New Year, Same Me

New Year, Same Me

I've definitely been that person with the list of all the resolutions I'm going to make, and ways I'm going to change as of the first of the new year. As if that is such an easy thing, like the flipping of a light switch. I've done it every year for as long as I can remember. The list usually consists of of about fifteen things and by the end of the year I average about two things that I can check off. Quite unsatisfying. I have astronomically high expectations of myself as well as how I want my life to be, which is always a dangerous thing. And every year January 1st rolls around and I truly would expect that I would radically change. That motivation, determination, and desire would be strong enough to reroute all my bad habits. That I would appear to have it all together instantly in a pretty package. That the bad habits of laziness, procrastination and disorganization would vanish, and my mind would have the power to instantly and immediately start over fresh as of this day. And every year this lasts for about seven days if I'm lucky. I put in a google image search for "new year same me", the title I wanted to give this post. The image at the top of this post was one of the results. I am. That by itself is so powerful, but what do I put after that? What am I now? What do I want to be? Polar opposite answers. Do you ever have desires for a big, huge change? Like life-altering? You get stuck in a rut with the monotonous routine and just need to shake things up a bit. But at the same time, the idea of a major life-altering change is frightening. The anticipation and fear of the unknown are powerful forces that can both yield vulnerability. Vulnerability means weakness to many. Something that's been on my mind for months now is what "living" means to me. The past few years I haven't been doing this, I've grown accustomed to "surviving". How long until the adapting phase is over? How long til the idea that the stable foundation that I stand on metaphorically is gonna shake and crumble underneath me? How long til I can look in the mirror and accept who I see in the reflection? And how long can I avoid it? Will the feeling of brokenness ever go away? And will the fear that it won't ever subside? I am. Maybe that will be something to work on this year. Adding to it. I've been trying for many years to be somebody else. Nobody in particular, just someone other than myself. Why? Because myself has too much damage and brokenness that is far beyond repair. The only big enough answer to mend this would be God. Yet I still seclude myself and can't quite let go enough to let Him in. New Year means time is moving forward as it always does. There are no guarantees of the future. Quotes and sayings surround us...no time like the present...time flies...make every moment count. I live in the sunny state of Arizona, where the warmth blankets your skin. Yet I feel a dark gray cloud lives above my head and follows me around. Hope for a turnaround is still there thankfully, but as time moves on that hope dims a little more. However, since it's still there I'm gonna draw from it and hope that this year will be a brighter one. Much of that rests on me and my attitude and the choices that I will make. Realign where my focus is and change my attitude towards things. Change begins with me and starting with the things I am in control of. Or is it the other way around and learning to let go of control when things shift? Well, this whole "I am" thing definitely has me thinking. Cheers to your new year, my friends.

Acknowledging Progress

Tonight I sat down and officially and seriously began working on my book that I want to write. In the past few months I have jotted down some notes on possible title and chapter names, but today I got out all my journals and read through previous things I have written to begin breaking down sections and forming some kind of outline. I tell myself that I can do this, half-believing it of course, but it's a start. I have struggled with this idea and desire to write a book because I haven't been able to narrow down a theme to focus the book around. Well, reading through my journals and writings, it is clear to me that there are three themes. They definitely intertwine at times but can also be their own separate thing as well. All three themes are about my personal journey through these three different aspects of my life. My fear that no one will be interested in what I have to say is still there, but my desire to write is becoming more dominant all the time. I am pushing through the fear one baby step at a time.
Now, I want to talk about my journals. As I was reading through them, I was able to see and appreciate how far I have come since my darkest days that began about five years ago. There is most definitely a journey that slowly progresses and goes through stages. I can see a separation between then and now. Though it is not a night and day distinction, it is still there, and for that I am grateful. Re-reading the emotion-filled rantings of desperate pleas and angry outbursts as well as loneliness and hopelessness was eye-opening. It was really, really sad actually. This person was so lost and just miserable, but her perspective was so off. She couldn't help herself, she was sinking in a sea of quicksand. I can't believe that was me. I am grateful that I feel I have moved on from that part of my life. I am thankful that I now have a glimmer of hope. That there is still possibility for me. That if I change my perspective and open up my mind and my heart, things can get better. And they have. I thank God for that. I pray and I feel restored. I am trying to see myself in a way that I think God might see me. Through His eyes and not through my own flawed ones. I am a vessel; that's what I am. I am what I am. No over-estimation; no under-estimation. I don't have to be what I was or even what I am now. I can choose what I am to be. And teaming up with God opens things up to even more possibilities. This is the way I want things to be. This is how I choose for things to be. It is not too late for me. There is still time. It's all about making the choice. Removing the pressure. Removing the expectations. Enough with the over-analyzing and micromanaging. When I have questions and need some direction and guidance, I know where to go. I am feeling positive and hopeful and I'm grateful for that.

I'm Coming Back Soon

Hello dear bloggers,
How have you all been? It's been a long time and I've missed reading your thought-provoking stories and encouraging words in your blogs. Thank you to any of you still willing to follow me after such a long silence. I'm here to give you a message....I'm coming back to blogging, I'm also here to tell you why the absence. So, here goes...
Those of you who used to read my blog regularly, and I know who you are, know that I've struggled for a while with the trials of being a stay at home mother to a toddler as well as feeling very run down. After much time, I decided to get some help, because whatever I was doing just wasn't cutting it. This was a difficult decision for me. But at that point, I had reached rock bottom and I had zero to lose. I decided to see a counselor. It was very helpful and felt comfortable right away, oddly very comfortable pouring out my problems...probably because I have a habit of keeping them bottled up. It was very helpful to me. He told me to get evaluated by a physician, so I did. I was told I had postpartum depression as well as a very high anxiety disorder. That explains a lot. So, I began taking medication and seeing my counselor once a week and my doctor once a month as well. I am doing better these days but it is a slow process. It was a gradual fall, so it must take a gradual climb to heal the bruises and scars. I'm glad I did it and I feel I have a message to share with so many out there who feel lost like I did. Who hate what they see in the mirror and wonder what point there is to keep on going. It was a scary time. But I have hope. Hope in my future. I've learned much about my life and who I really am. Not the me I pretended to be but what I really want and what's really important. I thought I knew myself but I really didn't. That's where the counseling really helped. Not sure why counseling gets such a bad rap. It's quite educational.
My relationship with God is distant at the moment, but my faith is not gone. I know He is still there as always and He hears me when I call to Him. What saved me from going further down that road? I don't know. I still don't. I did pray over and over...so maybe God delivered me from my pain. I say God is the answer when you don't see an answer.
Anyway, moving on....we are moving to California and I can't wait to go! To leave this place filled with bad memories can't come soon enough. But I've really missed blogging and journaling my thoughts and reading about yours too. So the crazy fun of the holiday is coming soon and once things settle down I will be returning to blogging after the new year.
I have hope in my future and I can't wait to see what's in store for me. Just because I am imperfect and have countless flaws, doesn't mean my life isn't important, which I once thought was so. I've decided to embrace life. To watch my daughter grow up and grow old with my husband. To share with people my story and find the voice within myself.
I have small accomplishment to share. I finished school and got a diploma in medical transcription after two years. I did it all on my own and passed with a 92 average. I also have decided to pursue my dream of being a writer. It is my passion and I hope I can believe in myself enough to realize that there is much power through words and writing. I choose to use that power for good and share my message through my journey I've been on.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season! You'll be hearing from me soon!