Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Darkness Has Passed

I feel I can breathe again. A weight has been lifted. A lot of people have been worried about me, and for good reason. For those of you praying for me, please don't stop; I need those prayers. Be encouraged that I am doing much better, though I still have far to go. Every journey begins with a single step, right? Well, that first step for me out of the darkness, was to pray. Admissions and confessions long overdue; I simply couldn't continue on the path that I was on any longer. I was exhausted and drained in every way. I needed help. So, I reached out to the most powerful source there is; and He answered and provided immediate relief. The aches and pains and burdens are gone. My pride is extinguished and I am trying to re-focus. I've stopped demanding perfection of myself, because I can never achieve it. I'm learning to ask for help and accept that it's okay that I ask and it doesn't mean I'm being a burden for asking. I've decided to stop pretending that things are okay when they're not. I want to be real. I want to push myself to be better. I know I can do it. So, in the light of the holidays, I want to savor the moments. Cheers to a New Year. Cheers to not allowing the mistakes I've made to define who I am and what I can become. Cheers to new beginnings and challenges for growth and maturity. Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Power Struggle

I feel empty and that my soul is dark. The light has gone out and it is just me. The loneliness is like a virus that has overtaken me. I am losing the battle warring within myself. Who is the enemy that I seem to be powerless against? Is it selfishness? Is it the devil? Is it sin? Why do I feel defeated? What is wrong with me? There is very little I am sure of anymore, but one thing is true…I am not living my life…I am surviving…I am existing…going through the day to day motions. Am I depressed or is my loneliness at an extremely unhealthy level? I live like a hermit. No interaction with anyone besides my 2 year old. No adult conversation. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. No challenges. No growth. No obstacles to overcome. No excitement. What a depressing life of a human being. I absolutely do not enjoy my life. Which is a shame because I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. I am sad, but also numb. If I talk about how I feel out loud, my emotions flood out of the crevices within my soul where they hide comfortably. I suppress my feelings and they build and build and one day a small pebble trips me up and causes the emotional volcano to erupt within me. I don’t think anybody really cares about what I’m going through. Most people don’t know what I’m going through so I have no expectations, it is just my wounded spirit that’s sensitive and feeling crushed and overwhelmed. I don’t want people to look down on me or feel sorry for me. I don’t think anybody can help me. My mom thinks I am a victim of circumstance. Living a military life forces us to move very far from family and friends. Doesn’t bother my husband, he makes new friends through work wherever he goes. The adjustment hasn’t been easy for me. But, it doesn’t matter. I’m not the only Navy wife who has to move away from loved ones and start over, so how come I have such a hard time adapting to new things? Why do I pull away and hide instead of being brave and facing new situations like an adult instead of a scared kid? I have a daughter who I need to teach how to live in this world and I am not willing to face the world myself. I miss feeling joy and feeling good about myself. Being the control-freak that I am, I want to fix this all myself, without any help. But I don’t know how. The funny thing is, I haven’t lost hope. I am optimistic that things will get better and that it’s possible my best days are yet to come. I just need to hold on to that hope. Hold it close to me as my source of light when I am walking around in a state of dark fog. Where is my faith in God through all this? I know He is still there and always will be. He is distant and has remained that way for years because of me. I continue to be in a power struggle in wanting full control of my life. Convincing myself that I don’t need Him to have an active role in my life. He is my Heavenly Father and I know He’ll always be there when I need Him, but I want to do everything myself. Maybe I just want to be taken care of but I don’t want to ask to be. I’m so confused and I feel lost. I’ve gotten down on my knees before Him because I know it’s what I need to do, but then I can’t find anything to say or I say what I need to say but don’t really feel it. Nothing makes any sense.

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Ugly Truth


I’m 28 years old and when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t see a person who has come a long way, I see someone who has fallen off the path. Someone lost and alone, isolated and insecure. I feel the me people see on the outside in no way reflects the me I know is on the inside. They wouldn’t like her, wouldn’t want to be around her, have nothing to learn from her or gain anything from knowing her. How insecure and tarnished is that? What a pity party I’ve made for myself. Could I be any more immature? Have I always been this way? Am I being too hard on myself? I so badly wish I had someone to talk to to drown out the voices in my head that ring “you’re a pathetic loser.” I have become negative and pessimistic. I can’t even stand to be around me, I don’t know why anyone else would want to. I question everything about myself…my intelligence, my abilities, my personality, my talents (or lack thereof), my roles in life (as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend), etc. I feel I am inadequate and not good enough. Do I have the power within myself to change my life for the better? Am I strong enough to make the choices to change? And change what exactly? On the outside, my life is wonderful, so why am I so unhappy? Why not choose to be happy? Sadness has become a complacency. It’s much harder and takes more work to be happy and force yourself to be positive and see the good. I’m not sure I have the energy. I’ve gotten used to the sadness, even though it is destructive and a toxin to my soul. It is much more powerful than I thought it could be. The sadness is familiar and if I did something different, what would happen? What is this obsessive need for me to control everything? Maybe I feel a loss of control in life. That is something the Navy takes away from your life I suppose. Why can’t I be more like my husband? Just adapt to new situations and go with the flow. He is successful in just about everything he does in life. I wish I was more like him in that way. What in the world does he see in me? I’m sure he doesn’t want to introduce this insecure, helpless, fragile person as his wife. I don’t want to embarrass him. I want to be strong; someone he wouldn’t look down on, but be proud of and see as his equal. He is light-years ahead of me and I am just another person in the house to take care of. I don’t want to be an unhappy person. That’s not a way to live life. I want to enjoy my life. What’s it gonna take? How do I feel okay pouring out such vulnerable feelings to all of you, many of whom know me personally? Do I fear judgment? A little. I do care what other people think and I want to be liked. But now….I’m not sure I know anyone whose judgment would be more painful than my own judgment of myself. You know that saying “you’re your own worst enemy”? I definitely am living that statement.    

Friday, October 8, 2010

Becca Updates

First thing first...all Becca's tests came back negative. They checked for kidney and thyroid problems as well as ruling out Celiac's disease to eliminate any of these as factors to her lack of gaining weight. So, that was a huge relief to be told nothing was seriously wrong with her. I am doing my part in what I can to help feed her the right things to help her gain weight. I've been doing research as well as seeking advice from friends and family. A few suggestions that are working....she has pediasure every night before bed; she has two daily vitamins every morning with her breakfast; I've been sneaking in baby food fruits and vegetable purees into her pancakes, pasta sauces, muffins, etc. and I try to put peanut butter on as much stuff as I can ;) It has been very stressful for me because I am concerned for her health and nobody seems to think it's a very big deal. I happen to think it's a very big deal. But, it's true I can be over-dramatic and for some reason everything in life is made out to be this huge ordeal for me. I wish some things could be simpler, although I don't know why I complicate everything.
Anyway, moving on....Wednesday was Becca's first day of daycare. We toured three different daycare facilities and decided on the one we felt the most comfortable with. So, Eric came with me for the first day. We were all nervous, although I don't think Becca realized what was happening. We had been there a few times already so she knew some people and the center fairly well. Still, she's never been away from people that she knows before so it is a huge adjustment for her. She did cry for a few minutes after we left and then she was okay. I told Eric I needed a lot of distractions while she was there. So, he gave me the ultimate distraction...He gave me money to go shopping for new clothes! The perfect remedy! We picked her up a few hours later and got a full report from her teacher. She pretty much kept to herself most of the day, cried a few times off and on, but she had a lot of fun outside on the playground. When she saw us she ran to me in tears hugging me so tight and that's when my emotions started to swell. I held it together all morning with a knot in my stomach  for the time that I was dwelling on it. Trusting the most important part of my life with a stranger that I barely know is not an easy thing at all. And when I pick her up and the sound and sight of my little girl in tears of sadness just makes my heart ache. I cried the way home. I need to continue to remind myself over and over that this is best for her. And I know it is. She just needs some time to adjust to this new change in her life. I don't like change. I usually don't take to it well. My instinct as a mother is to sweep her up and tell her she never has to go again and it will be just me and her and daddy. But that's putting my wants ahead of hers. I guess I just didn't expect my first experience of letting her go to be this early. She's only two years old. Still a little baby in my eyes in a lot of ways. I just want her to be healthy and happy. I don't want to fail her by not exposing her to opportunities or putting her in the wrong environment. I also don't want to cripple her by doing everything for her where she depends on me for everything and can't do anything for herself.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Catch Up

