wonderful smell. Then we walked through the vendors....rows and rows of original paintings, jewelry, signs, artwork, they do caricatures, there are sculptures...there is always so much to see and do there. It was very hot that day as well, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to go.

Me and Becca at the Lilac Festival

Every time we go back to Rochester we like to stop at our favorite eateries. Dibella's for the best subs and sandwiches! Shaeller's for the best hamburgers! We also went to the Erie Canal which runs through the town. We took Becca to feed the ducks and she loved it! It's also great to take walks...people ride bikes and rollerblade and walk their dogs. There are boat rides and you can get ice cream. I spent a lot of time there growing up.

Becca and my mom (Nana) feeding the ducks at the canal

While we were in town I was able to visit with some of my side of the family. Two of my aunts and two of my cousins came over as well as Shannon, who is like my little sister. My mom used to do daycare in her house and she watched Shannon since she was 4 years old and now she's 18, so she's part of our family. It was great to catch up with them. It's hard living so far away from all the people you love, and then when you finally see each other after months apart, that connection instantly resurfaces. I'm appreciative and thankful that they made the time to see us while we were there.

My brother Joey, my mom, and me

Family-from left to right---cousin Meg, me, my mom, Shannon, and cousin Jenna

Packing for our Trip

2010-05-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

Our family is leaving Thursday for a trip "home" to New York. It is where both Eric and I are from and grew up. Most of our family and friends still live there, so it's a great escape to go back and reconnect :) Eric's brother and his wife are expecting their first child this summer and we are eager with anticipation to meet our little niece or nephew. They have decided to wait until the baby's birth to find out the sex, so that adds another element of excitement to it all. We are headed to New York because their baby shower is being held at my mother and father-in-law's house on Saturday. The shower is a co-ed shower. I've never been to one before, so it should be interesting :) We are hoping for good weather that day so we can have the shower outside, but you never know with Rochester weather. There's no place more unpredictable in my mind. I'm really looking forward to it and seeing everyone and being together with people I love and care about :) Carolyn, my sister-in-law, just means so much to me and she is so sweet. I always wondered what it would be like to have a sister growing up, and she is just the best sister I could ever hope for. I am so happy for her and her husband, they are going to be wonderful parents. I'm also really happy that Becca will have a little cousin that is close in age to grow up with. I've always been close with my cousins and I wished for Becca to have the same thing.
Eric and I know how much stuff a baby requires and it definitely puts a damper on your wallet. To help them out, we are loaning them a bunch of our baby stuff for them to use. We don't use them anymore so at least someone else can get some good use for it, while also saving them some money as well, or at least some extra room on their baby registry. Some of these things are....a baby jumperoo, baby bouncer, baby bjorn carrier, and a breast pump. I also threw in a few extra things because I want to help them any way I can. I only wish I could do more, but I couldn't possibly afford everything I would want to get for them. I think baby shopping is the most fun type of shopping there is!
Anyway, I had put all of Becca's newborn and infant stuff away in the back of the downstairs closet, so today I had to take everything out to get back there and sort through bins and bags. I sat there, lost in the moment, as I continued to look through all of her tiny belongings. Little booties....bonnets.....bottles.....rattles. It took me back to that place in time that seems so long ago, yet I can remember it like it was yesterday. I picked up a tiny bottle and thought back to when I cradled her in my arms and rocked her to sleep in the rocker we have in her bedroom. I would just watch her sleep and smell her "baby smell" wafting from her head for long after she fell asleep. She was just angelic. I miss those times. She was so tiny and delicate and fragile. She still is and always will be my treasured jewel, but there is something so innocent and magical about a newborn infant baby. Ahh, memories.
Well, there's not a whole lot of time to reflect on these memories right now, there is much to do. I need to finish the laundry so all the clothes are clean and ready to be packed. I have a list of things to do before we leave. I have to clean the house because I hate coming home from a trip to a mess. Yet, even though I sound organized, I always manage to forget something every time I take a trip.
We are leaving Thursday after Eric gets out of work, so everything needs to be packed Wednesday night. I have to start packing days in advance because I approach things very slowly. I over analyze everything. Plus, I pack three extra sets of clothes in case I don't feel like wearing the ones I already picked out. Then of course if the weather changes, then you have to start all over again. So, that's about all for now about that. Becca will be waking up from her nap in about an hour and then I have to feed her and then get ready to take Max to the vet to get his latest vaccine. Bye for now. :)

