Hello dear bloggers,
How have you all been? It's been a long time and I've missed reading your thought-provoking stories and encouraging words in your blogs. Thank you to any of you still willing to follow me after such a long silence. I'm here to give you a message....I'm coming back to blogging, I'm also here to tell you why the absence. So, here goes...
Those of you who used to read my blog regularly, and I know who you are, know that I've struggled for a while with the trials of being a stay at home mother to a toddler as well as feeling very run down. After much time, I decided to get some help, because whatever I was doing just wasn't cutting it. This was a difficult decision for me. But at that point, I had reached rock bottom and I had zero to lose. I decided to see a counselor. It was very helpful and felt comfortable right away, oddly very comfortable pouring out my problems...probably because I have a habit of keeping them bottled up. It was very helpful to me. He told me to get evaluated by a physician, so I did. I was told I had postpartum depression as well as a very high anxiety disorder. That explains a lot. So, I began taking medication and seeing my counselor once a week and my doctor once a month as well. I am doing better these days but it is a slow process. It was a gradual fall, so it must take a gradual climb to heal the bruises and scars. I'm glad I did it and I feel I have a message to share with so many out there who feel lost like I did. Who hate what they see in the mirror and wonder what point there is to keep on going. It was a scary time. But I have hope. Hope in my future. I've learned much about my life and who I really am. Not the me I pretended to be but what I really want and what's really important. I thought I knew myself but I really didn't. That's where the counseling really helped. Not sure why counseling gets such a bad rap. It's quite educational.
My relationship with God is distant at the moment, but my faith is not gone. I know He is still there as always and He hears me when I call to Him. What saved me from going further down that road? I don't know. I still don't. I did pray over and over...so maybe God delivered me from my pain. I say God is the answer when you don't see an answer.
Anyway, moving on....we are moving to California and I can't wait to go! To leave this place filled with bad memories can't come soon enough. But I've really missed blogging and journaling my thoughts and reading about yours too. So the crazy fun of the holiday is coming soon and once things settle down I will be returning to blogging after the new year.
I have hope in my future and I can't wait to see what's in store for me. Just because I am imperfect and have countless flaws, doesn't mean my life isn't important, which I once thought was so. I've decided to embrace life. To watch my daughter grow up and grow old with my husband. To share with people my story and find the voice within myself.
I have small accomplishment to share. I finished school and got a diploma in medical transcription after two years. I did it all on my own and passed with a 92 average. I also have decided to pursue my dream of being a writer. It is my passion and I hope I can believe in myself enough to realize that there is much power through words and writing. I choose to use that power for good and share my message through my journey I've been on.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season! You'll be hearing from me soon!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Not sure what's happening lately, but I am growing weak and tired and frazzled. I am not sleeping well and my patience is running dry. I can't think straight because there is so much noise. Noise of the tv always on, which was once comforting in keeping me company and not feeling lonely, but now has become a nuisance....everything, and I mean everything annoys me...the neighbors and loud vehicles outside, the phone ringing, the dog barking......but the most disturbing noise of them all....the noise that won't stop....the noise that bothers me more than anything...brace yourselves because this isn't pretty....it's the sound of my daughter's voice never ceasing. I know, I know, but I can't help it. It's overwhelming me. So many people have it so much harder than me, but having a two year old is just running my resources dry. She went 5 hours straight talking without a break (that's right...I know what I typed), all the while in a voice that is about 10 decibels louder than I am comfortable with. She isn't a child that stays still and quietly watches a movie or playing with her toys...she has to be entertained at all times and can't be still, she has to be moving and running around and goes from one thing to the next out of boredom. What has happened here? I loved being a stay at home mom when she was an infant and didn't talk and didn't walk. It was controlled and managed. Am I not cut out for this? Do I not have enough patience for this? I long for the day when she can be more independent...go to the bathroom herself, feed herself, play by herself, so I can go back to doing my own thing. I mean, how selfish is that? I've been told so many times that I'm gonna miss this time. When she goes to school and doesn't need me anymore I will miss the days where I am wrapped around her finger and am her whole world. I just don't feel that way right now. Maybe I need to ask God to change my heart. A lot of times I feel like a single parent on my own. Eric works nights so he sleeps in late and then sometimes he goes running before work, so