Lots going on over in my household, mostly with me. I toured two different daycare/preschools for Becca. I have narrowed down four in the area that I am interested in. The two that I toured...one I really liked a lot and would be comfortable taking her. She actually played around the kids and seemed okay. The people were very friendly and were talking with her. They have a very structured curriculum that incorporates learning and group activities. Everything I want for my Becca. The other place I toured I didn't like at all. It made me uncomfortable just being there because I felt the workers didn't really want to be there either. So, that's a definite no. I emailed two other places and haven't heard from either one, so I will call them on the phone and see if that works better.
I began making my Christmas cards last week. I have 80 to do and I bought all my paper and ribbon I needed...I already have my stamps I'm going to use. So, that's fun :)
I am getting back into God's Word after a concerned friend help give me a reality check. I am thankful for that friend. God always uses her specifically to help re-align my focus where it needs to be. She is the one friend that I count on to tell me what I need to hear when I don't want to hear it. The bare-bones honest truth. Sometimes you just get stuck on the conveyer belt of life, just coasting, not really going up or down or doing anything meaningful...that's where I was. Just going about my way, doing what I want the way I want it. Nothing harmful, but I was miserable and unhappy. I need to be filled with the spirit and be soaked with God's Word and not allow the ways of the world to cloud judgment and get caught up in materialism and greed and being self-absorbed. But I want to be used by God, so through Him my life will have a higher purpose, be used for good. To look outside my own problems and reach out to others in this world. Use my strengths, instead of dwelling on all my weaknesses. Choosing to have joy and be content with my many blessings instead of throwing myself a pity-party about all the things I'm not happy about and wish were different. I need to focus on the things I can change and make those things better. There is distance in my relationship with God and it is my own fault. He is always there, I put that distance there between us. And it is up to me to put my pride, and ego and self-centeredness aside and acknowledge that I don't know what's best for me and release the controlling hold I have on my own life which is headed for internal destruction. See, you can appear to have it all together on the outside but be broken on the inside. It's called living a lie, and there is a lot of it going on in the world. Very few people have it all together, they are just too afraid to be vulnerable and reach out and be honest about it. Wow, I am getting carried away here, airing it all out at once. It's just a jumbled mess of thoughts with no clarity. I am trying to make some sense in my head and it started by finally beginning to get things right with God. Putting him back in the drivers seat instead of in the trunk. I've been too lazy and stubborn to do the right thing for my life. Wanting to do things my way, without God, and I feel that way leads to a dead-end with a meaningless existence. It is a daily decision to live a spirit-filled life, and it is hard to do the right thing when the wrong thing is so much easier and more comfortable. But it doesn't bring lasting peace or joy. It is just for a moment and then it fades. Things we all have heard a hundred times, but you have to first experience it a hundred times sometimes before it feels true. I am raising a daughter. She is my motivation for everything. I am her example for how to live and what am I teaching her by watching me? So, that is something personal I am going through right now.
Also some not-so-good news about my daughter. She had her two year doctor appointment on monday and it wasn't great. We learned that in one year she has only gained two pounds. She is in the 1% for kids her age. Not good. She is a very fussy eater and she has an over-abundance of energy. I kept track of everything she put in her mouth for a week and wrote it all down for the doctor to see and she said I am doing everything right. But how can that be? So, they drew blood from her and are going to check her kidneys, her thyroid, check for Celiac disease and also check if her metabolism is high. If all that comes back negative, they will check her heart with an echocardiogram. I am very concerned about her and I try everything I can on my part...I give her pediasure, I give her breads and muffins and hide fruits and veggies in them, I give her pastas made with veggies, I give her yogurt and things with peanut butter. If any of you would be so kind, please mention a little prayer for my little Rebecca that we can find a solution. I just want her to be healthy. We should get test results in a week by phone. Thanks for listening. It's nice to have a support system anywhere you can find it. And when you are in the military and move away from family and friends, it is very lonely. I'm glad I've found some virtual friends :)

Friday, September 10, 2010

A Tough Decision

Hello out there,
I have been out of the loop, I know. There is so much going on, it's like a daily whirlwind that is leaving me exhausted at the end of each night. What's so exhausting? Life. hahaha. I really don't have it that hard, I just don't think I'm very tough. So, my latest news is wrestling with a decision I am having to make regarding my daughter, and it is not an easy one. I have decided to put her into daycare part time. Just looking at those words and the thought of handing her over to people I don't know is like gut-wrenching. It's like being punched in the stomach. I am a stay at home mother and I chose to be that so I wouldn't have to make this decision. So why am I? Because I need to put my daughter's needs first. She is restless, un-focused, and needs socialization and interaction with other kids her own age. She is afraid of every adult besides her parents and her grandmother. For the past year she has been behind on her social skills and some developmental areas because of it. I truly think this is the right thing for her. I try my best to take her to the playground, and walks, and do activities with her, but she is still restless. She needs structure and things that will challenge her to grow. It has been so emotional wrestling with this decision. My husband and both of our parents have thought this was the best thing for her as well as her doctor for some time now, I just wasn't ready for my first experience of "letting go" to be this early. Now, we are only looking at part-time so it would only be like 2 days a week. I would still have her home most of the time, but somehow it doesn't help the way I feel. It's all part of the parenting process I suppose. I did throw myself a pity party. Accusing myself of not being enough for her, not doing a good enough job as her mother to provide all of her needs. I just want her to have the best there is and I want her to be healthy and happy. The idea of bringing her to a strange place with people we don't know....I don't want to frighten her or for her to think I won't be coming back. But at the same time, she is so dependent on me it is bordering on an unhealthy level, and it's important for her to learn to do some things on her own. But still, she's only two. May be officially a toddler, but to me, she is my precious baby girl. My joy. My angel. The light that brightens up the room when she smiles. So, today I have an appointment to tour a daycare center. I found four that I approved of based on online reviews and researching their websites. It would be so kind if any of you could mention me in your prayers just once if you remember. Please pray for wisdom to make the right decision for my daughter and to find a place that is trustworthy and will meet her needs and best interests. Thanks for listening :)

Monday, September 6, 2010

Book Review: Writing Down the Bones

This was an amazing book! It is a must read for anyone who writes. It totally captured my passion for writing, as if the author took a microscope to my thoughts on writing and put it into this book. It was very helpful and useful for improving your own writing including tips on how to write to your audience and how to "practice" writing. I never even knew there was such a thing, well I do now. The author speaks very candidly and it is well-written and very inviting to read. It made me want to write even more than I did before I started reading. I definitely recommend this book :)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Re-Enlistment

