Acknowledging Progress

Tonight I sat down and officially and seriously began working on my book that I want to write. In the past few months I have jotted down some notes on possible title and chapter names, but today I got out all my journals and read through previous things I have written to begin breaking down sections and forming some kind of outline. I tell myself that I can do this, half-believing it of course, but it's a start. I have struggled with this idea and desire to write a book because I haven't been able to narrow down a theme to focus the book around. Well, reading through my journals and writings, it is clear to me that there are three themes. They definitely intertwine at times but can also be their own separate thing as well. All three themes are about my personal journey through these three different aspects of my life. My fear that no one will be interested in what I have to say is still there, but my desire to write is becoming more dominant all the time. I am pushing through the fear one baby step at a time.
Now, I want to talk about my journals. As I was reading through them, I was able to see and appreciate how far I have come since my darkest days that began about five years ago. There is most definitely a journey that slowly progresses and goes through stages. I can see a separation between then and now. Though it is not a night and day distinction, it is still there, and for that I am grateful. Re-reading the emotion-filled rantings of desperate pleas and angry outbursts as well as loneliness and hopelessness was eye-opening. It was really, really sad actually. This person was so lost and just miserable, but her perspective was so off. She couldn't help herself, she was sinking in a sea of quicksand. I can't believe that was me. I am grateful that I feel I have moved on from that part of my life. I am thankful that I now have a glimmer of hope. That there is still possibility for me. That if I change my perspective and open up my mind and my heart, things can get better. And they have. I thank God for that. I pray and I feel restored. I am trying to see myself in a way that I think God might see me. Through His eyes and not through my own flawed ones. I am a vessel; that's what I am. I am what I am. No over-estimation; no under-estimation. I don't have to be what I was or even what I am now. I can choose what I am to be. And teaming up with God opens things up to even more possibilities. This is the way I want things to be. This is how I choose for things to be. It is not too late for me. There is still time. It's all about making the choice. Removing the pressure. Removing the expectations. Enough with the over-analyzing and micromanaging. When I have questions and need some direction and guidance, I know where to go. I am feeling positive and hopeful and I'm grateful for that.

Letting Go

I am most definitely in need of letting go of my past. I am stuck. The scars of my past are magnified to the point where I struggle to see clean flesh that is reserved for the future. The future is fuzzy to me and I lack excitement for it. I am too focused on the past and its unanswered questions and confusion. I constantly go back to thoughts of my former self at my happiest times and dissect it in sadness why I can't get back to that place. The reality is I can't go back there because it's in the past. That teenage girl knew herself; she had peace in her heart and mind. She saw things in black and white. She knew who to trust and she knew what she wanted. She followed her heart bravely. She loved fully. She was open and honest and happy to experience the world. What happened to her? Painful, traumatic memories surfaced in her mind that led her to her death. You can't undo time. You can't un-know something or un-hear something. It's time to stop chasing her and say goodbye. It's hard to let go of her innocence. I must learn to make peace with this person that I am now. Learning to like this person and change the things I am able to change. This person with fear, and hurt, and worry. Whose black and white world turned different shades of grey. The uncertainty of everything is overwhelming. She learned that her superhuman loved ones have flaws and are imperfect and do, in fact, let her down. The only ones she can truly count on is God, because even she lets herself down. She is a mystery to herself. There are secret doors inside herself that she has been locked out of for her own protection. Though slowly the locks are unlocking, but the question remains...is she brave enough to open them? Because she sure as hell isn't curious. I feel she is made of glass and wonder why everyone around her insists on her strength. I do not see what they see at all. Perhaps they just don't know the whole story. See, you can never be sure of what you see because it could easily be an act. A show. Because what you allow others to see is the one thing you CAN control. I spend far too much time trying to understand and analyze everything about my past that has brought me to this day. So much of it doesn't make sense to me. I cannot move on until it does. But what if it never does. I suppose that's where faith and trust in God comes in. When our inability as flawed and imperfect people falls short and breeds un-fulfillment. The sadness that comes with that is the fact that that teenage girl that I miss and love is gone. There are no traces of her anywhere inside me. That is quite a lot of power to give a past. It's up to me to take that power away and give myself some control back. Because I CAN do something about the present. I never think about the future; it's pointless to me. The battle is to live in the here and now. Not to forget the past, but not to give it the power that it holds right now. 

