Memorial Day

I am taking pause to remind myself of what this day represents. 

It is a bittersweet day. The sweetness is for celebrating the fact that we can live our lives in freedom. We can have our barbecues and pool parties and shopping sprees in peace and live our every day according to the way we want to. The bitterness is the reason we are able to do these things. It's because of someone else's sacrifices. We silently honor and respect those individuals every day, but today we actively bring attention to them. They give their lives to us every day. These people deserve our respect, honor, appreciation, and gratitude.

 Memorial Day is a day to remember. It's right there in the name. What exactly are we remembering? The men and women who have sacrificed their lives for our freedom, both in their life and from their life. The people whose lives were taken, we think of them. But it doesn't end at the end of their lives. Let's not forget the people they leave behind who are left with grief and losing someone they love so we can live in peace. All those people are someone's sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers.

 Let's remember that the men and women who lost their lives protecting what freedom stands for, lost a future with their loved ones. They knew they were fighting for something more. Something that they were willing to let their life be represented by. That sacrifice meant leaving behind a parent outliving their child. A child growing up without their parent. Those loved ones left behind for a greater cause, doesn't make the hurt go away. And let's not forget that sacrifice doesn't just mean loss of physical life. Let's not overlook the veterans who've served and survived. What about those brave service members who have become disabled? Loss of limbs and body parts, whose lives will never be the same and will have a physical limitation reminding them of their bravery. What about mental, emotional sacrifices? The horror they've seen and experienced, possibly fellow soldiers falling to their death before their eyes. The trauma, the nightmares, the difficulty of experiencing normal life after living the extremely abnormal. It takes a determination, strength, and power we do not know. To brainwash your mind into being okay with killing and fighting back at those trying to take our lives by taking their lives in return. Yet they volunteer to live this life. Unforced. To make their lives a sacrifice. Their bodies, their time away from loved ones, missing out on opportunities and memories, all so we can be free to live our lives as we choose. Not having to fight, because they do it for us. They take that on.

Men and women who are serving and have served your time: Thank you so much for your dedication. Thank you seems not enough. Two tiny words. I appreciate you and honor your service to our country. The sacrifice you make every day to wake up and do your job. It's not just a job. You are heroes. Thank you for making that choice, knowing that it could mean ending your life for the freedom of others. Even those who you don't know. I admire and respect you all. Grateful that I have my life that you work every day to protect. Thank you so very much. I'm so proud to be an American and to live in this country. It is flawed but our lives are our own. We have much more than others do. Thank you for protecting it.

LAND OF THE FREE, BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE

Tired

Yes, I am tired. In a deep sense of the word. Exhausted, fatigued, weary. Physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. Such an easy response to the "are you okay" question. Just tired. It's a great answer because everyone already knows what that answer entails. But does the assumption fit the reality? Tired because I have trouble sleeping? I have trouble sleeping because most of the time I sleep on the couch because that's where I am most comfortable emotionally not physically. I don't like sleeping in my bedroom. Most bedrooms in fact. I have bad memories of bedrooms. When I do sleep it is a restless one. A lot of tossing and turning and waking up multiple times. This has sadly become a regular part of my life. Also for the past few years I've discovered I grind my teeth when I sleep resulting in a sore mouth and jaw when I wake up. Tired of the daily, monotonous routine of no routine. Desiring so much more but laziness, fear, procrastination all get in the way. I am my biggest stumbling block to my own happiness. Laziness because I want a change, any change, and it needs to be a big one; but I don't want to put in the effort or work to make one. Fear because change means different, which is out of my comfort zone and familiarity. Fear that what I want in my life I can't obtain because I don't have what it takes to obtain it. Procrastination because there is always tomorrow and next week and next month to make the change. I have this delusional idea that I will be a different person and have the things I want in the next few years without knowing how it happened. It will just happen somehow. Sounds immature, I know. I'm tired of not having things the way I want them to be, yet tired that I'm not content and making the best of the way things are. Because the truth is, I have a great life. Everything that I always dreamed I'd have when I was younger. A husband that is my best friend and who is a good father. A child of my own. A beautiful house very close to family. It all looks right on the outside. The perfect picture wrapped up in a pretty little bow. Yet it's not enough. And I'm tired of the lack of fulfillment feeling. It's draining, and hollow. There is a stirring inside, an irritation, and that's how it starts. Then it gets stronger and slowly turns into anger. I'm a pretty quiet person emotionally. I am very good at covering up how I feel and maintaining composure on the outside. Yet on the inside I'm screaming. It's actually quite loud in my head, more often than you'd think. More often than I'd like. I long for quiet. Not only in my surroundings, but inside as well. I'm tired of being tired. What will finally be enough motivation for me to put action behind my words and behind my desires? What will it take? How long can I talk about being tired without doing anything about it? It's been said that if you want a different outcome you must do something differently. There's also the famous mantra that it's never too late. But it's uncomfortable. But I'm too tired today. But it won't happen overnight it will take time. But I don't feel like it. But I'm not good enough. But I've never done it before. The poisonous words I tell myself that cripple any type of motion forward. God tells us to keep our eye on the prize. To follow the straight and narrow path. To look on things above and not below. Such simple truths and yet I am still distracted by "things". Realigning my perspective is the key I think. The bigger picture. I guess we'll see. Time will tell. But God, the universe, luck, fate, and all outside forces can't do all the work, right? I've got to do my part right? It all comes back to choices doesn't it? Opportunity knocks, you answer. A door opens, you walk through it. Something must be done about it. You can't just listen to the knocking or stand still and stare at the door. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Gotta keep moving.

