Sunday, November 7, 2010

Power Struggle

I feel empty and that my soul is dark. The light has gone out and it is just me. The loneliness is like a virus that has overtaken me. I am losing the battle warring within myself. Who is the enemy that I seem to be powerless against? Is it selfishness? Is it the devil? Is it sin? Why do I feel defeated? What is wrong with me? There is very little I am sure of anymore, but one thing is true…I am not living my life…I am surviving…I am existing…going through the day to day motions. Am I depressed or is my loneliness at an extremely unhealthy level? I live like a hermit. No interaction with anyone besides my 2 year old. No adult conversation. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. No challenges. No growth. No obstacles to overcome. No excitement. What a depressing life of a human being. I absolutely do not enjoy my life. Which is a shame because I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. I am sad, but also numb. If I talk about how I feel out loud, my emotions flood out of the crevices within my soul where they hide comfortably. I suppress my feelings and they build and build and one day a small pebble trips me up and causes the emotional volcano to erupt within me. I don’t think anybody really cares about what I’m going through. Most people don’t know what I’m going through so I have no expectations, it is just my wounded spirit that’s sensitive and feeling crushed and overwhelmed. I don’t want people to look down on me or feel sorry for me. I don’t think anybody can help me. My mom thinks I am a victim of circumstance. Living a military life forces us to move very far from family and friends. Doesn’t bother my husband, he makes new friends through work wherever he goes. The adjustment hasn’t been easy for me. But, it doesn’t matter. I’m not the only Navy wife who has to move away from loved ones and start over, so how come I have such a hard time adapting to new things? Why do I pull away and hide instead of being brave and facing new situations like an adult instead of a scared kid? I have a daughter who I need to teach how to live in this world and I am not willing to face the world myself. I miss feeling joy and feeling good about myself. Being the control-freak that I am, I want to fix this all myself, without any help. But I don’t know how. The funny thing is, I haven’t lost hope. I am optimistic that things will get better and that it’s possible my best days are yet to come. I just need to hold on to that hope. Hold it close to me as my source of light when I am walking around in a state of dark fog. Where is my faith in God through all this? I know He is still there and always will be. He is distant and has remained that way for years because of me. I continue to be in a power struggle in wanting full control of my life. Convincing myself that I don’t need Him to have an active role in my life. He is my Heavenly Father and I know He’ll always be there when I need Him, but I want to do everything myself. Maybe I just want to be taken care of but I don’t want to ask to be. I’m so confused and I feel lost. I’ve gotten down on my knees before Him because I know it’s what I need to do, but then I can’t find anything to say or I say what I need to say but don’t really feel it. Nothing makes any sense.


  1. Laina,
    I've been where you're at too! My ex was enlisted in the Army..back in the latter part of the 60's, so I pretty much do understand some of the loneliness you say you're going through.. I had our daughter who was 3 years old at that time.. She and I really did do alot of walking together back then, and especially when we were over in Germany for those 15 months! It's hard being stationed so far away from friends and family.. I know, believe me!

    Have you mentioned anything to your husband about how you're feeling? Sometimes they know something is wrong, but don't know exactly what they can do to help..

    Have you thought about going to your dr. and telling him how you're feeling? I recall a time when I was so depressed that I couldn't snap out of it by myself.. no matter how hard I tried and that's when I went to my dr for help.. I am so grateful both then and now that I did!

    Take care, and please do know that there have been many others who at one time or another has felt just like you say you are now.

    I will have you in my prayers Laina.. (((HUGS)))


  2. Laina,

    I hate to sound so cliche, but I'm there too. I have been thinking of you and praying. While I'm not a military wife, I am in the same boat. A thousand miles away from my family, my comfort zone, things that make me feel safe and protected. I am actually calling my Dr today, because I hate not being the best mommy for my little man.

  3. Laina

    I have known for some time, since I met you in the blogosphere, that you had certainly been through this. I thought you were on the road to recovery so am sad to see this is not the case.

    Only you can know if you need medical help at this stage. In the meantime, you seem to know what the issues are, so try and help yourself. Get on line, find local Mom groups, story times for toddlers, anything and everything to get you out of the house and meeting other people. Yes, it is hard, I had to do it myself. But not doing it will just make you more isolated and everything worse.

    So many Moms go through what you are experiencing, I would go so far as to say most, at one time or another. You are not alone.

  4. It's so horrible but I often feel this way. There was a time when my husband and I were the fun couple. Now we are like hermits and it depresses me and affects my mood. People,other wives used to reach out to me at our last duty station but I was so down and out I didn't see it was the ticket out of my rut. And then they stopped trying and then I really felt Aline and isolated. But then who could I blame but myself? I still guard myself but the key is to reach out. You'll find many in your shoes, not just fellow mil spouses but mommies as well. Try church groups or mommy and me classes or even branch out to other spouses. It will be hard at first but you gotta let your guard down :) cheer up because you're right it won't always be like this but you've got to make the first step and reach out.

  5. Hey military mama. New follower. Follow me back when you get a sec.

  6. Hello fellow Navy wife!!

    Better than most people, I truly understand what the heck you're going through. In addition to being a Navy wife, I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In other words, in addition to the "normal" blues (if there is such a thing) that I experience when my husband is gone for more than, like, a week, I also go through violent swings of emotion, thoughts, and behavior that I frankly have no control over. Before I got help and started treatment (a combination of medication and mood therapy), my life was basically a train wreck, and my husband had to deal with everything I was going through IN ADDITION TO his normal job, which is stressful enough I think.

    It sounds to me (although, let's be honest, I'm no doctor here) that what you're going through is more than just a minor case of the blues. When you start doing things such as isolating yourself, you're exhibiting classic signs of Major Depression. Don't worry, it's not your fault, you're not weak or more sinful than usual or anything like that. And no, you can't just "snap out of it" or just "cheer up" or any of that. If it were that easy, there would be no need for medication for ANYONE.

    You might not need meds; I'm not saying you do. But only your doctor can know for sure. All I can say is, you DON'T want this to get worse. And if you do nothing about it, it WILL get worse. There's a reason they call it the "spiral of depression". (You feel terrible, so you lay in bed all day, causing you to feel worse, which makes you lay in bed even longer, which makes you feel WORSE, and on and on.)

    Feel free to shop around for the right doctor, someone you feel comfortable with. And it helps (although is by no means necessary) to bring someone whom you trust with you. They can ask questions and can sometimes give the doctor a more accurate portrayal of your recent behavior. Whatever you do, DON'T downplay your feelings/behaviors/thoughts. If it is depression you're dealing with, then you are by no means weak for seeking help. All depression is is a chemical imbalance in your brain; nobody asks for it, nobody wants it. I have yet to meet a person who can honestly say, "And I just shrugged my depression off with the power of sheer strength of will!" (Those that do make that claim are typically referring to "the blues", not actual clinical depression.)

    Anyhoodle, I'll leave you with the knowledge that I shall pray for you. Good luck and God bless. And don't give up! =)

  7. Bless your heart, Laina! I, too, know how you feel. It must be an epidemic. :o) But truly, we just keep hanging in there and praying and hoping it gets better. I know there are better answers, and I know others have offered more encouragement than I can right now. But maybe it helps to know you're NOT alone in this. Jesus loves you, as you know in your head. And you have friends - even if only online.

    (new follower from MBC -