Acknowledging Progress

Tonight I sat down and officially and seriously began working on my book that I want to write. In the past few months I have jotted down some notes on possible title and chapter names, but today I got out all my journals and read through previous things I have written to begin breaking down sections and forming some kind of outline. I tell myself that I can do this, half-believing it of course, but it's a start. I have struggled with this idea and desire to write a book because I haven't been able to narrow down a theme to focus the book around. Well, reading through my journals and writings, it is clear to me that there are three themes. They definitely intertwine at times but can also be their own separate thing as well. All three themes are about my personal journey through these three different aspects of my life. My fear that no one will be interested in what I have to say is still there, but my desire to write is becoming more dominant all the time. I am pushing through the fear one baby step at a time.
Now, I want to talk about my journals. As I was reading through them, I was able to see and appreciate how far I have come since my darkest days that began about five years ago. There is most definitely a journey that slowly progresses and goes through stages. I can see a separation between then and now. Though it is not a night and day distinction, it is still there, and for that I am grateful. Re-reading the emotion-filled rantings of desperate pleas and angry outbursts as well as loneliness and hopelessness was eye-opening. It was really, really sad actually. This person was so lost and just miserable, but her perspective was so off. She couldn't help herself, she was sinking in a sea of quicksand. I can't believe that was me. I am grateful that I feel I have moved on from that part of my life. I am thankful that I now have a glimmer of hope. That there is still possibility for me. That if I change my perspective and open up my mind and my heart, things can get better. And they have. I thank God for that. I pray and I feel restored. I am trying to see myself in a way that I think God might see me. Through His eyes and not through my own flawed ones. I am a vessel; that's what I am. I am what I am. No over-estimation; no under-estimation. I don't have to be what I was or even what I am now. I can choose what I am to be. And teaming up with God opens things up to even more possibilities. This is the way I want things to be. This is how I choose for things to be. It is not too late for me. There is still time. It's all about making the choice. Removing the pressure. Removing the expectations. Enough with the over-analyzing and micromanaging. When I have questions and need some direction and guidance, I know where to go. I am feeling positive and hopeful and I'm grateful for that.

What Now?

What Now?

I've been listening to Rihanna's new song "What Now". Well, it's new to me anyway. I just love the angst and emotion in her voice. Not that I love that she feels that way but it makes for beautiful music, and believable and relate-able too. I, too, have felt this in recent months. See, I've been on a quest for feeling for quite some time now. Anything besides numbness. Not sure if it's due to medication I've been on, or if it's just a dense fog that has overtaken me. Either way, it's very unsettling. I try not to get lost in the big questions, such as "what's the meaning of it all?" and "what does it matter anyway?". Then the analytical side of me takes over and it's all downhill from there. It takes weeks to come out of. I get bored of being stationary, yet I don't like being too mobile either. So, what does that mean exactly? That I'm fickle? Can't make up my mind. My biggest weakness is laziness tied with lack of follow-through. I require high levels of motivation to do anything. Simply because it needs to be done is not a good enough reason for me. This discourages me and makes me want to live in a hole. I'm uncomfortable in large gatherings of people because I am uncomfortable with people in my personal space. Yet I get depressed when I am alone because isolation is toxic for me. I cannot make a decision for what I want to do with myself. I have been learning to accept myself and after a nasty battle with depression, I had to re-learn how to like myself. But the hard questions surface when I gather the courage to face the mirror. Do I trust myself? How well do I know myself? What am I hiding? What am I afraid of and am I brave enough to face it? When faced with the fight or flight response, I always flee, followed immediately by hiding and pretending to be invisible. If I avoid it and pretend it's not there, it will just go away. Pretty immature if you ask me. Yet I feel there is sadness that dwells inside me; a heaviness that I avoid strongly. I cannot stop digging for answers and truth. Yet when I find them, it's too scary to follow through to the end. That's where the healing begins, right? I fear that the weights will always be there. How do you live with a person you don't understand? And what if that person is you? Do you ever feel like you don't really know yourself? I struggle with the knowledge that once I faced the truth about my past, everything I ever once knew about myself was a lie. That person I once was has died. It's been replaced by this hollow shell of a person who has perfected the routine of going through the motions. What I long for is depth and meaning and purpose. Medication. Therapy. Books. Research. It helps, but only goes so far. I am realizing that I need to go more powerful. When I have exhausted all my power, and I still feel lost, I guess that's my answer. That this is bigger than me. Time to look up. The Ultimate Healer. Yet my pride wants to fix it on my own. It's a battle and I have to make this much harder than it needs to be. There is a quiet strength that surfaces when you reach desperation. You reach that point where you just want anything to be different. Just to feel something besides hopelessness, and sadness, and heaviness. Where you let go and release control wholeheartedly. Only then can the first step of healing and moving forward begin. Time to stop belittling myself and demanding expectations and punishing myself when I continue to fall short. Reality check, Miss Alaina. You are due.

