Thursday, February 13, 2014

Having nothing to say

You've probably noticed I haven't been blogging regularly in quite a long time. Everyone's noticed that know me because I hear about it and am asked about it. I find myself not having anything to say, yet inside I feel cluttered with words and thoughts and emotions, but they are jammed on the way out. I live in a lot of solitude and a lot of the time I enjoy it that way. Although when the opportunity presents itself, I end up talking someone's ear off and an explosion of words tumble out of my mouth. I notice that I will talk without even having anything important to say but wishing I had something of substance to talk about. But, for me, blogging is different than talking. I'm not sure this is a popular position based on many blogs I've read that post useless and nonsense material. Blogging is personal though and is a platform for a multitude of purposes. But my blog posts need to mean me. It is a form of sharing, it's true. Sharing of information, opinion, and self. I wish I had more to say than I do. I wish my thoughts and emotions I could make sense of so I could express them. I wish I didn't think and analyze so much. I wish I could see the good in everything and make the most of each moment and be grateful for all the good in my life. Truth is I do have times that I experience this, but they are minimal. The pessimism and boredom takes over and the ruminating begins. Ruminating is a powerful and destructive thing. We are our own enemies. I feed the lesser me and give power to the doubt, fear, and weakness. Not wanting to make the effort or take the time to confront and stand up to it. The thing I wonder is, what kind of me would I be without those stumbling blocks? Will I find the strength and willpower in this lifetime to find out? When will I care enough to make a change? I hope soon.