Thank You Bloggers

2010-05-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

I know I have only been blogging for a couple of weeks now, but I couldn't wait any longer to send out a thank you to you bloggers out there. I was hesitant to start a blog because I didn't think anyone would be interested in the thoughts and events in the life of me....a boring housewife. Much to my surprise, the welcome I have received has been wonderfully positive. In my short time in the blogging world, I have already met some wonderful people...a few of them have even become friends. Through exploring other blogs I have found so many that I can relate to. Whether it's written by another military wife who has been where I've been and awaiting her husbands safe return from a deployment. Or a mother struggling to make it through another day of putting herself last and the needs of her family before her own. Or maybe it's a young lady who has just graduated and anxiously awaiting her future. Thank you to my followers and visitors who take the time to visit my page and lend your eyes to my words. Thank you to those of you who leave comments and words of encouragement. Thank you to the bloggers out there for your honesty and truth. Truth is magnetic; it draws people in. Life is hard and it is filled with ups and downs, hills and valleys. Nobody has a perfect life. Thank you to the brave bloggers out there who have the courage to express yourselves so honestly. That takes boldness and I have much respect for you. I strive to be more like that. To live an honest life instead of hiding behind what I think others want to see from me. Some people pretend to be someone or something they are not. They live in fear of judgment of others. Somehow it's "safer" to let it all out on paper or on a screen. To "save face". It's easier to edit your words and say what you need to say but in the time and the way you want to say it. Release those things you really want to say. Just remember words are powerful. They can change lives for the better or for the worse. Why do people blog? Well, I am learning and still finding my way around the blogging world. But I think it has to do with the fact that we have something to say and we need to be heard. We listen to others, but who is listening back? Being a military wife, I have moved around a lot, to new places, starting over, not having any friends around. It is hard. I need a supportive community. I have made a bit of progress in my new location, but I have made huge progress in the blogging community. Making new friends and reading about people who are in the same situations as me, going through the same things. There is common ground. It is refreshing to know that you are not the only one going through them.
So thank you bloggers for sharing those struggles, it reminds the rest of us that we are not alone.
Thank you for sharing your triumphs as well, it reminds us that beautiful flowers grow from the dirty ground and the gloomy rain. Thank you for sharing your stories and allowing us to be a small part of your journey.

Thank You for my Blog Awards!

2010-05-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, Wow, Wow! I've only been blogging a couple weeks and I just received five awards! Thank you so much! This means SO, SO much to me!
Thank you to Truthful Mommy for the Versatile Blogger Award, the One Lovely Blog Award, the Sunshine Award, and the Sugar Doll Award! I love your blog and I think you are a wonderful person and worthy of the blog awards you've recently received :) Congratulations to you again :)
Thank you to Katherine at Keeping up with the Heimsoths for the Honest Scrap Award! I love reading about your family and I think you are a lovely person! The honesty you put in your blog is definitely worthy of the award you just received :) Congratulations to you :)

Award Rules:

1. Thank the person who gave you this award.

2. Share 10 things about yourself

3. Pass the award along to 10 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are worthy of the award.

4. Contact the bloggers you've picked and let them know about the award.

Rule 1:

See above

Rule 2:

1. I got married when I was 19 to my high school sweetheart and we're still married today

2. Two of my favorite things to do are reading and writing

3. I am currently enrolled at Penn Foster School to be a medical transcriptionist

4. I am my own worst critic and struggle with the feeling of not being good enough

5. My biggest strengths are compassion and encouragement

6. My biggest weaknesses are laziness and comparing myself to others

7. I collect coffee mugs and also Precious Moments figurines

8. I have feared the water ever since I saw the movie "Jaws"

9. My favorite TV show of all times is F.R.I.E.N.D.S

10. My mother, my husband, and my daughter are the greatest blessings God has given me and I am thankful every day for them.