Poem I wrote

When I feel I need some space, I take a walk outside,

I seek peace, I breathe at ease and look up to the sky.

I feel the air brush through my hair and tickle the top of my skin,

I close my eyes and think of God, hoping to connect with Him.

I begin to feel that He is there, 

Reminding me that He still cares.

The truth is that He never left, it's me that pushes Him away.

Why I fight Him, I don't know,

Living my way, I'll never grow.
Without Him present in my life, I'll never find my way.

Eyes still closed, I feel the sun's warm rays upon my face,

It's God's way of embracing me and restoring my faith.

He gives me the peace I struggle to find behind my home's four walls,

These walls are closing in on me and I struggle to breathe.

I need to find an escape from this place,

To feel free and to be me.

I feel constrained and confined,

Release me from this cage.

These chains of life have bound me,

And at moments I feel enraged.

I cry, "where are you God? Oh please help me."

He replies, "I'm right here, no need to fear, I've heard your plea."

I sit in His presence saying nothing at all,

He reads my soul and answers its call.

He comforts me, knowing exactly what I need.

I can finally rest, I can finally breathe.

In His presence, He digs deep through the layers, uncovering the hidden real me.

I feel my chest open up, my back feels lighter,

He lifted my burden my outlook is brighter.

Thank you, God for rescuing me and renewing and restoring me once again.

Learning to Manage Stress

It's been a tough couple of weeks. I haven't really written much or been checking up on my favorite blogs that I follow. Not that I don't care or don't have anything to say, I feel my head is just a bit jumbled and in a fog right now. You know when you just have so much on your mind it kind of becomes a big blur and all the separate issues just combine into a hazy mess of thoughts? I struggle to find where to start and how to form it into words and sentences. All these issues I've been stressing over just all combined together at one time. They are not small issues, every single one is life-altering in a huge way and they involve my life as well as people I am very close to. It was starting to affect my health with headaches, sleeplessness and backaches as well as struggling to focus and lack of patience with daily things around the house. I am an emotional stress mess. The way I relieve stress is to talk about it and then I feel a release within me. I can't really do that this time around because some of these stressers deal with other people's lives that I have been asked not to repeat. I need to lift up all of these stressers to God, because He is the only one who can handle this because it is simply too much for one person to carry. For any of you willing, please pray that I can give these burdens to God instead of trying to handle everything on my own strength which is clearly not willing. I am very stubborn, and though I know in my head what to do, my will is stubborn and addicted to being in control. I need to trust God and let go instead of having to have all the answers immediately. I also can't stress about things beyond my control, especially when it's a decision that someone else has to make in their own lives. We can't always save someone, they need to save themselves or see that they need to be saved. I can only be responsible for myself and my actions and decisions. What's done is done and needs to be left in the past...not question things and go down the "what if?" lane. What is the piece of advice everybody always gives?.....one day at a time, focus on one thing at a time or it is too overwhelming. I, myself have said it, but I struggle to live it. It all makes sense in my head, and words of wisdom come to mind at the right time that I need it, but putting those thoughts into action in my life is a totally separate thing. It's so hard to actually do it for some reason. I will keep working on it. I need to ask God for help with it because I believe He can help equip me with the right shoes to walk on this stony path. Now if only I could do more than just talk about what I want to do and say all the right things, if only I could apply it to my life and do it and take my own advice. Time will tell....

Work in Progress

I do miss blogging, it’s been awhile. After a rough year last year, I feel things are improving positively. Although I still have those days where I’m feeling down...but doesn’t everybody? I guess the difference is how you handle those days and how truly low those “down” days are. I think part of it is boredom, to tell you the truth. I mean, there’s always stuff to do around here…taking care of the house, Becca, errands, etc. But, nothing really exciting to look forward to. My days are pretty monotonous. I am just taking baby steps right now. Trying to focus on having a good attitude and being thankful and content about myself and my life as it is now, instead of zeroing in on all the things I dislike about myself and the things I want to change. I need to accept myself as I am, and I am working on that. I want to be the best I can be for the people who mean the most to me. And maybe a little for myself.

I am still studying to be a medical transcriptionist. It’s beginning to be more stressful as my course is quickly coming to the end. I am eager to see what this new education will bring to my life. I hope for good things. It would be nice to stay away from sales. I really don’t want to do that anymore.

Though I am training for this transcription capability, I am quietly pursuing writing on the side. It is a passion within me that is growing more and more and calling out within me to be used and explored. I love to write, but didn’t quite realize how much until recently.

