Poem I wrote

When I feel I need some space, I take a walk outside,

I seek peace, I breathe at ease and look up to the sky.

I feel the air brush through my hair and tickle the top of my skin,

I close my eyes and think of God, hoping to connect with Him.

I begin to feel that He is there, 

Reminding me that He still cares.

The truth is that He never left, it's me that pushes Him away.

Why I fight Him, I don't know,

Living my way, I'll never grow.
Without Him present in my life, I'll never find my way.

Eyes still closed, I feel the sun's warm rays upon my face,

It's God's way of embracing me and restoring my faith.

He gives me the peace I struggle to find behind my home's four walls,

These walls are closing in on me and I struggle to breathe.

I need to find an escape from this place,

To feel free and to be me.

I feel constrained and confined,

Release me from this cage.

These chains of life have bound me,

And at moments I feel enraged.

I cry, "where are you God? Oh please help me."

He replies, "I'm right here, no need to fear, I've heard your plea."

I sit in His presence saying nothing at all,

He reads my soul and answers its call.

He comforts me, knowing exactly what I need.

I can finally rest, I can finally breathe.

In His presence, He digs deep through the layers, uncovering the hidden real me.

I feel my chest open up, my back feels lighter,

He lifted my burden my outlook is brighter.

Thank you, God for rescuing me and renewing and restoring me once again.

Learning to Manage Stress

It's been a tough couple of weeks. I haven't really written much or been checking up on my favorite blogs that I follow. Not that I don't care or don't have anything to say, I feel my head is just a bit jumbled and in a fog right now. You know when you just have so much on your mind it kind of becomes a big blur and all the separate issues just combine into a hazy mess of thoughts? I struggle to find where to start and how to form it into words and sentences. All these issues I've been stressing over just all combined together at one time. They are not small issues, every single one is life-altering in a huge way and they involve my life as well as people I am very close to. It was starting to affect my health with headaches, sleeplessness and backaches as well as struggling to focus and lack of patience with daily things around the house. I am an emotional stress mess. The way I relieve stress is to talk about it and then I feel a release within me. I can't really do that this time around because some of these stressers deal with other people's lives that I have been asked not to repeat. I need to lift up all of these stressers to God, because He is the only one who can handle this because it is simply too much for one person to carry. For any of you willing, please pray that I can give these burdens to God instead of trying to handle everything on my own strength which is clearly not willing. I am very stubborn, and though I know in my head what to do, my will is stubborn and addicted to being in control. I need to trust God and let go instead of having to have all the answers immediately. I also can't stress about things beyond my control, especially when it's a decision that someone else has to make in their own lives. We can't always save someone, they need to save themselves or see that they need to be saved. I can only be responsible for myself and my actions and decisions. What's done is done and needs to be left in the past...not question things and go down the "what if?" lane. What is the piece of advice everybody always gives?.....one day at a time, focus on one thing at a time or it is too overwhelming. I, myself have said it, but I struggle to live it. It all makes sense in my head, and words of wisdom come to mind at the right time that I need it, but putting those thoughts into action in my life is a totally separate thing. It's so hard to actually do it for some reason. I will keep working on it. I need to ask God for help with it because I believe He can help equip me with the right shoes to walk on this stony path. Now if only I could do more than just talk about what I want to do and say all the right things, if only I could apply it to my life and do it and take my own advice. Time will tell....

I Spoke Too Soon

Guess I'm not quite out of the woods like I had hoped and even assumed. One of my last posts I mentioned I had stopped the Depression Cure program I was doing because I was feeling so much better I naively thought I was cured. I credited God for my miraculous change. I do believe God helped lift me out of the "dark place" as I call it, but I am not cured. I stopped taking my vitamins and reading my Bible for the past couple weeks and I am feeling some of those emotions creeping back in. I need to get back on my vitamins and my reading and praying. I guess I didn't realize that I would have to keep at it and incorporate these continually, instead of thinking of it as a quick fix. I read that most people with a history of depression continue to struggle with it over many years. So, it's a much deeper problem that I must continue to apply the things that work, even when I'm doing well, and not just when things are going poorly. I don't know what it is that I reach out to God when I've exhausted everything in my power that has not worked, I go to Him as my last resort because I know He can fix everything, and then He does, and I thank Him, but I just go along on my merry way doing things the way I want. I need to learn to go to Him even when things are good. I also noticed my patience is wearing thin at home with my husband and daughter. My husband is never home, and when he is he's in the middle of projects that he's working on. My daughter is going through a really difficult time...I know now why it is called the terrible two's because they really are awful. She is so highly energetic, she lacks focus and cannot keep still. She is stubborn and gaining more and more independence and defiance with each day. I am simply not used to such a strong personality, and it is difficult for me who is more passive and quiet and low key to keep up with her. She wears me out so quickly. I need to not have such a short fuse with her, she is just learning and I am the one to teach her how to be. I can't get upset and frustrated just because things aren't the way I want them to be, I need to just deal with what the reality is and find a way to come up to her level instead of trying to pull her down to mine.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there. I had a wonderful weekend with my mom. She drove down here to visit with me this weekend and we had a girls day out yesterday. First we exchanged gifts...my mom gave me money to go shopping with as well as an Italian shirt and some Italian magnets for my fridge along with chocolate covered pretzels..my weakness. For her, I spent all week working on her present. I made her a shadowbox with pictures of the two of us as well as a poem that I wrote for her. She loved it! We went out to lunch at an Italian bistro and then went shopping together for shoes and dresses for some special occasions coming up this summer. It was really fun. We brought dinner home and then had ice cream for dessert later on. Today I wore one of my new dresses I got from yesterday and my husband made us waffles for breakfast, then we took some family pictures outside and after that my mom left to go home. I'm glad to have had that time with her though. It was a lot of fun. So, Becca and I watched a movie together after she left and then I painted her toenails and fingernails and then I did mine. We both got dressed up and then we just played with her toys. We had dinner just me and her on the porch outside and had spaghetti and meatballs. Nice and low key but I just enjoy spending time with her. Here are some captured moments from this weekend...

