New Year, Same Me

New Year, Same Me

I've definitely been that person with the list of all the resolutions I'm going to make, and ways I'm going to change as of the first of the new year. As if that is such an easy thing, like the flipping of a light switch. I've done it every year for as long as I can remember. The list usually consists of of about fifteen things and by the end of the year I average about two things that I can check off. Quite unsatisfying. I have astronomically high expectations of myself as well as how I want my life to be, which is always a dangerous thing. And every year January 1st rolls around and I truly would expect that I would radically change. That motivation, determination, and desire would be strong enough to reroute all my bad habits. That I would appear to have it all together instantly in a pretty package. That the bad habits of laziness, procrastination and disorganization would vanish, and my mind would have the power to instantly and immediately start over fresh as of this day. And every year this lasts for about seven days if I'm lucky. I put in a google image search for "new year same me", the title I wanted to give this post. The image at the top of this post was one of the results. I am. That by itself is so powerful, but what do I put after that? What am I now? What do I want to be? Polar opposite answers. Do you ever have desires for a big, huge change? Like life-altering? You get stuck in a rut with the monotonous routine and just need to shake things up a bit. But at the same time, the idea of a major life-altering change is frightening. The anticipation and fear of the unknown are powerful forces that can both yield vulnerability. Vulnerability means weakness to many. Something that's been on my mind for months now is what "living" means to me. The past few years I haven't been doing this, I've grown accustomed to "surviving". How long until the adapting phase is over? How long til the idea that the stable foundation that I stand on metaphorically is gonna shake and crumble underneath me? How long til I can look in the mirror and accept who I see in the reflection? And how long can I avoid it? Will the feeling of brokenness ever go away? And will the fear that it won't ever subside? I am. Maybe that will be something to work on this year. Adding to it. I've been trying for many years to be somebody else. Nobody in particular, just someone other than myself. Why? Because myself has too much damage and brokenness that is far beyond repair. The only big enough answer to mend this would be God. Yet I still seclude myself and can't quite let go enough to let Him in. New Year means time is moving forward as it always does. There are no guarantees of the future. Quotes and sayings surround us...no time like the present...time flies...make every moment count. I live in the sunny state of Arizona, where the warmth blankets your skin. Yet I feel a dark gray cloud lives above my head and follows me around. Hope for a turnaround is still there thankfully, but as time moves on that hope dims a little more. However, since it's still there I'm gonna draw from it and hope that this year will be a brighter one. Much of that rests on me and my attitude and the choices that I will make. Realign where my focus is and change my attitude towards things. Change begins with me and starting with the things I am in control of. Or is it the other way around and learning to let go of control when things shift? Well, this whole "I am" thing definitely has me thinking. Cheers to your new year, my friends.

