Tuesday, February 8, 2011

A Few Hours to Myself

I’ve really missed blogging and would like to find my way back into it. I took a break for a couple months  from both writing and reading blogs. For some reason I just wanted to be by myself. A lot of times when I get stressed and overwhelmed I shut down and hide in my own little corner of the world. I also have this insecurity about my writing in that I feel I don’t have anything important to say. But on the other hand, am I writing for my readers or for myself? Anyway, during this time off from blogging I didn’t really want to talk to anyone or talk about anything. I wanted to escape. Truth is I really don’t have a clue what I want. Like today, Becca was being really loud and I’m always wishing for some quiet time to myself. So, Eric was home and he offered to take her into town because he had to go to a specific store. I was looking forward to a quiet couple of hours to myself. So, I packed up some stuff for him to bring with him, kissed them goodbye and closed the door. As I watched her walk away from me in her daddy’s arms with her tiny arms wrapped around his neck, a mix of emotions suddenly overcame me. The house to myself! To do whatever I wanted. Yet there was an immediate feeling of emptiness. I plopped down on our uncomfortable couch to decide what to do with my time. It took all of three minutes to miss Rebecca. Well, I’ll just use this time to catch up on my TV shows I recorded. So, I watched them but felt very unsettled and not calm. Wondering in the back of my mind if they were alright. Said a prayer that they would be safe out there and not get into an accident. Not sure why that popped into my mind. I got nothing done except free up some space on my DVR. Then I hear the faint sound of a car door shut. Could that be them? Are they home? Hooray! At last! They came through the door and I felt relieved. I swoop up my little girl and shower her with hugs and kisses.  Be careful what you wish for. My time alone wasn’t what I imagined it would be. It was oddly unsettling. Maybe I like the security of the routine and mundane day I know to expect. It is safe and familiar and I am in control of all things involving my daughter. I guess I really don’t want the house all to myself. Or maybe it was just an off day. I guess I underestimate how connected I am with my daughter. She really does light up my world. Frustration and all.


  1. I understand what you mean about be nervous about you blogging! And I think what you felt about being away from your little girl is natural as well :) Let yourself enjoy some me time every now and then though!

  2. I have done this so many times. You want time for yourself and when you get it all you can do is think of your children. Natural for a mommy and even though it is hard for you to break away for a little refreshing time it is good because it helps you appreciate all over again what you have right in front of you :) I love you girl and thanks for sharing!

  3. I have to remind myself all the time why I'm blogging. Am I doing it for myself or for readers? Just think about why you started blogging to begin with and go from there.

    And I agree with the other commenters that it's natural for a mommy to feel "off" when your baby is somewhere else. But you gotta take time for yourself so make sure you enjoy it while you can!

  4. Hi, I found you while visiting another blog. Very nice blog! I am looking forward to reading more posts from you.
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  5. I TOTALLY feel you, girl! I'm the same way when my fam isn't all together...always worrying about if they're alright and when they're gonna be home again. It's like I can't even enjoy my free moments.

    Thanks for coming by my blog. And I hope you start blogging again regularly. :D


  6. Hey there, new follower here.

    I can completely relate to what you have said in this post about the purpose of blogging AND the "Me" time mixed emotions.

    I follow quite a few blogs and every now and then I am tempted to join in on the q&a memes or some other blogger fad. I always have to stop myself though; don't get me wrong, I love reading OTHER people's q&a's but that is not why I started blogging. If I wanted to answer questions regarding my preference of Coke/Pepsi I would turn to Facebook. Every now and then I have to remind myself why I started blogging.

    I follow blogs because they interest me, but just because they are doing something doesn't mean that I have to change the direction of my blog.

    As for the uneasiness when your husband and daughter left.... well, I get it. Totally. I can sit here all day hoping for just a few minutes of quiet and then, the rare occasion I actually get it I am sitting here counting the minutes until they get home... LOL. We are crazy, I guess that's what being a Mom is all about.

    I'm glad I found your blog, I hope you continue blogging because I can't wait to read more.