My handsome husband has been in the Navy now for 10 years. I still can't believe it whether I say it, hear it or read it. I've been by his side supporting him the whole time. I fully support this decision to re-enlist and continue on the military journey. I know he wants to make this his career. He excels in what he does and I know he enjoys the majority of it. It comes with a price, involving much sacrifice in our lives, but it works for us. We've made it this far and have learned how to adapt. It's not easy, but there are tremendous benefits and the Navy provides a pretty decent life. I am so proud of him and have a great deal of admiration and respect as he continues without complaint. It was very moving to watch him re-take his oath during his re-enlistment ceremony. He takes his job very seriously and understands the greater meaning behind this role.
At the end of the ceremony, Becca and I were called up to be given an honorary certificate acknowledging our support. That was a nice gesture that was completely unexpected. Because we spouses do our part too.
 Eric's parents came down for the ceremony. They've gone to every one of them. They are very proud of their son and support him 100%.
My mom also came down for the ceremony. She's never been to one and was so glad she came. She is also very supportive and proud :)
 As you can see, we took the opportunity for some family photo shots. We don't have many with him in his uniform.
Me and my sailor man :) I'm so proud of him. We have a good life together :)
 Becca wasn't really in a picture-taking kind of mood, but that's okay. She was there. And she looked beautiful :)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Book Review: What's Right With Me

I just finished reading this book last week. Somewhere in the past couple years my self-esteem has plummeted into the ground and feelings of not being good enough have taken over. So, I saw this book and decided to give it a try to help me focus on my strengths. This book is a great way to do that and it asks you hard questions and forces you to look deep within yourself to find the answers. It is also part journal, so you can physically write down your answers and look back on them. Sometimes when you see how you really feel about something written in front of you on paper, it makes it more real. The questions force you to give yourself credit for things you may not feel are credit-worthy, and that is really important. I think many of us do that...we focus on the things that need work and overlook the hurdles we overcame and the strength it took to jump over those hurdles. After reading this book I do feel a lot better about myself. I realize some of my strengths and I choose to focus on the things that I do well. Maybe those strengths I can incorporate into my weaknesses for some balance. I also unlocked a secret dream of mine. We all have one....one that would come true if all the stars were aligned in the sky....in a perfect world....the one we think will never come true...but, hey, I can dream right? That secret dream is to become a writer. I've always loved reading and writing, but I didn't realize just how much I love it. So, I think I may look into strengthening this passion and putting a little more time into the things that I truly love and am good at. This was a good book. It accomplished it's purpose and forced me to be the center of attention for a time. :)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I'm an Auntie!!

My niece: Julia Kathryn Corrado Maier
8/15/10 --- 8:59 pm
8 Ib. 2 oz. 20 inches long

Hello to all my beautiful readers. Thank you for continuing to check back on my blog after such a long time away. It's been a very busy couple of weeks. Definitely not the norm for our family to be gone such a long time. We were standing by our phone waiting for the call that our niece was born, and the call never happened. My SIL's (sister-in-law's) due date came and went. So, her and my BIL (brother-in-law) invited our family up that week, hoping something would happen while we were there. So, we left the day of her due date (8/9/10....that would've been a cool birthday ;) and drove up to Connecticut. Friends of theirs went out of town and offered us their house to stay in right down the road from them, so that was real nice that we didn't have to invade their space. We had a nice time with them. We stayed there a week and nothing was happening. Finally, 5 days later, the contractions began slowly and began the labor process. Family drove down and we all waited in the waiting room. The more exciting part of waiting was the fact that they didn't know if it was a boy or girl, they wanted to be surprised and they didn't tell us the names they decided on, they wanted that to be a surprise too. Finally, my BIL Jason walked through the doors and announced...."It's A Girl!!" Tears were flowing from all of us. What a wonderful moment. I am so glad we were there to be a part of it. Mom and baby did very well and are healthy. When I held little Julia it was just amazing. That overwhelming love that flowed over me for her...this beautiful, innocent child that was born from two people that I love so much. I was so happy :) We stayed there a couple extra days so we could welcome them home and see they were settled. All in all, we were there 9 days. It's good to be back home. Although we weren't alone quite yet. Our parents came back with us for Eric's re-enlistment....more on that in my next post :)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Waiting.....

I thoroughly cleaned the house, packed all our bags and they are in the car ready to go. Now, we just wait for the phone call. My SIL (sister-in-law) is due to have her baby any day now. Her official due date is actually tomorrow. She lives in Connecticut and we are waiting for the phone call that she is in labor to drive down and spend time with them and their new baby. It's about an 8 hour drive, so we want to leave as soon as possible, hoping not to miss the arrival. I am SO excited! Becca will have her first cousin only two years younger than her. I'm glad they will be close in age. I am really close to my first cousins. They are like siblings to me. There are so many surprises in store....we don't know if it's a boy or girl, and we don't know the name. So, lots to look forward to. :) Cameras and videocameras are charged....woo-hoo! They are going to be great parents. I'm so excited for them and for me.....gonna be an Auntie! :)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Do you take risks or play it safe?

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell

I came across this quote in a book I'm reading, and it made me pause and think for a moment. When I was young I kind of mapped out how my life was going to end up. Not thinking of details, but I figured I'd get married and have kids and live a happy life. I mean, that's what happily ever after is all about, right? So, I finally got my prince charming and my beautiful daughter...does that mean this is it? My whole life has reached its end result at age 28? Do I spend the rest of my life just coasting through life? I am a very shy person and tend to keep to myself. But, looking back, some of the most wonderful and memorable moments in my life were brought on by challenging myself and stepping outside of my comfort zone. I tend to be a homebody and I stick to my comfortable circle of friends. This is playing it safe. Never trying anything new or going somewhere new. I make up excuses. I stay with what's familiar to me; what I know. But, there's a flip side to this. What am I missing out on? A new friendship...a new favorite restaurant...a new hobby...a new memory or experience? I feel I've gotten into a rut and have gotten too comfortable in this rut. I want to be able to step outside of my familiar and take a risk here or there. How do you guys feel about this? Do you still take risks and challenge yourself or you stuck in your routine as well? I know marriage and parenting bring new responsibilities to our lives, but that doesn't mean it has to be it right? I've decided it's not the end for me. There is more to me that just wife and mother and I'm exploring what that might be. I have interests and dreams that have been pushed aside and I'm ready to re-discover them. But, sometimes I wonder....how come being a wife and mother isn't enough for me? Many women dream of being a stay at home mom....not have to work...for their husbands to make enough where they can be home every day with their kids. And I do love that luxury....being there for every moment of my daughter's beginning years...never missing a thing. But I do miss working, and being a contributor to society. Interacting with the outside world and giving back in some small way. I feel I am isolated and cut off in many way and that can be very lonely. I just wondered what you guys thought about this. Leave me your opinion :)

