Sunday, November 7, 2010

Power Struggle

I feel empty and that my soul is dark. The light has gone out and it is just me. The loneliness is like a virus that has overtaken me. I am losing the battle warring within myself. Who is the enemy that I seem to be powerless against? Is it selfishness? Is it the devil? Is it sin? Why do I feel defeated? What is wrong with me? There is very little I am sure of anymore, but one thing is true…I am not living my life…I am surviving…I am existing…going through the day to day motions. Am I depressed or is my loneliness at an extremely unhealthy level? I live like a hermit. No interaction with anyone besides my 2 year old. No adult conversation. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. No challenges. No growth. No obstacles to overcome. No excitement. What a depressing life of a human being. I absolutely do not enjoy my life. Which is a shame because I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. I am sad, but also numb. If I talk about how I feel out loud, my emotions flood out of the crevices within my soul where they hide comfortably. I suppress my feelings and they build and build and one day a small pebble trips me up and causes the emotional volcano to erupt within me. I don’t think anybody really cares about what I’m going through. Most people don’t know what I’m going through so I have no expectations, it is just my wounded spirit that’s sensitive and feeling crushed and overwhelmed. I don’t want people to look down on me or feel sorry for me. I don’t think anybody can help me. My mom thinks I am a victim of circumstance. Living a military life forces us to move very far from family and friends. Doesn’t bother my husband, he makes new friends through work wherever he goes. The adjustment hasn’t been easy for me. But, it doesn’t matter. I’m not the only Navy wife who has to move away from loved ones and start over, so how come I have such a hard time adapting to new things? Why do I pull away and hide instead of being brave and facing new situations like an adult instead of a scared kid? I have a daughter who I need to teach how to live in this world and I am not willing to face the world myself. I miss feeling joy and feeling good about myself. Being the control-freak that I am, I want to fix this all myself, without any help. But I don’t know how. The funny thing is, I haven’t lost hope. I am optimistic that things will get better and that it’s possible my best days are yet to come. I just need to hold on to that hope. Hold it close to me as my source of light when I am walking around in a state of dark fog. Where is my faith in God through all this? I know He is still there and always will be. He is distant and has remained that way for years because of me. I continue to be in a power struggle in wanting full control of my life. Convincing myself that I don’t need Him to have an active role in my life. He is my Heavenly Father and I know He’ll always be there when I need Him, but I want to do everything myself. Maybe I just want to be taken care of but I don’t want to ask to be. I’m so confused and I feel lost. I’ve gotten down on my knees before Him because I know it’s what I need to do, but then I can’t find anything to say or I say what I need to say but don’t really feel it. Nothing makes any sense.

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Ugly Truth

I’m 28 years old and when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t see a person who has come a long way, I see someone who has fallen off the path. Someone lost and alone, isolated and insecure. I feel the me people see on the outside in no way reflects the me I know is on the inside. They wouldn’t like her, wouldn’t want to be around her, have nothing to learn from her or gain anything from knowing her. How insecure and tarnished is that? What a pity party I’ve made for myself. Could I be any more immature? Have I always been this way? Am I being too hard on myself? I so badly wish I had someone to talk to to drown out the voices in my head that ring “you’re a pathetic loser.” I have become negative and pessimistic. I can’t even stand to be around me, I don’t know why anyone else would want to. I question everything about myself…my intelligence, my abilities, my personality, my talents (or lack thereof), my roles in life (as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend), etc. I feel I am inadequate and not good enough. Do I have the power within myself to change my life for the better? Am I strong enough to make the choices to change? And change what exactly? On the outside, my life is wonderful, so why am I so unhappy? Why not choose to be happy? Sadness has become a complacency. It’s much harder and takes more work to be happy and force yourself to be positive and see the good. I’m not sure I have the energy. I’ve gotten used to the sadness, even though it is destructive and a toxin to my soul. It is much more powerful than I thought it could be. The sadness is familiar and if I did something different, what would happen? What is this obsessive need for me to control everything? Maybe I feel a loss of control in life. That is something the Navy takes away from your life I suppose. Why can’t I be more like my husband? Just adapt to new situations and go with the flow. He is successful in just about everything he does in life. I wish I was more like him in that way. What in the world does he see in me? I’m sure he doesn’t want to introduce this insecure, helpless, fragile person as his wife. I don’t want to embarrass him. I want to be strong; someone he wouldn’t look down on, but be proud of and see as his equal. He is light-years ahead of me and I am just another person in the house to take care of. I don’t want to be an unhappy person. That’s not a way to live life. I want to enjoy my life. What’s it gonna take? How do I feel okay pouring out such vulnerable feelings to all of you, many of whom know me personally? Do I fear judgment? A little. I do care what other people think and I want to be liked. But now….I’m not sure I know anyone whose judgment would be more painful than my own judgment of myself. You know that saying “you’re your own worst enemy”? I definitely am living that statement.