Being Thankful

So, I'm realizing that I've slowly become a very negative person about my life. I think I complain a lot about things that I'm not happy about. Those small and minor things that aren't going the way I want have become life-size, and have crowded out all the many blessings and good things in my life, making them much harder to see and take notice of. The truth is, from an outside view there really isn't anything to complain about. I think my attitude and perspective needs to be adjusted. I don't consider myself a very happy person and I don't want to be that way. I saw on Facebook and on the internet some posts labeled "Thankful Thursdays". I know it's Friday, but I think I'm gonna jump on board this train. I will just post mine a day late.
Since I have become a glass-half-empty person, I very much need to be forced or pushed into doing something or the two evils in my life, laziness and procrastination, will lead the way.
I want to take the time to remind myself to be thankful, because I have a lot in my life to be thankful for. The picture at the top of this post reminds me that being thankful can and should begin with the basics: I'm alive. And the people that mean the most to me are alive too, and in my life daily. So many people lose their lives and their loved ones through tragedy and hardships...the soldiers who lose their lives fighting for our freedoms and the loved ones that they leave behind to mourn; car accidents, cancers and illnesses, drownings, kidnappings, shootings, suicide, heart attacks, and so much more. Being grateful for life, that's where it begins. It is a gift. Every day.
My beautiful house is something I am thankful for. After living in apartments or staying with family for months at a time, I am thankful that I was able to choose a house that I love that I can call my own. Not abiding by anyone else's rules and free to do whatever I want with it. I am not homeless, out on the streets in the cold or in the heat.
I have a husband who works at a job he loves with great benefits and great stability. Many people in this country are job hunting every day with no luck. This job provides us money for clothes on our backs, comfortable living, vehicles to get us to and from, food in our mouths, education for our daughter, and a place of safety. I am thankful for the wonderful and supportive people in my life, both family and friends, who make living life better because they are a part of it. My husband is my best friend and partner in life, who supports me, believes in me, and takes care of our family. Our daughter that we are blessed with who is beautiful and smart and funny. So many out there are unable to have children or had them and then they were taken from them.
I am thankful that I know God loves me and that He gives love and forgiveness and chance after chance and I don't have to do anything to earn it. It is by grace. I am thankful for free will and that I live in a country where I can believe what I want and live how I want and not be killed for it through some dictatorship. Though my life is not perfect, it is a really good one. I have everything I need. When I remind myself of these things, and think about how others out there don't get the basics, all other things seem trivial and petty. So, I'm going to try and choose gratitude. Sometimes it's hard to see the good when life stings you. Things don't always go as planned, life is messy like that. It's a block in the road. Okay, take a deep breath, and walk around it or remove the blockage.
I've been thinking about starting a gratitude journal and writing in it every night. Or maybe when I notice a small blessing or good thing that happened, to write it down. So, when I'm having a bad day, I just open it up and read a few things. I encourage you all to remind yourselves of the basics when things just aren't going your way. When we look at the big picture, we can find something to be thankful for. We are alive. Let's start there. We are not fighting for our lives to keep breathing. Maybe metaphorically, but not physically. Time to realign our focus back to the big picture. Happy Friday everyone. Enjoy your weekend!

Birthday Wishes

Yesterday was my 28th birthday. Do I feel older? Yes. But not in a bad way. I am truly happy about where I am in my life right now. Last year was actually a terrible year for me, personally. I was very lonely and sad and unhappy with myself. Avoiding mirrors and hating what I saw in the reflection. The past six months I have been doing some soul-searching. Looking deep within and asking myself the hard questions. The big questions. I have been living my life day by day just to get by. Not really enjoying the life I have. I truly believe there is a lot more within me to explore. I want to be the best person I can be and not settle for mediocre. I want to challenge myself, learn new things and explore new opportunities. I am a quiet person and afraid of change, yet I complain that there is no excitement in my life. I want to be happy and confident in who I am and feel whole as a person. I am not there yet, but I am getting closer. My life is a good one, but what am I doing with it? My life could be taken away from me at any moment, so how come I'm not living to the fullest? I hope this next year brings new changes to me. I don't wish for things, I wish for personal growth. I am learning just how wonderful being a wife and mother truly is. Looking beyond the housework, and the sleep deprivation, and the responsibilities, to what really matters. Having a spouse who sees all the good in me, who loves me with all my flaws and out of all the women he has or hasn't met, has chosen me to spend the rest of his life with. Having a daughter who lights up my world and can melt my heart with a single smile, who depends on me to teach her how to live her life. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends who have very good lives. I want to embrace what is good in my life instead of focusing so much on what is not. Because there is so much more good than bad. Our attitude and our choices are what makes up our lives. I am focusing on my strengths and good qualities and trying to find opportunities to put them to good use. And my weaknesses I can choose to try to improve on but realize that I am not perfect, no one is. Another thing I am learning is to stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks of me. Sometimes I feel I live my life according to how everyone I know lives or how they expect me to live instead of making my own choices and finding out what I want out of my life. And most of all, the important thing that exceeds everything I've been learning on my path to self-discovery, is that I need God to direct my life because I suck at it. The older I get, the more I try to control everything, but I find that it only leads to dead-ends. Nothing but God can bring the satisfaction and fulfillment and inner peace and joy that is lacking in my life. He knows exactly all the things I am searching for, and He can lead me to the answers, He is just waiting for me to let go and ask Him for direction. Thank goodness He never gives up on me and is always there. Continues to love me even when I turn my back on Him out of selfishness and laziness. I look ahead to the next year with open-mindedness. Thankful for the struggles I've been through that has led me to who I am today. To become a complete puzzle, you need every single one of those pieces, both smooth and rough. I choose to believe my best days are still ahead of me and I have much to look forward to :)