Failed Blog Resolution

Well, it looks like I've failed my New Year's resolution to write a blog post every day this year. I've definitely been shying away from blogging as you can see from the gaps in time between blogs. I am continuously asked if I'm writing and if I'm writing on my blog again and the answer is always no. Not sure why I avoid it when writing is such a release for me. It's a comfort, form of expression, and good practice on my quest to becoming a writer. Maybe it's laziness. Or the dreaded fear of no one caring about what I have to say. I think that is something everyone can relate to. What in the world do I have to say that anyone is going to care about? Why would someone care about what kind of day I had or what I'm thinking about? I guess the key is to remember why I write....for me. It's therapeutic and thoughts take on new meaning when they are put into words in front of you to see. I'm actually a very internal person. I process internally and say very little. I'm a very poor talker, which is why I turned to writing. When I audibly speak, my words come out jumbled and twisted and far from how they begin in my thoughts. But when I write, it flows like running water...smooth and clear. I hope so anyway :) What am I so afraid of when I blog? Well, I keep a few journals at home that I write in too. Not as regularly as I should or would like to, but more often than I blog. The thing is, fear of judgment is very real to me. And I'm not so fearful of judgment from strangers as I am from people I know such as family and friends. I think there is an image that we put up for all to see, and we build on what we want people to see. We try to control how much of ourselves we reveal. After all, what would people think of us if they know the whole truth? What's really going on beneath the surface. Those dark emotions and dark thoughts that we all have, how do we release them? There must be an avenue of escape before they explode out of us after being bottled up. And blogs are great, in that we can express ourselves behind the safety of a screen. But, what about the things inside us that might be socially unacceptable? The things that are uncomfortable to talk about? What about those things? The things that make us real....flawed....human. What about those? The danger and curiosities. The things we secretly wish but would never tell. People's feelings might be hurt. They would look at us differently. Think less of us. How unimaginable to tarnish that precious image we fight so hard to display. But, what about the saying that the truth shall set us free? Is that a blanketed statement meaning ANY and ALL truths? Where is the socially accepted line that shouldn't be crossed? And free from what exactly? From the internal chains that bind us and enclose us and free us from feeling trapped? The American Dream is that anything is possible, right? But, not really ANYTHING, right? That's where we're stuck. Sure anything is possible, but not for me. I don't have the money or the time or the ability or the intelligence. What limits do we put on ourselves? I put many limits on myself. It goes back to the fear of failure, doesn't it? It always goes back to that. Failing people we care about and failing ourselves. Why bother even trying? Why putting forth  time, money and hard work when the chances of succeeding and my true desires coming true are so slim? Because of the possibility of something more. More fulfillment. More reward. More opportunity. To not be stuck somewhere because it's the easier thing and it's more convenient. So, the real reason I don't blog more is this...what I write about is about something more. I can't seem to write about everyday things. My writing is my release and it must reflect the things that I need to express. Many times those thoughts are very heavy and I've been told that sometimes they are too heavy. My fear is that most people don't want to hear about that stuff. They want to hear about how things are going to get better, that people can change and situations can change. We all want to hear that. So, why not write about those things? Because that's not me. I must challenge myself to get past my fear and realize that maybe by sharing myself more, people can find a way to relate by reading something that we all tend to feel but are too afraid to say out loud. At the core, we are all the same. We want to be accepted and loved. We want happiness and at the end of our time we want to look back and say "I had a good life". Not perfect, but good. I want that. In order for that to happen to me though, I think I have to push myself to go to uncomfortable places. To stretch and challenge myself. To better myself and really put forth effort towards the things I really want. Then, at the end of my life, at least I will have peace that I tried. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Words we live by. Well, my friends, I am going to try and face my fear and be less afraid of what people think and be true to myself. So, let me ask you....what fears are holding you back from what you truly desire? Thank you as always for listening :)

365 Posts for 2013

Well, hello everybody. It's been a long time I see. I didn't realize just how long it has been until just now when I saw the date of my last post. And what a year not to post. Let's just say I had a lot to write about. I just never did. Nevertheless, it's a new year and I want to take writing to another level. Those of you who regularly read my posts and those of you who know me personally, know by now that my dream is to be a writer. The extent of what kind, is yet to be determined. However, it is clear to me that it's what I'm meant to do. So, here I am at 6:30am, on the first day of the new year. I've decided to start back up again on my blog with a challenge to myself. I am going to write a post every single day this year, whether I feel like it or not. I've read many, many books on writing and how to be a successful writer. Every single one of them state strongly that in order to be a good writer, you must write constantly. I've actually been asked by many friends why I stopped posting on my blog and if I still write. The answer is yes, I still write. Not as much as I should or would like to. I stopped posting on my blog because most of the things I write about are very, very personal. My writing is vulnerable and I write about a lot of stuff  most people in my life do not know about. Why not share it? Well, in the past, fear of judgment and giving people close up access to deep, dark places in my life. But isn't that what all good writing is about anyway? For the writer, it's about unleashing inner emotions and thoughts. For the reader, it's about a connection to something beyond the page; beyond the words of the subject matter. I can't be 80 years old and still be saying I want to be a writer. There must be progress. So, this is me taking a step forward. Sharing with you my upcoming year. I know you missed last year, but this year couldn't possibly be worse. In fact, I would like to start the new year off right, in saying that this year I plan to take steps toward healing, and moving on from the past. Not forgetting it, or the mistakes and hurt and pain that came with it, but to no longer allow it to hold power over the present. I want this year to be a year of change for me, from the inside out. As a person, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a child of God, and all of the other roles that I have. I will share with you that my biggest weakness is also my most hated trait about myself. It has been the Achilles heel of my life. Lack of follow-through. It stems from laziness. Great ideas that lead to nowhere. A decision that is never carried out. To put something off until the next day, week, or month. This year I want to make a conscious effort to work on that. To become more productive. Despite however I may appear, like most people, I am very hard on myself. To the point where, for an entire year, I did not look in a mirror because I hated what I saw so much. I've come far from that point to a place of acceptance. To have peace within myself. Believe me, it has taken many years to get to this point, and it was a path of self-hatred and self-destruction. Words I live by; they are my own: if perfection doesn't exist and is unattainable, there is always room for improvement. I will never be perfect, but that means I can strive to better myself and grow and improve on weak areas in my life. I've also learned to find what few strengths I have, and maximize and extend them towards other avenues in life.
So, anyway, I am re-opening my blog this year. I hope you come on this journey with me. I am nervous to let you inside my thoughts, but risks can bring forth great rewards, right?
I'm going to end each post with a concluding message to you, my readers.
Today's is: Happy New Year to you. Some people make resolutions for the new year or goals to work on. Tell me one of yours. If you are not one to make resolutions, I would ask you to simply think to yourself how you would like either yourself or your life to be different from this time next year. Life is short. As we've read in headlines the past few months, there is a lot of negative in the world. It's time to embrace the good and strive to better ourselves. After all, that is all we can be accountable for, nobody else.