Monday, August 2, 2010

Catch Up

No big exciting news going on over here to talk about, so I thought I would catch you up on some small random things...
STAR WARS
My husband has always been shocked that I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies, so a few weeks ago, there was a marathon of all 6 movies on the Spike Channel so we DVR'd them. It took a while to find the time here and there, but I finally watched them all. At first, I thought it was going to be pretty boring and uninteresting, but I really ended up liking them a lot. There are so many references to Star Wars in movies and tv shows, it was nice to finally know what everyone's talking about :)
BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING
One of my favorite kinds of shopping is back to school shopping. I have no idea what you must be thinking, this is probably boring and dreadful to most people. Especially since I have never had any children in school, nor do I now. This shopping is for me, oddly enough :) I always do a big shopping trip this time of year and stock up on needed and sometimes unneeded supplies :) I get notebooks, pens, dividers, index cards, folders, binders, and whatever else I need. I've always loved office supplies, isn't that bizarre!? I even like to just walk through office stores as if it were a small Disneyland :) I always wanted to work in some kind of office, even if it was my own home office. I love paperwork and tedious office work. So, anyway, I went this weekend and stocked up. Then yesterday I was completely deflated when I read the newspaper only to learn that next weekend is the weekend with no tax....why couldn't I have waited a week! Oh well, it was still a lot of fun!
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Some of you know that I am currently in an online program to be a medical transcriptionist. It's funny, I never took any interest in the medical field, it was kind of a leap. However, the more I'm learning through this program, the more I like it and I can't get enough learning! I am just now beginning the dreaded terminology part of the program. I was not looking forward to memorizing long, boring words that no one seems to understand. But, as I started to get into it, it became incredibly fascinating to me how these words are formed and the meanings behind them. It's like a foreign language that I am picking up fairly well. Half the battle is actually enjoying what you're learning and I am definitely there :) 
7 NEW RECIPES IN 7 DAYS
I have a confession to make...I hate cooking in the summer. When it's 100 degrees out, the last place I want to be is in front of a hot stove or oven. So, I tend to slack in the cooking department this time of year. My husband has been on my case about missing my cooking. I just love to cook any other time of year though, it's not something I usually avoid. So, anyway, I was missing cooking too. So, I flipped through some Wegmans Menu magazines and Food Network Magazines and picked out 7 new recipes for 7 days. I truly love to cook and try new things. And every time I make a new recipe I have my husband rate it on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being amazing). Anything that he rates below an 8, I never make again. Fortunately this has happened less than 10 times in our 8 1/2 years of marriage. Anyway, these are the seven new recipes I made......
1. margarita pizza on Naan flatbread; 2. strip steaks w/ caramelized onions and portobello mushrooms, 3. grilled chicken fajitas, 4. shrimp scampi over linguini in a lemon/garlic sauce, 5. prosciutto, mozzarella and roasted red peppers panini on ciabotta bread, 6. stir-fry with garlic stir-fry sauce and veggies, 7. homemade mac and cheese
*the mac and cheese was the only unsuccessful dish, all the rest I will make again :)
A NASTY FALL
I took a nasty fall a few days ago while walking Max, our dog. He pulled me too hard and I struggled to hold onto the leash. I couldn't keep up with him and I fell down and slid across the sidewalk. Fortunately it happened right outside my house and it didn't do much damage at all. It only took off a few layers of my skin where the bottom of my leg and top of my foot meet. Eric was there to disinfect it with peroxide and put gauze on it. It hurt and stung for days, but I'm better now. I must say, I am a huge baby when it comes to being hurt or sick. My entire body shuts down leaving me completely useless. I think I have a very weak immune system. Fortunately, I don't get sick very often, but when I do, it lasts for a long time. 
So, that is to catch you up. Hope you are well :)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Eat. Pray. Love

I just finished reading this incredible book. I was not expecting it, but it turned into being one of the best books I've ever read. Definitely in my top 10 favorites. Don't you just love it when you connect with an author or story or character on a deeper, more personal level? That's what this book did for me. I really could relate to this woman as I accompanied her in my mind on her incredible journey. I found myself glued to her story and captivated, eagerly anticipating what I would find in the following chapter. This woman set out on a journey of self-discovery seeking peace, balance and healing for herself and I find myself longing for the first two desperately. With no plan, she heads to Italy, India and then Bali on her personal quest. I so admire this adventurous spirit of hers with much respect in throwing caution to the wind and challenging herself and taking a risk for the sake of peace and happiness in her life. I mean, although I find the idea tremendously exciting, I am a plan-every-move-I-make kind of person and would be overwhelmed with worry of the unknown too much to enjoy and appreciate such a unique opportunity. As I read her story, I learned about the culture and history of each place she went. She pursued her passions and mastered them as best she could. I secretly desire a self-discovery voyage of my own. A personal quest. Some days I feel I am just living my life going through the motions that I'm programmed to do as a housewife and mother. That somewhere deep inside is a part of me I know nothing about because it has not been explored or developed. We, as humans, are the most complex beings that I would think take a lifetime to figure out our complete depth. There are times I feel incomplete, like something is missing from my life. There is more to me than this I just know it. It's funny, ever since I accepted Jesus Christ into my life I always thought I had a greater purpose. God was going to use me to do something great. I always wanted to make a difference, even in some sort of small way. To help someone, to show someone kindness or compassion in a unique way. I have found myself recently praying for God to reveal His path for me and I am excited to say I am starting to narrow it down. I am getting closer. I have a lot of myself to give and I want to do that. Anyway, reading this book made me look within myself. I would definitely recommend it, this is a great read. :)

Monday, July 26, 2010

NY Trip - Day 8 - Driving Home (last day of trip)

Time to go home. I'm ready. I miss Eric and I actually miss my boring old mundane daily routine. It is familiar and comforting. But I had a great trip and staying a few extra days was definitely worth it.
I got up early and packed the car up. Went out to breakfast with Larry (my mom's boyfriend), my mom and my brother Joey before I had to get on the road. The route I took to get home was awesome! Simple and easy to follow. I didn't get lost and made decent time. Although Rebecca was a handful to say the least. She was a gem the first three hours, but that was it. After that, she had decided she was fed up with sitting in the carseat for so long and just had a complete meltdown for two hours straight-screaming and crying. This of course made it very difficult to focus on driving. I even pulled over and took her out of the car seat and held her but it did no good, she continued to meltdown. I was getting very overwhelmed and then I, myself, had a small meltdown of my own. I sat next to her and just cried. I put her back in the car seat and continued to drive, not long after that she fell asleep...finally. We arrived home a little after dinner time. I was so happy to see Eric. He helped me unpack. I could've kissed the floor I was so glad to be home. :)

Sunday, July 25, 2010

NY Trip - Day 7 - Good Friends

I was supposed to leave this morning to go back home, but there were a few more people I really wanted to see while I was here but didn't have enough time, so I decided to stay one more day, and I'm so glad I did. I talked it over with Eric beforehand, of course, and he was fine with it. My close friend, Erin, and her daughter came over for lunch to visit. Her daughter is 6 months older than Becca. We had a great time together. Later on after my friends left, my mom watched Becca while I had a girl's night out with my best friend from high school, Vanessa. It was one of the best times I've had all year. It was nice for both of us to get away and have time to ourselves minus kids and husbands :) We have a very special friendship, in that, I probably only see her once a year, but when we do finally get together, it's as if we've been hanging out every day since high school. It's so comfortable and natural. It's wonderful spending time with her. It's a friendship I always wanted and hoped for. I just wish we lived closer so we could do these times of things more often. We went to dinner and then we got starbucks and walked along the canal and just talked. It was so relaxing and peaceful and we just enjoyed the moment and weren't worried about our kids or housework or anything else but the here and now :)
I came home in time to put Becca down for bed and then I did some packing before going to bed myself :)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

NY Trip - Day 6 - Family Time

This morning Becca and I visited my best friend, Christy, and her kids. They are family to us and we try to make time for them every time we come to New York. It's always great to see them. They have three young girls, who I call my nieces. Christy's sister, who I am also good friends with, Traci, also came over with her two young kids. Unfortunately I don't get many opportunities to see her, so I called her and asked her to come over for a visit. It was great to see them as well :) We had lunch together and then Traci had to go home with her kids and soon after that, all the kids were down for a nap at the same time. It was nice because it gave Christy and I some one-on-one alone time. We had a great talk. She's like a sister to me. After the kids woke up we let them play a bit longer then me and Becca had to leave. We went back to my mom's house where my stepsister and my two nephews were waiting to see us. We don't get to see them much either. Kids change so much so fast. It makes me sad that I am missing out on so much of their lives :( Anyway, we had a nice quick visit and then me, Becca, mom, Larry (my mom's boyfriend) and my brother Joey took off to my Aunt's house for a big family gathering. About 1/4 of our extended family was there. They met Larry for the first time and I think he fit in quite nicely. I found out later that everyone approves :) It was nice to visit with family I don't normally get to see and have Becca warm up to them. We were there way past Becca's bedtime so she went right to sleep when we got back to my mom's house. :) It did make me miss Eric though, having everyone ask where he was and then seemed disappointed that they didn't get a chance to visit with him because he left so early. It's really hard traveling without Eric and having to do everything myself. It can be done, but it's much more exhausting and not as easygoing.

