A Few Hours to Myself

I’ve really missed blogging and would like to find my way back into it. I took a break for a couple months  from both writing and reading blogs. For some reason I just wanted to be by myself. A lot of times when I get stressed and overwhelmed I shut down and hide in my own little corner of the world. I also have this insecurity about my writing in that I feel I don’t have anything important to say. But on the other hand, am I writing for my readers or for myself? Anyway, during this time off from blogging I didn’t really want to talk to anyone or talk about anything. I wanted to escape. Truth is I really don’t have a clue what I want. Like today, Becca was being really loud and I’m always wishing for some quiet time to myself. So, Eric was home and he offered to take her into town because he had to go to a specific store. I was looking forward to a quiet couple of hours to myself. So, I packed up some stuff for him to bring with him, kissed them goodbye and closed the door. As I watched her walk away from me in her daddy’s arms with her tiny arms wrapped around his neck, a mix of emotions suddenly overcame me. The house to myself! To do whatever I wanted. Yet there was an immediate feeling of emptiness. I plopped down on our uncomfortable couch to decide what to do with my time. It took all of three minutes to miss Rebecca. Well, I’ll just use this time to catch up on my TV shows I recorded. So, I watched them but felt very unsettled and not calm. Wondering in the back of my mind if they were alright. Said a prayer that they would be safe out there and not get into an accident. Not sure why that popped into my mind. I got nothing done except free up some space on my DVR. Then I hear the faint sound of a car door shut. Could that be them? Are they home? Hooray! At last! They came through the door and I felt relieved. I swoop up my little girl and shower her with hugs and kisses.  Be careful what you wish for. My time alone wasn’t what I imagined it would be. It was oddly unsettling. Maybe I like the security of the routine and mundane day I know to expect. It is safe and familiar and I am in control of all things involving my daughter. I guess I really don’t want the house all to myself. Or maybe it was just an off day. I guess I underestimate how connected I am with my daughter. She really does light up my world. Frustration and all.

Thoughts in the Car

 Finally, some time for myself. No husband, no dog, no daughter. Just me, myself and I. How exciting! It's been a while. I had some store credit at Kohls that I wanted to use to take advantage of a sale that was going on yesterday. My husband, Eric, got home from work at 4:30pm. It was a little later than I was hoping to leave but Becca (my daughter) was still napping and I knew she'd be awake any minute, so the time to leave was now. It is a 40 minute drive to the nearest shopping center so I popped in one of my favorite CD's....Taylor Swift "Fearless". I enjoyed the ride as I listened to the music. Finally arriving into town the second to last song came on and started playing. It's called "The Best Day." For those of you who don't know it, Taylor Swift wrote it for her mother about her childhood memories with her. I cry every single time I hear it. I can definitely relate. As I continued driving, I recalled my own childhood memories with my mom. Oddly enough, my fondest and most treasured memories with my mom are the quiet ones......Two years ago, after dinner, we took a walk around her neighborhood sipping iced coffee talking about random things...Going away to college, first time living away from home and receiving letters from my mom daily....Moving out to California and being home by myself in an unfamiliar, new place and calling her in the middle of the night because I was afraid...she stayed on the phone with me for three hours until I was ready to go to sleep.....My younger years, sitting at the kitchen table while she washed the dishes and I told her about my day at school....Watching a movie together. Thinking about these moments, I hope I am as good a mom to my daughter. My mom is my inspiration. I hope my daughter and I have a close bond like I have with my mom. She is truly one of my best friends. I don't need to be the most fun mom, or the coolest mom, or the most stylish mom....my goal is for my daughter to grow up to be a good person and for her to be able to say "my mom is always there for me when I need her."
So, I arrived at Kohls and spent my store credit on a handful of things. Back to a 40 minute drive home. The ride back I listened to the same CD again starting at the beginning (I told you it's one of my favorites). I was feeling pretty great. I rarely get alone time. Time for me. Free from worrying and stressing about everyone else. I was enjoying every second of this. What a beautiful day. Sun shining and accompanied by a nice breeze. I rolled down my windows in the car, which I never do for fear of my hair getting messed up. But in that moment, I didn't care. It was so refreshing to feel the air on my face and through my hair. Smell the trees and grass and all the smells around me. I felt like I was floating down the road. No traffic, no stoplights or stop signs, no other cars. Just me.  It became so overwhelming the freedom I felt in that moment, I began to cry. So thankful for this peaceful moment. I wished there were more like this. It was such a freeing moment.
Being a stay at home mom is hard. Always taking care of a child, dog and husband 24/7. That means my mind is constantly revolved around everything that encompasses them. They are what's important and I am last.
So, I pulled up to our house; back to reality and responsibilities. As soon as Becca saw me her face lit up with excitement. She ran to me at full speed and flew into my arms and hugged me so tight. Our dog, Max, greeted me with the same excitement...jumping around and wagging his tail so fast I thought he would knock something over. The first words out of my husband's mouth said it all...."Finally you're home." :)
The remainder of the night everyone stuck to me like glue. My daughter wouldn't let me put her down. I sat on the floor and she brought me book after book to read to her as she sat on my lap. Max rested by my side.
I am missed, I am needed, I am depended on, I am loved.
My welcome home was the reminder that I needed that validated my importance to this family, and the time away gave me the endurance that I needed to keep going.