Rule 3:

The Honest Scrap Award I pass on to these bloggers.......

1. Brittney @ MommyWood

2. Little Man's Mama @ Accidental Baby Maker

3. Blogger @ In Pursuit of Happiness

4. Laura @ Searching for Starlight

5. Patrice @ Blessings Amid Chaos

6. Sarah @ Mommy's Minute

7. Teri @ Momma Drama

8. Cheryl @ Boots in the Doorway

9. Christina @ Married to a Sailor

10. Trina @ A Girl in Love with a Soldier

The One Lovely Blog Award I pass on to these bloggers......

1. Patrice @ Blessings Amid Chaos

2. Traci @ Ordinary Inspirations

3. Julie @ Make It Matter

4. Mrs. Bliss @ Housewife Bliss

5. Elizabeth @ Love and Marriage

6. Cheryl @ Boots in the Doorway

7. Blogger @ Sweet Tea and Biscuits

8. Charlie @ Hush Mama

9. Shannon @ Growing God's Gifts

10. Divas @ The Dating Divas

The Sugar Doll Award I pass on to these bloggers.....

1. Trina @ A Girl in Love with a Soldier

2. Jennifer @ Double Duty Mommy

3. Miss C @ Life as I See it

4. Elizabeth @ Love and Marriage

5. Katie @ Desperate for Coffee

6. Divas @ The Dating Divas

7. Mrs P @ A Little Pink in a World Full of Camo

8. Sarah @ Mommy's Minute

9. Blogger @ Aging Mommy

10. Jennifer @ 5 Lil' Chicks

The Sunshine Award I pass on to these bloggers.....

1. Trina @ A Girl in Love With A Soldier

2. Katherine @ Keeping up with the Heismoth's

3. Blogger @ The Girl Next Door Grows Up

4. Charlie @ Hush Mama
5. Teri @ Momma Drama
6. Elizabeth @ Love and Marriage

7. Laura @ Searching for Starlight

8. Patrice @ Blessings Amid Chaos

9. Nicole @ A New Normal

10. Jennifer @ 5 Lil' Chicks

The Versatile Blogger Award I pass on to these bloggers......

1. Sandra @ Diary of a Stay at Home Mom

2. Jennifer @ Double Duty Mommy

3. Nicole @ A New Normal

4. Traci @ Ordinary Inspirations

5. Rebecca @ Growing Up Our Style

6. Christina @ Married to a Sailor

7. Nolie @ Nolie's Place

8. Sarah @ Mommy's Minute

9. Jenny @ Babblings of a Mommy

10. Brittney @ Mommywood

Congratulations to all you winners! I am encouraged by your blogs and think you are all wonderful!

What a Military Spouse Means to Me

2010-05-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

I discovered a contest on another blog...Married to a Sailor. As a military spouse, I wanted to take part in it....to write a post about what a military spouse means to me. Check out her page to learn more. Here is my entry...

What a Military Spouse Means to Me

A military spouse is a person made up of many layers. I will refer to the spouse as "she" in this post, though I understand that the military spouses that are the men are of no less value. When I think of military spouse...this is what I think of....

She is a woman of flexibility.

She is able to adapt to change at a moment's notice. She doesn't ask questions because she knows most likely she won't get many answers. She leaves her familiar surroundings which include family and friends and starts over in a new place; knowing that in a few years she will repeat this process all over again. She knows that in the military, time is always changing. When her husband is sent out for a few days, that can quickly become a few weeks and it's never given a second thought...it becomes the norm.

She is a woman of strength and endurance.