really he only has a couple hours to help me during the day and he's usually doing his own thing..either with the computer or the truck or the tv. I need more breaks I think. We don't have family or friends around that we trust yet to babysit Becca, so I don't get any breaks except for when we visit one of our parents who help out sometimes in watching Becca. I just feel like a well run dry, or a car running on empty. I don't feel depressed or sad, because I have much to be thankful for and am past hating myself. I have gained a lot of acceptance of who I am and am still in that process, I just feel a bit maxed out. There is just no balance in my life. It's hard sometimes being a military wife. And I struggle with adapting to my situations. It comes very difficult for me and it takes me a long time. Maybe it's a time management problem. If I utilize my time better when Becca is asleep, I can make the time to focus on me instead of filling it with things that need to be done. I feel I've been neglecting myself and my own needs to serve everyone else's. Like when you don't eat for days and your system shuts down and you grow weak and tired and lack energy...that's how I feel. Something's gotta change around here.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
When I feel I need some space, I take a walk outside,
I seek peace, I breathe at ease and look up to the sky.
I feel the air brush through my hair and tickle the top of my skin,
I close my eyes and think of God, hoping to connect with Him.
I begin to feel that He is there,
Reminding me that He still cares.
The truth is that He never left, it's me that pushes Him away.
Why I fight Him, I don't know,
Living my way, I'll never grow.
Without Him present in my life, I'll never find my way.
Without Him present in my life, I'll never find my way.
Eyes still closed, I feel the sun's warm rays upon my face,
It's God's way of embracing me and restoring my faith.
He gives me the peace I struggle to find behind my home's four walls,
These walls are closing in on me and I struggle to breathe.
I need to find an escape from this place,
To feel free and to be me.
I feel constrained and confined,
Release me from this cage.
These chains of life have bound me,
And at moments I feel enraged.
I cry, "where are you God? Oh please help me."
He replies, "I'm right here, no need to fear, I've heard your plea."
I sit in His presence saying nothing at all,
He reads my soul and answers its call.
He comforts me, knowing exactly what I need.
I can finally rest, I can finally breathe.
In His presence, He digs deep through the layers, uncovering the hidden real me.
I feel my chest open up, my back feels lighter,
He lifted my burden my outlook is brighter.
Thank you, God for rescuing me and renewing and restoring me once again.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
It's been a tough couple of weeks. I haven't really written much or been checking up on my favorite blogs that I follow. Not that I don't care or don't have anything to say, I feel my head is just a bit jumbled and in a fog right now. You know when you just have so much on your mind it kind of becomes a big blur and all the separate issues just combine into a hazy mess of thoughts? I struggle to find where to start and how to form it into words and sentences. All these issues I've been stressing over just all combined together at one time. They are not small issues, every single one is life-altering in a huge way and they involve my life as well as people I am very close to. It was starting to affect my health with headaches, sleeplessness and backaches as well as struggling to focus and lack of patience with daily things around the house. I am an emotional stress mess. The way I relieve stress is to talk about it and then I feel a release within me. I can't really do that this time around because some of these stressers deal with other people's lives that I have been asked not to repeat. I need to lift up all of these stressers to God, because He is the only one who can handle this because it is simply too much for one person to carry. For any of you willing, please pray that I can give these burdens to God instead of trying to handle everything on my own strength which is clearly not willing. I am very stubborn, and though I know in my head what to do, my will is stubborn and addicted to being in control. I need to trust God and let go instead of having to have all the answers immediately. I also can't stress about things beyond my control, especially when it's a decision that someone else has to make in their own lives. We can't always save someone, they need to save themselves or see that they need to be saved. I can only be responsible for myself and my actions and decisions. What's done is done and needs to be left in the past...not question things and go down the "what if?" lane. What is the piece of advice everybody always gives?.....one day at a time, focus on one thing at a time or it is too overwhelming. I, myself have said it, but I struggle to live it. It all makes sense in my head, and words of wisdom come to mind at the right time that I need it, but putting those thoughts into action in my life is a totally separate thing. It's so hard to actually do it for some reason. I will keep working on it. I need to ask God for help with it because I believe He can help equip me with the right shoes to walk on this stony path. Now if only I could do more than just talk about what I want to do and say all the right things, if only I could apply it to my life and do it and take my own advice. Time will tell....
