Failed Blog Resolution

Well, it looks like I've failed my New Year's resolution to write a blog post every day this year. I've definitely been shying away from blogging as you can see from the gaps in time between blogs. I am continuously asked if I'm writing and if I'm writing on my blog again and the answer is always no. Not sure why I avoid it when writing is such a release for me. It's a comfort, form of expression, and good practice on my quest to becoming a writer. Maybe it's laziness. Or the dreaded fear of no one caring about what I have to say. I think that is something everyone can relate to. What in the world do I have to say that anyone is going to care about? Why would someone care about what kind of day I had or what I'm thinking about? I guess the key is to remember why I write....for me. It's therapeutic and thoughts take on new meaning when they are put into words in front of you to see. I'm actually a very internal person. I process internally and say very little. I'm a very poor talker, which is why I turned to writing. When I audibly speak, my words come out jumbled and twisted and far from how they begin in my thoughts. But when I write, it flows like running water...smooth and clear. I hope so anyway :) What am I so afraid of when I blog? Well, I keep a few journals at home that I write in too. Not as regularly as I should or would like to, but more often than I blog. The thing is, fear of judgment is very real to me. And I'm not so fearful of judgment from strangers as I am from people I know such as family and friends. I think there is an image that we put up for all to see, and we build on what we want people to see. We try to control how much of ourselves we reveal. After all, what would people think of us if they know the whole truth? What's really going on beneath the surface. Those dark emotions and dark thoughts that we all have, how do we release them? There must be an avenue of escape before they explode out of us after being bottled up. And blogs are great, in that we can express ourselves behind the safety of a screen. But, what about the things inside us that might be socially unacceptable? The things that are uncomfortable to talk about? What about those things? The things that make us real....flawed....human. What about those? The danger and curiosities. The things we secretly wish but would never tell. People's feelings might be hurt. They would look at us differently. Think less of us. How unimaginable to tarnish that precious image we fight so hard to display. But, what about the saying that the truth shall set us free? Is that a blanketed statement meaning ANY and ALL truths? Where is the socially accepted line that shouldn't be crossed? And free from what exactly? From the internal chains that bind us and enclose us and free us from feeling trapped? The American Dream is that anything is possible, right? But, not really ANYTHING, right? That's where we're stuck. Sure anything is possible, but not for me. I don't have the money or the time or the ability or the intelligence. What limits do we put on ourselves? I put many limits on myself. It goes back to the fear of failure, doesn't it? It always goes back to that. Failing people we care about and failing ourselves. Why bother even trying? Why putting forth  time, money and hard work when the chances of succeeding and my true desires coming true are so slim? Because of the possibility of something more. More fulfillment. More reward. More opportunity. To not be stuck somewhere because it's the easier thing and it's more convenient. So, the real reason I don't blog more is this...what I write about is about something more. I can't seem to write about everyday things. My writing is my release and it must reflect the things that I need to express. Many times those thoughts are very heavy and I've been told that sometimes they are too heavy. My fear is that most people don't want to hear about that stuff. They want to hear about how things are going to get better, that people can change and situations can change. We all want to hear that. So, why not write about those things? Because that's not me. I must challenge myself to get past my fear and realize that maybe by sharing myself more, people can find a way to relate by reading something that we all tend to feel but are too afraid to say out loud. At the core, we are all the same. We want to be accepted and loved. We want happiness and at the end of our time we want to look back and say "I had a good life". Not perfect, but good. I want that. In order for that to happen to me though, I think I have to push myself to go to uncomfortable places. To stretch and challenge myself. To better myself and really put forth effort towards the things I really want. Then, at the end of my life, at least I will have peace that I tried. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Words we live by. Well, my friends, I am going to try and face my fear and be less afraid of what people think and be true to myself. So, let me ask you....what fears are holding you back from what you truly desire? Thank you as always for listening :)

Shower Me Clean

I love taking showers. It's like an attainable escape. So simple. So ordinary. I turn the silver handle and hear the water pour out. It shoots out and pitter-patters to the bottom of the tub. It's waiting for me. I turn the handle all the way to the left allowing the water to heat up to its hottest temperature. I reach my fingertips in to feel if the water is the temp that I want it. It is. I step in and let the steam surround me. It encompasses me like a warm blanket wrapped around me. I wash and am clean and there is something so wonderful about that. I stand there and close my eyes as the seething water runs down. I close my eyes as it covers my face. I just want to stay in here. The water washes everything away and I am renewed again. I don't have to do anything right now, except just be. An isolated, quiet moment of freedom and peace cut off from the world. I can let my mind escape, even wander to another place. Nothing and nobody to worry about right now. Let go, Alaina, let go. Just for a few moments. Where will my mind run off to? An island perhaps? With the beating heat of the sun that makes you feel as if you're in an open sauna. No worries. In the next moment the water will wash it away.  I am clean. I am pure, just even for these few minutes. I choose to only hear the rush of the water and feel the warmth of the steam. Peace, sweet peace. The tensions release in the toasty steam around me. My body unwinds and I feel relaxation. But my time is up and I must get on with my day. Until next time.

