I finished reading “The Depression Cure” by Stephen S. Ilardi PhD a few weeks ago, and I decided to give the program a try. It’s a 6-step program to beat depression without the use of any kind of medicine. I think my depression has gotten better. I’ve definitely come out of that dark place I was in last year. That place of hopelessness where you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and you convince yourself that every day is going to always be the same and never get any better. This state of negativity is toxic and the isolation is my poison. Every person I care about many miles away, it just made me sadder and sadder. Though I am a Christian, I shut out God, wanted nothing to do with anybody. Just wanted to be alone, yet I despised being alone. The worst war is the one within yourself, when your mind battles against your heart. I guess I never really understood what being depressed was until I experienced it. I thought it was just being sad, but it’s so much more than that. It’s actually a mental imbalance that manifests itself. So, when people you love get frustrated with you and wish you would “snap out of it”, it only makes it harder because you can’t. It’s just not that easy. Your mind takes over and you lose control. So, anyway, this book really helped. It’s nice to know you’re not alone and not the only one who feels this way. Apparently it happens to a lot of people but no one wants to talk about it. Fear of being judged maybe, or a sign of weakness. But when I experienced the depth of depression, I reached a point where I no longer cared what people thought of me being depressed. I was mad at myself though, that friends of mine have more hardships than me to handle, yet somehow I couldn’t handle my own simple life. I don’t work, I only have one child with no special needs, so why does everything seem so hard? I guess my coping skills have gone down the tubes, because it seems I can’t think as clearly as I should be able to. The control freak that I am doesn’t like to ask for help. I like to do everything myself my own way. Then I get frustrated that I can’t do it all. If I could clone myself I think I might be able to. So, reading this book and getting more information about depression is my way of the first step in looking for help. It was actually really helpful. It relies on behavioral methods and natural remedies and not medicinal ones. It is a 7 week program, applying one new focus to each week and carrying them through the whole 7 weeks. The 7 focuses are: Nutrition, Rumination, Exercise, Light, Social Support, Sleep, and the last week is Evaluation. I’ve decided to follow it, adding my own twist to it and incorporate my own things I want to work on. I incorporated reading my Bible every day as well, and making myself put makeup on every day too. I don’t do it at home, but when I do, it makes me feel better about myself and puts a small boost in my confidence that I don’t look like a troll today. So, today is Day 1 of Nutrition week. I am keeping track of my food intake and forcing myself to drink more. I normally eat twice a day and drink about 10 oz of fluid the whole day. So, I am going to eat at least three meals a day and at least a full glass of liquid at each meal to start with. Also, the program says to take Omega-3 Vitamin, one-a-day vitamin, and Vitamin C every day which I got and took as well as my iron pills that I have to take because I’m anemic. I got up at 7:30am…took Max for a walk, showered, put on makeup and read my Bible. Just enough time before Becca woke up. Hopefully I can stick to this routine. I love schedules. I need schedules. I’m also trying to eat healthier, so for breakfast I made a breakfast sandwich (English muffin, egg, cheese) with a banana and 8 oz. orange juice. I am feeling good. I am feeling positive and optimistic that it’s a good start and every little bit of a good thing is a step forward. I am working my way up from not being able to look at myself in the mirror because I hated what I saw. Just hating everything about myself and nothing I did was ever good enough. I am trying to have a better attitude and look at things more positively, and learning to accept myself. That despite my shortcomings, inside I know I’m a good person and I have potential to do good things. To be a better wife, a better mother, a better person, a better me. The me I am meant to be.