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Guess I'm not quite out of the woods like I had hoped and even assumed. One of my last posts I mentioned I had stopped the Depression Cure program I was doing because I was feeling so much better I naively thought I was cured. I credited God for my miraculous change. I do believe God helped lift me out of the "dark place" as I call it, but I am not cured. I stopped taking my vitamins and reading my Bible for the past couple weeks and I am feeling some of those emotions creeping back in. I need to get back on my vitamins and my reading and praying. I guess I didn't realize that I would have to keep at it and incorporate these continually, instead of thinking of it as a quick fix. I read that most people with a history of depression continue to struggle with it over many years. So, it's a much deeper problem that I must continue to apply the things that work, even when I'm doing well, and not just when things are going poorly. I don't know what it is that I reach out to God when I've exhausted everything in my power that has not worked, I go to Him as my last resort because I know He can fix everything, and then He does, and I thank Him, but I just go along on my merry way doing things the way I want. I need to learn to go to Him even when things are good. I also noticed my patience is wearing thin at home with my husband and daughter. My husband is never home, and when he is he's in the middle of projects that he's working on. My daughter is going through a really difficult time...I know now why it is called the terrible two's because they really are awful. She is so highly energetic, she lacks focus and cannot keep still. She is stubborn and gaining more and more independence and defiance with each day. I am simply not used to such a strong personality, and it is difficult for me who is more passive and quiet and low key to keep up with her. She wears me out so quickly. I need to not have such a short fuse with her, she is just learning and I am the one to teach her how to be. I can't get upset and frustrated just because things aren't the way I want them to be, I need to just deal with what the reality is and find a way to come up to her level instead of trying to pull her down to mine.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there. I had a wonderful weekend with my mom. She drove down here to visit with me this weekend and we had a girls day out yesterday. First we exchanged gifts...my mom gave me money to go shopping with as well as an Italian shirt and some Italian magnets for my fridge along with chocolate covered pretzels..my weakness. For her, I spent all week working on her present. I made her a shadowbox with pictures of the two of us as well as a poem that I wrote for her. She loved it! We went out to lunch at an Italian bistro and then went shopping together for shoes and dresses for some special occasions coming up this summer. It was really fun. We brought dinner home and then had ice cream for dessert later on. Today I wore one of my new dresses I got from yesterday and my husband made us waffles for breakfast, then we took some family pictures outside and after that my mom left to go home. I'm glad to have had that time with her though. It was a lot of fun. So, Becca and I watched a movie together after she left and then I painted her toenails and fingernails and then I did mine. We both got dressed up and then we just played with her toys. We had dinner just me and her on the porch outside and had spaghetti and meatballs. Nice and low key but I just enjoy spending time with her. Here are some captured moments from this weekend...
