Can I pursue my dreams despite my fears?

What a great question....
I think this question is the one that precedes our dreams. It is for me anyway. I have many dreams that I am just now discovering exist deep inside myself. They are constantly in the back of my mind. They are things I believe I am meant to do in life; part of my purpose. They are pretty clear in description. Yet I try to ignore them. Why, you ask? Simple....fear. What kind?

Most of us have this fear in common, though we mask it so no one can see our vulnerability and weakness. Isn't it just easier to not try at all, than to try and fail? With that ending, it would seem that effort was a waste of time to not produce a desired result. But there was still a result, just not the one we wanted. It's still growth and allows us to move forward. I'm at the point in my life where I'm tired of standing still and just coasting day to day. Afraid to try new things for fear of the unknown. You all know by now, that though I have many dreams that I would love to pursue, my biggest one is writing. To be a writer. I've had so much positive feedback and encouragent, both from people I do and don't know. Yet, I'm scared. Me? A writer? I've never been to any fancy schools and I don't have any special knowledge and skills that could possibly come close to measuring up to all the brilliant writers in this world. The odds are stacked up against me everywhere I see. All I have going for me is my natural talent that I was born with. God-given talent. Is it enough? Is what I have to say from my little corner of the world important enough for people to listen to? Would people want to?
I guess I should be firm in expressing my desired outcome. To become a writer to me is not to become famous. It's not to make lots and lots of money. It's using words in a magical way to connect with another person. To bring someone on a journey in their mind through words in different forms. For me it would be a form of encouragement, to touch someone's life; to make a difference. Words are so powerful, people. They can completely change lives when put together in positive form. I want to make a contribution to the world. To give back. What I'm doing now in my life is just simply not enough for me and I won't settle for standing still. I want to challenge myself. The problem is, I can't seem to follow through with it. But if I don't try, I'll never know, and I'll always wonder. There's always room for growth of a person since perfection is unattainable; and I'm due for a growth spurt. 
I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. Everyone has fears. But you'd never know with the show we all put on. Put on our warrior faces when we step out the door and make sure no one sees anything but strength. I understand that we live in a time where that's necessary for survival. But, make sure you have some kind of outlet for the fears and pain and weakness in your life. Because when kept locked up, it eats away at you and turns into anger which leads to hate, and we can all agree there is far too much of that in our world.

The Absence of a Father

It's only been the last few years that I've realized on a personal as well as an observant level, how important it is to have a father who cares in a child's life. I'm sure it's important for young boys to learn from their father how to be a man, but it's equally important for young girls to learn from fathers how to be treated by a man. I know this from personal experience. Now, my mom is the greatest mom in my book, she took on the role of both mom and dad in my life, since I've never met my father. He left both her and I when I was a baby. My mom has incredible strength and she managed to provide all my needs and was there for me in every way. I wasn't that lonely, sad child who wished for a daddy secretly and wondered what I was missing. My mom was more than enough. Besides, why would I want to know somebody who didn't want to know me? There were a few father figures in my life growing up, but only one with staying power that made any kind of difference...my stepfather, Dave. Came into my life when I was about 8 or 9 years old. Complete opposite of my mom in every way I could think of at the time. Now, remember, my mom is my hero and she can do no wrong in my eyes, so everyone was unworthy of her to me. No one was good enough, because she deserved the very best and to be treated the way I felt she deserved. Now, Dave was a really good man, but he didn't show affection the way I thought he should, he just had a quieter, shy personality, unlike my mother's outgoing, outward displays of affection I was used to. So...not good enough. I focused on all his flaws and magnified them. Not till after he passed away and I was shaken to the core because of it, did I realize the good in him. And he loved my mom and took care of her in all the important ways, just in his own way, not my way. I learned a lot from him. But, unfortunately, because of my judgment and hostility towards him for years, we were never close. He was always there for me and provided all my needs and most wants, but I put up a wall that he could never break. I realize that I have barriers to this day because of it. It makes me uncomfortable to have affection from a man, because I'm not used to it. Though I love my husband, there is still that hesitancy. Because it is taken completely different when a man says something to me in comparison to a woman. Now that I'm older,  I realize how much I wish I had that closeness with a father when I was younger. Since I grew up without a father, when choosing to spend my life with a man, that was one of the top "must-have's" in my book......had to want kids and I had to think he would make a terrific father....and I succeeded on that quest. My husband is a wonderful father and he adores my little girl. And she looks at him like he is her whole world. I'm so thankful she has that. But occasionally, I have "little girl" moments myself, where I wish when I was a kid that I had a strong father to pick me up and tell me I was his world. And whose arms I would run into when I was hurt or sad. Someone who would tell me I was good enough and remind me of the good in me. My mother is my #1 fan and has that covered brilliantly, but it's not the same. Because even though my husband is the best and I know he thinks a lot of me, there is still a part of me that thinks I will screw up enough one day that he'll leave me and realize that I'm not worth it. Maybe it's low self-esteem, but I can't help but think that a part of it is because my father didn't think I was worth it. Thankfully, many years ago I accepted Jesus as my Savior and was born again, so I now have a Father in Heaven looking out for me that I can talk to in prayer. But every once in a while, I wish for a physical hug or arms to wrap around me. 