So, a new year is here. One I am quite excited about in fact. There are some great events to look forward to this year. Like what, you ask? Like a new move for us…possibly our first house. Like my daughter’s 3^rd birthday and my niece’s 1^st birthday. Like my little brother turning 18 and graduating high school. And top it off with me and Eric’s 10 year wedding anniversary, just to name a few. Thinking of these special things make me smile and give me motivation to be a better me. To enjoy this year and all its milestones. To choose to be positive and see the potential of big changes. Let’s hope my darkest days are finally behind me. To learn from the memory and use those experiences to help others and to remind myself of the person I don’t want to be. Cheers to you, faithful readers of my blog. I appreciate all your kind words and support to a stranger. You are encouraging to me. My poison was loneliness and both God and friendships were the cure. Bottom line is it comes down to the choices you make and the attitude you have. Both things I can control. With Jesus as my guide, I must keep Him close; and with support of family and friends, I’m gonna be just fine.

Catch Up

Lots going on over in my household, mostly with me. I toured two different daycare/preschools for Becca. I have narrowed down four in the area that I am interested in. The two that I toured...one I really liked a lot and would be comfortable taking her. She actually played around the kids and seemed okay. The people were very friendly and were talking with her. They have a very structured curriculum that incorporates learning and group activities. Everything I want for my Becca. The other place I toured I didn't like at all. It made me uncomfortable just being there because I felt the workers didn't really want to be there either. So, that's a definite no. I emailed two other places and haven't heard from either one, so I will call them on the phone and see if that works better.
I began making my Christmas cards last week. I have 80 to do and I bought all my paper and ribbon I needed...I already have my stamps I'm going to use. So, that's fun :)
I am getting back into God's Word after a concerned friend help give me a reality check. I am thankful for that friend. God always uses her specifically to help re-align my focus where it needs to be. She is the one friend that I count on to tell me what I need to hear when I don't want to hear it. The bare-bones honest truth. Sometimes you just get stuck on the conveyer belt of life, just coasting, not really going up or down or doing anything meaningful...that's where I was. Just going about my way, doing what I want the way I want it. Nothing harmful, but I was miserable and unhappy. I need to be filled with the spirit and be soaked with God's Word and not allow the ways of the world to cloud judgment and get caught up in materialism and greed and being self-absorbed. But I want to be used by God, so through Him my life will have a higher purpose, be used for good. To look outside my own problems and reach out to others in this world. Use my strengths, instead of dwelling on all my weaknesses. Choosing to have joy and be content with my many blessings instead of throwing myself a pity-party about all the things I'm not happy about and wish were different. I need to focus on the things I can change and make those things better. There is distance in my relationship with God and it is my own fault. He is always there, I put that distance there between us. And it is up to me to put my pride, and ego and self-centeredness aside and acknowledge that I don't know what's best for me and release the controlling hold I have on my own life which is headed for internal destruction. See, you can appear to have it all together on the outside but be broken on the inside. It's called living a lie, and there is a lot of it going on in the world. Very few people have it all together, they are just too afraid to be vulnerable and reach out and be honest about it. Wow, I am getting carried away here, airing it all out at once. It's just a jumbled mess of thoughts with no clarity. I am trying to make some sense in my head and it started by finally beginning to get things right with God. Putting him back in the drivers seat instead of in the trunk. I've been too lazy and stubborn to do the right thing for my life. Wanting to do things my way, without God, and I feel that way leads to a dead-end with a meaningless existence. It is a daily decision to live a spirit-filled life, and it is hard to do the right thing when the wrong thing is so much easier and more comfortable. But it doesn't bring lasting peace or joy. It is just for a moment and then it fades. Things we all have heard a hundred times, but you have to first experience it a hundred times sometimes before it feels true. I am raising a daughter. She is my motivation for everything. I am her example for how to live and what am I teaching her by watching me? So, that is something personal I am going through right now.
Also some not-so-good news about my daughter. She had her two year doctor appointment on monday and it wasn't great. We learned that in one year she has only gained two pounds. She is in the 1% for kids her age. Not good. She is a very fussy eater and she has an over-abundance of energy. I kept track of everything she put in her mouth for a week and wrote it all down for the doctor to see and she said I am doing everything right. But how can that be? So, they drew blood from her and are going to check her kidneys, her thyroid, check for Celiac disease and also check if her metabolism is high. If all that comes back negative, they will check her heart with an echocardiogram. I am very concerned about her and I try everything I can on my part...I give her pediasure, I give her breads and muffins and hide fruits and veggies in them, I give her pastas made with veggies, I give her yogurt and things with peanut butter. If any of you would be so kind, please mention a little prayer for my little Rebecca that we can find a solution. I just want her to be healthy. We should get test results in a week by phone. Thanks for listening. It's nice to have a support system anywhere you can find it. And when you are in the military and move away from family and friends, it is very lonely. I'm glad I've found some virtual friends :)