The gift I made for my mom

Me and my mom on Saturday

 

 

 

 

Wearing my new dress on Mother's Day

Becca in a pretty dress

Week #2 - The Depression Cure

Hello all. I have to say I'm not totally keeping up with the program. I did a little this week and I still am taking my vitamins, but I really don't feel anything like what I felt when I was depressed. I think I'm over it. This week I was supposed to write down times where I was sad, and it only happened twice and it wasn't even that bad. So, thank the Lord, because I think He pulled me out of it, because I don't see any other explanations. I just simply stopped feeling that way. Though I don't feel depressed, I have a long way to go, but I do see progress and that's encouraging. I no longer hate myself. I am trying to just stay positive and see the good instead of magnifying the bad. There are some big changes happening over here. Eric will be finding out his orders next week and we will know where we're moving. I'm excited for a fresh start and I am hoping and praying we will be able to buy our first house with the money we've saved. I am learning all over again to trust God with everything, because His way is better than mine. You can say that all you want, and I have, but it's completely different to actually believe it and live it as if you do. Life application.

Week #1 - The Depression Cure

The first week of The Depression Cure was a great one! What a terrific start to the program. I am very optimistic and feeling positive about the whole thing. The first week focused on Nutrition. I took the suggested Omega-3 Vitamin and Ginkgo Biloba…both help with depression and increase mental focus. I also took my two iron pills for my anemia (one isn’t enough for me), as well as a one-a-day woman’s multi-vitamin and a Vitamin C too. So, all these I took once a day for a week. I felt such a difference. I was focused and I had lots of energy. I normally am tired a lot and just want to lie down; I didn’t feel this way at all. Also part of the program you have to watch your food and drink intake. So, I wrote down everything I ate and drink…I had to increase my liquids. The first day was pretty bad….I saw on paper how I actually eat. But I’m getting better. I also incorporated some personal things into the program that I wanted to get in the habit of….to read my Bible every day and spend a little more time on my appearance in the morning, so I don’t feel like a troll all day, like I usually do. Spend an extra 5-10 minutes and do my makeup…it really makes me feel good about myself and puts a little boost in my self-esteem. And reading my Bible every day realigns my focus and perspective with God’s and things seem a little easier to manage and deal with. Anyway, the results of the first week were encouraging. I was very focused, I had energy, I wasn’t tired or moping around. I even felt positive and good about myself, and didn’t feel sad or depressed at all that week, and I even got some difficult news that could've made things bad for me. But I didn’t dwell on it, just dealt with it like a grown up. I was in a good mood and was encouraged that I have the power to turn things around by taking small steps. Week #2 begins tomorrow and I still have to keep up with all the things from week #1, but this week focuses on Rumination. This means any time I start to feel negative or have depressing feelings, I write them down. Looking forward to the next week : ) Take care everyone.

Hope you had a nice Easter!

Being an Adult

What exactly makes an adult anyway? It's only partially age until you reach a certain number I suppose. Is it maturity? Attitude? Responsibility? Choices? I know people older than me who seem like less of an adult,even childish; yet I know people younger than me that seem like more of an adult than me, with even more wisdom. It's during the lowest times that our true self is revealed. Our natural response surfaces with our true feelings, not just what you want other people to see. Our walls go up to protect from vulnerability, hiding what is raw within. Maybe it's putting other people before yourself. Making the right decision, even when it's hard to do and involves sacrifice on your part. Isn't it sad that many times terrible trauma that happens to children force them to grow up too soon? But what makes them more grown up then us? That they had to face adult issues way too soon? Most definitely. I am 28 years old and don't feel completely like an adult. I think there is so much expectation as an adult. Get married, have kids, possibly have a career. It's like the checklist of your life. I have compared my life with the lives of my friends around me for so long, I feel I've lost a bit of myself. My life shouldn't be like everyone else's, and it isn't, but I need to celebrate my individuality more, what makes me stand out from everyone else. Maybe I'm too much of an adult, taking care of my responsibilities and trying to be the perfect stay at home mother and wife, but I'm not having any fun along the way. The fun is supposed to be in the journey, right? I just might be too focused on getting to the end result I'm not enjoying myself. Maybe part of being an adult is finding the right balance in life, and the right perspective and attitude as well. I put more pressure on myself than anyone else. Make sure the house looks perfect, that there is always a good meal to eat, that my husband and child's needs are met. My list in life doesn't even include myself, and I am now realizing how wrong that is. I need to give myself permission to take time for myself and make sure some of my needs are met too, and I'm now realizing that isn't a selfish thing. Jesus tells us in His Word to put ourselves last and others first, and it's true....but that doesn't mean I neglect myself...that's the difference. Maybe maturity is also looking at the bigger picture in the long run. Choosing to have a positive attitude. Doing the right thing when you really don't want to do it. Maybe I'm too focused on being an adult, I feel old and boring. I want to get back to enjoying each day, not just what I need to do to get through it. Do I want my daughter to look back at her childhood and remember me as being boring and not wanting to do anything? All I do is clean and cook? That's not what I want. That's not how I want to be. Here's the funny part....I have the power to change that...I just have to choose to.