|The gift I made for my mom|
|Me and my mom on Saturday|
|Wearing my new dress on Mother's Day|
|Becca in a pretty dress|
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Hello all. I have to say I'm not totally keeping up with the program. I did a little this week and I still am taking my vitamins, but I really don't feel anything like what I felt when I was depressed. I think I'm over it. This week I was supposed to write down times where I was sad, and it only happened twice and it wasn't even that bad. So, thank the Lord, because I think He pulled me out of it, because I don't see any other explanations. I just simply stopped feeling that way. Though I don't feel depressed, I have a long way to go, but I do see progress and that's encouraging. I no longer hate myself. I am trying to just stay positive and see the good instead of magnifying the bad. There are some big changes happening over here. Eric will be finding out his orders next week and we will know where we're moving. I'm excited for a fresh start and I am hoping and praying we will be able to buy our first house with the money we've saved. I am learning all over again to trust God with everything, because His way is better than mine. You can say that all you want, and I have, but it's completely different to actually believe it and live it as if you do. Life application.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The first week of The Depression Cure was a great one! What a terrific start to the program. I am very optimistic and feeling positive about the whole thing. The first week focused on Nutrition. I took the suggested Omega-3 Vitamin and Ginkgo Biloba…both help with depression and increase mental focus. I also took my two iron pills for my anemia (one isn’t enough for me), as well as a one-a-day woman’s multi-vitamin and a Vitamin C too. So, all these I took once a day for a week. I felt such a difference. I was focused and I had lots of energy. I normally am tired a lot and just want to lie down; I didn’t feel this way at all. Also part of the program you have to watch your food and drink intake. So, I wrote down everything I ate and drink…I had to increase my liquids. The first day was pretty bad….I saw on paper how I actually eat. But I’m getting better. I also incorporated some personal things into the program that I wanted to get in the habit of….to read my Bible every day and spend a little more time on my appearance in the morning, so I don’t feel like a troll all day, like I usually do. Spend an extra 5-10 minutes and do my makeup…it really makes me feel good about myself and puts a little boost in my self-esteem. And reading my Bible every day realigns my focus and perspective with God’s and things seem a little easier to manage and deal with. Anyway, the results of the first week were encouraging. I was very focused, I had energy, I wasn’t tired or moping around. I even felt positive and good about myself, and didn’t feel sad or depressed at all that week, and I even got some difficult news that could've made things bad for me. But I didn’t dwell on it, just dealt with it like a grown up. I was in a good mood and was encouraged that I have the power to turn things around by taking small steps. Week #2 begins tomorrow and I still have to keep up with all the things from week #1, but this week focuses on Rumination. This means any time I start to feel negative or have depressing feelings, I write them down. Looking forward to the next week : ) Take care everyone.
Hope you had a nice Easter!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
What exactly makes an adult anyway? It's only partially age until you reach a certain number I suppose. Is it maturity? Attitude? Responsibility? Choices? I know people older than me who seem like less of an adult,even childish; yet I know people younger than me that seem like more of an adult than me, with even more wisdom. It's during the lowest times that our true self is revealed. Our natural response surfaces with our true feelings, not just what you want other people to see. Our walls go up to protect from vulnerability, hiding what is raw within. Maybe it's putting other people before yourself. Making the right decision, even when it's hard to do and involves sacrifice on your part. Isn't it sad that many times terrible trauma that happens to children force them to grow up too soon? But what makes them more grown up then us? That they had to face adult issues way too soon? Most definitely. I am 28 years old and don't feel completely like an adult. I think there is so much expectation as an adult. Get married, have kids, possibly have a career. It's like the checklist of your life. I have compared my life with the lives of my friends around me for so long, I feel I've lost a bit of myself. My life shouldn't be like everyone else's, and it isn't, but I need to celebrate my individuality more, what makes me stand out from everyone else. Maybe I'm too much of an adult, taking care of my responsibilities and trying to be the perfect stay at home mother and wife, but I'm not having any fun along the way. The fun is supposed to be in the journey, right? I just might be too focused on getting to the end result I'm not enjoying myself. Maybe