Thursday, September 16, 2010

Catch Up

Lots going on over in my household, mostly with me. I toured two different daycare/preschools for Becca. I have narrowed down four in the area that I am interested in. The two that I I really liked a lot and would be comfortable taking her. She actually played around the kids and seemed okay. The people were very friendly and were talking with her. They have a very structured curriculum that incorporates learning and group activities. Everything I want for my Becca. The other place I toured I didn't like at all. It made me uncomfortable just being there because I felt the workers didn't really want to be there either. So, that's a definite no. I emailed two other places and haven't heard from either one, so I will call them on the phone and see if that works better.
I began making my Christmas cards last week. I have 80 to do and I bought all my paper and ribbon I needed...I already have my stamps I'm going to use. So, that's fun :)
I am getting back into God's Word after a concerned friend help give me a reality check. I am thankful for that friend. God always uses her specifically to help re-align my focus where it needs to be. She is the one friend that I count on to tell me what I need to hear when I don't want to hear it. The bare-bones honest truth. Sometimes you just get stuck on the conveyer belt of life, just coasting, not really going up or down or doing anything meaningful...that's where I was. Just going about my way, doing what I want the way I want it. Nothing harmful, but I was miserable and unhappy. I need to be filled with the spirit and be soaked with God's Word and not allow the ways of the world to cloud judgment and get caught up in materialism and greed and being self-absorbed. But I want to be used by God, so through Him my life will have a higher purpose, be used for good. To look outside my own problems and reach out to others in this world. Use my strengths, instead of dwelling on all my weaknesses. Choosing to have joy and be content with my many blessings instead of throwing myself a pity-party about all the things I'm not happy about and wish were different. I need to focus on the things I can change and make those things better. There is distance in my relationship with God and it is my own fault. He is always there, I put that distance there between us. And it is up to me to put my pride, and ego and self-centeredness aside and acknowledge that I don't know what's best for me and release the controlling hold I have on my own life which is headed for internal destruction. See, you can appear to have it all together on the outside but be broken on the inside. It's called living a lie, and there is a lot of it going on in the world. Very few people have it all together, they are just too afraid to be vulnerable and reach out and be honest about it. Wow, I am getting carried away here, airing it all out at once. It's just a jumbled mess of thoughts with no clarity. I am trying to make some sense in my head and it started by finally beginning to get things right with God. Putting him back in the drivers seat instead of in the trunk. I've been too lazy and stubborn to do the right thing for my life. Wanting to do things my way, without God, and I feel that way leads to a dead-end with a meaningless existence. It is a daily decision to live a spirit-filled life, and it is hard to do the right thing when the wrong thing is so much easier and more comfortable. But it doesn't bring lasting peace or joy. It is just for a moment and then it fades. Things we all have heard a hundred times, but you have to first experience it a hundred times sometimes before it feels true. I am raising a daughter. She is my motivation for everything. I am her example for how to live and what am I teaching her by watching me? So, that is something personal I am going through right now.
Also some not-so-good news about my daughter. She had her two year doctor appointment on monday and it wasn't great. We learned that in one year she has only gained two pounds. She is in the 1% for kids her age. Not good. She is a very fussy eater and she has an over-abundance of energy. I kept track of everything she put in her mouth for a week and wrote it all down for the doctor to see and she said I am doing everything right. But how can that be? So, they drew blood from her and are going to check her kidneys, her thyroid, check for Celiac disease and also check if her metabolism is high. If all that comes back negative, they will check her heart with an echocardiogram. I am very concerned about her and I try everything I can on my part...I give her pediasure, I give her breads and muffins and hide fruits and veggies in them, I give her pastas made with veggies, I give her yogurt and things with peanut butter. If any of you would be so kind, please mention a little prayer for my little Rebecca that we can find a solution. I just want her to be healthy. We should get test results in a week by phone. Thanks for listening. It's nice to have a support system anywhere you can find it. And when you are in the military and move away from family and friends, it is very lonely. I'm glad I've found some virtual friends :)

Friday, September 10, 2010

A Tough Decision

Hello out there,
I have been out of the loop, I know. There is so much going on, it's like a daily whirlwind that is leaving me exhausted at the end of each night. What's so exhausting? Life. hahaha. I really don't have it that hard, I just don't think I'm very tough. So, my latest news is wrestling with a decision I am having to make regarding my daughter, and it is not an easy one. I have decided to put her into daycare part time. Just looking at those words and the thought of handing her over to people I don't know is like gut-wrenching. It's like being punched in the stomach. I am a stay at home mother and I chose to be that so I wouldn't have to make this decision. So why am I? Because I need to put my daughter's needs first. She is restless, un-focused, and needs socialization and interaction with other kids her own age. She is afraid of every adult besides her parents and her grandmother. For the past year she has been behind on her social skills and some developmental areas because of it. I truly think this is the right thing for her. I try my best to take her to the playground, and walks, and do activities with her, but she is still restless. She needs structure and things that will challenge her to grow. It has been so emotional wrestling with this decision. My husband and both of our parents have thought this was the best thing for her as well as her doctor for some time now, I just wasn't ready for my first experience of "letting go" to be this early. Now, we are only looking at part-time so it would only be like 2 days a week. I would still have her home most of the time, but somehow it doesn't help the way I feel. It's all part of the parenting process I suppose. I did throw myself a pity party. Accusing myself of not being enough for her, not doing a good enough job as her mother to provide all of her needs. I just want her to have the best there is and I want her to be healthy and happy. The idea of bringing her to a strange place with people we don't know....I don't want to frighten her or for her to think I won't be coming back. But at the same time, she is so dependent on me it is bordering on an unhealthy level, and it's important for her to learn to do some things on her own. But still, she's only two. May be officially a toddler, but to me, she is my precious baby girl. My joy. My angel. The light that brightens up the room when she smiles. So, today I have an appointment to tour a daycare center. I found four that I approved of based on online reviews and researching their websites. It would be so kind if any of you could mention me in your prayers just once if you remember. Please pray for wisdom to make the right decision for my daughter and to find a place that is trustworthy and will meet her needs and best interests. Thanks for listening :)

Monday, September 6, 2010

Book Review: Writing Down the Bones

This was an amazing book! It is a must read for anyone who writes. It totally captured my passion for writing, as if the author took a microscope to my thoughts on writing and put it into this book. It was very helpful and useful for improving your own writing including tips on how to write to your audience and how to "practice" writing. I never even knew there was such a thing, well I do now. The author speaks very candidly and it is well-written and very inviting to read. It made me want to write even more than I did before I started reading. I definitely recommend this book :)