When her husband is sent out to protect our freedoms that we take for granted, she is keeping things running smoothly until he returns. Going to bed and waking up alone and finding strength deep inside when she feels her energy source has run dry. She feels worn out and on the brink of tears and she forces a brave smile and focuses on whatever it takes to keep going.

She is a woman of comfort.

She is a place of security and creates a safe place for her spouse to come home to. A place of calm and warmth to escape from the stresses that accompanies his job.

She is a woman of trust.

Her husband can focus on his job and have confidence that everything is running smoothly and taken care of while he is away.

She is a woman of faithfulness.

Her husband knows that he has a good woman to come home to. Someone who isn't going to leave when times get tough, because they will.

She is a woman of sensitivity and understanding.

She knows that his job requires him to keep things secret from her. She knows that he knows things or maybe has seen things that are hard for him to live with and sometimes needs his space to deal with them his own way. She knows how to read him and knows when to give him this space. The military doesn't ask; it tells.

She is a woman of sacrifice.

The military takes charge of her life and makes the decisions and she accepts that. She puts her wants and desires on the back burner and does whatever it takes to make the best of the situations she is given. She tries not to complain so her husband never feels his job is robbing her of a better life.

She is a woman of foundation.

She is supportive of her husband and he knows she is in his corner to uplift him and encourage him when the waters get rough. She is his partner; they are a team. He knows that she will back up the decisions he makes, because he knows things she doesn't.

Finally, she is a woman of faith.

This is different from faithfulness. She trusts in God to take care of her husband when he is sent away and loses all control from there. She knows that every time his job sends him away, there is a chance he will not return. It takes all the strength she has not to focus on this and the life she may have to live without her other half. This knowledge gives her more appreciation for the times they have together.

There is unity among military spouses and a respect that comes with the title. There is common ground and understanding between us. We know our husbands are our heroes. They don't have it easy, but they are brave to volunteer their lives for our country. They are brave and putting their life on the line, yet to them it's "just another day". They sacrifice so much for so many people, and through them, so do their spouses. Through that sacrifice brings humility and pride and gives our lives that much more meaning and depth.

So, after almost nine years of being a military spouse, would I choose to be one if I knew then what I know now? Absolutely! I am the supportive foundation behind my husband so that he can be focused when he's in battle. The job of a military spouse is just as important and should be just as respected.

My Mother's Day

2010-05-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

My Mother's Day began with sleeping in until 7:30am. This is about two hours later than my usual wake-up time so I was very grateful to Eric for taking care of Becca and Max (our dog) so I could get some extra sleep. I felt well-rested and excited for Mother's Day to begin. You know how sometimes special occasions don't feel like they're supposed to and they feel like just another day? Well, yesterday felt like a very special day right from the moment I woke up! A day all about me! To do whatever I wanted to do! I was grateful for such a day :) A day to celebrate the fact that I am a mother.
My husband was in a really good mood when he greeted me downstairs and wished me a Happy Mother's Day, followed by a great big hug from my daughter :) What a wonderful way to start the day!
We had a lovely breakfast as a family together out on our screened-in porch. It was a little chilly out, but the air was so fresh and crisp; it felt really great. Breakfast was delicious. Eric cleaned up and cleared the table while I got ready for the day. I wanted to look fabulous! I wanted to really feel good about myself. I took my time picking my outfit, doing my makeup, putting on jewelry and perfume...and when I had finished I looked in the mirror.....and I liked what I saw! I usually dread the mirror and avoid it as much as possible. But, yesterday I felt good about the person that I saw. I clean up nice! ;)
I told Eric I wanted to go to the local park as a family. So we found one about ten minutes down the road that Becca and I had never been to. Eric had been there many years ago when he was a student here. It was a small park and it had a playground and soccer field and baseball field. There was nobody else there, we had it all to ourselves. We let Becca run and run and run through the soccer field. She loves to be outside. She runs without purpose, just for the love of it. Eric and I followed behind her, hand in hand, just enjoying the moment. Then we headed to the playground and Eric and I took turns with Becca going down the slides. She had a blast! On the drive home we went through some neighborhoods and just toured the area. Eric and I used to do this when we lived in San Diego. We would talk about the houses that we saw and what we liked and didn't like about them. This is one of my favorite things to do with Eric. I know he enjoys it too. We came home and fed Becca lunch. Last year Eric and I started a family tradition of a photoshoot with Becca every Mother's Day and Father's Day so we will always have that day captured in pictures. So, Eric had been taking pictures at the park earlier and when we got home he took some more pictures of her and I. We got a couple really great ones :) When we were finished with that, it was time for Becca's nap, so we put her to bed. Eric and I sat down and watched TV and read the paper. As soon as I finished reading I went on the webcam with my mom and we talked for a while. I loved spending time with her on Mother's Day the only way I was able to. At least we could see each other and chat. After Becca woke up from her nap I made dinner.....cheese raviolis with red sauce....mmmmmm. Delicious! The rest of the night was very laid back. I took Max for a walk after dinner. This is my time to myself. Very peaceful. When I got back from that Eric and I talked on the phone with his mom for a while.
What a great day it was for me. Looking back, there was nothing grand that we did, just spent time together as a family and that's what I wanted. Just being together. We don't have to spend tons of money...it's about the moments and putting in the time. I am thankful for my husband taking Max on most of his walks and taking care of everything so I had to do very little that day. And my daughter who lights up my world by just being in it. Happy Mother's Day to me!

