Stop the Noise

Not sure what's happening lately, but I am growing weak and tired and frazzled. I am not sleeping well and my patience is running dry. I can't think straight because there is so much noise. Noise of the tv always on, which was once comforting in keeping me company and not feeling lonely, but now has become a nuisance....everything, and I mean everything annoys me...the neighbors and loud vehicles outside, the phone ringing, the dog barking......but the most disturbing noise of them all....the noise that won't stop....the noise that bothers me more than anything...brace yourselves because this isn't pretty....it's the sound of my daughter's voice never ceasing. I know, I know, but I can't help it. It's overwhelming me. So many people have it so much harder than me, but having a two year old is just running my resources dry. She went 5 hours straight talking without a break (that's right...I know what I typed), all the while in a voice that is about 10 decibels louder than I am comfortable with. She isn't a child that stays still and quietly watches a movie or playing with her toys...she has to be entertained at all times and can't be still, she has to be moving and running around and goes from one thing to the next out of boredom. What has happened here? I loved being a stay at home mom when she was an infant and didn't talk and didn't walk. It was controlled and managed. Am I not cut out for this? Do I not have enough patience for this? I long for the day when she can be more independent...go to the bathroom herself, feed herself, play by herself, so I can go back to doing my own thing. I mean, how selfish is that? I've been told so many times that I'm gonna miss this time. When she goes to school and doesn't need me anymore I will miss the days where I am wrapped around her finger and am her whole world. I just don't feel that way right now. Maybe I need to ask God to change my heart. A lot of times I feel like a single parent on my own. Eric works nights so he sleeps in late and then sometimes he goes running before work, so really he only has a couple hours to help me during the day and he's usually doing his own thing..either with the computer or the truck or the tv. I need more breaks I think. We don't have family or friends around that we trust yet to babysit Becca, so I don't get any breaks except for when we visit one of our parents who help out sometimes in watching Becca. I just feel like a well run dry, or a car running on empty. I don't feel depressed or sad, because I have much to be thankful for and am past hating myself. I have gained a lot of acceptance of who I am and am still in that process, I just feel a bit maxed out. There is just no balance in my life. It's hard sometimes being a military wife. And I struggle with adapting to my situations. It comes very difficult for me and it takes me a long time. Maybe it's a time management problem. If I utilize my time better when Becca is asleep, I can make the time to focus on me instead of filling it with things that need to be done. I feel I've been neglecting myself and my own needs to serve everyone else's. Like when you don't eat for days and your system shuts down and you grow weak and tired and lack energy...that's how I feel. Something's gotta change around here.

Learning to Manage Stress

It's been a tough couple of weeks. I haven't really written much or been checking up on my favorite blogs that I follow. Not that I don't care or don't have anything to say, I feel my head is just a bit jumbled and in a fog right now. You know when you just have so much on your mind it kind of becomes a big blur and all the separate issues just combine into a hazy mess of thoughts? I struggle to find where to start and how to form it into words and sentences. All these issues I've been stressing over just all combined together at one time. They are not small issues, every single one is life-altering in a huge way and they involve my life as well as people I am very close to. It was starting to affect my health with headaches, sleeplessness and backaches as well as struggling to focus and lack of patience with daily things around the house. I am an emotional stress mess. The way I relieve stress is to talk about it and then I feel a release within me. I can't really do that this time around because some of these stressers deal with other people's lives that I have been asked not to repeat. I need to lift up all of these stressers to God, because He is the only one who can handle this because it is simply too much for one person to carry. For any of you willing, please pray that I can give these burdens to God instead of trying to handle everything on my own strength which is clearly not willing. I am very stubborn, and though I know in my head what to do, my will is stubborn and addicted to being in control. I need to trust God and let go instead of having to have all the answers immediately. I also can't stress about things beyond my control, especially when it's a decision that someone else has to make in their own lives. We can't always save someone, they need to save themselves or see that they need to be saved. I can only be responsible for myself and my actions and decisions. What's done is done and needs to be left in the past...not question things and go down the "what if?" lane. What is the piece of advice everybody always gives?.....one day at a time, focus on one thing at a time or it is too overwhelming. I, myself have said it, but I struggle to live it. It all makes sense in my head, and words of wisdom come to mind at the right time that I need it, but putting those thoughts into action in my life is a totally separate thing. It's so hard to actually do it for some reason. I will keep working on it. I need to ask God for help with it because I believe He can help equip me with the right shoes to walk on this stony path. Now if only I could do more than just talk about what I want to do and say all the right things, if only I could apply it to my life and do it and take my own advice. Time will tell....