So, I guess I just want to say to all the fathers who choose their children as priorities, and to the women out there who chose these men.....good for you. It matters. Take this role seriously, because as a little girl, they don't see their father's flaws. They don't see the complications of life. They see a hero, and they will give him chance after chance after chance. When a father doesn't fill those expectations....the blame shifts to us little girls. We are not enough.

A New Year....what shall I do with it?

Happy New Year!

I'm excited for a new year, a fresh start and new beginning. I want this year to be a turning point for me. It's time to start taking action and stop wasting time. To start doing all the things that consume my thoughts. These great ideas and dreams I have I just keep to myself and they stay unfulfilled. It's time I take a chance. Sometimes the biggest rewards stem from the biggest risks. I've played it safe for too long and it has left me very unfulfilled. I know I have more in me to contribute to this world and it's time I let it out. These last few years have been the worst of my life internally and emotionally for me. It is odd, since I've been given so many blessings during this time. I'm going to stop waiting for my life to be what I want and wait for it to all fall perfectly into my life, it's just an immature thought and not how it works. Time to grow up and take charge and make these things happen. I will slowly take you on my dark journey I've been on as I hit my rock bottom. I am slowly climbing my way up and my focus is one foot in front of the other. Normalcy seems unattainable and unreachable as I've fallen so far, but I learned a lot from that fall and I can use that to help someone else with those same feelings. This year is going to be a great one. Last year I finished school and I have a diploma for medical transcription. It made me feel good that I accomplished something totally on my own that was only for me. I have put myself on the backburner for so long that it has become unhealthy and has formed resentment and anger. I need to make myself more of a priority and stop being a martyr, I must do this to make peace with myself and be able to look at myself in the mirror instead of seeing hate in the reflection. I'm going to be the me I know I'm meant to be, the one I was created to be, the me I know I can be. It's time to stop giving up just because perfection is unattainable, that simply means we can  always strive to be more, not that we're not good enough. There's something good in all of us, something we can contribute to our world. I consider myself very, very weak...but I want to strengthen myself and not continue to stay weak. It's all a choice. Choosing to live this way and think this way and be this way. Well, 2012....a new me is surfacing. I'm getting rid of all the skeletons in my life that I am just now discovering that are holding me back and keeping me so limited. I will overcome them with determination for a better life, for me and my family. They deserve better and so do I.

The theme of this year is going to be CHANGE. I know, I know....isn't that the theme of every year, right? Yes, but I am changing who I am from the inside out. I know, I'm sooo melodramatic...LOL. But, it's how I feel. There are big changes in store for me this year. We are looking to buy our first house in a different state. Eric is back on a ship now which means deployments, long hours, underways, and less time together as a family. Time to draw strength from within and equip myself...if I can't handle my life in the good times where everything's going my way, what does that mean for me when things really get rocky and all that is familiar to me takes an abrupt turn. I don't adapt well to big changes in life but it's time I start. I have a three year old that depends on me to feel secure in her life and a husband who gives so much of himself that he needs to know I can take care of things and give him less to worry about on the homefront. The change starts with me. You all know that famous quote that I love so much and I'm sure most of you do as well....."be the change you wish to see in the world." It's one of my favorites. I'm feeling that this is the year for this quote to become reality and I would challenge you to apply it to your life as well. No matter what we do, we can always do more, go the extra mile, start small but be consistent. This is what I am striving for. 

So...on another note...inspiring this change, I woke up New Years Day with a song in  my head, the words flowing through and I couldn't get them out of my head. Maybe God's challenge to me...my new years anthem...

It's a new year, it's gonna be great,
It's gonna deliver whatever my fate
Filled with laughter and memories of things that I love
Hoping and praying for what I dream of....


Peace for the restless, and homes for the homeless,
Food for the hungry, and cures for the sick.
Strength for the weak, help for people in need,

The change in this world that we seek...
Let it begin with you and with me.


It's time to start the change, 
It's time to rearrange,
What's most important in our lives...
Is it houses and cars and clothes that we wear
To make us look good, but who really cares?

The change in this world that we seek...
Let it begin with you and with me.

