Tired

Yes, I am tired. In a deep sense of the word. Exhausted, fatigued, weary. Physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. Such an easy response to the "are you okay" question. Just tired. It's a great answer because everyone already knows what that answer entails. But does the assumption fit the reality? Tired because I have trouble sleeping? I have trouble sleeping because most of the time I sleep on the couch because that's where I am most comfortable emotionally not physically. I don't like sleeping in my bedroom. Most bedrooms in fact. I have bad memories of bedrooms. When I do sleep it is a restless one. A lot of tossing and turning and waking up multiple times. This has sadly become a regular part of my life. Also for the past few years I've discovered I grind my teeth when I sleep resulting in a sore mouth and jaw when I wake up. Tired of the daily, monotonous routine of no routine. Desiring so much more but laziness, fear, procrastination all get in the way. I am my biggest stumbling block to my own happiness. Laziness because I want a change, any change, and it needs to be a big one; but I don't want to put in the effort or work to make one. Fear because change means different, which is out of my comfort zone and familiarity. Fear that what I want in my life I can't obtain because I don't have what it takes to obtain it. Procrastination because there is always tomorrow and next week and next month to make the change. I have this delusional idea that I will be a different person and have the things I want in the next few years without knowing how it happened. It will just happen somehow. Sounds immature, I know. I'm tired of not having things the way I want them to be, yet tired that I'm not content and making the best of the way things are. Because the truth is, I have a great life. Everything that I always dreamed I'd have when I was younger. A husband that is my best friend and who is a good father. A child of my own. A beautiful house very close to family. It all looks right on the outside. The perfect picture wrapped up in a pretty little bow. Yet it's not enough. And I'm tired of the lack of fulfillment feeling. It's draining, and hollow. There is a stirring inside, an irritation, and that's how it starts. Then it gets stronger and slowly turns into anger. I'm a pretty quiet person emotionally. I am very good at covering up how I feel and maintaining composure on the outside. Yet on the inside I'm screaming. It's actually quite loud in my head, more often than you'd think. More often than I'd like. I long for quiet. Not only in my surroundings, but inside as well. I'm tired of being tired. What will finally be enough motivation for me to put action behind my words and behind my desires? What will it take? How long can I talk about being tired without doing anything about it? It's been said that if you want a different outcome you must do something differently. There's also the famous mantra that it's never too late. But it's uncomfortable. But I'm too tired today. But it won't happen overnight it will take time. But I don't feel like it. But I'm not good enough. But I've never done it before. The poisonous words I tell myself that cripple any type of motion forward. God tells us to keep our eye on the prize. To follow the straight and narrow path. To look on things above and not below. Such simple truths and yet I am still distracted by "things". Realigning my perspective is the key I think. The bigger picture. I guess we'll see. Time will tell. But God, the universe, luck, fate, and all outside forces can't do all the work, right? I've got to do my part right? It all comes back to choices doesn't it? Opportunity knocks, you answer. A door opens, you walk through it. Something must be done about it. You can't just listen to the knocking or stand still and stare at the door. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Gotta keep moving.

The battle with laziness

I think I am a lazy person. It's the thing about me I have come to loathe. Now, I am a stay at home mom, so that in and of itself is a big job, and I handle the things that come with the job, but in my opinion, I do the bare minimum. I am my toughest critic, and I want to do more and do better. If perfection is unattainable, then there is always room for improvement. It is my own fault for being lazy. I think I base far too much on my emotions and how I feel at the time. I am lazy because I don't feel like doing things...plain and simple. I need to make the choice to take care of my responsibilities, whether I feel like it or not. I have been blessed with so much, and I need to take care of those blessings to the best of my ability...my husband, daughter, home, and even myself. I need to learn to include myself on the priority list, because if I don't take care of me, I can't take care of my family or my home unless my mind and my heart are in the right place. I need to find the proper balance. I can't spend all my time doing chores and cleaning because I neglect the most important people in my life and I end up feeling like a maid. I can't spend all my time on the people I love because the laundry piles up and the house becomes a chaotic mess. I need to put the Lord back in His rightful place at the top of my list, because He is the reason I have all these blessings. He is the ultimate navigator when I've lost my way, and man am I lost. He is whispering to me to come back to Him and I cover my ears and reply with a "later", and it has led me to unhappiness and loneliness and feelings of emptiness. Why don't I pray and read my Bible, even though I know I will be refreshed and my perspective will be re-aligned? Simple....because I don't feel like it. I need to make the choice to do the right thing, even when I don't feel like it, because the root of laziness is selfishness. It makes me feel good for this moment to sit and watch TV or read a magazine, rather than read my Bible or play with my daughter, or empty the dishwasher. Instead, I need to choose my daughter, because she will be off to school in a few years and all this free time with her will be a memory that I didn't fully utilize. I need to take care of the house, maybe put on some favorite music to make it more fun so it's not so boring. I need to force myself to get up a bit earlier in the day to pray and read to start my day off with the right focus and attitude. I need to make myself take care of my health by remembering to take necessary vitamins and eating and drinking properly to give me the energy to keep up throughout the day. It's all about choice. Choose to be lazy or choose not to be.