Therapy

Okay, I'm going to reveal something about myself that a lot of people do not know about me. I am currently in therapy. I have been for over a year. It helps me deal with sensitive issues from my childhood, as well as difficulties in my daily life right now. I guess I just wanted to say that it has helped so much more than I expected. I was definitely one of those people who avoided it, for fear of what it meant and fear of being judged when people found out. I felt I was a failure if I went. The first day was a complete surprise. I know it's different for everyone, and some people find it uncomfortable to air their troubles to a stranger; I found it to be the exact opposite. This person doesn't know me, what have I got to lose? I actually enjoyed the opportunity to have an hour to just talk about me and have someone give me undivided attention. It was amazing to me. I just spilled all my issues out with no problem and it was a very freeing feeling. More than anything, it's been a learning experience for me....about myself. And it really is a journey that I've been on. The most surprising thing is how they get you to say those things you're afraid to say out loud and it transforms you. Things that are buried so far deep inside that is difficult to access somehow comes to the surface. But even though it sounds like a bad thing emotionally, it really is a step forward in healing and confronting things that need to be confronted. So, I guess I just wanted to say that I think therapy has gotten a bad rap in the past, but it's a really great thing. It's really helpful. I recommend it if you're struggling and need a little help. What's so wrong with needing help?

Les Miserables

WOW. So, I went to the movies with my Mom yesterday afternoon and we saw the Les Miserables movie. Neither of us had seen the old movie or the play. We both loved it. It was absolutely sensational! The acting was superb and so was the directing. The movie was beautifully made. The story was so powerful and moving. It was so intense, that I didn't want to blink for fear of missing something. The actors took acting to a new level with the emotion and rawness that was portrayed. The makeup and scenery and costumes, it all went together beautifully. What a wonderful story of redemption and sacrifice and love. I think it was one of the best movies ever made and definitely one of the best I've ever seen and a new favorite for me. Everyone needs to go see this movie. It's such a beautiful story with so much depth. I hope it sweeps all the awards this year :) For all of you out there who saw it, what did you think?

Enjoying Life Imperfectly

Every January 1st since I can remember, I make this plan that I'm going to somehow start living every day perfectly. Gonna get up early, read my Bible, shower, full face of makeup, hair perfect, clean the entire house, make a perfect breakfast and go through the day the way I "should". After three days, it's basically gone to hell. Not this time. I'm enjoying each day imperfectly.
It's much nicer going through the day without expectation of myself. Just to live the day moment to moment. It's absolutely freeing. Liberating. What a thrill to not plan your day before it even begins.
Enjoying the moments that add up the day, instead of how it may appear on the outside and to other people.

Learning to Play Piano

I decided to learn how to play the piano. I already have a keyboard that I bought many years ago. I played around with it a little bit, but nothing really stuck. Then life just got busy and back in the box it went, and has stayed there since. Well, my cousin Ashlynn got a guitar for Christmas this year and has been playing it non-stop since. I love listening to her play and sing. It has inspired me to get my keyboard out and learn to play. She taught me a few things and then today I went on to youtube and learned how to play two songs that I love...."It will rain" by Bruno Mars, and "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. It's been really fun getting involved in music and learning to play piano is something I've always wanted to do. Makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Challenging myself. Learning new things. I'm tired of standing still.

Working on the house

Well, since New Years Day I have been a busy bee. I've been working on the inside of the house a lot. Trying to get it to look past the "just moved in" stage. We moved in last May. Everything is nicely painted and there are some pictures up and stuff but there are no bookshelves or much beyond that point. We have a lot of space, so that's not the problem. It's a matter of utilizing and organizing the space we have. I'm feeling really good about what I've done so far. I am quite lazy and tend to put things off.
I bought a coat rack and shoe rack for behind the front door in the entrance-way. I also bought a ladder bookshelf for the living room to display some pictures and books. I organized the office/playroom and found a place for everything. It looks nice and tidy now. I hung up a corkboard in the kitchen to display all of Becca's artwork and crafts. I also put the shelves up in my china cabinet and displayed all of my great-grandmother's china that was given to me. It looks really nice. My big purchase, though, I made New Years Day and it just got delivered three hours ago. I bought a brand new Dining Room Set. I finally saved enough money up over the past few months and I got a great deal on it too. It was a New Years Sale plus I got a military discount as well as friends and family discount. I just love it! We've been using a large folding table for a while and the table we had before that was a $50 Ikea table that was super tiny. So, finally we have a nice set to be proud of and can seat 8 people comfortably. Dark brown wood with dark brown upholstered chairs. It was bought with money that was left to me from my stepfather when he passed, so I think of it as his gift to me. Something I will always have. I'm real proud of myself for making my home more of a home.