I've decided that this year I want to change me,
From the inside out and fulfill my destiny.
I know I am better than this complacency.
What can I do? So many possibilities...

A smile to the people I pass on the street,
Lending my time or a hand to where I see a need.
Thinking of others out there, not just family and friends,
But strangers who might have no means to an end.

I have so much more than I need...
Because God has been so good to me.


It's time to give back with compassion and kindness,
Selflessness, friendliness we can find inside us.
Whether we think they deserve it or not,
It's not up to us to judge someone else's plot.

Give with no reason except cuz it's right,
Could one simple choice of mine change someone's life?
It just might......


What can I do to better my life?
Be the best I can be and look forward, not behind.
Pursue my dreams, despite fear of failing,
Not being good enough can be very scary.


Our world needs a change...
And it all starts with you and with me.


Change starts with a choice...
To do something or not to.

I'm Coming Back Soon

Hello dear bloggers,
How have you all been? It's been a long time and I've missed reading your thought-provoking stories and encouraging words in your blogs. Thank you to any of you still willing to follow me after such a long silence. I'm here to give you a message....I'm coming back to blogging, I'm also here to tell you why the absence. So, here goes...
Those of you who used to read my blog regularly, and I know who you are, know that I've struggled for a while with the trials of being a stay at home mother to a toddler as well as feeling very run down. After much time, I decided to get some help, because whatever I was doing just wasn't cutting it. This was a difficult decision for me. But at that point, I had reached rock bottom and I had zero to lose. I decided to see a counselor. It was very helpful and felt comfortable right away, oddly very comfortable pouring out my problems...probably because I have a habit of keeping them bottled up. It was very helpful to me. He told me to get evaluated by a physician, so I did. I was told I had postpartum depression as well as a very high anxiety disorder. That explains a lot. So, I began taking medication and seeing my counselor once a week and my doctor once a month as well. I am doing better these days but it is a slow process. It was a gradual fall, so it must take a gradual climb to heal the bruises and scars. I'm glad I did it and I feel I have a message to share with so many out there who feel lost like I did. Who hate what they see in the mirror and wonder what point there is to keep on going. It was a scary time. But I have hope. Hope in my future. I've learned much about my life and who I really am. Not the me I pretended to be but what I really want and what's really important. I thought I knew myself but I really didn't. That's where the counseling really helped. Not sure why counseling gets such a bad rap. It's quite educational.
My relationship with God is distant at the moment, but my faith is not gone. I know He is still there as always and He hears me when I call to Him. What saved me from going further down that road? I don't know. I still don't. I did pray over and over...so maybe God delivered me from my pain. I say God is the answer when you don't see an answer.
Anyway, moving on....we are moving to California and I can't wait to go! To leave this place filled with bad memories can't come soon enough. But I've really missed blogging and journaling my thoughts and reading about yours too. So the crazy fun of the holiday is coming soon and once things settle down I will be returning to blogging after the new year.
I have hope in my future and I can't wait to see what's in store for me. Just because I am imperfect and have countless flaws, doesn't mean my life isn't important, which I once thought was so. I've decided to embrace life. To watch my daughter grow up and grow old with my husband. To share with people my story and find the voice within myself.
I have small accomplishment to share. I finished school and got a diploma in medical transcription after two years. I did it all on my own and passed with a 92 average. I also have decided to pursue my dream of being a writer. It is my passion and I hope I can believe in myself enough to realize that there is much power through words and writing. I choose to use that power for good and share my message through my journey I've been on.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season! You'll be hearing from me soon!