part of being an adult is finding the right balance in life, and the right perspective and attitude as well. I put more pressure on myself than anyone else. Make sure the house looks perfect, that there is always a good meal to eat, that my husband and child's needs are met. My list in life doesn't even include myself, and I am now realizing how wrong that is. I need to give myself permission to take time for myself and make sure some of my needs are met too, and I'm now realizing that isn't a selfish thing. Jesus tells us in His Word to put ourselves last and others first, and it's true....but that doesn't mean I neglect myself...that's the difference. Maybe maturity is also looking at the bigger picture in the long run. Choosing to have a positive attitude. Doing the right thing when you really don't want to do it. Maybe I'm too focused on being an adult, I feel old and boring. I want to get back to enjoying each day, not just what I need to do to get through it. Do I want my daughter to look back at her childhood and remember me as being boring and not wanting to do anything? All I do is clean and cook? That's not what I want. That's not how I want to be. Here's the funny part....I have the power to change that...I just have to choose to.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I finished reading “The Depression Cure” by Stephen S. Ilardi PhD a few weeks ago, and I decided to give the program a try. It’s a 6-step program to beat depression without the use of any kind of medicine. I think my depression has gotten better. I’ve definitely come out of that dark place I was in last year. That place of hopelessness where you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and you convince yourself that every day is going to always be the same and never get any better. This state of negativity is toxic and the isolation is my poison. Every person I care about many miles away, it just made me sadder and sadder. Though I am a Christian, I shut out God, wanted nothing to do with anybody. Just wanted to be alone, yet I despised being alone. The worst war is the one within yourself, when your mind battles against your heart. I guess I never really understood what being depressed was until I experienced it. I thought it was just being sad, but it’s so much more than that. It’s actually a mental imbalance that manifests itself. So, when people you love get frustrated with you and wish you would “snap out of it”, it only makes it harder because you can’t. It’s just not that easy. Your mind takes over and you lose control. So, anyway, this book really helped. It’s nice to know you’re not alone and not the only one who feels this way. Apparently it happens to a lot of people but no one wants to talk about it. Fear of being judged maybe, or a sign of weakness. But when I experienced the depth of depression, I reached a point where I no longer cared what people thought of me being depressed. I was mad at myself though, that friends of mine have more hardships than me to handle, yet somehow I couldn’t handle my own simple life. I don’t work, I only have one child with no special needs, so why does everything seem so hard? I guess my coping skills have gone down the tubes, because it seems I can’t think as clearly as I should be able to. The control freak that I am doesn’t like to ask for help. I like to do everything myself my own way. Then I get frustrated that I can’t do it all. If I could clone myself I think I might be able to. So, reading this book and getting more information about depression is my way of the first step in looking for help. It was actually really helpful. It relies on behavioral methods and natural remedies and not medicinal ones. It is a 7 week program, applying one new focus to each week and carrying them through the whole 7 weeks. The 7 focuses are: Nutrition, Rumination, Exercise, Light, Social Support, Sleep, and the last week is Evaluation. I’ve decided to follow it, adding my own twist to it and incorporate my own things I want to work on. I incorporated reading my Bible every day as well, and making myself put makeup on every day too. I don’t do it at home, but when I do, it makes me feel better about myself and puts a small boost in my confidence that I don’t look like a troll today. So, today is Day 1 of Nutrition week. I am keeping track of my food intake and forcing myself to drink more. I normally eat twice a day and drink about 10 oz of fluid the whole day. So, I am going to eat at least three meals a day and at least a full glass of liquid at each meal to start with. Also, the program says to take Omega-3 Vitamin, one-a-day vitamin, and Vitamin C every day which I got and took as well as my iron pills that I have to take because I’m anemic. I got up at 7:30am…took Max for a walk, showered, put on makeup and read my Bible. Just enough time before Becca woke up. Hopefully I can stick to this routine. I love schedules. I need schedules. I’m also trying to eat healthier, so for breakfast I made a breakfast sandwich (English muffin, egg, cheese) with a banana and 8 oz. orange juice. I am feeling good. I am feeling positive and optimistic that it’s a good start and every little bit of a good thing is a step forward. I am working my way up from not being able to look at myself in the mirror because I hated what I saw. Just hating everything about myself and nothing I did was ever good enough. I am trying to have a better attitude and look at things more positively, and learning to accept myself. That despite my shortcomings, inside I know I’m a good person and I have potential to do good things. To be a better wife, a better mother, a better person, a better me. The me I am meant to be.