I’ve really missed blogging and would like to find my way back into it. I took a break for a couple months from both writing and reading blogs. For some reason I just wanted to be by myself. A lot of times when I get stressed and overwhelmed I shut down and hide in my own little corner of the world. I also have this insecurity about my writing in that I feel I don’t have anything important to say. But on the other hand, am I writing for my readers or for myself? Anyway, during this time off from blogging I didn’t really want to talk to anyone or talk about anything. I wanted to escape. Truth is I really don’t have a clue what I want. Like today, Becca was being really loud and I’m always wishing for some quiet time to myself. So, Eric was home and he offered to take her into town because he had to go to a specific store. I was looking forward to a quiet couple of hours to myself. So, I packed up some stuff for him to bring with him, kissed them goodbye and closed the door. As I watched her walk away from me in her daddy’s arms with her tiny arms wrapped around his neck, a mix of emotions suddenly overcame me. The house to myself! To do whatever I wanted. Yet there was an immediate feeling of emptiness. I plopped down on our uncomfortable couch to decide what to do with my time. It took all of three minutes to miss Rebecca. Well, I’ll just use this time to catch up on my TV shows I recorded. So, I watched them but felt very unsettled and not calm. Wondering in the back of my mind if they were alright. Said a prayer that they would be safe out there and not get into an accident. Not sure why that popped into my mind. I got nothing done except free up some space on my DVR. Then I hear the faint sound of a car door shut. Could that be them? Are they home? Hooray! At last! They came through the door and I felt relieved. I swoop up my little girl and shower her with hugs and kisses. Be careful what you wish for. My time alone wasn’t what I imagined it would be. It was oddly unsettling. Maybe I like the security of the routine and mundane day I know to expect. It is safe and familiar and I am in control of all things involving my daughter. I guess I really don’t want the house all to myself. Or maybe it was just an off day. I guess I underestimate how connected I am with my daughter. She really does light up my world. Frustration and all.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Friday, September 10, 2010
A Tough Decision
Hello out there,
I have been out of the loop, I know. There is so much going on, it's like a daily whirlwind that is leaving me exhausted at the end of each night. What's so exhausting? Life. hahaha. I really don't have it that hard, I just don't think I'm very tough. So, my latest news is wrestling with a decision I am having to make regarding my daughter, and it is not an easy one. I have decided to put her into daycare part time. Just looking at those words and the thought of handing her over to people I don't know is like gut-wrenching. It's like being punched in the stomach. I am a stay at home mother and I chose to be that so I wouldn't have to make this decision. So why am I? Because I need to put my daughter's needs first. She is restless, un-focused, and needs socialization and interaction with other kids her own age. She is afraid of every adult besides her parents and her grandmother. For the past year she has been behind on her social skills and some developmental areas because of it. I truly think this is the right thing for her. I try my best to take her to the playground, and walks, and do activities with her, but she is still restless. She needs structure and things that will challenge her to grow. It has been so emotional wrestling with this decision. My husband and both of our parents have thought this was the best thing for her as well as her doctor for some time now, I just wasn't ready for my first experience of "letting go" to be this early. Now, we are only looking at part-time so it would only be like 2 days a week. I would still have her home most of the time, but somehow it doesn't help the way I feel. It's all part of the parenting process I suppose. I did throw myself a pity party. Accusing myself of not being enough for her, not doing a good enough job as her mother to provide all of her needs. I just want her to have the best there is and I want her to be healthy and happy. The idea of bringing her to a strange place with people we don't know....I don't want to frighten her or for her to think I won't be coming back. But at the same time, she is so dependent on me it is bordering on an unhealthy level, and it's important for her to learn to do some things on her own. But still, she's only two. May be officially a toddler, but to me, she is my precious baby girl. My joy. My angel. The light that brightens up the room when she smiles. So, today I have an appointment to tour a daycare center. I found four that I approved of based on online reviews and researching their websites. It would be so kind if any of you could mention me in your prayers just once if you remember. Please pray for wisdom to make the right decision for my daughter and to find a place that is trustworthy and will meet her needs and best interests. Thanks for listening :)
I have been out of the loop, I know. There is so much going on, it's like a daily whirlwind that is leaving me exhausted at the end of each night. What's so exhausting? Life. hahaha. I really don't have it that hard, I just don't think I'm very tough. So, my latest news is wrestling with a decision I am having to make regarding my daughter, and it is not an easy one. I have decided to put her into daycare part time. Just looking at those words and the thought of handing her over to people I don't know is like gut-wrenching. It's like being punched in the stomach. I am a stay at home mother and I chose to be that so I wouldn't have to make this decision. So why am I? Because I need to put my daughter's needs first. She is restless, un-focused, and needs socialization and interaction with other kids her own age. She is afraid of every adult besides her parents and her grandmother. For the past year she has been behind on her social skills and some developmental areas because of it. I truly think this is the right thing for her. I try my best to take her to the playground, and walks, and do activities with her, but she is still restless. She needs structure and things that will challenge her to grow. It has been so emotional wrestling with this decision. My husband and both of our parents have thought this was the best thing for her as well as her doctor for some time now, I just wasn't ready for my first experience of "letting go" to be this early. Now, we are only looking at part-time so it would only be like 2 days a week. I would still have her home most of the time, but somehow it doesn't help the way I feel. It's all part of the parenting process I suppose. I did throw myself a pity party. Accusing myself of not being enough for her, not doing a good enough job as her mother to provide all of her needs. I just want her to have the best there is and I want her to be healthy and happy. The idea of bringing her to a strange place with people we don't know....I don't want to frighten her or for her to think I won't be coming back. But at the same time, she is so dependent on me it is bordering on an unhealthy level, and it's important for her to learn to do some things on her own. But still, she's only two. May be officially a toddler, but to me, she is my precious baby girl. My joy. My angel. The light that brightens up the room when she smiles. So, today I have an appointment to tour a daycare center. I found four that I approved of based on online reviews and researching their websites. It would be so kind if any of you could mention me in your prayers just once if you remember. Please pray for wisdom to make the right decision for my daughter and to find a place that is trustworthy and will meet her needs and best interests. Thanks for listening :)
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