Power Struggle

I feel empty and that my soul is dark. The light has gone out and it is just me. The loneliness is like a virus that has overtaken me. I am losing the battle warring within myself. Who is the enemy that I seem to be powerless against? Is it selfishness? Is it the devil? Is it sin? Why do I feel defeated? What is wrong with me? There is very little I am sure of anymore, but one thing is true…I am not living my life…I am surviving…I am existing…going through the day to day motions. Am I depressed or is my loneliness at an extremely unhealthy level? I live like a hermit. No interaction with anyone besides my 2 year old. No adult conversation. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. No challenges. No growth. No obstacles to overcome. No excitement. What a depressing life of a human being. I absolutely do not enjoy my life. Which is a shame because I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. I am sad, but also numb. If I talk about how I feel out loud, my emotions flood out of the crevices within my soul where they hide comfortably. I suppress my feelings and they build and build and one day a small pebble trips me up and causes the emotional volcano to erupt within me. I don’t think anybody really cares about what I’m going through. Most people don’t know what I’m going through so I have no expectations, it is just my wounded spirit that’s sensitive and feeling crushed and overwhelmed. I don’t want people to look down on me or feel sorry for me. I don’t think anybody can help me. My mom thinks I am a victim of circumstance. Living a military life forces us to move very far from family and friends. Doesn’t bother my husband, he makes new friends through work wherever he goes. The adjustment hasn’t been easy for me. But, it doesn’t matter. I’m not the only Navy wife who has to move away from loved ones and start over, so how come I have such a hard time adapting to new things? Why do I pull away and hide instead of being brave and facing new situations like an adult instead of a scared kid? I have a daughter who I need to teach how to live in this world and I am not willing to face the world myself. I miss feeling joy and feeling good about myself. Being the control-freak that I am, I want to fix this all myself, without any help. But I don’t know how. The funny thing is, I haven’t lost hope. I am optimistic that things will get better and that it’s possible my best days are yet to come. I just need to hold on to that hope. Hold it close to me as my source of light when I am walking around in a state of dark fog. Where is my faith in God through all this? I know He is still there and always will be. He is distant and has remained that way for years because of me. I continue to be in a power struggle in wanting full control of my life. Convincing myself that I don’t need Him to have an active role in my life. He is my Heavenly Father and I know He’ll always be there when I need Him, but I want to do everything myself. Maybe I just want to be taken care of but I don’t want to ask to be. I’m so confused and I feel lost. I’ve gotten down on my knees before Him because I know it’s what I need to do, but then I can’t find anything to say or I say what I need to say but don’t really feel it. Nothing makes any sense.

Re-Enlistment

My handsome husband has been in the Navy now for 10 years. I still can't believe it whether I say it, hear it or read it. I've been by his side supporting him the whole time. I fully support this decision to re-enlist and continue on the military journey. I know he wants to make this his career. He excels in what he does and I know he enjoys the majority of it. It comes with a price, involving much sacrifice in our lives, but it works for us. We've made it this far and have learned how to adapt. It's not easy, but there are tremendous benefits and the Navy provides a pretty decent life. I am so proud of him and have a great deal of admiration and respect as he continues without complaint. It was very moving to watch him re-take his oath during his re-enlistment ceremony. He takes his job very seriously and understands the greater meaning behind this role.

At the end of the ceremony, Becca and I were called up to be given an honorary certificate acknowledging our support. That was a nice gesture that was completely unexpected. Because we spouses do our part too.

 Eric's parents came down for the ceremony. They've gone to every one of them. They are very proud of their son and support him 100%.

My mom also came down for the ceremony. She's never been to one and was so glad she came. She is also very supportive and proud :)

 As you can see, we took the opportunity for some family photo shots. We don't have many with him in his uniform.

Me and my sailor man :) I'm so proud of him. We have a good life together :)

 Becca wasn't really in a picture-taking kind of mood, but that's okay. She was there. And she looked beautiful :)

Questions Answered Part 2

Okay everybody, here are the rest of your questions and my answers. Thank you to all of you who took the time to ask them and/or read them. Now you know a little more about me. Have a great day :)

11. Nine years into your marriage, is military life all you thought it would be? Is it better or worse?
That's tough to say. The military life is not simply black or white, because it's mostly gray. It's not good or bad, there is good and bad to everything, it is what it is. You take what you know and live your life making the best of it. I was 19 when I got married. I was naive and didn't really know what to expect. I didn't know a whole lot about the military before marriage. I guess I didn't really realize how much control the military has on your life. It's impossible to plan anything, and plans already set in motion can change day to day. That is hard to adjust to. When your husband is on a deployment that is only supposed to last 8 months and it ends up being 11, that is hard to adjust to. On the positive side, there is a mutual understanding and a connection that military families have that is wonderful. They stick close together and I have made some one of a kind friendships through that.

12. Where all have you been able to live as a result of the military?
We lived in San Diego, CA for the first 6 years of our marriage. Then we came here to Virginia for Eric's shore duty, where we've been living for the past 2 1/2 years. There are things I've liked and disliked about both places.

13. If you had a day all to yourself, go anywhere, do anything, what would you do and why?
This has been the toughest question to answer out of all of them. There are so many possibilities. When I have time to myself I like to have peace and quiet. So, in this case, I would probably go to one of my favorite places.....go to a Barnes and Nobles and get a drink and a danish and sit and read for a while, then I would go to Old Town Fredericksburg and walk around the town going in and out of antique malls and antique stores which I love to do, have lunch at a coffee house, then see a movie by myself ( I did it once and I loved it!) and get take out dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and come home and eat in the quiet. Light a few candles, maybe read a little or listen to some music. Sounds like a dream just reading it. This would be a great day for me :)


14. What is your favorite and least favorite thing about being a military family or military wife?
My least favorite thing is definitely having to pick up your family and move around so often. I have yet to do this with children, and I am not looking forward to that. 
My favorite thing is the fact that our life means something. Our family sacrifices for our country and it matters. We are making a small contribution to our country's freedoms....even my daughter and I. I am proud of my husband and proud to be a part of the military community. 

15. Where was your favorite assignment/duty station?
Definitely here in Virginia. I did not enjoy living so far away from family and friends in California. I love to visit there, but not to live there.

16. If you could take one thing back that you have done/said in your life so far, what would it be?
I would take back the few mean things I said to my mom when I was a clueless teenager.
I answered this part of the question on a previous question, I wouldn't have done so much physically with boyfriends before marriage. 

17. What is the best thing about being a military wife?
Being married to an honorable military man and being his support so he can do his job the best he can. See question #14.

18. If your husband could be assigned anywhere, where would you want to live?
I don't know, I'm not very adventurous. I don't like living far away from family and friends and being so isolated, it is very lonely. So, maybe the Carolina's...as long as it's someplace that still has seasons. We lived in California, and it was beautiful with perfect weather, but Christmas without snow just isn't for me.

19. Do you have any dreams for the future?
I want my family to be happy. Doesn't matter how much money I have, but that I made the most of my life. I want to challenge myself and be the best person I can be. I don't want to just be planning and working towards the future and end up missing out on enjoying the journey. I want my 30's to be better than my 20's, my 40's better than my 30's and so on. I want to show my daughter the world and fill her life with opportunities and experiences. 

20. Do you have to move often as a Navy wife?
An average military family moves every couple of years. We have moved seven times in my husband's military career. Together, we have lived in California and Virginia, but he has gone on three 10-month deployments and each one I have gone back to New York to live with family. On the upside, every time we move, each new home has been nicer and in a better area than the previous one. New places mean fresh starts, new opportunities and new experiences.