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day Poem by Helen Steiner Rice

It takes a Mother's Love
To make a house a home,

A place to be remembered,
No matter where we roam.

It takes a Mother's Patience,
To bring a child up right,

And her Courage and her Cheerfulness
To make a dark day bright.

It takes a Mother's Thoughtfulness
To mend the heart's deep "hurts,"

And her Skill and her Endurance
To mend little socks and shirts.

It takes a Mother's Kindness
To forgive us when we err,

To sympathize in trouble
And bow her head in prayer.

It takes a Mother's Wisdom
To recognize our needs

And to give us reassurance
By her loving words and deeds.

It takes a Mother's Endless Faith,
Her Confidence and Trust

To guide us through the pitfalls
Of selfishness and lust.

And that is why in all this world
There could not be another

Who could fulfill God's purpose
As completely as a MOTHER!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there!
I'm wishing you a day that makes you feel as special as you are!

My Daughter Rebecca

2010-05-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

Mother's Heart

author unknown

I loved you from the very start

You stole my breath, embraced my heart.

Our life together has just begun

You're part of me my little one

As mother with child, each day I grew

My mind was filled with thoughts of you

I'd daydream of the things we'd share

Like late-night bottles and teddy bears

Like first steps and skinned knees,

Like bedtime stories and ABC's

I thought of things you'd want to know,

Like how birds fly and flowers grow

I thought of lessons I'd need to share,

Like standing tall and playing fair

When I first saw your precious face,
I prayed your life be touched with grace

I thanked the angels from above,
And promised you unending love

Each night I lay you down to sleep,
I gently kiss your head and cheek

I count your little fingers and toes;
I memorize your eyes and nose

I linger at your nursery door,
Awed each day I love you more

Through misty eyes, I dim the light,
I whisper, "I love you" every night

I loved you from the very start,
You stole my breath, embraced my heart

As mother and child our journey's begin,
My heart's yours forever little one.

Thank you Rebecca for making me a mommy. It is the greatest joy of my life! I love you!

