Monday, January 2, 2012

A New Year....what shall I do with it?

Happy New Year!

I'm excited for a new year, a fresh start and new beginning. I want this year to be a turning point for me. It's time to start taking action and stop wasting time. To start doing all the things that consume my thoughts. These great ideas and dreams I have I just keep to myself and they stay unfulfilled. It's time I take a chance. Sometimes the biggest rewards stem from the biggest risks. I've played it safe for too long and it has left me very unfulfilled. I know I have more in me to contribute to this world and it's time I let it out. These last few years have been the worst of my life internally and emotionally for me. It is odd, since I've been given so many blessings during this time. I'm going to stop waiting for my life to be what I want and wait for it to all fall perfectly into my life, it's just an immature thought and not how it works. Time to grow up and take charge and make these things happen. I will slowly take you on my dark journey I've been on as I hit my rock bottom. I am slowly climbing my way up and my focus is one foot in front of the other. Normalcy seems unattainable and unreachable as I've fallen so far, but I learned a lot from that fall and I can use that to help someone else with those same feelings. This year is going to be a great one. Last year I finished school and I have a diploma for medical transcription. It made me feel good that I accomplished something totally on my own that was only for me. I have put myself on the backburner for so long that it has become unhealthy and has formed resentment and anger. I need to make myself more of a priority and stop being a martyr, I must do this to make peace with myself and be able to look at myself in the mirror instead of seeing hate in the reflection. I'm going to be the me I know I'm meant to be, the one I was created to be, the me I know I can be. It's time to stop giving up just because perfection is unattainable, that simply means we can  always strive to be more, not that we're not good enough. There's something good in all of us, something we can contribute to our world. I consider myself very, very weak...but I want to strengthen myself and not continue to stay weak. It's all a choice. Choosing to live this way and think this way and be this way. Well, 2012....a new me is surfacing. I'm getting rid of all the skeletons in my life that I am just now discovering that are holding me back and keeping me so limited. I will overcome them with determination for a better life, for me and my family. They deserve better and so do I.
The theme of this year is going to be CHANGE. I know, I know....isn't that the theme of every year, right? Yes, but I am changing who I am from the inside out. I know, I'm sooo melodramatic...LOL. But, it's how I feel. There are big changes in store for me this year. We are looking to buy our first house in a different state. Eric is back on a ship now which means deployments, long hours, underways, and less time together as a family. Time to draw strength from within and equip myself...if I can't handle my life in the good times where everything's going my way, what does that mean for me when things really get rocky and all that is familiar to me takes an abrupt turn. I don't adapt well to big changes in life but it's time I start. I have a three year old that depends on me to feel secure in her life and a husband who gives so much of himself that he needs to know I can take care of things and give him less to worry about on the homefront. The change starts with me. You all know that famous quote that I love so much and I'm sure most of you do as well....."be the change you wish to see in the world." It's one of my favorites. I'm feeling that this is the year for this quote to become reality and I would challenge you to apply it to your life as well. No matter what we do, we can always do more, go the extra mile, start small but be consistent. This is what I am striving for. 

So...on another note...inspiring this change, I woke up New Years Day with a song in  my head, the words flowing through and I couldn't get them out of my head. Maybe God's challenge to new years anthem...

It's a new year, it's gonna be great,
It's gonna deliver whatever my fate
Filled with laughter and memories of things that I love
Hoping and praying for what I dream of....

Peace for the restless, and homes for the homeless,
Food for the hungry, and cures for the sick.
Strength for the weak, help for people in need,

The change in this world that we seek...
Let it begin with you and with me.

It's time to start the change, 
It's time to rearrange,
What's most important in our lives...
Is it houses and cars and clothes that we wear
To make us look good, but who really cares?

The change in this world that we seek...
Let it begin with you and with me.

I've decided that this year I want to change me,
From the inside out and fulfill my destiny.
I know I am better than this complacency.
What can I do? So many possibilities...

A smile to the people I pass on the street,
Lending my time or a hand to where I see a need.
Thinking of others out there, not just family and friends,
But strangers who might have no means to an end.

I have so much more than I need...
Because God has been so good to me.

It's time to give back with compassion and kindness,
Selflessness, friendliness we can find inside us.
Whether we think they deserve it or not,
It's not up to us to judge someone else's plot.

Give with no reason except cuz it's right,
Could one simple choice of mine change someone's life?
It just might......

What can I do to better my life?
Be the best I can be and look forward, not behind.
Pursue my dreams, despite fear of failing,
Not being good enough can be very scary.

Our world needs a change...
And it all starts with you and with me.

Change starts with a choice...
To do something or not to.


  1. heart is so full with emotion as I read this. So many words are in my head. But I am proud of you for your willingness to expose yourself in order to heal and use it to help others who may be struggling with the same issues. I am convinced you don't know how much you bless the world..even in your dark hours....I pray you begin to once again embrace life and all the good and happiness that comes with with the bad but then press on and not carry it with you....let your heart, mind and soul heal and seam together....know how much you are loved, cherished and adored by so many people....know that you touch people just by your presence.....know that you have already made a difference in this world and continue to do this through all your circumstances....know that you are beautifully created...inside and out.....know that the future for you is bright and wide open with possibilities....know that your heart is much bigger than you are aware of....know that in order to love others it begins with first loving yourself......and know that God loves you at every point of your and downs...and carries you when you can no longer take a step...He carried you in your crippling hours when you couldn't pick your head your legs are stronger and you can hold yourself walk slowly and He is assisting foot in front of the are never alone....but on this earth...NO ONE loves you more than me.....a mother's love for her child cannot be matched by any other persons love. I am rooting for you...cheering for you....and my arms are open for you....You will always be my earth angel.......I commend your honesty and applaud your talent for being able to put into words your thoughts and feelings with such elegance. I love you sweetheart. Mom

  2. PS...I am not sure about that poem.....if you wrote it, it was definitely inspired by God. It was magical.

  3. Alaina that was beautiful. You are not alone you have a lot of people cheering you on and that are here to help you. We love you and want to see you succeed in whatever it is you do. You are beautiful from the inside out xoxo.....and for goodness sake keep writing it inspired ME!

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  5. Yes mom, I wrote the poem myself. I woke up with the words in my head.

  6. You can do it!! Keep your head up and look at everyday as a new day. If one day doesnt go well start over tomorrow. That poem was amazing!