Acknowledging Progress

Tonight I sat down and officially and seriously began working on my book that I want to write. In the past few months I have jotted down some notes on possible title and chapter names, but today I got out all my journals and read through previous things I have written to begin breaking down sections and forming some kind of outline. I tell myself that I can do this, half-believing it of course, but it's a start. I have struggled with this idea and desire to write a book because I haven't been able to narrow down a theme to focus the book around. Well, reading through my journals and writings, it is clear to me that there are three themes. They definitely intertwine at times but can also be their own separate thing as well. All three themes are about my personal journey through these three different aspects of my life. My fear that no one will be interested in what I have to say is still there, but my desire to write is becoming more dominant all the time. I am pushing through the fear one baby step at a time.
Now, I want to talk about my journals. As I was reading through them, I was able to see and appreciate how far I have come since my darkest days that began about five years ago. There is most definitely a journey that slowly progresses and goes through stages. I can see a separation between then and now. Though it is not a night and day distinction, it is still there, and for that I am grateful. Re-reading the emotion-filled rantings of desperate pleas and angry outbursts as well as loneliness and hopelessness was eye-opening. It was really, really sad actually. This person was so lost and just miserable, but her perspective was so off. She couldn't help herself, she was sinking in a sea of quicksand. I can't believe that was me. I am grateful that I feel I have moved on from that part of my life. I am thankful that I now have a glimmer of hope. That there is still possibility for me. That if I change my perspective and open up my mind and my heart, things can get better. And they have. I thank God for that. I pray and I feel restored. I am trying to see myself in a way that I think God might see me. Through His eyes and not through my own flawed ones. I am a vessel; that's what I am. I am what I am. No over-estimation; no under-estimation. I don't have to be what I was or even what I am now. I can choose what I am to be. And teaming up with God opens things up to even more possibilities. This is the way I want things to be. This is how I choose for things to be. It is not too late for me. There is still time. It's all about making the choice. Removing the pressure. Removing the expectations. Enough with the over-analyzing and micromanaging. When I have questions and need some direction and guidance, I know where to go. I am feeling positive and hopeful and I'm grateful for that.

Work in Progress

I do miss blogging, it’s been awhile. After a rough year last year, I feel things are improving positively. Although I still have those days where I’m feeling down...but doesn’t everybody? I guess the difference is how you handle those days and how truly low those “down” days are. I think part of it is boredom, to tell you the truth. I mean, there’s always stuff to do around here…taking care of the house, Becca, errands, etc. But, nothing really exciting to look forward to. My days are pretty monotonous. I am just taking baby steps right now. Trying to focus on having a good attitude and being thankful and content about myself and my life as it is now, instead of zeroing in on all the things I dislike about myself and the things I want to change. I need to accept myself as I am, and I am working on that. I want to be the best I can be for the people who mean the most to me. And maybe a little for myself.

I am still studying to be a medical transcriptionist. It’s beginning to be more stressful as my course is quickly coming to the end. I am eager to see what this new education will bring to my life. I hope for good things. It would be nice to stay away from sales. I really don’t want to do that anymore.

Though I am training for this transcription capability, I am quietly pursuing writing on the side. It is a passion within me that is growing more and more and calling out within me to be used and explored. I love to write, but didn’t quite realize how much until recently.

So, a new year is here. One I am quite excited about in fact. There are some great events to look forward to this year. Like what, you ask? Like a new move for us…possibly our first house. Like my daughter’s 3^rd birthday and my niece’s 1^st birthday. Like my little brother turning 18 and graduating high school. And top it off with me and Eric’s 10 year wedding anniversary, just to name a few. Thinking of these special things make me smile and give me motivation to be a better me. To enjoy this year and all its milestones. To choose to be positive and see the potential of big changes. Let’s hope my darkest days are finally behind me. To learn from the memory and use those experiences to help others and to remind myself of the person I don’t want to be. Cheers to you, faithful readers of my blog. I appreciate all your kind words and support to a stranger. You are encouraging to me. My poison was loneliness and both God and friendships were the cure. Bottom line is it comes down to the choices you make and the attitude you have. Both things I can control. With Jesus as my guide, I must keep Him close; and with support of family and friends, I’m gonna be just fine.