Link to New Blog

Hi Everyone,
My new blog is up and running now. I've made my first post. I will continue to make new changes to make it my own, but please head over and continue following me over there.
Here is the link:
http://livingthisimperfectlife.blogspot.com/

Starting a New Blog

Hello everyone. I  know I've been MIA for quite a while but I am back to make an announcement. I'm leaving this blog and starting a new one. The new blog will be for the same purpose....sharing my thoughts and stories with you. I've loved writing on this blog but I started it when I was in a bad place and I want to move on and start a new chapter. I've changed a lot in the past couple years and I want to keep moving forward. I hope that you will all follow me on my new blog. I will post a link when it's ready.
Thanks.
Laina

Having nothing to say

You've probably noticed I haven't been blogging regularly in quite a long time. Everyone's noticed that know me because I hear about it and am asked about it. I find myself not having anything to say, yet inside I feel cluttered with words and thoughts and emotions, but they are jammed on the way out. I live in a lot of solitude and a lot of the time I enjoy it that way. Although when the opportunity presents itself, I end up talking someone's ear off and an explosion of words tumble out of my mouth. I notice that I will talk without even having anything important to say but wishing I had something of substance to talk about. But, for me, blogging is different than talking. I'm not sure this is a popular position based on many blogs I've read that post useless and nonsense material. Blogging is personal though and is a platform for a multitude of purposes. But my blog posts need to mean something....to me. It is a form of sharing, it's true. Sharing of information, opinion, and self. I wish I had more to say than I do. I wish my thoughts and emotions I could make sense of so I could express them. I wish I didn't think and analyze so much. I wish I could see the good in everything and make the most of each moment and be grateful for all the good in my life. Truth is I do have times that I experience this, but they are minimal. The pessimism and boredom takes over and the ruminating begins. Ruminating is a powerful and destructive thing. We are our own enemies. I feed the lesser me and give power to the doubt, fear, and weakness. Not wanting to make the effort or take the time to confront and stand up to it. The thing I wonder is, what kind of me would I be without those stumbling blocks? Will I find the strength and willpower in this lifetime to find out? When will I care enough to make a change? I hope soon.

New Year, Same Me

New Year, Same Me

I've definitely been that person with the list of all the resolutions I'm going to make, and ways I'm going to change as of the first of the new year. As if that is such an easy thing, like the flipping of a light switch. I've done it every year for as long as I can remember. The list usually consists of of about fifteen things and by the end of the year I average about two things that I can check off. Quite unsatisfying. I have astronomically high expectations of myself as well as how I want my life to be, which is always a dangerous thing. And every year January 1st rolls around and I truly would expect that I would radically change. That motivation, determination, and desire would be strong enough to reroute all my bad habits. That I would appear to have it all together instantly in a pretty package. That the bad habits of laziness, procrastination and disorganization would vanish, and my mind would have the power to instantly and immediately start over fresh as of this day. And every year this lasts for about seven days if I'm lucky. I put in a google image search for "new year same me", the title I wanted to give this post. The image at the top of this post was one of the results. I am. That by itself is so powerful, but what do I put after that? What am I now? What do I want to be? Polar opposite answers. Do you ever have desires for a big, huge change? Like life-altering? You get stuck in a rut with the monotonous routine and just need to shake things up a bit. But at the same time, the idea of a major life-altering change is frightening. The anticipation and fear of the unknown are powerful forces that can both yield vulnerability. Vulnerability means weakness to many. Something that's been on my mind for months now is what "living" means to me. The past few years I haven't been doing this, I've grown accustomed to "surviving". How long until the adapting phase is over? How long til the idea that the stable foundation that I stand on metaphorically is gonna shake and crumble underneath me? How long til I can look in the mirror and accept who I see in the reflection? And how long can I avoid it? Will the feeling of brokenness ever go away? And will the fear that it won't ever subside? I am. Maybe that will be something to work on this year. Adding to it. I've been trying for many years to be somebody else. Nobody in particular, just someone other than myself. Why? Because myself has too much damage and brokenness that is far beyond repair. The only big enough answer to mend this would be God. Yet I still seclude myself and can't quite let go enough to let Him in. New Year means time is moving forward as it always does. There are no guarantees of the future. Quotes and sayings surround us...no time like the present...time flies...make every moment count. I live in the sunny state of Arizona, where the warmth blankets your skin. Yet I feel a dark gray cloud lives above my head and follows me around. Hope for a turnaround is still there thankfully, but as time moves on that hope dims a little more. However, since it's still there I'm gonna draw from it and hope that this year will be a brighter one. Much of that rests on me and my attitude and the choices that I will make. Realign where my focus is and change my attitude towards things. Change begins with me and starting with the things I am in control of. Or is it the other way around and learning to let go of control when things shift? Well, this whole "I am" thing definitely has me thinking. Cheers to your new year, my friends.