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I think I am a lazy person. It's the thing about me I have come to loathe. Now, I am a stay at home mom, so that in and of itself is a big job, and I handle the things that come with the job, but in my opinion, I do the bare minimum. I am my toughest critic, and I want to do more and do better. If perfection is unattainable, then there is always room for improvement. It is my own fault for being lazy. I think I base far too much on my emotions and how I feel at the time. I am lazy because I don't feel like doing things...plain and simple. I need to make the choice to take care of my responsibilities, whether I feel like it or not. I have been blessed with so much, and I need to take care of those blessings to the best of my ability...my husband, daughter, home, and even myself. I need to learn to include myself on the priority list, because if I don't take care of me, I can't take care of my family or my home unless my mind and my heart are in the right place. I need to find the proper balance. I can't spend all my time doing chores and cleaning because I neglect the most important people in my life and I end up feeling like a maid. I can't spend all my time on the people I love because the laundry piles up and the house becomes a chaotic mess. I need to put the Lord back in His rightful place at the top of my list, because He is the reason I have all these blessings. He is the ultimate navigator when I've lost my way, and man am I lost. He is whispering to me to come back to Him and I cover my ears and reply with a "later", and it has led me to unhappiness and loneliness and feelings of emptiness. Why don't I pray and read my Bible, even though I know I will be refreshed and my perspective will be re-aligned? Simple....because I don't feel like it. I need to make the choice to do the right thing, even when I don't feel like it, because the root of laziness is selfishness. It makes me feel good for this moment to sit and watch TV or read a magazine, rather than read my Bible or play with my daughter, or empty the dishwasher. Instead, I need to choose my daughter, because she will be off to school in a few years and all this free time with her will be a memory that I didn't fully utilize. I need to take care of the house, maybe put on some favorite music to make it more fun so it's not so boring. I need to force myself to get up a bit earlier in the day to pray and read to start my day off with the right focus and attitude. I need to make myself take care of my health by remembering to take necessary vitamins and eating and drinking properly to give me the energy to keep up throughout the day. It's all about choice. Choose to be lazy or choose not to be.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Eric and I don't make a big deal about Valentine's Day. We don't get lavish gifts for each other usually or anything like that. Most of the time it's a simple card and I'll make a nice dinner for us. It is a nice reminder though that it's important to show our love towards our significant other in special ways once in a while. It doesn't have to be the pressure of Valentine's Day, but after many years of marriage and when children enter and remain in the scene, romance takes a backseat. This year I decided to step it up a little bit. I am getting myself all dolled up...nice outfit (maybe a dress), makeup, curl the hair, the whole works. He has to go to work at 4pm so when Becca takes her nap at 2pm I will make us dinner (chicken parmesan) and set the table nice with candles and romantic music. Maybe dancing in our dining room? It's not much, but it's what I am able to do right now. I'm hoping it's enough to show him what he means to me. It's all about making an effort in the little things. Wish me luck. I hope you all have a lovely Valentine's Day reminding your special someone how much they mean to you.
Instead of a card I wrote him this poem:
You keep my feet on solid ground,
You are the rock that I have found.
You see past my surface pride,
And find the real me that hides inside.
You make me laugh, can make make smile,
Please come and stay with me awhile.
Wrap your arms around me tight,
And tell me everything’s all right.
You make my frown turn upside-down,
Though I have tried, from you I cannot hide.
Your faith in me makes me believe,
I can be all that I have dreamed.
You guide me safely to that place,
That I am able to escape…
All the bad that’s in my life,
I am so proud to be your wife.
You accept me flaws and all,
Baby, of you I am in awe.
You lead me when I can’t see,
And then I start to believe…
That I can stand tall, don’t have to fall,
I can be the real me after all.
You make me whole, restore my soul,
You make me shine, so glad you’re mine.
Will you be my Valentine?