Friday, July 23, 2010

NY Trip - Day 5 - Visiting Friends

This morning my mom made us a delicious breakfast...eggs, sausage, toast. There is something comforting being back in my mom's house with her cooking. When Becca woke up, me, my mom and Becca went in the pool again. It's been beautiful weather here. I was on the phone all morning making plans for the remainder of my visits, filling as much time as I could with friends and family. After lunch I put Becca down for her nap and my cousin came over shortly after. It was nice to visit with her and catch up. You know, when you live far away from the people who mean the most to you, you make the best of it. You talk on the phone, you send emails, maybe even an occasional letter. But nothing can come close to sitting with them face to face in person. There's nothing like it. We had a lovely chat and it meant a lot that she made the time to visit with me. Becca woke up and my cousin left. Becca and I had plans to have dinner with some high school friends of mine that I am still very close to. They had moved since I last visited, so it was nice to see their new place and for Becca to get to know their two young kids. We stayed late and we left right at Becca's bedtime. We headed home to my mom's and went right to sleep.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

NY Trip - Day 4 - Relax and Leisure

Today was a much-needed relaxation day. We all slept in this morning, which was really nice. I got some great sleep finally. Eric left early this morning to head back home because he had a class to teach later tonight. He didn't complain though; he never does. Becca and I and my mom went in the pool this morning. It was so nice and peaceful and quiet and just beautiful out. My mom's boyfriend, Larry, came out and sat by the pool with us and chatted. He's really nice, and easy to talk to. We went inside for lunch and then Becca took her nap. Larry and I watched the finals of the soccer world cup. What an intense game that was. Later on around dinner time my friend Shannon came over after work to visit. We had dinner together....my mom's homemade sauce and meatballs....yummy! Then my brother joined us and we all went to the nearby canal so Becca could feed the ducks. She loved it! It was a real nice time. Then we came back and put Becca to bed at my mom's and all of us watched the movie The Proposal, which I've never seen. It was a cute movie :) Then it was bedtime. So nice to have a relaxing, low-key day :)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

NY Trip - Day 3 - Becca's Party

Today was a great day. It turned out like I had hoped it would. Eric arrived at my mom's at about 6am after driving 8 hours straight. He went straight to bed to get some sleep before the party. Becca and I headed over to my MIL's (mother-in-law's) house to start setting up. My mom came over at 11am to watch Becca so my MIL and I could run some errands. We picked up the balloons at Party City...there were 3 Dora balloons, 2 pink star balloons, and 4 different colored latex balloons with the number 2 on them. Then we went to Wegmans to pick up the cake...chocolate and vanilla with custard filling with a picture of Dora and Boots on the top with multi-colored flowers. They did a beautiful job, as usual :) We got back to the house and Eric had arrived and then soon left with my FIL (father-in-law) to get the tables, chairs and tent we were borrowing from family members. Becca went down for her nap at 1pm and we began to set up. We put up the balloons, streamers and banners. We had 2 canopies with toys and games for the kids to play with...bat and balls, coloring books, dolls, bubbles, etc. Since Dora is Spanish, we did a Dora the Explorer fiesta theme. So there was chips and salsa on all the tables as well as animal crackers for little ones. We also had jello and a big fresh fruit platter. My cousin had to work during the party so she came early to help set up and see us. And my friend Shannon came early after work to help as well. I was grateful for their help. Becca woke up from her nap at 4:30pm and the party was set to start at 5pm. We had a lot of people turn up. I was so glad.
 Me and Eric

Becca and her Nana (my mom) 


We had a taco bar for dinner and hot dogs for the kids who didn't want tacos.
 Becca and Daddy
 After dinner, we opened presents. 
Becca got lots of great gifts...most of them Dora-themed, which she loved.
After presents we had cake.
People started to head home after cake. There were several small kids who needed to go to bed. My mom showed up with her new boyfriend from Florida. She just picked him up from the airport. We all met him for the first time. I was very appreciative to the fact that he went through so much trouble to get there for the party. I didn't get a chance to talk to him much because I was busy cleaning up after the party, but so far so good :) Eric packed up the truck to take home all the presents which wouldn't fit into my car. He had to head home early tomorrow morning to get back to work. But I'm glad he was there for the party, even though it was inconvenient with his work schedule. He always makes time for our daughter. It was a great party and I am thankful for everyone who played a part in it :)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

NY Trip - Day 2 - Preparations for the party

Terrible day yesterday, followed by a terrible night of non-sleep. Went to bed at 11:30pm and didn't sleep well at all. The room I'm staying in has hardwood floors so I kept hearing Max's nails tapping the floor and his chain collar against the floor every time he laid down. (Why I didn't just take the collar off of him is beyond me). But Max slept the entire 13 hour drive in the car, which is why he was awake all night walking around the room, sniffing all the new smells. Then I heard his tongue lapping while he gave himself a bath...very distracting. Becca was up at 5am. I brought her into bed with me and when she started nodding off I put her back in the pack n' play and I left the room so she could get some more sleep. Later that morning Becca and I went to my MIL's (mother-in-law's) house to get ready for tomorrow's party. We chopped onions and tomatoes and, for the most part, visited and talked about plans for tomorrow. Becca and I went back to my mom's for dinner and later that night my aunt and uncle came over to visit. They were unable to come to the party tomorrow so they came tonight to see us. It was a real nice visit and I was happy they made time for us. Every time I come to NY I always go to bed much later. My mom's a night owl. I'm used to going to bed around 10pm at home, but when visiting in NY it's usually closer to midnight. That's okay though, I try to visit and spend time with family as much as possible. That's what vacations are all about right?

Monday, July 19, 2010

NY Trip - Day 1 - A Long Drive

Okay, time to rewind and finally tell you about my trip. I will spend the next week filling you in on each day of my trip...so today we begin at Day 1. Are you wondering how I did my first time traveling with Max and Becca minus Eric? I would give myself a big, fat F. I failed miserably. The trip started out as one of the worst traveling days in my life.  Failure #1- I had to leave late because I didn't know how to put air in my tires so I waited for Eric to come home to do it.  Failure #2- Eric gave me the easiest route that I couldn't even follow. I left at 7am and 10:30am I realized I was 45 minutes from my house in the opposite direction I started from. Now, imagine one of the worst places to be lost...well I was in the equivalent of wherever you're thinking. I was shaking and nervous and immediately realized I just added 3 1/2 hours to an 8 hour trip. I called Eric in tears who rescued me with a new route and I made it out of there. I stopped for lunch, which took an hour. We sat outside in close to 100 degree weather because I was afraid to leave the dog in the car if we went inside. Fed and walked Max. Becca is beet red and not drinking or eating well, which leads me to think I am not taking care of her well. Failure #3- My poor daughter had to sit confined in her car seat for 5 extra hours because of my mistake. I took a wrong turn which tacked on a lot of extra time. Not to mention all the construction the whole way which took me on two detours, which added even more time. Failure #4- I asked for a simple route, knowing it would take longer, with an energetic two year old. I should've known better and just took the quickest route. This back-road route put me on 40mph roads behind slow trucks and lots of lights...not helping the situation. I cried several times in the car all the while feeling as if steam was coming out of my ears I was so mad at myself for putting us in this situation. Finally I got to my mom's house. It took me 13 hours which normally only takes 8. I was exhausted, but why? All I did was sit in a car all day. But the emotional and mental bruises from beating myself up in my head took its toll. My mom took Becca in her pool and entertained her while I unpacked. My energy was depleted. I was so weak and felt my legs and feet were as heavy as rocks. I had been up since 5am and didn't have nearly enough to eat and drink...I was so concerned about Becca and Max and taking care of them I forgot about myself. My cousin surprised me by stopping over after work. It was so great to see her and visit with her. Definitely the best part of my day. We watched the movie Grease together and just chatted. It meant so much to me that she took the time to come see me. Every time I come into town she tries to see me as much as possible....unlike some people...anyway...I was so glad to get to bed so I can end this stressful day and begin a fresh new one.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Happy Birthday Becca