A few weeks ago I stood in the mirror, looked into my eyes, which appeared empty and lifeless, and repeated out loud, "everything's going to be okay". This lasted about five minutes. I would open my mouth and that is all that came out. I was trying to comfort myself. I am trying to learn to be okay with this person that I see in the mirror. She still seems like a stranger to me. But maybe it's time to change the perspective. See the possibility and hope to make this person a great one. Let go of the weights around my neck and the chains that shackle my ankles. What are the lables of these weights? What do they represent? It's fuzzy to me, but pain and sadness come to mind. I'm so tired of feeling sad SO OFTEN. Not all the time but more than I feel is appropriate. It's time to let go. Take back the power instead of giving it away to everything that comes into my life.

 

My wish is to feel peace within myself. A quiet rest for my mind. What I miss most about that teenage girl is that she experienced freedom inside and peace. She did not have a painful past (that she knew of yet) and did not feel the weights and chains. So I call out to the heavens and ask God to break the shackles, give me relief and hope.

What Now?

What Now?

I've been listening to Rihanna's new song "What Now". Well, it's new to me anyway. I just love the angst and emotion in her voice. Not that I love that she feels that way but it makes for beautiful music, and believable and relate-able too. I, too, have felt this in recent months. See, I've been on a quest for feeling for quite some time now. Anything besides numbness. Not sure if it's due to medication I've been on, or if it's just a dense fog that has overtaken me. Either way, it's very unsettling. I try not to get lost in the big questions, such as "what's the meaning of it all?" and "what does it matter anyway?". Then the analytical side of me takes over and it's all downhill from there. It takes weeks to come out of. I get bored of being stationary, yet I don't like being too mobile either. So, what does that mean exactly? That I'm fickle? Can't make up my mind. My biggest weakness is laziness tied with lack of follow-through. I require high levels of motivation to do anything. Simply because it needs to be done is not a good enough reason for me. This discourages me and makes me want to live in a hole. I'm uncomfortable in large gatherings of people because I am uncomfortable with people in my personal space. Yet I get depressed when I am alone because isolation is toxic for me. I cannot make a decision for what I want to do with myself. I have been learning to accept myself and after a nasty battle with depression, I had to re-learn how to like myself. But the hard questions surface when I gather the courage to face the mirror. Do I trust myself? How well do I know myself? What am I hiding? What am I afraid of and am I brave enough to face it? When faced with the fight or flight response, I always flee, followed immediately by hiding and pretending to be invisible. If I avoid it and pretend it's not there, it will just go away. Pretty immature if you ask me. Yet I feel there is sadness that dwells inside me; a heaviness that I avoid strongly. I cannot stop digging for answers and truth. Yet when I find them, it's too scary to follow through to the end. That's where the healing begins, right? I fear that the weights will always be there. How do you live with a person you don't understand? And what if that person is you? Do you ever feel like you don't really know yourself? I struggle with the knowledge that once I faced the truth about my past, everything I ever once knew about myself was a lie. That person I once was has died. It's been replaced by this hollow shell of a person who has perfected the routine of going through the motions. What I long for is depth and meaning and purpose. Medication. Therapy. Books. Research. It helps, but only goes so far. I am realizing that I need to go more powerful. When I have exhausted all my power, and I still feel lost, I guess that's my answer. That this is bigger than me. Time to look up. The Ultimate Healer. Yet my pride wants to fix it on my own. It's a battle and I have to make this much harder than it needs to be. There is a quiet strength that surfaces when you reach desperation. You reach that point where you just want anything to be different. Just to feel something besides hopelessness, and sadness, and heaviness. Where you let go and release control wholeheartedly. Only then can the first step of healing and moving forward begin. Time to stop belittling myself and demanding expectations and punishing myself when I continue to fall short. Reality check, Miss Alaina. You are due.