Love Always and Forever,
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I’ve really missed blogging and would like to find my way back into it. I took a break for a couple months from both writing and reading blogs. For some reason I just wanted to be by myself. A lot of times when I get stressed and overwhelmed I shut down and hide in my own little corner of the world. I also have this insecurity about my writing in that I feel I don’t have anything important to say. But on the other hand, am I writing for my readers or for myself? Anyway, during this time off from blogging I didn’t really want to talk to anyone or talk about anything. I wanted to escape. Truth is I really don’t have a clue what I want. Like today, Becca was being really loud and I’m always wishing for some quiet time to myself. So, Eric was home and he offered to take her into town because he had to go to a specific store. I was looking forward to a quiet couple of hours to myself. So, I packed up some stuff for him to bring with him, kissed them goodbye and closed the door. As I watched her walk away from me in her daddy’s arms with her tiny arms wrapped around his neck, a mix of emotions suddenly overcame me. The house to myself! To do whatever I wanted. Yet there was an immediate feeling of emptiness. I plopped down on our uncomfortable couch to decide what to do with my time. It took all of three minutes to miss Rebecca. Well, I’ll just use this time to catch up on my TV shows I recorded. So, I watched them but felt very unsettled and not calm. Wondering in the back of my mind if they were alright. Said a prayer that they would be safe out there and not get into an accident. Not sure why that popped into my mind. I got nothing done except free up some space on my DVR. Then I hear the faint sound of a car door shut. Could that be them? Are they home? Hooray! At last! They came through the door and I felt relieved. I swoop up my little girl and shower her with hugs and kisses. Be careful what you wish for. My time alone wasn’t what I imagined it would be. It was oddly unsettling. Maybe I like the security of the routine and mundane day I know to expect. It is safe and familiar and I am in control of all things involving my daughter. I guess I really don’t want the house all to myself. Or maybe it was just an off day. I guess I underestimate how connected I am with my daughter. She really does light up my world. Frustration and all.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I do miss blogging, it’s been awhile. After a rough year last year, I feel things are improving positively. Although I still have those days where I’m feeling down...but doesn’t everybody? I guess the difference is how you handle those days and how truly low those “down” days are. I think part of it is boredom, to tell you the truth. I mean, there’s always stuff to do around here…taking care of the house, Becca, errands, etc. But, nothing really exciting to look forward to. My days are pretty monotonous. I am just taking baby steps right now. Trying to focus on having a good attitude and being thankful and content about myself and my life as it is now, instead of zeroing in on all the things I dislike about myself and the things I want to change. I need to accept myself as I am, and I am working on that. I want to be the best I can be for the people who mean the most to me. And maybe a little for myself.
I am still studying to be a medical transcriptionist. It’s beginning to be more stressful as my course is quickly coming to the end. I am eager to see what this new education will bring to my life. I hope for good things. It would be nice to stay away from sales. I really don’t want to do that anymore.
Though I am training for this transcription capability, I am quietly pursuing writing on the side. It is a passion within me that is growing more and more and calling out within me to be used and explored. I love to write, but didn’t quite realize how much until recently.
So, a new year is here. One I am quite excited about in fact. There are some great events to look forward to this year. Like what, you ask? Like a new move for us…possibly our first house. Like my daughter’s 3rd birthday and my niece’s 1st birthday. Like my little brother turning 18 and graduating high school. And top it off with me and Eric’s 10 year wedding anniversary, just to name a few. Thinking of these special things make me smile and give me motivation to be a better me. To enjoy this year and all its milestones. To choose to be positive and see the potential of big changes. Let’s hope my darkest days are finally behind me. To learn from the memory and use those experiences to help others and to remind myself of the person I don’t want to be. Cheers to you, faithful readers of my blog. I appreciate all your kind words and support to a stranger. You are encouraging to me. My poison was loneliness and both God and friendships were the cure. Bottom line is it comes down to the choices you make and the attitude you have. Both things I can control. With Jesus as my guide, I must keep Him close; and with support of family and friends, I’m gonna be just fine.