My beautiful baby girl turns 2 years old today. She has graduated to toddler hood, but she's still my baby, I don't care what anybody says. I can't imagine my life without her. She brings so much joy to my life and she just lights up my little corner of the world. I never thought I would be so lucky to have a daughter. I always assumed I would have kids when I got older, but when I married a man who has all boys in his family, I assumed I would only have boys as well. But, in my heart I always wanted a girl. The day we found out she was a girl we were stunned. There was silence in the room for a few minutes and it continued for a short period of time because we were so surprised. But that surprise turned into excitement after the shock wore off. It's been fun dressing her in frilly, girly clothes and brushing her curly blond hair. Her sparkling blue eyes are captivating, her nose is as cute as a button, and her smile warms the chilliest day. Though entering toddler hood is challenging and stressful at times, it is also a fun, new experience. She is becoming more interactive and talking with more words; and it thrills me as she learns the basics....her ABC's, animal names and sounds, counting numbers, etc. She is playful and energetic, yet sensitive and loving. She is a perfect blend of my husband and I. Being a mother is the most rewarding job, even though it is tough. In the end, she is worth it. She makes me want to be the best mother I can be. She has changed my life and I look forward to the next year and all the wonderful things it will bring. Happy Birthday Rebecca, My Angel. Mommy loves you.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I'm Back

I had a wonderful time in New York, but it is so good to be back home. I'm glad to get back into my boring daily routine. There is something comforting about it. I am very busy these days. Becca's birthday is tomorrow so hopefully today we will be buying her birthday presents and doing some last minute running around. I will still fill you in on my NY trip when I can find the time. Things are always crazy the first couple days home from a long trip. So, please be patient with me my wonderful followers. I missed you all and missed reading your blogs while I was away, so I am eager to see how you all have been. I will fill you in soon; there is much to tell :) Have a great weekend everyone and thanks for sending lovely wishes my way while I was gone :)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Headed for NY

Tomorrow morning I am leaving for New York. Becca's 2nd birthday party is on saturday. Her actual birthday isn't til next week, but we are doing a lot of traveling this summer and are trying to space it out a little bit so it's not too overwhelming for Becca. I am really excited for her birthday party. It should be a good turn out and the forecast is looking promising. It's going to be a Dora the Explorer theme...that's her favorite show. :) So, I have much to do. I need to make lists for everyone, and then pack everything on the lists. Then I need to clean out the car, which is still a mess from our last trip to NY in May. This trip is going to be a first. The will be my first driving trip alone with Becca and Max (our dog). Usually Eric (my husband) is always with us but he couldn't get the time off. So, he will be coming up separately on Friday and then he has to leave Sunday to be back to work Monday. I wanted to take the opportunity and spend a little extra time in town visiting family and friends I rarely get to see. Every time we go to NY we can only stay the weekend and there are so many people we don't get to see. So, this time I am coming up early and then staying in town 3 extra days without my husband. But, it'll be good. :) I probably won't have much computer access so I will post about my trip when I return next week. Hope you all have a great time while I'm gone and I'll catch you up when I get back :)

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Thoughts in the Car - Part 2


I was able to have several hours to myself today, and because it is such a rare occurrence, I try to savor and appreciate every moment. I needed to go to Party City to get supplies and decorations for Becca's Dora-themed birthday party next week.
So, those of you that have read my previous posts know that going into town is a 40-minute drive one way. I tend to do a lot of reflecting when I'm in the car by myself. Anyway, on my way to the store I popped in a CD to listen to. Which one? My faithful readers know...yup, that's right, again...my favorite CD..."Fearless" by Taylor Swift. The song "Fifteen" comes on...the music starts...the first word is spoken, and I am taken back to my high school years. I am fifteen again. The memories flood my mind as Taylor Swift perfectly describes being a high school freshman. The awkwardness and uncertainty. Walking down the halls on your first day of school, getting lost in what feels like a hollow museum. Gazing around at your new schoolmates, looking for familiar faces but avoiding eye contact with strangers. And of course...there was that one boy. You know the one. When he smiles at you or even makes eye contact with you, it makes your entire day. I had a crush on a boy for 5 years, beginning in 7th grade. This boy was completely wrong for me, and I knew it. He was a slacker, had a wandering eye, used me, and ended up in jail, yet knowing all this, he still had the ability to give me butterflies. (No, I didn't marry this frog...we never even dated, I just admired him from afar and later found my prince).
The song continues..."you sit in class next to red-headed Abigail and soon enough you're best friends...laughin' at the other girls, who think they're so cool, we'll be outta here as soon as we can." Immediately high school best friend, Vanessa, comes to mind and I smile. :) I remember we had the same classes and we always sat next to each other...with one look we would smirk as we read each others thoughts. Chorus class we would giggle at our oddball teacher who marched to a different beat. We dragged our matching sandals, wearing our unintentional matching outfits to English class 5 minutes late and get scowled at by our teacher who was awaiting retirement that year. Study Hall we sat at "our table" at the library, not studying, but commenting on the fashion magazines we looked at together. Before class we would meet up at the cafeteria and each get a bagel and cream cheese and sit and eat together. People thought we looked like sisters; we were always together. Maybe not sisters by blood, but definitely by heart. There are no other years like your high school years. Seems like a former lifetime; forever frozen in time. Yet, with all the drama that high school comes with, I can now look back on it with a smile :) I graduated 10 years ago. Would I want to go back and re-live high school? Not a chance.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Birthday Wishes


Yesterday was my 28th birthday. Do I feel older? Yes. But not in a bad way. I am truly happy about where I am in my life right now. Last year was actually a terrible year for me, personally. I was very lonely and sad and unhappy with myself. Avoiding mirrors and hating what I saw in the reflection. The past six months I have been doing some soul-searching. Looking deep within and asking myself the hard questions. The big questions. I have been living my life day by day just to get by. Not really enjoying the life I have. I truly believe there is a lot more within me to explore. I want to be the best person I can be and not settle for mediocre. I want to challenge myself, learn new things and explore new opportunities. I am a quiet person and afraid of change, yet I complain that there is no excitement in my life. I want to be happy and confident in who I am and feel whole as a person. I am not there yet, but I am getting closer. My life is a good one, but what am I doing with it? My life could be taken away from me at any moment, so how come I'm not living to the fullest? I hope this next year brings new changes to me. I don't wish for things, I wish for personal growth. I am learning just how wonderful being a wife and mother truly is. Looking beyond the housework, and the sleep deprivation, and the responsibilities, to what really matters. Having a spouse who sees all the good in me, who loves me with all my flaws and out of all the women he has or hasn't met, has chosen me to spend the rest of his life with. Having a daughter who lights up my world and can melt my heart with a single smile, who depends on me to teach her how to live her life. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends who have very good lives. I want to embrace what is good in my life instead of focusing so much on what is not. Because there is so much more good than bad. Our attitude and our choices are what makes up our lives. I am focusing on my strengths and good qualities and trying to find opportunities to put them to good use. And my weaknesses I can choose to try to improve on but realize that I am not perfect, no one is. Another thing I am learning is to stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks of me. Sometimes I feel I live my life according to how everyone I know lives or how they expect me to live instead of making my own choices and finding out what I want out of my life. And most of all, the important thing that exceeds everything I've been learning on my path to self-discovery, is that I need God to direct my life because I suck at it. The older I get, the more I try to control everything, but I find that it only leads to dead-ends. Nothing but God can bring the satisfaction and fulfillment and inner peace and joy that is lacking in my life. He knows exactly all the things I am searching for, and He can lead me to the answers, He is just waiting for me to let go and ask Him for direction. Thank goodness He never gives up on me and is always there. Continues to love me even when I turn my back on Him out of selfishness and laziness. I look ahead to the next year with open-mindedness. Thankful for the struggles I've been through that has led me to who I am today. To become a complete puzzle, you need every single one of those pieces, both smooth and rough. I choose to believe my best days are still ahead of me and I have much to look forward to :)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