Stop the Noise

Not sure what's happening lately, but I am growing weak and tired and frazzled. I am not sleeping well and my patience is running dry. I can't think straight because there is so much noise. Noise of the tv always on, which was once comforting in keeping me company and not feeling lonely, but now has become a nuisance....everything, and I mean everything annoys me...the neighbors and loud vehicles outside, the phone ringing, the dog barking......but the most disturbing noise of them all....the noise that won't stop....the noise that bothers me more than anything...brace yourselves because this isn't pretty....it's the sound of my daughter's voice never ceasing. I know, I know, but I can't help it. It's overwhelming me. So many people have it so much harder than me, but having a two year old is just running my resources dry. She went 5 hours straight talking without a break (that's right...I know what I typed), all the while in a voice that is about 10 decibels louder than I am comfortable with. She isn't a child that stays still and quietly watches a movie or playing with her toys...she has to be entertained at all times and can't be still, she has to be moving and running around and goes from one thing to the next out of boredom. What has happened here? I loved being a stay at home mom when she was an infant and didn't talk and didn't walk. It was controlled and managed. Am I not cut out for this? Do I not have enough patience for this? I long for the day when she can be more independent...go to the bathroom herself, feed herself, play by herself, so I can go back to doing my own thing. I mean, how selfish is that? I've been told so many times that I'm gonna miss this time. When she goes to school and doesn't need me anymore I will miss the days where I am wrapped around her finger and am her whole world. I just don't feel that way right now. Maybe I need to ask God to change my heart. A lot of times I feel like a single parent on my own. Eric works nights so he sleeps in late and then sometimes he goes running before work, so really he only has a couple hours to help me during the day and he's usually doing his own thing..either with the computer or the truck or the tv. I need more breaks I think. We don't have family or friends around that we trust yet to babysit Becca, so I don't get any breaks except for when we visit one of our parents who help out sometimes in watching Becca. I just feel like a well run dry, or a car running on empty. I don't feel depressed or sad, because I have much to be thankful for and am past hating myself. I have gained a lot of acceptance of who I am and am still in that process, I just feel a bit maxed out. There is just no balance in my life. It's hard sometimes being a military wife. And I struggle with adapting to my situations. It comes very difficult for me and it takes me a long time. Maybe it's a time management problem. If I utilize my time better when Becca is asleep, I can make the time to focus on me instead of filling it with things that need to be done. I feel I've been neglecting myself and my own needs to serve everyone else's. Like when you don't eat for days and your system shuts down and you grow weak and tired and lack energy...that's how I feel. Something's gotta change around here.

Poem I wrote

When I feel I need some space, I take a walk outside,

I seek peace, I breathe at ease and look up to the sky.

I feel the air brush through my hair and tickle the top of my skin,

I close my eyes and think of God, hoping to connect with Him.

I begin to feel that He is there, 

Reminding me that He still cares.

The truth is that He never left, it's me that pushes Him away.

Why I fight Him, I don't know,

Living my way, I'll never grow.
Without Him present in my life, I'll never find my way.

Eyes still closed, I feel the sun's warm rays upon my face,

It's God's way of embracing me and restoring my faith.

He gives me the peace I struggle to find behind my home's four walls,

These walls are closing in on me and I struggle to breathe.

I need to find an escape from this place,

To feel free and to be me.

I feel constrained and confined,

Release me from this cage.

These chains of life have bound me,

And at moments I feel enraged.

I cry, "where are you God? Oh please help me."

He replies, "I'm right here, no need to fear, I've heard your plea."

I sit in His presence saying nothing at all,

He reads my soul and answers its call.

He comforts me, knowing exactly what I need.

I can finally rest, I can finally breathe.

In His presence, He digs deep through the layers, uncovering the hidden real me.

I feel my chest open up, my back feels lighter,

He lifted my burden my outlook is brighter.

Thank you, God for rescuing me and renewing and restoring me once again.

Learning to Manage Stress

It's been a tough couple of weeks. I haven't really written much or been checking up on my favorite blogs that I follow. Not that I don't care or don't have anything to say, I feel my head is just a bit jumbled and in a fog right now. You know when you just have so much on your mind it kind of becomes a big blur and all the separate issues just combine into a hazy mess of thoughts? I struggle to find where to start and how to form it into words and sentences. All these issues I've been stressing over just all combined together at one time. They are not small issues, every single one is life-altering in a huge way and they involve my life as well as people I am very close to. It was starting to affect my health with headaches, sleeplessness and backaches as well as struggling to focus and lack of patience with daily things around the house. I am an emotional stress mess. The way I relieve stress is to talk about it and then I feel a release within me. I can't really do that this time around because some of these stressers deal with other people's lives that I have been asked not to repeat. I need to lift up all of these stressers to God, because He is the only one who can handle this because it is simply too much for one person to carry. For any of you willing, please pray that I can give these burdens to God instead of trying to handle everything on my own strength which is clearly not willing. I am very stubborn, and though I know in my head what to do, my will is stubborn and addicted to being in control. I need to trust God and let go instead of having to have all the answers immediately. I also can't stress about things beyond my control, especially when it's a decision that someone else has to make in their own lives. We can't always save someone, they need to save themselves or see that they need to be saved. I can only be responsible for myself and my actions and decisions. What's done is done and needs to be left in the past...not question things and go down the "what if?" lane. What is the piece of advice everybody always gives?.....one day at a time, focus on one thing at a time or it is too overwhelming. I, myself have said it, but I struggle to live it. It all makes sense in my head, and words of wisdom come to mind at the right time that I need it, but putting those thoughts into action in my life is a totally separate thing. It's so hard to actually do it for some reason. I will keep working on it. I need to ask God for help with it because I believe He can help equip me with the right shoes to walk on this stony path. Now if only I could do more than just talk about what I want to do and say all the right things, if only I could apply it to my life and do it and take my own advice. Time will tell....