Thoughts in the Car

2010-05-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

Finally, some time for myself. No husband, no dog, no daughter. Just me, myself and I. How exciting! It's been a while. I had some store credit at Kohls that I wanted to use to take advantage of a sale that was going on yesterday. My husband, Eric, got home from work at 4:30pm. It was a little later than I was hoping to leave but Becca (my daughter) was still napping and I knew she'd be awake any minute, so the time to leave was now. It is a 40 minute drive to the nearest shopping center so I popped in one of my favorite CD's....Taylor Swift "Fearless". I enjoyed the ride as I listened to the music. Finally arriving into town the second to last song came on and started playing. It's called "The Best Day." For those of you who don't know it, Taylor Swift wrote it for her mother about her childhood memories with her. I cry every single time I hear it. I can definitely relate. As I continued driving, I recalled my own childhood memories with my mom. Oddly enough, my fondest and most treasured memories with my mom are the quiet ones......Two years ago, after dinner, we took a walk around her neighborhood sipping iced coffee talking about random things...Going away to college, first time living away from home and receiving letters from my mom daily....Moving out to California and being home by myself in an unfamiliar, new place and calling her in the middle of the night because I was afraid...she stayed on the phone with me for three hours until I was ready to go to sleep.....My younger years, sitting at the kitchen table while she washed the dishes and I told her about my day at school....Watching a movie together. Thinking about these moments, I hope I am as good a mom to my daughter. My mom is my inspiration. I hope my daughter and I have a close bond like I have with my mom. She is truly one of my best friends. I don't need to be the most fun mom, or the coolest mom, or the most stylish mom....my goal is for my daughter to grow up to be a good person and for her to be able to say "my mom is always there for me when I need her."
So, I arrived at Kohls and spent my store credit on a handful of things. Back to a 40 minute drive home. The ride back I listened to the same CD again starting at the beginning (I told you it's one of my favorites). I was feeling pretty great. I rarely get alone time. Time for me. Free from worrying and stressing about everyone else. I was enjoying every second of this. What a beautiful day. Sun shining and accompanied by a nice breeze. I rolled down my windows in the car, which I never do for fear of my hair getting messed up. But in that moment, I didn't care. It was so refreshing to feel the air on my face and through my hair. Smell the trees and grass and all the smells around me. I felt like I was floating down the road. No traffic, no stoplights or stop signs, no other cars. Just me. It became so overwhelming the freedom I felt in that moment, I began to cry. So thankful for this peaceful moment. I wished there were more like this. It was such a freeing moment.
Being a stay at home mom is hard. Always taking care of a child, dog and husband 24/7. That means my mind is constantly revolved around everything that encompasses them. They are what's important and I am last.
So, I pulled up to our house; back to reality and responsibilities. As soon as Becca saw me her face lit up with excitement. She ran to me at full speed and flew into my arms and hugged me so tight. Our dog, Max, greeted me with the same excitement...jumping around and wagging his tail so fast I thought he would knock something over. The first words out of my husband's mouth said it all...."Finally you're home." :)
The remainder of the night everyone stuck to me like glue. My daughter wouldn't let me put her down. I sat on the floor and she brought me book after book to read to her as she sat on my lap. Max rested by my side.
I am missed, I am needed, I am depended on, I am loved.
My welcome home was the reminder that I needed that validated my importance to this family, and the time away gave me the endurance that I needed to keep going.

Conflict with Prayer

2010-05-03T05:26:00.000-07:00

I have continuously struggled with this area in my relationship with God. I think I tend to go through the motions and say what sounds good, but not really open up my heart. I tend to put God in a box, forgetting His incredible power and omniscience. I limit His capabilities, what He is able to do. All the stresses in my life I take on myself, not trusting in Him to handle it. "I'll do it myself, my own way." It never works by the way. I am not strong enough to bear these things and I have no idea how to make it better. Even though I try to find the answers myself, I know deep down that the answers lie with God. I am thankful for the Holy Spirit that continues to whisper in my ear to go to God. I do ignore that voice, but I hear it. But, thick-headed as I am, continue to try over and over to find my own way.
Then I ask for forgiveness and bring it to the Lord and find relief quite quickly. It lasts for a few days and then the vicious cycle begins all over again.
Why do I continue to push Him away when I know He is the best thing for me and will provide the things that I need?Another thing about prayer...."I don't feel like praying, I don't want to". "I don't know what to say."

