Friday, November 5, 2010

The Ugly Truth

I’m 28 years old and when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t see a person who has come a long way, I see someone who has fallen off the path. Someone lost and alone, isolated and insecure. I feel the me people see on the outside in no way reflects the me I know is on the inside. They wouldn’t like her, wouldn’t want to be around her, have nothing to learn from her or gain anything from knowing her. How insecure and tarnished is that? What a pity party I’ve made for myself. Could I be any more immature? Have I always been this way? Am I being too hard on myself? I so badly wish I had someone to talk to to drown out the voices in my head that ring “you’re a pathetic loser.” I have become negative and pessimistic. I can’t even stand to be around me, I don’t know why anyone else would want to. I question everything about myself…my intelligence, my abilities, my personality, my talents (or lack thereof), my roles in life (as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend), etc. I feel I am inadequate and not good enough. Do I have the power within myself to change my life for the better? Am I strong enough to make the choices to change? And change what exactly? On the outside, my life is wonderful, so why am I so unhappy? Why not choose to be happy? Sadness has become a complacency. It’s much harder and takes more work to be happy and force yourself to be positive and see the good. I’m not sure I have the energy. I’ve gotten used to the sadness, even though it is destructive and a toxin to my soul. It is much more powerful than I thought it could be. The sadness is familiar and if I did something different, what would happen? What is this obsessive need for me to control everything? Maybe I feel a loss of control in life. That is something the Navy takes away from your life I suppose. Why can’t I be more like my husband? Just adapt to new situations and go with the flow. He is successful in just about everything he does in life. I wish I was more like him in that way. What in the world does he see in me? I’m sure he doesn’t want to introduce this insecure, helpless, fragile person as his wife. I don’t want to embarrass him. I want to be strong; someone he wouldn’t look down on, but be proud of and see as his equal. He is light-years ahead of me and I am just another person in the house to take care of. I don’t want to be an unhappy person. That’s not a way to live life. I want to enjoy my life. What’s it gonna take? How do I feel okay pouring out such vulnerable feelings to all of you, many of whom know me personally? Do I fear judgment? A little. I do care what other people think and I want to be liked. But now….I’m not sure I know anyone whose judgment would be more painful than my own judgment of myself. You know that saying “you’re your own worst enemy”? I definitely am living that statement.    


  1. Oh honey, I think at some point we may have all felt this. Our lifestyle is quite hard at times and can be quite emotionally draining. But you are a wonderful person, mother, and wife. Just remember that. You are a child of God and a beautiful one at that! Try to take some time to yourself to find the simple things that bring joy. You have a wonderful family who loves you dearly. Don't be so hard on yourself and TRY not to worry about what others think of you. If people think negatively about you, it's not worth worry about. And those who love you will never think negatively about you :)

  2. Truth, what is it?

    The definition of 'truth' is 'opposite of error'. Truth means it is conformable to fact. It is correct.

    Truth in action, is when the human conscience agrees with the intellect. Truth is 'ONE'. There can be only one truth, (John 17:17-23).

    17 Consecrate them in the truth. Your word is truth.
    18 As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world.
    19 And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth.
    20 "I pray not only for them, but also for those who will believe in me through their word,
    21 so that they may all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they also may be in us, that the world may believe that you sent me.
    22 And I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are one,
    23 I in them and you in me, that they may be brought to perfection as one, that the world may know that you sent me, and that you loved them even as you loved me.

    Any variation in the one truth is not truth at all, but error.

    So how do you test for the truth? I have already given you the answer in the first paragraph. You have to look for error, and you have to see if the truth is conformable to fact. Here are some guidelines. Consult your conscience as you follow these pointers...

    1. Have you felt uncomfortable (conscience speaking) with some Bible verses that do not seem to conform to the teaching of your Church? All of Scripture is harmonious and it all should fit together like a giant picture puzzle.

    2. When you do question some teaching, do you get definitive answers every time?

    3. Do you get meaningless or nebulous answers that don't make sense?

    4. Are you absolutely sure that you are in the Church that Jesus Christ founded? He only founded 'A' Church in Mathew 16:18. That verse does not say 'Churches'. I am reminded of 1 Cornthians 10:12, "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall."

    5. There are over 33,800 different Christian sects in the world today. How can you be sure you have chosen the right one?

    6. Remember, 'TRUTH IS ONE', so how can there possibly be 33,800 different Christian Churches, all teaching that ONE TRUTH?

    7. If all those Churches taught the same truth, then there would not be 33,800, but only one. What does an examination of conscience say now?

    8. That means there have to be 33,799 Churches teaching error. If that is the case, then there are 33,799 Churches on the 'wide path' and only one on the 'narrow'. I don't like those gambling odds of 1 in 33,800. Does that bother your conscience?

    9. Most all Churches claim to be the Church of truth. Who do you believe? Which one is right? Which Church does the Bible say is the Church of truth?

    10. The Church of truth is spelled out in the Bible. It is the only Church that was given the authority, the one in whom the Holy Spirit dwells forever, John 14:15-17.

    11. "But he who does the truth comes to the light that his deeds may be made manifest, for they have been performed in GOD", John 3:21. This verse says it all.

    12. If you haven't found truth then you haven't found GOD.

  3. I am sitting here smiling from ear to ear. And before you defollow me and block me from every media outlet... I am smiling because for the first time in what feels like an eternity someone else is saying what I have been feeling. YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!!! I know that this is a little on the scary stalker side of things, but honestly, I have felt everything you are feeling and still do.... it doesn't make it easy, it just makes it life... know your not alone, crazy, or anything else you say.