Failed Blog Resolution

Well, it looks like I've failed my New Year's resolution to write a blog post every day this year. I've definitely been shying away from blogging as you can see from the gaps in time between blogs. I am continuously asked if I'm writing and if I'm writing on my blog again and the answer is always no. Not sure why I avoid it when writing is such a release for me. It's a comfort, form of expression, and good practice on my quest to becoming a writer. Maybe it's laziness. Or the dreaded fear of no one caring about what I have to say. I think that is something everyone can relate to. What in the world do I have to say that anyone is going to care about? Why would someone care about what kind of day I had or what I'm thinking about? I guess the key is to remember why I write....for me. It's therapeutic and thoughts take on new meaning when they are put into words in front of you to see. I'm actually a very internal person. I process internally and say very little. I'm a very poor talker, which is why I turned to writing. When I audibly speak, my words come out jumbled and twisted and far from how they begin in my thoughts. But when I write, it flows like running water...smooth and clear. I hope so anyway :) What am I so afraid of when I blog? Well, I keep a few journals at home that I write in too. Not as regularly as I should or would like to, but more often than I blog. The thing is, fear of judgment is very real to me. And I'm not so fearful of judgment from strangers as I am from people I know such as family and friends. I think there is an image that we put up for all to see, and we build on what we want people to see. We try to control how much of ourselves we reveal. After all, what would people think of us if they know the whole truth? What's really going on beneath the surface. Those dark emotions and dark thoughts that we all have, how do we release them? There must be an avenue of escape before they explode out of us after being bottled up. And blogs are great, in that we can express ourselves behind the safety of a screen. But, what about the things inside us that might be socially unacceptable? The things that are uncomfortable to talk about? What about those things? The things that make us real....flawed....human. What about those? The danger and curiosities. The things we secretly wish but would never tell. People's feelings might be hurt. They would look at us differently. Think less of us. How unimaginable to tarnish that precious image we fight so hard to display. But, what about the saying that the truth shall set us free? Is that a blanketed statement meaning ANY and ALL truths? Where is the socially accepted line that shouldn't be crossed? And free from what exactly? From the internal chains that bind us and enclose us and free us from feeling trapped? The American Dream is that anything is possible, right? But, not really ANYTHING, right? That's where we're stuck. Sure anything is possible, but not for me. I don't have the money or the time or the ability or the intelligence. What limits do we put on ourselves? I put many limits on myself. It goes back to the fear of failure, doesn't it? It always goes back to that. Failing people we care about and failing ourselves. Why bother even trying? Why putting forth  time, money and hard work when the chances of succeeding and my true desires coming true are so slim? Because of the possibility of something more. More fulfillment. More reward. More opportunity. To not be stuck somewhere because it's the easier thing and it's more convenient. So, the real reason I don't blog more is this...what I write about is about something more. I can't seem to write about everyday things. My writing is my release and it must reflect the things that I need to express. Many times those thoughts are very heavy and I've been told that sometimes they are too heavy. My fear is that most people don't want to hear about that stuff. They want to hear about how things are going to get better, that people can change and situations can change. We all want to hear that. So, why not write about those things? Because that's not me. I must challenge myself to get past my fear and realize that maybe by sharing myself more, people can find a way to relate by reading something that we all tend to feel but are too afraid to say out loud. At the core, we are all the same. We want to be accepted and loved. We want happiness and at the end of our time we want to look back and say "I had a good life". Not perfect, but good. I want that. In order for that to happen to me though, I think I have to push myself to go to uncomfortable places. To stretch and challenge myself. To better myself and really put forth effort towards the things I really want. Then, at the end of my life, at least I will have peace that I tried. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Words we live by. Well, my friends, I am going to try and face my fear and be less afraid of what people think and be true to myself. So, let me ask you....what fears are holding you back from what you truly desire? Thank you as always for listening :)