I read this the other day in my devotional.....
"Day by Day" by Charles Swindoll

"Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one's heart, its pleasures and its pain, to a dear friend. Tell Him your troubles, that He may comfort you; tell Him your joys, that He may sober them; tell Him your longings, that He may purify them; tell Him your dislikes, that He may help you to conquer them; talk to Him of your temptations, that He may shield you from them; show Him the wounds of your heart, that He may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability. Tell Him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others. If you thus pour out all your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. You will never exhaust the subject. It is continually being renewed. People who have no secrets from each other never want for subject of conversation. They do not weigh their words, for there is nothing to be held back; neither do they seek for something to say. They talk out of the abundance of the heart, without consideration they say just what they think."

New Attitude

2010-05-02T06:38:00.000-07:00

I said before that I am a Navy wife and stay at home mom. I have another title that is of even more importance than both of those. I am a child of God. A born again believer saved by grace and sacrifice. God is faithful to me and has given me way more chances than I deserve, yet I continue to ask for more. I know God will always be there so I use that as an excuse to live my life according to me.
"I'll read my Bible tomorrow"
"I'll go to church next week"
"I'll pray when I have something important to say"
Laziness has been my biggest stumbling block my entire life. I just simply do not want to put forth the time or effort to do what I need to do.
Well, I've decided to ask the Lord for another chance. To try again. To strengthen my relationship with the Lord in obedience and faithfulness, even when I don't feel like it. It is a daily choice that I need to make. I am choosing to change my attitude and focus on the good in my life instead of the bad. I have been struggling for years with unhappiness, borderline depression. I think much of that is too much focus on circumstances and the things I cannot change. Moving away from family and friends and bitter because I have no one to talk to or hang out with. Nothing to do except sit around at home. I need to choose to make the best of what I am given. Not complain that no one is around. Open myself up and try new things, go places and try to meet new people. I need to live the life I have now instead of wishing for different circumstances. I need to accept the way things are. Live the life I have, not the life I'm wishing for. I think I have been focused on the wrong things and searching for answers in the wrong places. God is the answer. I knew it all along, He's always the answer, He's the Only answer. But, I wanted to find another way myself. I hold no power though, so I don't know why I would look to myself.
Why the desire to change my attitude? My daughter. She is my inspiration to be the best I can be. I am her example, her teacher, her guide. She learns by hearing and watching ME.
My priorities need to be put back in place.
Bottom line: Trust God for my needs; He already knows what they are.

Stepping into the Blogging World

2010-05-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Hello there bloggers/readers. I am new to the blogging world.
Why start a blog? I would like to share my experiences and thoughts with anyone who cares to listen.
Why would anyone want to read about my life? I have no idea.
I'll say this though...I think people look for something or someone they can relate to. Everyone likes to be encouraged and everyone likes to be inspired. My desire is to express honesty and truth as I see it, even when that's hard to do. I've spent a long time appearing on the outside to have it all together, while secretly breaking inside. It's hard to show vulnerability and weakness. We don't want to broadcast our problems....what would people think? We live in a very judgmental world, that's the truth. We put on armor and put up walls to protect ourselves, allowing very few people into our world. We keep them at a distance.
The truth is I don't have all the answers. I'm 27 years old and still learning who I am. I have so much to learn and more growing up to do. I have doubts about myself as a person, and as a wife and mother. Am I doing the right thing and making the right decisions? I'm still discovering how I can be the best I can be and I am far from it.
I am a Navy wife and a stay at home mom. Both can be isolating and lonely. It's hard moving away from family and friends, forced out of your comfort zone. Everywhere I move I have to start over. Making new friends can be hard for me because I am pretty shy. I am thankful for the opportunity to stay at home with my daughter; being able to experience all my daughter's "firsts" and daily growth. It is hard though. Nothing but toddler talk all day, no adult interaction or stimulation. Cleaning, laundry, walking the dog, etc. Life has become mundane. Same thing every day, no change....nothing exciting. I need to bring joy back into my life. Happiness is conditional but true joy is lasting.