100 Followers


I saw that I had 99 followers yesterday and I hoped today I would write a post about reaching 100, so I check this morning and I have 102! WOW! I can't even believe it; I never expected such a warm welcome to the blogging community. Thank you followers of mine for reading my blog and taking interest in the things I have to say. Me, a stay at home mom, married to my sailor who is my hero. Not much of an exciting life I live over here, but I'm happy to have this blog to share it with you. A place to document cherished memories, brag about an accomplishment, vent some frustrations, share a few thoughts on my mind, and make new friends. A place to be myself. My true myself. Thank you to those of you who leave me kind words of encouragement. It brings a smile to my face and they are greatly received and appreciated :) Thank you for keeping up with my blog and faithfully reading my latest posts. You guys are so great, and such a lovely addition to my life...my blogging friends. I hope you have a great week :)

Monday, June 28, 2010

Night Shift

My husband is back on the night shift. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but my husband (Eric) is an instructor on a Navy base at a Navy school. He has been doing this for the past three years. He normally works a regular day shift, but now he is teaching a night class for the next few weeks. He's done this a few times in the past. He adapts really well and easily to change, which helps with the ever-changing Navy lifestyle that we live. Anyway, last night was his first night on his new shift. It will be somewhat of a 10pm-8am schedule for the most part. So, he left after I made a pot of coffee for him to take to work and there I was, alone for the night. I took the opportunity to watch a movie that he won't watch..."17 Again" (I have a little crush on Zac Efron). When that was over, I watched the Emmy Awards on TV. That was a horrible award show; very poorly done. I went up to bed at 11:15pm but didn't fall asleep till probably midnight. I woke up twice because of shark dreams (I have a fear of great white sharks because of "Jaws"). I don't sleep well without Eric, and last night was no different. I got up at my normal time, 5:30am, to feed and walk Max, our dog. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't...images of sharks kept entering my mind. So, I went downstairs and checked my emails and read some new blog posts. Eric finally came home a little after 8am. I could tell he was really tired. He hung out with us (me, Becca and Max) for about 30 minutes and then went to bed, where he is now. I expected this. Just a new adjustment to make. I've got to figure out a system that works so he can get the sleep he needs and still have enough family time :) One thing's for sure, after being married for 8 years to a military man, sleeping alone is one thing I never get used to.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Under the Weather

What a strange saying, feeling "under the weather". Where did that saying come from anyway? The point is, I'm sick. Feels a lot like the flu. I've been out of touch with the outside world all weekend because of it. I felt so bad for Eric, because Father's Day I spent the majority of the day laying on the couch useless. I wasn't able to make it as special a day as he deserves to have. And he made my Mother's Day perfect; I just wanted to pay it forward back to him. He said all he wanted was to stay home, relax, and watch the NASCAR race, and that's exactly what we did. And to top it all off, his favorite driver, Jimmie Johnson, ended up winning the race, so that made his day :)
I made myself some pastina soup to soothe my sore throat. My mom used to make me homemade chicken soup whenever I was sick. It was like magic, in that, it would make me feel so much better right away :) I wish I had some of her soup right now. I have the recipe, but lack the energy and time to make it. I remember as a kid, whenever I was sick I would lay in bed and my mom would rent movies for me to watch all day and she would bring me food in bed. She always made everything better. Maybe it was the love in her touch, or her gentleness or sensitivity. Every time I feel "under the weather" it makes me want my mommy. Hahaha. Now I am a mommy.
I have medicine to take, that isn't really working all that well and I've already gone through 2 boxes of tissues.  We are always told the best thing to do is rest, right? How am I supposed to do that with a husband who works long hours, an energetic toddler, a curious puppy, and keep up with daily housework? My answer: I have no idea. I actually don't get sick very often, but when I do, I am a big baby. It completely takes over me, weakening my entire system, unlike my husband who toughs it out and is better the next day. I want to be tough too! Well, Becca just went down for a nap....here's where the choices present themselves....do I take this time to clean the kitchen which is a big mess....or do I take the time to rest on the couch? I'm going to be selfish for once and lay on the couch. Hope everyone is having a nice week :)

Friday, June 18, 2010

New Blog Award!


How exciting! I got a new award! What a lovely one, too! :) Thank you SO much to Babblings of a Mommy for this! I enjoy keeping up with your blog and reading your posts and dishing about fashion ;) It does mean a lot to me that people care about what I write :)

Okay, now to follow the rules I will list 7 things about myself....
1. I have three weaknesses.....starbuck's mocha frappacino, any kind of cheesecake, and Snickers ice cream bars....never will I ever turn any of them down :)
2. I have a severe phobia of great white sharks and snakes, which I am trying to conquer on my own
3. I am a huge football fan.....go Carolina Panthers and Michigan Wolverines!
4. I love to decorate and look at ideas online and in magazines
5. I have a secret....I love all the High School Musical movies...that's right, I said it!
6. I love to take pictures of my family
7. My favorite color is hot pink

Now my favorite part of accepting awards...passing it onto other deserving bloggers. These ones are definitely worthy as I read them on a daily basis. Your inside beauty shines through your blog :)
1. Aging Mommy
2. Ordinary Inspirations
3. Searching for Starlight
4. Faith & Deployments
5. A Little Pink in a World of Camo
6. Make it Matter
7. Home Sanctuary

Monday, June 14, 2010

Friendships

I have lots of friends. But how many of them are the tried and true friends that I long for? We share fond memories together and our friendship is timeless, in that, no matter how big of a time gap there is between communication, our next encounter we pick up right where we left off, as if nothing has changed. The only difference is that during the peak of our friendship we were young and dealt with high school issues, now we have more layers to our lives....a husband, children, greater responsibilities, etc. So, I say to you friend:
Why have I not heard from you? Our friendship has to stop just because I've moved away? Am I not worth keeping in touch with? I don't understand. When I needed a friend the most, none of you were there. It isn't your fault though, because I kept my feelings to myself as always, so how could you know I needed a friend? My darkest hours in life I talked with you of superficial "how've you been's" and "what's new?". Never did you know the depth of sadness that was behind my voice.
And we all have these conversations with long lost friends..."how are you?" But do we really want to know? Are you really bold enough to say the truth? That things aren't great, that you're not doing well. What you're really thinking is, "I don't want to air out my dirty laundry".....to a friend? That's what they're there for aren't they? Because when I ask these questions, I really want to know. I consider myself a really good friend, but maybe I'm not as good as I think I am, because it's so easy for everyone to go on with their lives without me being a part of theirs. Maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe I'm too "friend needy"?
I have harbored a bit of bitterness in my heart towards many of my friends. I've been angry that they are so busy with their own lives not to look outside beyond their circle and extend themselves to others. Maybe they do extend themselves, just not to me. Maybe I'm the ousider. This makes me doubt my self-worth and causes my self-esteem to become non-existent. And when you see the bitterness, and then a bit deeper you see the anger, dig much deeper and you will find the root of it.....the hurt, the disappointment knowing that these friends are capable of better. Well, here is some news for you.....no more! I released these bad feelings. During my darkest hours, I find that there is one who I can ALWAYS count on and is ALWAYS dependable. God above. I find comfort in Him. With tears pouring out, I got down on my knees and I let go of this weight that I've carried for years, yes years, and I feel peace as He washes those toxins away and cleanses my soul. I forgave everyone, even though they weren't even aware they hurt me. It is not a crime to live their own lives, especially if they don't help someone they aren't aware needs help. And to my friends who have hurt me, I don't cut you out of my life, I am still thankful to know you and I cherish the wonderful memories we have. I am learning to be content with the new phase of friendship we have. 
So I say to you bloggers...don't become so self-consumed in your own lives that you overlook someone who might be in need of a friend. It may not appear that way on the outside, but you never know. Call a friend who has been on your mind, but you haven't "gotten around" to calling or emailing or writing them. Isolation and loneliness are powerful and dangerous things. Make the time to reach out to someone.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Slowing Down TV Time

I am getting so tired of TV. During the year, I have a lot of shows that I regularly watch. Very few of them I watch live because most of them Eric doesn't like. So, I normally DVR them and watch them either before Becca wakes up or during her nap in the afternoon. All of my shows I watch during the year have come to an end. Finally! Seems like they've been on for a year ;) Hahahaha. LOL. These are all the shows I watch during the year....