Shower Me Clean

I love taking showers. It's like an attainable escape. So simple. So ordinary. I turn the silver handle and hear the water pour out. It shoots out and pitter-patters to the bottom of the tub. It's waiting for me. I turn the handle all the way to the left allowing the water to heat up to its hottest temperature. I reach my fingertips in to feel if the water is the temp that I want it. It is. I step in and let the steam surround me. It encompasses me like a warm blanket wrapped around me. I wash and am clean and there is something so wonderful about that. I stand there and close my eyes as the seething water runs down. I close my eyes as it covers my face. I just want to stay in here. The water washes everything away and I am renewed again. I don't have to do anything right now, except just be. An isolated, quiet moment of freedom and peace cut off from the world. I can let my mind escape, even wander to another place. Nothing and nobody to worry about right now. Let go, Alaina, let go. Just for a few moments. Where will my mind run off to? An island perhaps? With the beating heat of the sun that makes you feel as if you're in an open sauna. No worries. In the next moment the water will wash it away.  I am clean. I am pure, just even for these few minutes. I choose to only hear the rush of the water and feel the warmth of the steam. Peace, sweet peace. The tensions release in the toasty steam around me. My body unwinds and I feel relaxation. But my time is up and I must get on with my day. Until next time.

Therapy

Okay, I'm going to reveal something about myself that a lot of people do not know about me. I am currently in therapy. I have been for over a year. It helps me deal with sensitive issues from my childhood, as well as difficulties in my daily life right now. I guess I just wanted to say that it has helped so much more than I expected. I was definitely one of those people who avoided it, for fear of what it meant and fear of being judged when people found out. I felt I was a failure if I went. The first day was a complete surprise. I know it's different for everyone, and some people find it uncomfortable to air their troubles to a stranger; I found it to be the exact opposite. This person doesn't know me, what have I got to lose? I actually enjoyed the opportunity to have an hour to just talk about me and have someone give me undivided attention. It was amazing to me. I just spilled all my issues out with no problem and it was a very freeing feeling. More than anything, it's been a learning experience for me....about myself. And it really is a journey that I've been on. The most surprising thing is how they get you to say those things you're afraid to say out loud and it transforms you. Things that are buried so far deep inside that is difficult to access somehow comes to the surface. But even though it sounds like a bad thing emotionally, it really is a step forward in healing and confronting things that need to be confronted. So, I guess I just wanted to say that I think therapy has gotten a bad rap in the past, but it's a really great thing. It's really helpful. I recommend it if you're struggling and need a little help. What's so wrong with needing help?

Les Miserables

WOW. So, I went to the movies with my Mom yesterday afternoon and we saw the Les Miserables movie. Neither of us had seen the old movie or the play. We both loved it. It was absolutely sensational! The acting was superb and so was the directing. The movie was beautifully made. The story was so powerful and moving. It was so intense, that I didn't want to blink for fear of missing something. The actors took acting to a new level with the emotion and rawness that was portrayed. The makeup and scenery and costumes, it all went together beautifully. What a wonderful story of redemption and sacrifice and love. I think it was one of the best movies ever made and definitely one of the best I've ever seen and a new favorite for me. Everyone needs to go see this movie. It's such a beautiful story with so much depth. I hope it sweeps all the awards this year :) For all of you out there who saw it, what did you think?

Enjoying Life Imperfectly

Every January 1st since I can remember, I make this plan that I'm going to somehow start living every day perfectly. Gonna get up early, read my Bible, shower, full face of makeup, hair perfect, clean the entire house, make a perfect breakfast and go through the day the way I "should". After three days, it's basically gone to hell. Not this time. I'm enjoying each day imperfectly.
It's much nicer going through the day without expectation of myself. Just to live the day moment to moment. It's absolutely freeing. Liberating. What a thrill to not plan your day before it even begins.
Enjoying the moments that add up the day, instead of how it may appear on the outside and to other people.