American Idol
Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood
The Office
Glee
Top Chef Masters
Kendra
Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty
Undercover Boss

So, now the summer shows begin. I normally watch "So You Think You Can Dance" but I am so sick of TV that I am not even in the mood to watch that this year. I will watch "Hell's Kitchen" because that's one of the few shows I watch that my husband watches with me, and a new season of "Top Chef" is about to start up that I will watch as well. But that's it! No more! This number of summer shows is significantly smaller than my yearly shows and that is a relief to me. It is important for me to have a few shows I watch "for me" to give me a small escape from reality :) But I am feeling spent. I live in beautiful Virginia...time to turn the TV off and explore my surroundings. What can I fill this time with? I can think of a few ideas....sit outside in the fresh air reading a book, take a nap on the couch, call or write a friend. So, I am not sad that my favorite shows are over for a few months, my mind needs some refreshing and my eyes need to be unglazed! 
So, bloggers, tell me what TV shows do you regularly watch?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Questions Answered Part 2

Okay everybody, here are the rest of your questions and my answers. Thank you to all of you who took the time to ask them and/or read them. Now you know a little more about me. Have a great day :)

11. Nine years into your marriage, is military life all you thought it would be? Is it better or worse?
That's tough to say. The military life is not simply black or white, because it's mostly gray. It's not good or bad, there is good and bad to everything, it is what it is. You take what you know and live your life making the best of it. I was 19 when I got married. I was naive and didn't really know what to expect. I didn't know a whole lot about the military before marriage. I guess I didn't really realize how much control the military has on your life. It's impossible to plan anything, and plans already set in motion can change day to day. That is hard to adjust to. When your husband is on a deployment that is only supposed to last 8 months and it ends up being 11, that is hard to adjust to. On the positive side, there is a mutual understanding and a connection that military families have that is wonderful. They stick close together and I have made some one of a kind friendships through that.

12. Where all have you been able to live as a result of the military?
We lived in San Diego, CA for the first 6 years of our marriage. Then we came here to Virginia for Eric's shore duty, where we've been living for the past 2 1/2 years. There are things I've liked and disliked about both places.

13. If you had a day all to yourself, go anywhere, do anything, what would you do and why?
This has been the toughest question to answer out of all of them. There are so many possibilities. When I have time to myself I like to have peace and quiet. So, in this case, I would probably go to one of my favorite places.....go to a Barnes and Nobles and get a drink and a danish and sit and read for a while, then I would go to Old Town Fredericksburg and walk around the town going in and out of antique malls and antique stores which I love to do, have lunch at a coffee house, then see a movie by myself ( I did it once and I loved it!) and get take out dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and come home and eat in the quiet. Light a few candles, maybe read a little or listen to some music. Sounds like a dream just reading it. This would be a great day for me :)


14. What is your favorite and least favorite thing about being a military family or military wife?
My least favorite thing is definitely having to pick up your family and move around so often. I have yet to do this with children, and I am not looking forward to that. 
My favorite thing is the fact that our life means something. Our family sacrifices for our country and it matters. We are making a small contribution to our country's freedoms....even my daughter and I. I am proud of my husband and proud to be a part of the military community. 

15. Where was your favorite assignment/duty station?
Definitely here in Virginia. I did not enjoy living so far away from family and friends in California. I love to visit there, but not to live there.

16. If you could take one thing back that you have done/said in your life so far, what would it be?
I would take back the few mean things I said to my mom when I was a clueless teenager.
I answered this part of the question on a previous question, I wouldn't have done so much physically with boyfriends before marriage. 

17. What is the best thing about being a military wife?
Being married to an honorable military man and being his support so he can do his job the best he can. See question #14.

18. If your husband could be assigned anywhere, where would you want to live?
I don't know, I'm not very adventurous. I don't like living far away from family and friends and being so isolated, it is very lonely. So, maybe the Carolina's...as long as it's someplace that still has seasons. We lived in California, and it was beautiful with perfect weather, but Christmas without snow just isn't for me.

19. Do you have any dreams for the future?
I want my family to be happy. Doesn't matter how much money I have, but that I made the most of my life. I want to challenge myself and be the best person I can be. I don't want to just be planning and working towards the future and end up missing out on enjoying the journey. I want my 30's to be better than my 20's, my 40's better than my 30's and so on. I want to show my daughter the world and fill her life with opportunities and experiences. 

20. Do you have to move often as a Navy wife?
An average military family moves every couple of years. We have moved seven times in my husband's military career. Together, we have lived in California and Virginia, but he has gone on three 10-month deployments and each one I have gone back to New York to live with family. On the upside, every time we move, each new home has been nicer and in a better area than the previous one. New places mean fresh starts, new opportunities and new experiences.              

Monday, June 7, 2010

Questions Answered Part 1

WOW! I didn't expect so much interest in me! It's a lovely surprise. Thank you for your great questions! They were a lot of fun to answer, and some required a bit of thought. There ended up being 20 total, so I will post the first 10 questions and answers today and the last 10 tomorrow.

1. What made you start blogging?
Being a military spouse, we've always moved far away from family and friends and it gets lonely. I needed an outlet to express myself, and I just wanted to be heard. To connect with others in the world I could relate to...other mothers, other military spouses, SAHM, etc. The blogging world became the social connection I was missing.

2. You say you're a "quiet person," Do you find that you express yourself better by writing, or are you able to express yourself "in person" just as well?
I express myself best in writing, no question about it. I am a terrible speaker, even in a casual conversation. I stumble over my words, I studder, and my thoughts in my head are clear, but they don't come out through words the way I want them to. When speaking, I definitely do the best one on one. I am more comfortable writing though, the words seem to flow better.

3. What's the last book you read? ( I don't mean "The Very Hungry Caterpillar;" I'm really asking what you read for YOU.
Well, I saw the musical Wicked three months ago and LOVED it! So I went out and got the book that the play was based on, but I didn't even finish it because I didn't like it. The last book I read was "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer and that was a good book. I like to read inspiring stories, true stories.....I mostly read Christian books and self-improving/motivational books.

4. What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
I don't eat very adventurously. I have eaten eel and shark, but I wasn't impressed with either.

5. Do you prefer coffee or tea?
The only time I drink hot tea is when I have a sore throat (works every time). I love coffee!

6. Do you prefer heels or flats?
I love shoes! I love the way heels look style-wise, but I can't wear heels because I have very weak ankles. I prefer wearing flats or shoes with a wedge.

7. Do you think Adam and Eve had belly buttons or not? ;)
Hahaha. This question made me smile. Never in my life have I ever thought about that...that's interesting though. I don't know....maybe not.

8. What are a few items you can't live without? Besides your beautiful family of course.
I couldn't live without chocolate :) My wedding ring/engagement ring and my mommy bracelet with my daughter's name on it are very special to me. I don't feel complete when I take them off. My Bible is my life guide, so I need that. A purse of some kind, because everything I need when I am away from home is in there. A notebook and pen because my life consists of lists.

9. What is your greatest achievement?
That's an easy one....having my daughter and becoming a mother. 

10. What is your greatest regret?
Doing too much physically with boyfriends before marriage.